There are many benefits to knowing that what I am doing is selfish, even when it also seems kind.
It aligns me with reality and truth and I avoid the stress of pretending something else.
It’s easier for me to take care of my own needs so I am in a better position to live the life I want.
I am less prone to burnout. I am less likely to tell me I am doing it for someone else so there is less chance of resentment.
It’s easier for me to stay in my own business. I am less likely to go into blame, victimhood and so on.
There is less sense of self-importance. I know I am doing it for myself so I can’t so easily use it to boost a false sense of self-importance or tell myself I am better than others.
If I don’t immediately see how what I am doing is selfish, how can I explore or find it? Here are a couple of suggestions.
If I tell myself I am doing something because I need to, I can write down the “need” statement first (“I need to drive the kids to school bc there are no busses”) and then change it to a “want” statement (“I want to drive the kids to school because I want them to have a good education, and I enjoy spending the extra time with them”).
If I tell myself I am doing something noble or altruistic or for someone else, I can ask myself what I get out of it. Here is an example: I moved to Wisconsin to support my wife in her education. What did I get out of it? In what ways did I do it for myself, for my own reasons? It made me feel good to support her. I wanted the best for her. I got to be with her. I got to apply for US residency which I wanted. I got to be a good husband and see myself that way. All of that was selfish, and some of it selfish in the best way.
The Work of Byron Katie is also a great way to explore if what I am doing is selfish, and to find that it is, in the best way, and that it’s completely innocent. (At least, that’s what I have found so far. I am open to discover something else.)
I’ll add a few examples I have found for myself. When I do something that seems kind, for someone else, and in the interest of the larger whole, I do it because it feels good. I am aligned with my guidance. I know all is interconnected so I am really doing it for myself, for the whole I am intrinsic part of. I notice it’s all happening within and as what I am, so it is – as they say in Zen – like the left hand removing a splinter from the right.
Sometimes, I may do something because it makes me look good. It feeds into a desired self-image or how I want others and myself to see me. It can make someone like me. All of that is also selfish and when I look I find it’s innocent. It’s what we humans do when we are caught up in stressful thoughts and neediness.
So yes, when I have looked, I have found that what I do – even when my mind tells me I need to do it or what I do out of kindness – is selfish. It’s often selfish in the best way. It’s innocent. And it’s a huge relief to admit to myself it’s selfish and it comes with many benefits to see it.
- The benefits of knowing it’s all selfish
- all selfish
- selfishly acting with kindness
- whatever I do is selfish, including when I act in the interest of the larger whole
- feels right, know the interconnectedness,
- feels good, can live with
- aligned with guidance, knowing
- aligned with who and what I am
- who – a being born out of
andintricate part of this living planet and universe, a local expression of the living planet and universe
- what – that which it all happens within and as, in immediacy (my own immediate experience)
- who – a being born out of
- benefits of knowing
- less to strive towards, less unrealistic ideals
- less prone to burnout, resentment, feeling I am giving a lot and not receiving enough in return
- less self-importance, less feeding an image of myself as good, noble etc.
- staying in my own business with less blame, neediness,
- taking care of my own needs, so I am in a good position to live the life I want
- honest, aligned with reality, avoid the stress of pretending something else
- some examples + an exercise
- return someone’s wallet bc feels good
- drive kids to school bc want to spend time with them + want them to get to school and get a good education
- pay taxes bc want to support society + avoid trouble + avoid the stress of doing something that’s illegal
- give donations bc feels good
- do something for someone else bc makes them happy, appreciative, treat me more with love, makes me feel good all around
- I have to -> I want to (rewrite, find how it’s true) – see how “I have to” actions are selfish and something I want
- what does it do for me? any action, and especially the kind ones, shows me the reasons I am doing it for myself
- all selfish