Peter, Judas, Anakin and me

 

In Resurrecting Jesus, Adyashanti talks about the Jesus story as a story of each of our awakening process.

For instance, Peter is the one who loved Jesus, promised he would never forsake him, and yet denied knowing him three times. He was enthusiastic, got scared, and (temporarily) left the divine.

Judas is one who also deeply loved Jesus and the divine, was deeply wounded, and sought to destroy what he loved the most, and what could have given him the love and understanding the craved and needed the most.

Since I just rewatched the Star Wars movies, I want to add Anakin Skywalker here. He also deeply loved, was deeply wounded, and destroyed or tried to destroy the ones he loved the most (his lover and teacher), the ones who loved him the most, and the ones who could have given him the love and understanding he so deeply wanted and needed.

I can find each of these in myself.

I sometimes deny and abandon the divine, out of fear. When I got married in my twenties, I left my guidance and moved to a place that felt deeply wrong for me, and I did it out of unexamined fears and shoulds. (Or, at least, they were not thoroughly examined and seen through.)

I also see the part of me that deeply loves, is deeply wounded, and lashes out at or tries to destroy what and who he loves the most, and can give him the love and understanding he needs.

As very small, I had seeming flashbacks about how it was before incarnation. It was what I now would call a heavenly realm, with a sense of infinite love and an infinite sense of being home. I sometimes had a deep longing in the mornings that couldn’t be satisfied the usual ways (strawberry jam sandwich, Donald Duck comics, adventure books, friends, parents), and it was probably for this.

Here is the story that comes to me:

It was conveyed to me that it was time for me to incarnate again, for my own sake and for the sake of humanity and the Earth. I said yes, partly because I knew it too. And yet, a part of me loved the divine so deeply, and didn’t want to leave. I didn’t acknowledge or speak up for this part. I wanted to be a good soul, a good soldier. This part felt deeply wounded, deeply unseen, deeply unloved, and deeply angry. And this pattern has replayed itself through my life.

I am on the threshold of something that feels deeply right, lose it, and go into deep regret and pain. Sometimes, I can even see how a part of me sets it up. It sets up circumstances so what I deeply love will fall away from me. And this part seems to be the part described above. It feels deeply wounded, deeply unseen, deeply unloved.

I have stayed with this part over the last few days, listening to it, giving it quiet love. I have also replayed the incarnation situation, this time the way I wish I had done it back then. I speak up for that part of me that so deeply loves the divine. I am an advocate for it. I give it a voice. And I still incarnate, only now more wholeheartedly.

One of the things that holds this pattern in place is a fear of speaking up, and a belief – at an emotional level – that it’s selfish to speak up for what I want or what’s true for me. Another is an expectation that something good won’t last, at least not for very long. And yet another is a part of me setting up situations so what I want falls away. (Often through others misperceiving me or the situation.)

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– any story, can relate to as a dream, reflecting something in us
– peter – denied knowing Jesus, sold out when got scared, denied/left the divine when got scared
– judas – sold jesus to his enemies, out of a deep woundedness, more of an edge

– anakin

 

 

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