I thought I would share some of the painful stories that come up for me to be seen, loved, rested with.
These are very basic stories, and they come up without much filtering these days, partly because I seem unable to filter or set aside much.
These seem related to elementary school experiences:
I am a victim, unsupported, under siege.
In elementary school, friends would turn against me when certain other kids were around. I felt unsafe, scared, confused, unsupported (by family, teachers, school mates), under siege. All of these still come up now and then. I feel like a victim of life and circumstances (especially with my health, brain fog, divorce, loss of friends, lost opportunities, things continuing to fall apart). I feel under siege (noise, chemicals, lack of support, no place to call my own).
In elementary school, I couldn’t fight or flee, so I froze. I became paralyzed. And that’s still showing up in some situations in my life. (Being passive where it would be more helpful to be active.)
And a more overarching story:
I was a golden child, then all fell apart.
I had amazing opportunities and inner and outer resources until I got married and left my guidance (by physically moving away from many things that felt deeply right to me). Then it all started to fall apart. I lost opportunities. Lost friends. Lost health. Lost education and career opportunities. Lost support. Lost inner and outer resources (health, clarity, confidence, capacity, house, money).
And another story:
This is a dark night of the soul. I went through the initial awakening and illumination phase, and now it’s the dark night of the soul. (Very similar to how Evelyn Underhill describes it in Mysticism.) It’s a heroic journey.
This one may be partly valid, and can – to some extent – be comforting. And it’s also unhelpful if I go to this story instead of looking at what’s really here, in immediacy.
There is also an earlier story, which came up more strongly a couple of years ago but is still here:
I am unloved. I am unlovable.
My parents would leave me alone in a dark room in my crib. I cried, and they didn’t come. So I gave up. (I froze.)
Before incarnation, beings showed me that it was time to incarnate and the essence of how this life would be and why (for my own maturing, and to do my little bit to help shift humanity). I agreed because I saw it was good, and didn’t voice my hesitation. (I had glimpses of memories of this even as a very young child.)
– victim, unsupported, under siege
– a golden child, then all fell apart
– dark night of the soul – used instead of feeling/looking (comforting story, distraction)