Even during the initial opening, it was clear that any hope and fear is a projection. Anything that appears “out there” and not also “in here” is a projection. Any idea of a being, existence, separation, is a projection.
Any idea that anything can save me, or that there is anyone who needs to or can be saved, is a projection. Any idea of lack of completeness, someone or something that can complete me, is a projection.
It’s all created by images and words, apparently stuck onto sensations, and made to appear solid and real that way.
I have seen this for a while now.
I also notice that any idea that I can find fulfillment or completion in a nice house, car, education, work, travel and so on are seen and felt to not be true. At least to a large extent.
What’s left right now is the idea that a relationship can or will save me, make me complete, and make me come alive.
There is a partial truth to this. A relationship, and perhaps especially a new one, can trigger all of these experiences. Still, it doesn’t last. And it’s like taking a pill, it’s dependency on something to make it happen. (Neither is wrong or bad at all, it’s just an inherent limitation.)
The invitation is to examine these identifications and beliefs. And often it’s the pain of relationship loss that brings us to it in a more whole hearted and sincere way.
A relationship will save me. Make me complete. Make me come alive. Help me numb the pain.
I need a woman to save me.
Some deficiency stories and identities:
I am unlovable. I am unloved. I am unlikable.
I was half filled up with love. (From my mother.) My mother wasn’t available to me.
I am not whole. I am incomplete. I have a hole in me.
X will save me. A life will X will save me. X will make me come alive. I need X.
Exploring and seeing through this doesn’t neccesarily change that much. The neediness, compulsion and despair may fall away. And being in a relationship when it feels right remains.
Note: When I use the word projection here, it’s in a few different meanings. The main one is that images and words (thoughts) are projected (imagined) “out there” so they appear to create a world with space and time, beings, life and death, me and other, objects and awareness, and anything else. Another form of projection, which the first one makes possible, is that we imagine qualities and characteristics in “us” to be “out there” in imagined others and an imagined world.
A relationship will save me. Complete me. Make me come alive.
Also: Loss of relationship. (Wholeness. Completeness. Aliveness.) Frozen when it comes to initiating.