When people act from unexamined and unloved pain, we can give them what they want in two ways.
We can give them what they want on a surface level, which is often drama, feeling hurt, messing up relationships, getting us off course, and more.
Or we can give them what they really want, which is to be seen, kindness, and cutting through the surface drama and nonsense – for instance by telling them what we see.
At a place I recently worked, clients would sometimes try to create drama and conflict, and when it happened, it was usually very obvious what was going on. At the same time, the superiors would sometimes completely buy into it and give them exactly the drama and conflict they were looking for. It’s still astonishing to me that they would swallow the hook, line, and sinker to such an extent. Of course, it happened because the clients knew how to trigger the two bosses, and they got triggered and acted on it.
- giving people what they want when they act from (unloved, unexamined) pain
- give them what they want on surface level (drama, feeling hurt, messing up relationships etc.)
- give them what they really want, which is to be seen, kindness, cutting through the surface drama/nonsense (tell them what you see)