How to see all posts on endarkenment and related topics

 

Note: This relates to Blogger, before the move to WordPress, but you can still check out the links.

As mentioned in the previous post, when you display posts with a certain label, only the most recent 20 are shown.

To get around this and see all posts on endarkenment and related topics, go here:

The older posts are at the bottom of the page. Also note that many of these posts will show up under more than one label.

Dream: snow on fire

 

I see a snow covered mountain landscape with the snow on fire. A voice also says “snow on fire.”

I woke up from this dream image, and when I fell asleep again, it came up again, with the same voice saying “snow on fire.”

The snow covers the whole landscape, apart from some peaks, and is fresh and white. The flames are clear, calm, tall and stable.

This reflects what comes up in daily life these days: passion with a depth of clear calm peace.

This depth of peace is partly the void, ground, emptiness, which is the depth of anything arising, and it is partly the luminous blackness (two aspects of the same.) It is the nurturing peace of Spirit filtered through the belly center, balancing out the fire of the head center.

More about this:

After a long period of dryness and lack of passion during the dark night, there are now more moments of passion surfacing, a passion with a deep calm depth, beautifully reflected in the dream image of snow on fire. The passion is the fire, rising out of the depth of peace, void and stillness. (I am amazed of the creativity of what they in Process Work call the “dream maker”, the source of the dreams. This is an image I would not have come up with consciously.)

Exploring it more consciously, I see that the peace has two distinct (although closely related) aspects. One is the void, ground, emptiness, which is the depth of anything arising. The other is the fertile darkness (composting) and the luminous blackness, with the same void, ground and stillness, but also nurturing. Both allows passion to arise, with a depth of peace.

The field filtered through the head and belly centers

 

I have written about this before, but it is still alive in my immediate awareness, and wants to be explored further…

There is a perfect (slightly asymmetrical) symmetry in how Existence is filtered through the head and belly centers.

Head center

Through the head center, it is awake emptiness and form. Crystal clear. Empty luminosity. Awake emptiness in the foreground, and form as nothing other than awake emptiness. It is transcendent. Detached. Free. Absent of any separate self. Full of the whole world. Masculine. Yang. Solar. The Ground of all form, and all form as no other than this Ground. Impersonal. It is the traditional enlightenment.

Belly center

Through the belly center, it is luminous blackness. Velvety. Smooth. Fullness. A full void. Nurturing. Giving birth to and holding all form. That which all form arises within, as, and that which is in all form. Immanent. Absent of any separate self. Nurturing this individual, allowing it to deeply heal, mature, soften, be more rounded, become more deeply human. It is feminine. Yin. Lunar. The ground of all form and that which is the context for, is, and is within all form. Deeply personal. It is the endarkenment.

Difference in emphasis

The head center gives an emphasis on awakening as awake emptiness, and as form which is no other than this awake emptiness. It gives freedom. Transcendence from identification with any segment of Big Mind, including this human self. But alone, it is detached, aloof, impersonal.

The belly center gives an emphasis on the deep transformation of this individual. A deep healing, untying of knots, maturing, softening and rounding of the personality, deepening into the human.

The coolness and nurturing of the belly center balancing out the fire and the impersonal of the head center

Having been familiar with the head center awakening (spontaneously in my teens, and deepening over several years), I now deeply appreciate the belly awakening as well. It gives a new depth, richness, sense of peace, of being deeply nurtured, of a coolness to balance the heat of the head center awakening. In addition to what I have described in other posts on this topics, I have, over the last few weeks, also had glimpses of an amazing (to me) new depth and richness of being, far beyond anything I have experienced before.

New realms of being opening up through the belly center awakening

Through the head center, this whole universe is nothing other than God, an alive presence behind and as everything, and without any separate self anywhere. And through the belly center, there another facet of the void and selflessness, but also new realms of being – of this individual – revealing themselves and deepening. Even the few glimpses I have had so far, over maybe just minutes or hours, are far beyond anything I had ever imagined.

Heart center

I should also mention a few words about the heart center. Existence filtered through the heart center seems to have two aspects: Big Heart and the indwelling God.

Big Heart is a love and compassion that is independent of any particulars of form. As Big Mind, it has no beginning, no end, no form, yet can take any form. It is both impersonal and personal, when expressed thorough an individual, but the impersonal tends to be in the foreground. It is the love and compassion that comes up spontaneously and naturally when Big Mind awakens to itself while still connected, and functioning through, a human being.

The indwelling God is an alive presence, located in the physical heart area. Infinitely loving, intelligent, receptive, and responsive. A most intimate guide. It is an aspect of God, placed in and for this particular individual.

While Big Heart is connected with Big Mind, universal and slightly impersonal (although can be made personal when expressed), the indwelling God is experienced as intimately personal, an alive presence in the heart area of this individual.

In both cases, it is universal, and this is in the foreground with Big Heart, and in the background – or as a context – for the indwelling God. And in both cases, it is personal, and this is in the foreground for the indwelling God, and a possibility – when made personal through a human self – for Big Heart.

Again, when the indwelling God became more alive in awareness around Christmas, it was something new opening up (yet also very familiar somehow.) An infinitely loving, intelligent, receptive and responsive alive presence, in the heart area. An aspect of God, for this individual. A most intimate guide.

Indwelling God and Big Heart, again, and some more

 

I had tea with a friend from the diksha group today, and it (not surprisingly) turns out that we have been going through a very similar process lately. And one of the topics that came up was the importance (in each of our process) to include the soul level, the alive presence, in addition to the Big Mind and human levels. This alive nurturing luminous presence, which shows up in so many different ways when filtered through the three centers, unfolds over time, and infuses this human self.

And the importance for both of us in including the indwelling God in addition to Big Mind/Heart. The alive presence, in the heart area, as a fragment of God for this individual, infinitely loving, intelligent, receptive and responsive. Just waiting for us to ask for guidance, for knots to unravel, for maturing into a deeper and more full and soul-infused human life, and for awakening (and anything else for that matter.)

For both of us, these are living realities, filling out the picture of just our human self (the whole of us as human beings) and Big Mind, rounding it out, allowing more soulfulness – even in the conventional sense of the word.

We also found that we both, as part of the process, have been sleeping a lot, probably to process everything happening, and also have been watching a good deal of movies. For me, the movie watching allows things in me to surface, evoked and mirrored by the movies, and then be composted in the fertile darkness, the nurturing darkness of essence filtered through the belly center.

And also the deepening sense of intimacy between this individual and the wider world, both as a field (Big Mind), but also in terms of its specific content, through a steady unbroken stream of synchronicities throughout daily life.

And much more as well.

I attended a self-Breema class this morning, then had this conversation later in the afternoon, and the wholeness and depth of being was very tangible. Then, I went to a talk at the Jungian society on alchemical symbols (which was excellent and very interesting), got into my head (which is a form of resistance to what is), and afterwards felt more fragmented, and lacking the same width and depth. Interesting how something intended to invite us more into wholeness can actually do the opposite, if it is mainly presented from the head and processed by the receiver by the head. I’ll do a whole day experiential workshop tomorrow, on the same topic, and intend to use my Breema principles more actively – to bring my body and more of my whole being to it.

Aspects of seeking, longing and wanting

 

Another rambling post, this one of some of the things that come up for me when I explore longing in my own life…

Resolved at three levels

Seeking, longing and wanting can be resolved at (at least) three levels.

First, they can be met, and partially and temporarily resolved, at our human level.

Then, they can be met, and more deeply resolved, at our soul level.

Finally, they can be ultimately resolved at our Spirit level.

And these three are in no way mutually exclusive.

What we seek

Some of the things I find myself seeking include sense of belonging, sense of home, intimacy, love, acceptance, allowing, wealth, abundance, fullness, peace, rest, excitement, being fully alive, experience and live life fully, freedom from suffering, joy, happiness, fulfillment, understanding.

Examples of resolution at three levels

So how is any particular longing resolved at the three levels?

A longing for intimacy

Is partially and temporarily met and resolved at my human level in three ways: through intimacy with others, with the larger whole (nature, earth, universe), and with myself. It can take the form of friendship, intimate relationships, physical intimacy, transparency, sharing of more of all of me, connection with nature, exploring and embracing more of what I am.

At my soul level, it is more deeply met and resolved in two ways. First, when the alive presence surfaces as 2nd or 1st person (you or I/me) there is inherent a deep and profound sense of intimacy there (I am not sure how to describe it more clearly, but it is certainly there.) Then, as there is an awakening of the soul level, there is also a deep and profound sense of intimacy with the wider world as well, with others, nature, the universe as a whole. It is all shimmering with and as alive luminous presence. And this alive presence, right here, in this individual, this personal presence, is of one piece with the alive presence out there, the personal alive presence of others, and the impersonal alive presence everywhere throughout nature and the universe.

And as with any other longing, it is ultimately resolved at the Spirit level. It arises from a sense of I and Other, of separation, which gives a sense of lack, of something missing (which is true.) So when the field of what is, of seeing and seen, of awake emptiness and form, when this field awakens to itself as a field, without any center, without any separate self anywhere, then any longing is resolved. There is only identification with longing when there is a sense of separation. In the absence of separation, there is also an absence of identification with longing (it may still arise, but without identification.)

A seeking of a sense of belonging

Is partially met through all our human ways we find belonging, such as belonging to a place, a community, a landscape, a family, a culture, a nation, a planet, an universe.

Is more deeply met and resolved through awakening of soul as alive presence and all the other ways it arises. In second person, there is a deep sense of belonging, and as first person, it deepens even further. There is a recognition that this is who I really am, at an individual level. In my immediate experience, am far more truly this soul, this alive presence, than I am this human self and personality.

And again, at the Spirit level, there is a more ultimate resolution. Here, I find myself as awake emptiness and form, and as the Ground of all form. It is complete. There is no Other anywhere that can add to it. There is no Other that can provide any further sense of belonging.

Soul level

I could go through a large number of longings, and the ways they are resolved at our human level is pretty obvious from our own experience, and the way they are resolved at Spirit level is always the same (absence of I and Other)…

But the ways they are resolved at our soul level is more interesting to me right now, maybe especially since my formal background is mostly from Zen, and this seems to be largely left out of Zen.

At our soul level, either finding soul as second or first person, all the longings I have explored so far, for myself, are naturally resolved. The many qualities of the soul is exactly what I long for…

The alive presence seems to be filtered through the three centers in different ways, as light split through a prism. It is filtered through the belly center as fertile darkness and a luminous blackness, deeply nurturing, holding, allowing anything in this human self to be composted. It is filtered through the heart center as an alive presence in the heart, infinitely loving, intelligent, receptive, responsive and personal. It is filtered through the head center as clarity, awake emptiness, form as no other than awake emptiness.

Through the belly center, there is a deep sense of stillness, nurturing, healing and maturing. Through the heart center, a deep sense of God as personal (whether second or first person) and infinite love. Through the head center, nondual wisdom and a release from suffering.

Together, there is a deep sense of aliveness, belonging, nurturing, acceptance, allowing, peace, rest, stillness, fullness, wealth, richness, excitement, intimacy, understanding.

Embracing all three levels

The alive presence – in all its many aspects, as this individual and the wider world – really fills all my needs, it is everything I ever was looking for. And yet, it does not preclude also finding it at my human level, and it does not preclude finding the ultimate resolution at the Spirit level.

There is a deeper longing which is the embrace of all three levels, of finding what we seek at our human, soul and Spirit levels. Why leave anything out?

And some other aspects of this…

Surrender

There has to be a sense of surrender at each of these levels.

One form of surrender has to do with impermanence…

At our human level, it is obvious. Everything is in flux. Things happen. I may seek something particular, and it doesn’t come along. I have what I want, and it goes away. Something comes along I don’t want. That is just human life.

And so it is also at our soul level. The alive presence may be very much present in some phases in our life, and then retreat and seemingly be completely gone. That is the relationship with our soul, at least in the early phase.

The same is the case for the Spirit level. We may have glimpses of various clarity and duration, and then they are gone. Again, this is our relationship with Spirit, until it awakens fully to itself.

Another form of surrender is of what we take ourselves to be…

At my human level, I may find myself as more than or different from what I thought I was, and particular identities are surrendered. I may have ambitions that do not come to fruition. I may find in myself things I didn’t want to see. I may have gifts I didn’t know was there. Ways of being I was not aware was there come up in different situations and emerge over time.

Finding myself as soul, my exclusive identity as a human being (and with the personality) has to go.

And finding myself as Spirit, any identifications has to go.

Each of these is a death, and a rebirth. We die as what we thought we were, and are reborn as something else.

Adyashanti’s inquiries: tracing back, and not already here?

It is helpful to clarify what we seek and long for, and one way to do it (recommended by Adyashanti) is to make a list of everything we want, from the most grand to the most petty, from the most spiritual to the most mundane. Then, go through each item and ask what do I hope to get from this? And continue until you find the seed want (for me, it usually ends up as happiness, and freedom from suffering.)

Then, ask yourself is it true that this is not already here? Usually, I can find it present, at least as a grain, at each of the three levels. Any longing presumes that it is not already here, so this is a way to notice that it may already be here.

Spirit, soul and human self

If we awaken to ourselves as what we are, as Spirit, then everything is rest, peace, even in the midst of great activity and turmoil. There is the I without the Other, so automatically rest, a sense of completeness, of nothing missing. No matter what happens at our individual soul and human levels, the peace and sense of completeness is there.

If we awake to ourselves as soul, to any degree, then there is a continuous sense of alive presence, of profound and vibrant aliveness, nourishment, richness, fullness, sweetness, intimacy, being home. And this infuses our human life, no matter how this human life shows up (if it goes bad, this gives comfort and relieves some of the suffering, and if it goes well, this gives an added sense of vibrancy and aliveness.)

Journeying: hardness and energetic hole

 

I did a journeying (for lack of a better term) this morning, after waking up. I noticed a sense of hardness in me, and stayed with it to see what (if anything) would happen…

Hard shining black pearls

There is a small black pearl in my heart area, although a little behind my back. Now, many small black pearls throughout the heart area, of slightly different sizes and forms, all hard and shining. Then a very large one, with a center in the heart area but going far beyond this physical body.

All of the pearls are hard and shiny. They seem far too hard. They are inert, with no interaction with the human self or anything else. I am staying with this hardness.

Sinking into dark crumbly soil

The large pearl sinks into a dark crumbly soil, which is from the belly down. It is slowly softening.

Luminous black infinity

Then there is a sense of unbelievable vastness everywhere, as a luminous blackness, somehow centered in the heart region. It is black, shining, everywhere, infinite, in all directions. It has the shiny black quality of the initial pearls, but is also a void, empty, allowing anything within it.

Fear of nothing to hold onto

Fear and disorientation comes up. There is nothing to hold onto in this infinity, no ground, nothing fixed.

Attention stays with the fear, and it shows up as a knot (or a fist) in the belly. I stay with the knot.

Space below, and dark crumbly soil

After a while, it softens and expands. There is a sense of space in the belly area, the whole lower area of the torso. A soft expansive space.

The space opens up below, allowing the whole of earth… Soft, crumbly soil. Dark, quiet, nourishing, earthy. It is like a womb, nurturing everywhere.

There is an incredible sense of spaciousness and fullness below. Dark, nourishing, spacious and full.

Infinite luminous blackness, and my human self torn into pieces by the infinity

Attention goes back to the infinite luminous blackness, everywhere yet also centered in the heart area.

There is an image of my human self floating in this infinity, and being torn in all directions by the infinite. Fear comes up again. (I see how my identification with this human self, with something decidedly finite, prevents me from going into the infinite luminous blackness, finding myself as it. Being identified with my human self, there is a sense of it being torn into pieces when I go into the infinite.)

The fear is a form of resistance to this infinity, to finding myself as this infinity.

An image of armor comes up, as an armadillo, a Japanese warrior, a tank. (This is the resistance.)

Lower spine

Attention goes to the spine in the lower back, from the tailbone to the end of the ribcage. There is a sense of an energetic hole there, a weakness, impoverished, depleted of energy. The center of the hole seems to be just below the navel (tan tien area.)

I stay with this weakened spine area. (I am also aware of the vast, spacious crumbly soil below, and of the infinite luminous blackness everywhere.)

[I get up an shower, then take a few minutes to go into this again.]

Specks of golden light, and nurturing full blackness

I continue staying with the energetic hole in the spine. After a while, numerous small specks of golden light start working in the spine area, reorganizing and healing. Then, the soft nourishing blackness fills the same area, nurturing the spine and everything else there.

I am with the golden specks and the nurturing full blackness, and sense the fullness and healing in a very tangible way.

After a while, a light gray inner lining of the spine is pulled out through the bottom of the spine. Where the lining used to be, a luminous golden blackness comes up. Healing, working.

[to be continued]

Themes

The dark crumbly vast soil below, from belly down, and somehow centered in the belly.

The luminous blackness everywhere, infinite, and centered in the heart. (The black pearls with the same quality as this luminous blackness, and revealing themselves as this infinite luminous blackness.)

The energetic hole in the lower spine, centered in tan tien.

The working on this energetic deficiency by innumerable specks of golden light (active, moving around) and the nurturing full blackness (nurturing.)

Noticing

I notice how the belly center darkness is vast, dark and nurturing, as crumbly soil. The heart center darkness is a luminous blackness, a void, infinite, combining the alive luminosity and the empty blackness. And what works on the spine is active golden specks of light (yang), along with a nurturing full blackness (yin).

The initial too hard quality of the pearls seems to be connected with a resistance to finding myself as the (luminous black) infinity. And this fear and resistance, taking the form of a hard armor, comes from being identified with this human form.

A more full-bodied being with

 

One way of being with experiences is to just see and allow them, as they are, as they unfold, change, morph, transmute.

The other is to bring in all three centers.

To see, feel and love them, as they are, and as Spirit.

To see them, allowing them to unfold within awakeness. To have a felt-sense of them, bringing the body in. To love and allow them. As they are, in their unique form aspect. (And as they are, in their form and formless aspects, as Spirit.)

Head center only

Bringing in the head center only is very valuable in itself. It releases the suffering in the situation (which comes from trying to push away experience) and it can even allow Big Mind to awaken to itself, as what is.. the seeing and the seen, as one field, already and always centerless and selfless.

All three centers

Bringing in all the three centers changes the situation… Now, whatever arises is not only allowed and seen, but also felt into and held in love.

So the stress is released as when the head center alone is included, and Big Mind can still awaken to itself, but in addition to this, there is also a healing taking place within content. There is a healing of the individual self. The vulnerable animal feels held, safe, relaxes, allows the deeper patterns behind knots and contractions to unwind and reorganize within this new context.

I assume that some of this healing takes place just by seeing, but to me, it seems that it happens at a much deeper and more thorough level when all three centers are included.

Healing of the moment and of the patterns

In a way, it seems that only including the head center (the seeing) allows the moment to be healed, it allows the stress of the moment to be released, and also Big Mind to notice itself as already centerless and selfless. But it may not touch the deeper patterns of this individual so much.

And bringing the three centers in allows not only the moment to be healed, but also the deeper patterns. It reaches into the deeper patterns of this human self, allowing them to reorganize within this new context of deep allowing, of seeing, feeling and loving what is as it is, and within this new context of all seen, felt and loved as Spirit.

Seeds and fruits

I also notice some seeds and fruits here.

When I see and feel into what arises, the heart seems to come in. It allows and invites the heart to come in. So the seed is to see and feel into what arises, and the fruit is the heart.

The other seed is to see, feel (and then love) whatever arises as it is, which seems to allow and invite a (spontaneous) seeing, feeling and loving all as Spirit.

More simple and doable

And this makes it all much more simple and doable: My job is only to see and feel into what arises, as it is.

This invites and allows the heart to come in, with a spontaneous love for what arises, as it is.

And this in turn invites and allows a spontaneous seeing, feeling and loving anything arising as Spirit, as awake emptiness and form.

As made up of God stuff. No other than an aspect of God itself.

The seed of many fruits

Trying to do it all at once may be too overwhelming, especially in the beginning, but I can allow, see and feel into whatever arises. That is well within what is possible for me. And it is the seed of many fruits. (It may be best to simply allow these fruits as well, in whatever form they take, without having too firm expectations of anything.)

Felt-sense of all as one

 

When I woke up from the detective (lila) dream, I took some time exploring the felt-sense of I and Other, and also what happens when I bring in quality of many as one – from the dream.

I went through a parade of people, from those I know personally to those I know from the media, and those there is an attraction towards and aversion towards. What happens if there is a felt-sense of the two as one, as one character playing many roles, as it was in the dream?

What I found was a physical and felt release of tension, of deep relaxation, of fullness, ease, a felt sense of one as many… appreciating the diversity, yet also knowing that there is only one I.

Including more of our being

Putting it in words, it may sound very similar to seeing all as Spirit, as in the Big Mind process. And that is one aspect of it. But to feel it, to have a felt-sense of it, bodily, is quite different.

There is a whole other realm of fullness here, of being it more fully, of the basement being included (the client & target from the dream was in the basement when I found him, maybe for that reason… It was all about the felt-sense, the body, the belly center, the first few chakras.)

Three centers

Through the head center, there is a seeing of all as Spirit. Our view is reorganized within a nondual realization. This is Big Mind in the Big Mind process.

Through the heart center, there is a loving of all as Spirit. Our heart is reorganized within all as Spirit, open to all forms independent of how they show up. This is Big Heart.

And through the belly center, there is a felt-sense of all as Spirit. Our physical body feels all as Spirit, and our body and emotions are reorganized within all as Spirit. This could be called Big Belly (Hotei). It opens up a whole other realm of fullness, depth, nourishing, substantiality, groundedness, lived reality of all as Spirit.

Vulnerable animal

It is our individual human self, the vulnerable animal, that is reactive, contracted, fearful, blinded, hopeful, lashing out, clinging on, fearing death, feeling a sense of lack and something missing… It organizes in this way within a context of a sense of separation. It is a vulnerable (and wounded) little animal, and reacts in all of these ways as all animals do.

And the felt-sense of all as Spirit allows it to reorganize, to relax, to soften. It allows the little animal to feel safe, to gradually heal, to feel nourished, a sense of fullness, of nothing missing.

All is Spirit, reflected in the physical body and emotions

Of course, even here it will take care of itself in all the common sense and practical ways, through food, exercise, getting out of harms way and so on. But it will do it within a felt-sense of all being OK, of nourishment, fullness, a deep safety beyond conventional safety and danger.

This felt-sense of all as Spirit, of nourishment, fullness, of being held, of all being OK independent of what happens to the individual, comes from Spirit – not from the individual. It is Spirit awakening to itself, reflected deeply in the individual, in the body and emotional levels of the individual. And if deepened in that way, then they are there, no matter what physically happens to the individual.

Head only, or including belly

If Spirit is filtered through the head center only (or head and heart), there is a conventional awakening. Spirit awakens to itself as the ground of seeing and seen, and there is no I anywhere (or all as I). The individual is reorganized in this context, to some extent, but may also have wounds and hangups left. These too are also recognized as Spirit… Spirit arising as wounds, so in an absolute sense, it is OK.

But when the belly is included, it allows this individual, this vulnerable little animal, to reorganize at a deep level… Deep wounds are invited to heal, all these wounds created from a sense of separation… All the fear, desire, longing, terror, dread, cruelty, hopes, wishes, clinging… All of the ways the vulnerable little animal reacts to protect itself, when it lives from a sense of separation. These are all invited to heal, in a deep way.

The wounds soften, melt, gradually heal, gradually reorganize to reflect a felt-sense of all as Spirit. And as this happens within form, there is no end to how far this can go. There is always one more bit to heal, one step further to go, new ways to reorganize within a felt sense of all as Spirit.

Taking care of what we are, and who we are

Another way to put it is that we not only take care of what we are, but also who we are.

When Big Mind awakens to itself, as awake emptiness and form absent of I anywhere, and becomes familiar with itself in this way, while still being functionally connected with an individual human self, we take care of what we are.

And when we allow our individual self to deeply reorganize within this new context, through the head, heart and belly centers, we take care of who we are. And this is an unending process, there is always further to go, a continuous deepening, healing, reorganizing, maturing.

It is a process of deepening into what we are, as Spirit awake to itself, and who we are, as an individual soul and human self, reflecting Spirit awakened to itself.

What we are offers the realization of selflessness, of an absence of I anywhere. And who we are offers the opportunity to live and explore this in and as form.

Practices surfacing

 

It seems that many practices surface on their own these days…

This morning, I noticed lots of hangups coming up…. over someone delivering soggy firewood to us, careless housemates, the infernal rain… And then, a very tangible sense of this all coming from the soft little animal. This little vulnerable animal, which has been hurt, scared, confused, lost, so many times over its life (especially early on, when everything was new and utterly confusing.)

So instead of going into the contractions and stories coming up, there was space around it, and also a deep compassion for their source – which is this vulnerable, scared, hurt, confused little animal. This human self, as an animal, trying to find its way in this world, and sometimes being quite reactive and contracted. There was deep compassion for this little animal, and a seeing, feeling into, and loving of it. Holding it in gentle love, allowing it to relax, unwind, maybe even heal a little.

This is what many intentional processes do, such as Process Work, Voice Dialog and other ones, but it is nice when it surfaces on its own, as a spontaneous practice. A practiceless practice.

Another one that has come up for me over the last few days is the question is this worth getting contacted over? So far, the answer has always been no, and a release of the contraction.

Death and rebirth

 

The world is a process of death and rebirth on a wide range of scales, from everything dying as what it was and being reborn as something else, continuously, to the death and rebirth within each of our lives, the death and rebirth of stars and solar systems, and possibly of the universe as a whole.

Since going into the diksha process 1.5 years ago, this death and rebirth process within my life has come to the foreground again… The death of old patterns and identities, and something else emerging in its place. It has not always been a pleasant process (it has been miserable at times), and I see that the misery comes from resistance. Whenever there is resistance to experiencing something that needs to be seen, felt, loved, there is drama and stress. And whenever there is resistance to letting a particular identity go, there is the same drama and suffering… proportional to the resistance.

Journeying I: impoverished skeleton, then infusion of alive, intelligent light

Sunday, during the journeying process of allowing knots to emerge, be felt into, and dissolve or morph into something else, two main themes emerged. One was seeing my spine, especially from the tailbone and up to solar plexus, being in deep need of healing, and then my whole skeleton being in deep need of healing, impoverished and having been devoid of life for a long time, going back to childhood.

After being with this for a while, and also being with the deep sadness coming up over this, there was an infusion of golden alive liquid light into the skeleton, first in the lower half of the spine, then throughout the skeleton. An infusion of alive, infinitely intelligent light, as innumerable particles of golden light around the skeleton flowing into the skeleton, gradually filling it up, bringing a deeply needed nourishment and life to the skeleton.

After a while, there was a very strong sense of a physical change in my body as well, corresponding to the infusion of liquid golden healing light into the skeleton.

The alive, infinitely intelligent, loving, receptive and active (when invited) light, is the same as awakened in the heart area a couple of weeks ago, the indwelling God.

And the liquidy softness of it is the fertile softness of the belly center.

Journeying II: being a decomposing body

Later in the process, I found myself as a decomposing body, as the body, slowly decomposing, into dark fertile soil. The volume of sensory input was turned down during this phase, and there was a deep silence and quietness. My physical body stopped breathing for long periods of time, then took a deep breath on its own occasionally (to stay alive), and then going back into not breathing for a while. It was a beautiful process, being the deep silent blackness.

Dream: body stopping to function

This morning, there was a dream of my body stopping to function, first in the legs and then throughout the body, leading into death and decomposing. Again with a sense of it being completely OK, held in deep silence.

Big Mind and belly center

 

As I walked along a street earlier today, there was a shift into clear Big Mind, and this time including the flavors of the belly center. There was a sense of ease, clarity, of everything arising as awakeness and form, and all with the luminous blackness and fullness of Spirit filtered through the belly center. It is interesting how even Big Mind can have so many different flavors, and this one was particularly enjoyable, with another level of depth and grounding.

Three realms of being

 

Here is one way of slicing the cake of our being, into three realms…

First, the formless… Awake emptiness, capacity for the world. Selfless, timeless, spaceless.

Then, this awake emptiness as form, including innumerable individuals (selfless), unfolding in space and time.

And finally, not less important than the two other, me as this particular individual self, as an individual soul and human self alive here and now, in this little spot of the whole wide world of form. And this is where shadow work, healing, development, maturing, and unfolding as an individual takes place, deepening over time, endlessly (at least as long as this individual is around.)

This corresponds roughly to the three centers…

Spirit filtered through the head center reveals itself as the formless, as awake emptiness, as form as awake emptiness, as individuals inherently selfless.

Spirit filtered through the heart center reveals itself as formless love, and all forms as no other than formless love. It also reveals itself as love for all form, including all individuals, no matter their particulars, as Spirit.

Spirit filtered through the belly center reveals itself as a felt sense of all as Spirit, and as the luminous blackness which, among other things, gives a deep sense of nurturing, fullness and healing for this particular human self.

Each of the three centers include the formless, form and selflessness, although the head center reveals the formless in the foreground, the heart center form – including individuals – in the foreground, and the belly center this particular individual in the foreground.

Resistance as essential for embodiment

 

Resistance seems essential for embodiment.

First, it is what allows the world of form. It is what allows Spirit to not only find itself as formless but also as form. Resistance is inherent in the world of form, as divisions, boundaries, friction. Without these types of resistance, inherent in Spirit as form, there would be no form. Resistance is the mechanism for Spirit to become form… galaxies, solar systems, planets, living planets, individual beings, experiences, thoughts, culture, cities, this universe. It is what allows form unfolding in space and time.

Then, it is what allows Spirit to awaken to itself while functionally connected with a human being (or any other being for that matter, where Spirit awakens consciously to itself.) Resistance is what allows Spirit to fully embody in, through and as a body, conscious of itself. It is the gritty process of embodiment, of allowing everything about our individual self to reorganize within the new context of Spirit awakened to itself… our physical body, our energy system, our emotional level, our heart, our view, our relationships, our life and engagement in the world.

Resistance is inherent in embodiment. It is Spirit exploring itself as formless & form and the unfolding relationships between the two, including what takes place when the form is reorganized within the context of the formless awakened to itself.

So why resist resistance? Why not makes friends with it, embrace it, see that too as God’s will, as God itself, as an essential part of the embodiment process. The more resistance, the more gritty the process is, the fuller and richer the process and the eventual embodiment.

Resistance gives rise to struggle and suffering, and resistance to resistance is no different. It is God resisting itself, so that is not surprising. And allowing gives a sense of release, spaciousness, of all as Spirit.

As with anything else arising, we can deepen into seeing, feeling and even loving resistance as Spirit itself, as always no other than Spirit.

Headlessness and three centers

 

Since hearing about Douglas Harding’s death this morning, I have explored headlessness again as I go about my activities. I notice a slight difference in exploring headlessness, and it seems to has to do with the three centers. It is still quite new so I am sure more will unfold, but for now…

Capacity

Being capacity for the world, or the awakeness the world unfolds within and as, has a slightly different quality since the endarkenment shift. It is somehow softer, fuller, more yin, and has a sense of being a ground in a different way, more as something to just allow, relax into. The sense of crystal clarity is there, yet that too as somehow rounder, fuller, softer.

First and second person

And I also see how the second and first (zero) person views are there at the same time. The first person view is being the capacity for the world, the awake emptiness it arises within and as (although this is really a zero person view, as there is no Other, and it is not even a view, just the ground of everything arising, of the seeing and the seen.)

And the second person is everything arising as love, and as love for everything arising. First person is Big Mind, second person is Big Heart, where everything arising as love is a very subtle second person, and the love for everything arising is a more clear second person.

Three centers

These are also two of the centers. Being capacity for the world is Spirit filtered through the head center. And everything arising as love, and loved, is Spirit filtered through the heart center.

The third, belly, center, is including the body and emotions in this, allowing them to reorganize within Capacity and love. The belly center specifically includes our human self, allowing it to deepen and reorganize, at an emotional level, into the felt sense of this.

Dreams, and thought as servant

 

A dream from a couple of weeks ago:

I am in a car with the actor who plays Monk, a brilliant detective, on TV. He needs some extra money, decides he wants to help me find answers to some existential questions I have, and makes some of the movements Monk makes when searching for clues at a crime scene. It is painfully obvious that he only plays a detective on TV and has no idea how to go about finding the answers. He makes the movements Monk makes, but will not find any answers that way. We are both dismayed.

And one from last week:

I work for a pale, fat, sleazy corrupt man, writing articles for magazines and newspapers. There is some freedom in it, in terms of deciding on the topics of the stories and even the deadlines, but I only get 16% of the profits. I am only doing it because I am not sure if I can make it on my own, in spite of the whole situation feeling unpleasant and corrupt.

Alive presence guiding its own unfolding

Since the endarkenment shift some weeks ago, it has been very clear that the alive presence itself guides its unfolding. My mind, in the sense of conscious thought, can only be a servant in this process.

It does not – and cannot – know where it goes, what comes next, which realms will open up. Any expectations are far too narrow, limited only to what has happened in the past, and these are whole new realms unfolding. It is only a servant, it can help explore, describe, record what is happening, and that is about it. At most, it can find patterns after they unfold.

Habits of the conscious mind guiding the process

At the same time, I have done a lot of inquiry work over the last year or so, where the conscious mind definitely is in charge and guides the process. Also, in our culture, and even in most spiritual traditions, we are used to conscious thought being in charge and guiding the process. We plan something out, or are told to do something, and do it (or not).

It is my habitual pattern, especially over the last few years, so even if it is abundantly clear that the alive presence itself guides its unfolding, and it is taking me into whole new realms where everything is different, there is still the temptation to use conscious thought for guiding the process. It is only that it does not work. The one time since the endarkenment shift where I got into trying to figure it out and guide the process through conscious thought, I got thoroughly stuck (about two weeks ago). And I notice the same in smaller ways daily.

Conscious mind boxes the process in, even with the best of intentions, and this process cannot be boxed in.

Dreams as reminder

And these dreams, of the actor who plays a detective on TV and is unable to be of real help with my existential questions, and the boss who is a sleazeball, is a reminder of this.

Conscious mind is an actor playing someone who knows how to do it. And placing conscious mind as a boss gives a sense of corruption.

Head and belly centers

The three centers seem to filter Spirit in different way. Through the head center, as awake emptiness and form, with no I anywhere. Through the belly center, as fertile darkness, an alive luminous blackness. And through the heart center, as an infinitely loving and intelligent presence, universal and personal at the same time.

So to be fair, I see that the conscious mind can do a very good job in exploring and guiding the process of Spirit filtered through the head center. Through various forms of self-inquiry, we can find ourselves Big Mind, as awake emptiness and form, we can allow beliefs to unravel, and so on. It does a fine job here.

But for the exploration of Spirit filtered through the belly center, it can only be a servant at most. Here, the alive presence definitely guides the process. And this is what is happening for me right now, so one of my tasks is to allow conscious thought to be a servant in this process. Curious, interested, receptive, describing it after it happens.

As there is a deepening into seeing, feeling and loving all as Spirit, there is also an increased differentiation – including in the roles of conscious thought.

Head and belly, and heart follows

 

When I see and feel into whatever arises, the heart seems to follow.

Seeing, feeling and loving

The seeing is the witnessing of whatever is, it is free from what is seen, and can even be a recognition of what is seen as no other than awake emptiness itself. The feeling into it is a felt sense of what arises, it is the body joining in feeling what arises. And the heart is a receptivity and love for what arises.

The head and the belly sees and feels what arises. There is a being with what arises as seeing and feeling, and really as seeing-feeling since when both are there, they are just two aspects of being with whatever is, with the experiences as they are here now, with the content as it unfolds. And this seems to invite and allow the heart to join, to soften, open up for whatever is, here now (with the sweetness and pain, rawness and tenderness, a sense of the universal and personal, that often seems to come with that for me, at least right now.)

The process reflected in stories

Last night, after having seeing these dynamics throughout the day, I wondered how this would be represented in stories and mythology, and if I could find any stories that reflects this process?

The view, seeing, witnessing, is from the head center, and is yang, masculine, transcendent, free from what is seen. The feeling into, the felt sense, is from the belly center and is yin, feminine, embodied, engaged with what is felt. And the heart is the receptivity, openness, love, with equal amounts of yin and yang aspects (which is probably why the Bodhisattva of compassion – Avalokitesvara, Kwan Yin, Kanzenon, Chenrezig – is depicted as sometimes male and sometimes female, and always quite androgynous).

Our lives mirroring the dynamics of head and belly coming together, awakening the heart

So of course, the natural way to depict this process of the head and belly coming together, inviting the heart to follow, is of a man and woman coming together, awakening love. And not only is there no lack of those stories, it is at the core of our existence as humans. Our very lives are metaphors, or mirror, this process.

Also mirrored as Spirit, human and soul

At another level, the seeing is Spirit, the felt sense is the human self, and the love is the soul. So here, we can say that when Spirit and human comes together, love awakens. And this is the typical process of a Buddhist practice where there is an emphasis on Big Mind and the human self, which allows the love (and the soul) to unfold.

Parallels with Breema and Gurdjieff

In Breema, they say that when mind and body comes together, the feelings join. When attention is brought to the body (the movements of the body, posture, tone of voice, weight), the feelings join – as a sense of nurturing fullness. From the little I know of Gurdjieff, it seems that these are the three centers as he described them: head is in this case attention, belly is body, and feelings are heart.

(This is quite different from how I experience the three centers: The head center filters Spirit in its aspect of pure seeing, awake emptiness, seeing all as Spirit. The belly center as feeling, form, feeling all as Spirit. And the heart center as love, loving it all as Spirit. The centers and the dynamics between the centers as described here seems to be similar, but the descriptions – and experience – of them, apparently quite different.)

Unified heart, and world as split or Spirit

 

I keep repeating this, and many other things, so I must need it!

Three centers, unified individually and together

When the heart is unified, open to all and everything, it invites the head (view) and belly (emotions, feelings) to be unified as well, and all the three centers tend to function in a more aligned way. (From the little I know about Gurdjieff, I think he talked about something similar, and it is one of the main guidelines in Breema as well.)

Three centers formed within a sense of I and Other, or all as Spirit

Heart, view and emotional patterns formed within a sense of I and Other naturally tends to function in a split way. The heart is open some times and towards some people, and closed other times and other people. The view is split, seeing Existence as inherently divided in various ways. The emotions are reactive. The three centers are often not very well aligned.

Heart, view and emotions formed within a sense of all as Spirit naturally tend to function in a unified way. The heart is open to all situations and people. The view reflects more of a nondual realization. The feelings gives a sense of fullness, nurturing and support. The three centers are aligned.

Daily life

This is very much alive in my daily life. I notice my heart closing off towards someone or something, and the view and emotions automatically follow. The view becomes more dualistic, gives a stronger sense of I and Other, and becomes more rigid and inflexible. The emotions are reactive. And I experience not only the world as split, but my individual self as divided as well.

But if there is the intention of well-wishing, maybe even in the form of prayer for the other person (for all the best unfolding), it changes. My heart becomes unified, open to the world. The view is less split, seeing myself in the other, and all of us in the same boat. My feelings become full, nurturing and supportive. I experience the world and my individual self as more unified.

Other aspects

There is of course an infinity of things happening when our individual self is organized within a sense of I and Other, and then reorganized within all as Spirit.

For instance, when there is a sense of I and Other, there is also resistance, and this resistance is reflected in each of the three centers. The heart is closed. The view sees a split between I and Other, and resists certain ways the world is and certain experiences. The emotions are reactive.

When the centers are reorganized within all as Spirit, the resistance gives way for receptivity. The heart is receptive and open. The view is receptive and more fluid. The feelings are receptive and nurturing.

These seed patterns are reflected throughout our being, including our physical bodies. Within a context of I and Other, our body becomes more rigid, tense, defensive, inflexible, and armored, just as the rest of us. And within a context of all as Spirit, or rather a felt sense of all as Spirit, it becomes relaxed, receptive and supple.

This happens over time, making our bodies a literal embodiment of our sense of the world. And it also happens instantaneously. I close my heart off, and immediately, my muscles tense up (for me, especially the calves.)

Our body, as every other part of us, naturally reflects a sense of the world as split, or of all as Spirit.

Belly center and feeling into

 

I have started listening to Adyashanti’s Five Truths About Truth, and find his way of talking to be as refreshing, simple and clear as always.

He is one of the few I know who talks about the awakening of the belly center. He mentioned it in passing at his satsang in Ashland, and has probably talked about it in more detail other times (still looking for it).

Feeling into being emptiness

In Five Truths About Truth, I notice that he emphasizes feeling into the experience of being awake emptiness.

In my experience, that is one of the aspects of the awakening of the belly center. It allows for and invites to a deepening feeling, with the whole body and every cell of the body, that all is Spirit, all is awake emptiness and form, and it allows for a deepening reorganization of the body and the emotions within this new context.

Practice, and dropping into it

The difference is that before an awakening (even a very early awakening, as in my case) it remains a practice, something we have to intentionally do. After, it happens on its own, and the only intention is to surrender anything coming up, any beliefs, identities, any aspect of the personality, to it.

Alive luminous blackness

Also, before the belly center awakening the term fertile darkness does not make so much sense (at least it didn’t for me). After, it becomes a living presence, an immediate experience.

It is a fertile darkness, an alive luminous blackness which is the ground of all forms, gives a deep sense of fullness and nurturing, and allows for a deep reorganization and healing of the emotional level. And as Almaas writes, and I have experienced since the (early) belly awakening some weeks ago, this luminous blackness is experienced everywhere, as if “peering out through all forms” as he puts it.

Almaas, and Barry and Karen the diksha givers, are the only ones I have found so far whose experiences with this reflects my own, down into the details, although it must be a relatively common occurrence, it is just that I haven’t explored it before in this way, and not looked for descriptions of it.

Heart mirroring head mirroring belly

 

Also nothing new, but something that keeps coming up throughout the day…

When my heart is closed off towards someone or something, the view is split, and emotions tends to be more reactive. When me heart opens towards someone or something, the view reflects more closely the field as a field, and emotions becomes more full, nurturing and supportive.

In the first case, each of the three centers reflect a sense of I and Other, and aversion to the particular other. The heart is closed, the view confused and split, emotions reactive.

In the second case, each of the three centers reflect a sense of the field as a field, and a recognition of whatever arises as the field itself. The heart is open, the view reflects a more nondual realization, and the emotions gives a sense of fullness, nurturing and support.

The three centers and the chakras

 

A question about the relationship between the three centers and the chakras came up for me after the phone session. I don’t know much about it yet, so all of this is from a very limited experience, and not aligned with anything I have heard or read so far.

The three centers and the chakras do not at all seem the same, but they are also obviously connected.

Three centers allowing the chakras to reorganize

It seems that the three centers allows the chakras to transform and reorganize, along with the human self in general. The belly center allows the three first chakras to reorganize within all as Spirit, within and allowing a deepening of a felt sense of all as Spirit. The heart center allows the heart chakra to reorganize to loving all as Spirit. The head center allows the 6th and 7th centers to reorganize. And my sense right now (which will probably change) is that all of the three centers together allows the throat center to reorganize.

The chakras setting the stage for soul center awakenings

It also seems that working with the appropriate chakras can set the stage for an awakening of the soul centers, inviting an awakening of the centers to take place. And, as mentioned above, that this awakening in turn allows the chakras to reorganize within this new context.

The relationship(s) between the hara and the belly center

For instance, Breema or other hara-oriented practices can reorganize the hara chakras (2nd, or 3rd, or as I experience it the three first) allowing a drop into endarkenment, which in turn continues the reorganization of the hara chakras within the new context of endarkenment, of a felt sense of all as Spirit, which in turn deepens and more fully embodies this felt sense of all as Spirit.

There must be many individuals out there who have explored this in far more depth, for instance in the different yogic traditions (maybe especially Taoist yoga) and it seems that Almaas too probably have some insights here (although I haven’t gotten that far in reading his books yet.)

Summary of phone session on three centers

 

I did a phone session again this morning, following the knots and allowing them to unravel, and some themes emerged from all the details…

The three centers

The belly and the head centers showed up similar to before, although the heart center now has a red color. There is the warm fertile blackness of the belly center, allowing the body and emotions to relax and reorganize within a sense of safe nurturing holding. The heart center, warm soft and deeply red. The head center, with its golden light. There is a luminosity at each center, black at the belly, red at the heart, and golden at the head.

The darkness of the belly center first came up as a black pearl at the belly center, which revealed itself as the black pearl of the whole of existence, while also remaining there at the belly center. A little later, a luminous full red appeared in the heart area, then flowing down into the belly and up to the mouth, allowing speech and expression to come from the fullness of the belly and the heart. Then, the black and red co-existed throughout the body, apart from the top of the head which was a luminous gold. Staying with this for a while, the fluid golden light dropped down into the body, into the belly and down the legs, then shifting into the heart, and then to the tongue along with the red and black.

The black and red coexisted throughout the body, as a field, with the golden light softly streaming through it.

Essence and frontal personality

Another theme was the relationship between the frontal personality and the essence, especially as it shows up through the belly and heart centers. I saw how this personality was created in early childhood from a sense of separation, with armor in the form of identities, fears and so on. And how essence allows this personality to soften, reorganize, as it allows the body and emotional level to reorganize.

Surrender

And then the continued theme of surrender. Surrendering any contraction coming up, any identities, fears, hopes. Surrendering anything familiar. Surrendering it to God, Spirit, essence, presence, the soul.

Big Mind, Big Heart, Big Belly

 

If we map the three centers onto the Big Mind framework, we get Big Mind, Big Heart, and then also Big Belly.

The head awakening gives serenity and wisdom, as shown in many traditional Buddha depictions. It is the seeing of all as Spirit.

The heart awakening gives love and compassion for all beings, independent on who they are or what they do, and is reflected in depictions of Avalokitesvara, Kuan Yin, Chenrezig, Kanzeon. It is the loving of all as Spirit.

The belly awakening gives a deep sense of all as Spirit at a physical level, with the whole body and emotions, a deep sense of safety, nurturing and comfort. This profund sense of physical well-being (in the midst of whatever else may be going on) is reflected in Hotei, the big bellied laughing Buddha. It is the feeling of all as Spirit.

In each case, Big refers to that which leaves nothing out. The nondual view embraces and goes beyond all polarities. The open heart is open to all beings without exception, and to all forms no matter their specifics. The belly awakening is an awakening into the fertile darkness that is the ground of all form, the womb of all form in its infinite richness.

The view, love and fertile darkness is the seeing, loving and feeling all as Spirit, as awake emptiness and form, beyond and embracing all polarities.

The three centers and the Big Mind process

 

A few more notes about exploring the three centers through the Big Mind process.

First…

Different forms of embodiment

We can see the three centers as different forms of embodiment.

The head center is seeing it all as Spirit, as awake emptiness and form, absent of I. This human self is just part of that, and Big Mind does not require a functional connection with a human self. Big Mind is grounded in emptiness, seeing all forms as no other than emptiness, and the awakening of the head center allows our view to reorganize within a nondual realization.

The embodiment of Big Mind is to live from seeing all as Spirit.

In the heart center, we move slightly into the realm of I and Other, still within the context of all as Spirit. From here, compassion naturally comes up. Big Heart is about compassion, gratitude, pain, joy, bliss – all of which require a sense of I and Other. These are grounded in subtle energies, and the awakening of the heart center allows our heart to reorganize to all as Spirit, to stay open to all forms Spirit takes.

The embodiment of Big Heart is to live from loving all as Spirit.

The belly center has everything to do with the physical body, of sensing and feeling all as Spirit on a physical and emotional level. It is grounded in the physical body of this human self, allowing every cell of the body and the emotional level to reorganize to all as Spirit.

The awakening of the belly center is to live from feeling all as Spirit.

Exploring the three centers through the Big Mind Process

In the standard version of the BM process, the head and heart centers are explored thorough Big Mind and Big Heart, but the belly center is included only implicitly, if at all.

For each of the centers, we can explore its (a) aspects, flavors and characteristics, (b) how existence appears when filtered through the center, and (c) how to live from it.

Big Mind (a) has formless and form aspects, (b) existence appears as awake emptiness and form, absent of any I, when filtered through the head center, and (c) we live from the head center with detachment, transcending any identification with any particular aspects of Big Mind.

Big Heat (a) has active engaged yang and receptive holding yin aspects, (b) we love all forms as Spirit, and (c) we live from this love of all forms, independent of their particular expressions.

Existence through the belly center (a) is dark, fertile and a ground of form, (b) we feel, in every cell of our body, all as Spirit, and (c) we live from this sense of quiet, deep nurturing blackness, with less or no emotional reactiveness.

We can also explore the difference between how these centers operate within the context of a sense of separation, and within an awakening to all as Spirit.

The view goes from fragmented and dualistic to being informed by a nondual realization. Our heart goes from being partially open and partially closed to being open to all form aspects of Spirit, independent of their characteristics. Our body goes from being tense and rigid to being more relaxed and supple, and our emotions goes from being reactive and fearful to giving a sense of nurturing fullness.

The Big Mind process is already well developed for exploring the two first centers, and it does not seem too difficult to expand it to include more explicitly the belly center.

What happens the body of this human self when all is felt as Spirit? What happens with the emotions? How is it to live from feeling all as Spirit? How is it right now? Allow this human self to marinade within seeing, loving and feeling all as Spirit, and notice what happens to it.

Antaryamin and the three centers

 

From the past, I am familiar with God as the field of awake emptiness and form, always and everywhere. This seems to be Spirit filtered through the head center, showing up in its impersonal, transcendent, yang aspect.

More recently, filtered through the belly center, it showed up as fertile darkness, and also as the alive luminosity, and now as alive luminous blackness. Intimate, deep, fertile, alive, infinitely loving, intelligent, receptive and responsive. Spirit filtered through the belly center, showing up in its personal, embodied, yin aspect.

And what happened last night may have to do with Spirit filtered through the heart center, as alive presence, as an aspect of God awakened and present in the heart region. The experience of it is really of an aspect of God right here, alive, present, right here in the heart region. Responsive, infinitely loving and intelligent. And something to communicate with in a very direct, simple, quiet way. After being with this for a while last night, I mentioned it to my partner, and then realized that this may be the Antaryamin, the indwelling God, mentioned frequently by Bhagavan.

When I first heard him speak about it last fall (in a video interview), I couldn’t quite connect with it. I have been familiar with the impersonal head center awakening of everything as awake emptiness and form. But here, there is no inside or outside, and it is all Spirit, so the term “indwelling God” does not make so much sense.

But what I noticed in my heart region last night is experienced very much as an aspect of God right there, in the heart center, as an indwelling God.

Hara, energetic hole, scoliosis and endarkenment

 

I can’t remember if I have mentioned it here, but I have noticed for some time the relationship between energetic holes, physical problems, psychological tendencies, and now also the three soul centers.

For me, the main one is in the hara.

Since the initial awakening in my teens, I have been aware of an energetic hole in my navel area, specifically located at and near my spine. At the same area, I had a noticeable physical deformity as well, an odd stacking of the vertebrae diagnosed as scoliosis.

At the time, I did a lot of Tai Chi and Chi Gong, both because I wanted more grounding and embodiment, and also to fill up this region.

A couple of years ago, I found Breema which also specifically works with the Hara region, and I have experienced a great deal of fullness, warmth and nurturing in the belly from Breema. Slowly over these couple of years, the energetic hole has filled up, and the spine has reorganized so there is only a slight stacking oddity now (helped along with massage in that area).

With the more recent belly awakening, the endarkenment, there is a sense of a deep luminous velvety blackness and also a new level of nurturing, and a new feeling of everything as Spirit.

This feeling of everything as Spirit, and the reorganizing of the emotional level within the context of all as Spirit, was exactly what was missing in the initial awakening. The head and heart centers were awakened, but not (yet) the belly one. So although I saw, and even loved, all as Spirit, I didn’t feel all as Spirit. The emotions lived their own life, and there was a good deal of turmoil there, partly as a consequence of the intensity of the awakening and its implications.

So there was an energetic hole in the hara region, a physical deformity in the spine at the level just below the navel, and a lack of grounding and emotional turmoil.

This energetic hole then gradually filled in, the physical deformity reduced greatly, and then there was a sudden shift into endarkenment, an early belly awakening into feeling all as Spirit, allowing the emotions to reorganize to all as Spirit, and a new sense of deep nurturing and being held by the velvety luminous blackness.

It is also interesting to note that Hameed Ali (A. H. Almaas) writes about these things in ways very close to my own experiences (although from far more experience and with more precision.)

The closest to immediate experience

 

I realize that many of these terms, such as fertile darkness, luminous blackness, alive luminosity, crystal clear quality, and so on, can be seen as poetic inventions. In a way, they are, but they are also what seems closest to immediate experience.

There is an immediate experience of the fertile smooth rich darkness, the alive luminosity, the luminous blackness, the crystal clear quality, and more. These are the terms that are most close to how each of these appear, when arising in awareness.

They are metaphors, but the closest to experience that we, or at least I, can get. The words themselves come from the thinking mind, but the thinking mind is only of assistance in putting it into words, as close to experience as possible. It has a secondary and minor role. Experience is primary, putting it into words secondary.

Emptiness filtered through head and belly centers

For instance, emptiness, then filtered through the head center, or even thought about in abstract terms, could be called fertile. But it is a stretch. Its empty quality is in the foreground, and the empty quality of all forms are in the foreground. The experience is that forms are emptiness, that they are inseparable. To say that form comes out of emptiness, and emptiness in that way is fertile, is possible, but a stretch from the immediate experience. It is an intellectualization.

But emptiness, when filtered through the belly center, does have a sense of fertility about it. It is black smooth full rich and fertile, and a fertile ground of form. In our immediate experience, it appears as fertile, as brimming with potentiality.

So to call emptiness fertile is more of an intellectualization if filtered through the head center, and an immediate experience when filtered through the belly center.

Three centeres as filters

 

The three centers of head, belly and heart, seem to be filters for experience in several different ways.

Organized in the context of separation

If there is a sense of I, and the many identities added to this sense, they form in the context of separation.

The view is dualistic.

The heart is partly open and partly closed.

The emotions are reactive.

And each center tends to operate somewhat independently of the others.

Organized in the context of all as Spirit

When the centers awaken, they reorganize to all as Spirit.

The view is informed by a nondual realization.

The heart is open independent of the form aspect of Spirit.

The emotions has a sense of fullness, quietness and nurturing.

Each of the centers tends to be aligned and coordinated with the others.

Aspects of Spirit when filtered through the three centers

When the centers awaken, they not only reorganize to all as Spirit, but also filter Spirit in different ways. The centers filter the aspects of Spirit, such as awakeness, emptiness, luminosity and form, as white light is filtered through a prism.

Through the head center, emptiness has a crystal clear quality, as fresh mountain air. And the emptiness aspect of awakeness, luminosity and form is most noticeable.

Through the belly center, emptiness has a quiet, dark, full quality, a fertile full ground of potential. And the infinitely alive, intelligent, loving and receptive quality of awakeness and luminosity is most noticeable.

The head center is more yang, masculine, transcendent, free, detached, emphasizing emptiness.

The belly center is more yin, feminine, immanent, embodied, engaged, emphasizing a dark fertile responsive fullness.

More about the heart center later, when that comes more into the foreground.

Alive luminous blackness

 

Initially separate, now revealed as aspects of the same

It is interesting how the endarkenment and the alive luminosity came up at different times (the endarkenment a few weeks ago, and the alive luminosity only a few days ago), and as initially separate and distinct.

Now, in the dream and in my awake consciousness, they are merged.

There is a sense of a luminous velvety blackness, where the blackness itself is luminous, as black light. And it has the alive intelligence, love and receptivity that I first noticed in the luminosity.

Luminous Night’s Journey

This also reminds me of Hameed Ali’s journal excerpts published under the title A Luminous Night’s Journey. When I read it this summer, I knew he was describing something in the title that was unfamiliar to me, and it seems that this is it. The alive luminous blackness, velvety, intelligent, loving, receptive.

Belly awakening, fertile darkness and alive luminosity

As described earlier, the fertile darkness seems connected with a belly awakening, and of feeling all as Spirit. It allows the emotions to reorganize within the context of all as Spirit, becoming less reactive, and giving a sense of deep quiet nurturing fullness.

The alive luminosity also seems connected with the belly awakening. Where the emptiness aspect of luminosity is revealed in a head centered awakening, the belly awakening seems to reveal the aliveness, intelligence, love and receptivity of the same luminosity. It has more of a sense of fullness to it, and infinitely alive.

Awake emptiness and form, filtered through head and belly awakenings

It seems that the awakening of each of the three centers, of head, belly and heart, each reveal different realms of the same, different facets of Spirit, of awake emptiness and form.

The awake emptiness and form is there, in each case, yet revealing different aspects of itself in each awakening, as light split through a prism.

In the head awakening, the emptiness takes on a crystal clear quality, as clear mountain air, and the luminosity is revealed with this empty crystal clear quality.

And in the belly awakening, the emptiness takes on a velvety smooth fertile black character, while the luminosity takes on an infinitely alive, intelligent, loving, receptive and responsive quality.

Three aspects of composting

 

Looking at composting a little closer, I see that all three centers are involved, much as I have written about earlier in a non-composting context (!)

Something arises, for instance a resistance, which can range from the seed resistance to the field absent of I, to all its many fruits. And it is seen, loved and felt.

It is seen in its form aspect, and as Spirit.

It is loved in its form aspect, and as Spirit.

And it is felt in its form aspect, and as Spirit.

One of the fruits of the seed resistance arises, for instance fear of loosing something. And it is seen, loved, and felt as fear, with its unique texture and flavor, and as Spirit.

There is detachment, from pure witnessing. There is love for it as is. And it is felt into, as is and as Spirit.

This allows it to be held as is, and also to transform in its own way.

It was formed within the context of a sense of separation, and transforms within the context of all as Spirit.

Or we can say that it is composted back into the soil, and its nutrients allows new plants and fruits to emerge in the context of all as Spirit.

Alive luminosity

 

As I described in a previous post, there has been yet another shift, this time into alive luminosity.

It happened during and after the diksha Sunday, and the codes for the three soul centers (visualizing and sounding Hebrew letters at the head, heart and belly, as well as above the head, much as they do it in Tibetan Buddhist practices with the form and sound of certain Tibetan letters.)

Right away, there was a sense of the alive luminosity, everywhere, infinite, and infinitely loving, intelligent, receptive, responsive and personal. It deepened somewhat during the evening, and when I went to bed, it came out more fully, very strongly present everywhere. There was an immense sense of bliss, and of gratitude.

I saw how this alive luminosity is here always and already, and can be communicated with. The words of Jesus, ask and you will be given, suddenly had a new meaning for me. I saw that this must be what I talked about, this immensely alive, loving, intelligent and receptive light, waiting for an invitation from us, a clear intention and a surrender, to transform us at any and all levels of our being.

The head awakening seems to open for seeing all as Spirit, as empty luminosity, as awake emptiness and form. And for me, this empty luminosity has always had a sense of intelligence, love and responsiveness to it, but it has been in the background.

The belly awakening seems to allow for a whole new dimension of this light to reveal itself. As immensely alive, loving, intelligent and responsive. Its emptiness is in the background and its aliveness in the foreground.

So it seems that two aspects of the one luminosity. When filtered through enlightenment, centered in the head, its empty aspect is in the foreground and its aliveness, love and intelligence in the background. When filtered through endarkenment, centered in the belly, its alive, loving, intelligent and responsive aspect is in the foreground, and its emptiness aspect in the background.

In both cases, it is infinite, and it is an aspect of the awake emptiness and form of everything.

I knew that there had to be something like this, even in the midst of the initial awakening, but had never dropped into it like this before. Whole new dimensions of being are opening up, and there is a deepening into it.

This is all written in a second person perspective, as I and Thou, because that is how it appears to me now. But it is of course all aspects of the One I, of Spirit absent of I anywhere and arising as all these forms of itself, exploring itself also through a sense of I and Thou.