Tested

 

Adyashanti sometimes mentions how our realization or insights are tested following an awakening or opening.

Life gives us situations where we “have to” act from our new realization for it to be resolved.

That has been my experience, and I have floundered and lost my courage as often as I have acted from my realization. (That’s how it seems, at least.)

When I flounder and lose my courage, it’s an invitation to see what’s really going on. What fears are triggered in me? What deficient selves? What are my beliefs about the situation? How do I stop myself from acting from kindness and clarity, from my inner guidance, from a more mature place?

For instance, when I moved to Wisconsin, my inner guidance was very clear that it wasn’t the right move. It was clear that staying in Salt Lake City (at the Zen center), or going back to Oslo (to finish my graduate studies) was the solution that felt peaceful and quietly right. Why did I still do it?

It was because of a relationship, and fear of being alone and not finding anyone else. These were not rational fears, but fears from deep childhood wounds. It was completely innocent. I didn’t really have a choice. (Although it certainly seemed so at the time, and I did have a choice in a conventional sense.) And it did come from love, from love confused by this fear and the wound that was triggered.

So this is clearly one of my achilles heels. And as long as the wound is un-healed, and I haven’t thoroughly seen through my stories around it, I may again leave my guidance when this wound is triggered.

This is an example of something else Adya sometimes talks about. When we speak our truth, it has the quality of a confession. This certainly feels like a confession. And there is one person it’s really important for me to confess to, and that is myself.

Note: Another set of beliefs here was around marriage. I had recently gotten married, and felt obliged to sacrifice my own life so she could do what was important to her. These were beliefs I had inherited from my parents. And it took a while for me to work through them. (There is probably more left.) If I hadn’t been married, I doubt very much I would have left my guidance in this situation. Most of the unhealthy patterns I have worked on in myself seem to be ancestral – from my parents and culture. Even the more archetypical ones are filtered through and colored by the ancestral.

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– adya, tested, situations where have to come from our realization to make it work (if revert to old patterns, act from fears, then won’t work very well, and may stay or come back)

 

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One thought to “Tested”

  1. Yes, thank you. This fits my experience also.
    As well as ancestral and cultural patterns in me, I am also noticing a call to help heal global collective wounds. These include deep feminine and masculine pain bodies, and also grief and shame around our exploitation of Gaia.
    I feel the deep kindness and relief in confessing our truth to ourselves, and it does take courage. It feels important to be gentle and forgiving in all of this, and to deeply honour the rawness, vulnerability, confusion and innocent sweetness of this being human.
    I am reminded here of a verse from ‘The Invitation’ by Oriah Mountain Dreamer:
    “It doesn’t interest me
    if the story you are telling me
    is true.
    I want to know if you can
    disappoint another
    to be true to yourself.
    If you can bear
    the accusation of betrayal
    and not betray your own soul.
    If you can be faithless
    and therefore trustworthy.”

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