Most of us have parts that are drawn to death, angry at life (God), and appear to be caught in self-destructive patterns.
All of these seem to come from confused love.
The draw to death is really, it seems, a draw to death of suffering. In other words, a draw to death of certain painful beliefs and identifications. There is love behind this draw, and sometimes a confused love (making it appear as it’s a draw to the death of this human self, instead of painful dynamics.)
Anger at life (God, Spirit) similarly comes from a deep wound, often formed in childhood. And this wound is created and maintained by beliefs and identifications, or velcro as it’s called in the Living Inquiries. It’s good to acknowledge and feel this anger, and also inquire into what’s behind it.
Self-destructive patterns are similar. They too seem to come from deep wounds created early in life, and they are created and maintained by beliefs, identifications, and velcro (words, images and sensations “stuck” together). There is a perceived benefit here, as there always (?) seems to be with beliefs, identifications and velcro. The apparently self-destructive patterns too come from confused love. They are, in a very real sense, confused love.
So there is often a shift here, as it was for me. Initially, I saw these impulses as wrong and something to correct, or pretend is not there. That’s meeting these parts of ourselves and others from the place where they were created. They were created from a mindset that itself was wounded and fearful. The antidote is love.
The antidote is recognizing these dynamics as coming from fear, wounds and confused love. The antidote is meeting them with love, holding them as a loving presence. And the antidote is inquiring into any stories and identifications creating and holding them in place.
P.S. As Adya points out in Resurrecting Jesus, Judas is an image of these wounds in ourselves. He may be genuinely drawn to Jesus and what he sees in Jesus, and yet, he is also wounded and that wounding is sometimes expressed in lashing out at the ones we love the most. We all (?) have done that. I know I have.
– draw to death – death of “ego”, beliefs, hangups
– anger at life – feel, examine, see through (it’s all life)
– self-destructive patterns – perceived benefit, feel, examine