Own inquiry: Unlovable

 

Love is gonna be on your side

Just that feeling of love
That’s gonna be on your side

Firefly, Love is gonna be on your side

Life brought me to explore the feeling of being unlovable this morning and I did some simple inquiry into it as I did some other things. As I sat down to do record a more thorough inquiry here, and wrote the title of the page, I noticed the lyrics of the music I had on in the background. (Yes, I love cheesy disco music!)

Living Inquiry

When I feel into the unlovable identity, I see something dark and shriveled up in me (like a dry prune). I look at the image and notice the shape, texture, and color of the shriveled up prune.

I feel it in my chest. A pressure. Sinking in. And also in the solar plexus. My breath is shallow. I feel the sensations.

I notice it feels like I want to just shrivel up and die, and look at those words. I see the words in front of me. Is there a charge on those words? (Do they seem like me, the unlovable one?) Yes, the words seem connected to sensations in my face, chest, and solar plexus. I feel those sensations.

I notice sadness in me. I feel it mostly in sensations in the belly and feel those sensations. I stay with it for a while and feel the sensations as sensations.

I see a picture of darkness connected with the sadness. The picture is of darkness in my belly and it feels like it goes infinitely far. When I ask myself if that picture is the unlovable one, I notice the picture still has a charge (which makes it a “yes”), and that charge is the sensations in my belly. I feel those sensations.

I feel the sadness in my belly, throat, and face. I take time to notice the sensations as sensations. [Break due to conversation.]

I move the image up in front of me so I can see it more clearly as an image. I notice the shape, lines, colors, texture. I then feel the sensations in the belly again. (And notice they seem far less connected to the image.) I stay with the sensations until they fade.

I look at the words “I am unlovable”. I notice a contraction in my chest triggered by the words and feel those sensations as sensations. I stay with the sensations. I notice some sharp pain there in addition to the pressure on the chest.

I see an image of my chest as concave, collapsed. As if the life force has gone out of it. I look at the image, the lines, colors, texture. I move the image out in front of me so it’s easier to recognize it as an image. To take in that it’s an image. (And not anything more than that.)

I see the word “collapsed”. I look at the letters, shapes, lines, colors, the background. I notice the space around it. I ask myself if those letters are connected to me, the one who is unlovable. And I notice it triggers the sensations in my chest.

I feel those sensations in the chest. Stay with them. Allow them as they are. Notice the space they happen within.

I notice some fear of feeling the sensations in the chest. I feel the fear in my arms and face, and feel those sensations. Allow them as they are. Notice the space around them. These sensations fade.

I return to feeling the sensations in the chest. I also feel a contraction in solar plexus so I include that in the sensations I feel. After a while, the sensations fade.

I say the words “I am unlovable”. I notice a (lesser) reaction in my face, solar plexus, chest, and throat. I feel those sensations. [Break.]

[to be continued….]

Love the unloved

After this, I take some time to connect with the part of me that feels unloved. And then hold it with love.

I connect with it. Allow it to be as it is. After a while, I check in with it to see if it’s OK if I hold it with love. It says yes. And I hold it in love. I take time.

I plan on returning to this later today and tomorrow.

I also plan to explore this, the unloved one, through Big Mind/Big Heart, and perhaps in other ways too.

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