Falling in and out of love – intentionally

 

I saw recent research where they found that people can intentionally fall in or out of love depending on what they focus on in the other person.

It’s seems pretty intuitive, and something we all (?) use more or less intentionally. When we focus on lovable aspects, we fall more in love. And when we focus on unlovable aspects, we fall more out of love.

This has several practical applications.

One is when we lose someone we love. If we idealize the person and only focus on the lovable and amazing aspects, we amplify the pain of the loss. And if we intentionally identify and include the unlovable, troublesome, and annoying aspects of the person, we get a more realistic picture and it can lessen the pain. It can help to make a list and do it somewhat regularly over time.

Conversely, if we are in a relationship and find ourselves falling out of love, we can rekindle the love by intentionally remind ourselves of the lovable aspects of the other person.

Another is self-love. Self-love can be allowing our current experience and meet it with some kindness. And it can also be finding and remind ourselves about lovable aspects of ourselves. The first focuses on the presence aspect of what we are (context), and the second our human self (content).

This also goes for life. If we focus on the less desirable aspects of our life and life in general, we tend to fall out of love with life. And if we focus on the lovable aspects of life, we tend to fall more in love with life.

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Initial notes…….

  • falling in and out of love
    • surprised it hasn’t been researched before
    • not a big mystery
    • focus on lovable aspects, fall more in love
    • focus on troublesome/bothersome/annoying aspects, falling more out of love
    • for instance, if lose a loved one, may be helpful to remind ourselves about the less desirable aspects (as well as the other ones) to get a more realistic picture and lessen the pain (if we idealize, look at only the favorable aspects, then amplify the pain of the loss)

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Initial draft…..

I saw recent research where they found that people can intentionally fall in or out of love depending on what they focus on in the other person.

It’s seems pretty intuitive, and something we all (?) use more or less intentionally. When we focus on lovable aspects, we fall more in love. And when we focus on unlovable aspects, we fall more out of love.

One practical application of this is when we lose someone we love. If we idealize the person and only focus on the lovable and amazing aspects, we amplify the pain of the loss. And if we intentionally include and focus on the unlovable, troublesome, and annoying aspects of the person (make a list), we get a more realistic picture and it can lessen the pain.

Conversely, if we are in a relationship and find ourselves falling out of love, we can rekindle the love by intentionally focus on the lovable aspects of the other person.

Another is self-love. Self-love can be allowing our current experience and meet it with some kindness. And it can also be focusing on (listing) lovable aspects of ourselves. The first focuses on the presence aspect of what we are (context), and the second our human self (content).

This also goes for life. If we focus on the less desirable aspects of our life and life in general, we tend to fall out of love with life. And if we focus on the lovable aspects of life, we tend to fall more in love with life. Again, it can be helpful to make lists and do it somewhat regularly.

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