Again, a very simple pointer, but that’s OK. It is how it is applied that matter.

I can create the conditions for whatever happens to nurture growth. To go from being a problem to support.

And it is all in how I receive it and relate to it.

I can allow experience as is, with heart. Can I be with what I am experiencing now?

I can notice and inquire into beliefs, to find what is more honest for me than the initial belief.

And I can live from the most juicy turnarounds, and in general live from more integrity.

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From lead to gold. It’s a familiar analogy, but still useful. And it is a slight variation of a familiar theme of this blog, but I’ll still mention it.

When I resist emotions, they become lead. And when I allow them with kindness, they are gold. Resisting emotions, or any experience - such as sensations or images or gestalts such as pain - there is a battle. There is an image of an “I” opposed to the experience as an “it”, and there is a sense of the battle dragging me down. It becomes a weight on me. When I allow experience as is, with kindness, it is revealed as experience. Ephemeral. Insubstantial. I may even notice the quiet joy in experience itself. And there is also a sense of fullness, of coming home.

When I believe a story, it is lead. When I inquire into and clarify it, it is gold. Taking a story as true, it is inevitably at odds with (my stories about) reality, and there is stress, tension, a sense of having to defend the viewpoint of the story, a sense of being right, and all of that is tiring and a weight on me. Inquiring into the belief and finding what is more honest for me, there is relief, receptivity, kindness, perhaps even a measure of wisdom. What appeared as a problem - whether it was the topic of the belief, or the belief itself, is now revealed as a guide and support.

When I take the mental field as substantial and real, it is lead. When I recognize it as what it is, it is revealed as gold. Taking my own world of images as real and substantial, there is stress. I create an imagined world as overlay of the sense fields - sensations, sights, sounds, smell, taste - forget it is imaginary, and get weighed down by it. The images of I, the wider world, and their relationships, appear as real and substantial, and I experience those relationships as precarious, slightly uneasy, and at times tense. When recognized as my own world of images as it happens, the edge goes out of it. Now, it is all recognized as images, interpretations, questions about the world. Innocent. Insubstantial. Ephemeral. They are still very useful for orienting and navigating in the world, but I don’t need to scare myself by them. The images of I, me, the wider world, relationships, and a world beyond these images, are all images. Helpful, and an overlay of images.

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Each state, and any content of experience, is an invitation.

It is an invitation in many different ways.

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When I notice something - an emotion, story, sensation etc. - there is a softening or release of identification with it. I find myself as what notices, and less as what is noticed.

It is very simple, yet with a lot of complexity as well.

For instance, I may notice an emotion - allow it as it is, be with it. Yet, if that emotion is triggered by a story - as they often are - and I don’t notice that story, it means I am still identified with the story.

So whenever I notice an emotion, I can first allow that emotion as it is, with heart and kindness. And when look for the story behind it. Which story do I - somewhere - take as true, which triggers that emotion? Is that story true? What happens when I take it as true? Who am I without it? What is the validity in its reversals?

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Anything can be used as a distraction, a way to escape noticing what we really are - that which already allows experience as it is.

And that includes anything that we label spiritual, such as talks and practices.

I may listen to a spiritual talk while going for a walk or before falling asleep at night, and notice a slight compulsion to do so. A slight resistance to allow experience as it is. Listening to a talk becomes an escape from noticing what is here in experience, including physical pain or certain emotions or images surfacing.

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A common metaphor for how we relate to experience is digestion. 

When a certain experience is digested well, there is some clarity around my stories about it, an allowing of the experience as is and with kindness, and acting with some integrity from what seems most mature, wise and kind in the situation even from a conventional view. 

When it is digested less well, there tends to be a resistance to the experience, a holding onto certain stories about it as true, and acting from less integrity. And in this case, the undigested experience will tend to come up again to be digested more fully.

It may come up when a current situation or event triggers the memory of it. Or when there is receptivity for it, for instance through allowing another experience (this one may come along, hoping to be digested as well), or when we are not able to distract ourselves from it - for instance at night in bed, while on retreat, or in nature for a length of time. 

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Allowing experience, as other practices and activities, has an element of curiosity: what happens if….?

What happens when I resist experience?

What happens if I allow it? What happens if I bring in heart and kindness?

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Another aspect of emotions….

Some emotions are reactive and created by beliefs. They come about through friction between a belief and reality, or more accurately through friction between our stories of what should be and what is or may be. In this case they come with some of the other symptoms of being caught up in beliefs, such as tension, stress, unease, sense of separation, sense of having to protect a viewpoint or identity, sense of precariousness, and more.

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Veils cannot cover up what we are, but they can cover up a recognition of what we are.

Those veils are created from identification with stories and content of experience.

And exploring these veils shows in a simple way how psychology and spirituality is really about the same thing, although sometimes with a different emphasis or a difference in how far we take it.

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My main practice these days is island practice and fear practice.

I notice islands of density, of contraction, identification with viewpoints and images. Then a shift into allowing them as they are, and as if they would never change, and with heart and kindness. And then noticing what they really are. How do they show up in the sense fields? Is it really what it appears to be? Is it solid? Substantial? Lasting? When I bring attention to them, can any label easily be put on it? Is it anything else than awareness itself, awake no-thing appearing as something?

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Hence, you should stop searching for phrases and chasing after words. Take the backward step and turn the light inward. Your body-mind of itself will drop off and your original face will appear.
- Dogen from Enlightenment Unfolds (1999)

What does it mean to take the backward step?

Sitting in the tea house in a Chinese garden yesterday, the words backward step became very much alive for me.

I noticed the symptoms of solidifying a story, taking it as real. I noticed a solidified sense of a separate I, a center located in space, boundaries appearing as real, slight unease, tension, sense of precariousness, a viewpoint to defend, and so on. It was just the beginning movements, but still quite noticeable.

I could see that one option is to enhance, elaborate, support and defend the story, making it appear even more true. This is the forward step and it solidifies the story, and the sense of a separate I, even more.

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I listened to a CSS talk yesterday and a questioner brought up the topic of comfort. By looking at her own choices and actions in daily life, she could see that her main priority is comfort. (We can find our priorities by looking at our actual choices in daily life and where we spend our time and energy.)

Is it an obstacle? Yes, it can be, in all the obvious ways. By seeking comfort we may engage in mindless entertainment instead of practice, distractions instead of allowing experience and inquiring into beliefs, and so on.

But it can also be a gateway, an invitation for inquiry.

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When something happens I don’t have a ready explanation for, it is a good opportunity to see my need-to-know mind.

As usual, it is easier to first see this in others. And right now, I can see it in the scramble to figure out what happened to Air France flight 447 where media and bloggers elaborate on a wide range of theories in the absence of any data.

This desire to know is partly very practical. Knowing what happened can help us prevent similar accidents in the future, and that is good. But when I compulsively spin stories in the absence of data, it points to being caught up in beliefs.

From here, I can work with it in several different ways.

How do I relate to the emotions and experiences that comes up for me around it? Do I resist these? What happens when I resist? Can I instead be with these emotions and experiences? Can I allow it, as it is, as if it would never change, with kindness and heart?

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A few things I notice about emotions and energy….

There is a great deal of energy in emotions, including the ones that initially may appear less energetic. 

When emotions are made into “other”, the energy in them appears as “other” as well. And this otherness can take a few different forms. 

I try to push away an emotion, and it may appear to push back. I push, it doesn’t go away, so it appears to push back and intrude when I least want it.

I may habitually push away a particular emotion and exclude it from my conscious identity, so its energy is habitually locked away as well. (This may lead to an experience of fatigue.) 

I try to hold onto an emotion, and its energy is used in a slightly manic or compulsive way. 

Or I may allow the emotion as is, in a heartfelt way and with kindness, and find that its energy is available in a more relaxed way. 

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I just watched episode eight of NRK’s Vendepunkt (Turning Point), a TV series about quality of life. It is hosted by a psychologist (a particularly wise one), and the topics are exemplified through interviews with people who made a choice of leaving a stressful life for a simpler and more rewarding and deeply satisfying one. It is well worth watching if you understand Norwegian….!

Inner peace was mentioned several times. What does it mean? 

It can be a state, found through being in nature, connecting with good friends, through meditation and so on. But as any state it is precarious. At any moment, something can shift it into a different state. It doesn’t last. I may try to hold onto the peaceful state and push away incompatible states, but right away, I find that this activity in itself disturbs the peace.  This form of peace is ephemeral. 

There is also a different form of inner peache, one that is found through simply allowing experience, as it is. As if it would never change. Wholehearted. With kindness. Independent of the content of experience. (And if I find I can’t allow a particular experience, I can allow that as it is.) 

When I am caught up in holding onto or pushing away experiences, there is stress and a sense of being off balance. And when I find myself as that which allows experience - as it is, independent of its content, and including the impulses to hold onto and push away experience - there is a different peace. One that is independent of states. 

Here, there is stillness, even in the midst of a great deal of activity. 

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Knots happen whenever a story is taken as true, and they include the effects of taking a story as true such as reactive emotions, and also whatever actions come out of both.

Knots tighten when I fuel stories as true, and also resist experience and take it as “other”.

And knots loosen when there is receptivity, curiosity and allowing experience as is. When there is a shift into don’t know. Curiosity about the stories and the truth in their reversals. And allowing experience as is, with heart and kindness.

Whenever any story is taken as true, it creates a sense of a separate I and creates this core knot. And at the same time, these stories flesh out the viewpoints and identities of this separate I.

So taking any story as true tightens the core knot of taking a separate I as true. Meeting it with an attitude of receptivity, curiosity and kindness makes it possible for it to loosen. And inquiring into it to find what is more true for me may untie the knot entirely, to the point where it cannot so easily form again.

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I am visiting back at Kanzeon in Salt Lake City. The center seems different each time I visit. This time, they have several large buildings, as before, but many more people. I arrive during lunch, and there must be more than a hundred people there eating together. Some outside, as me, and some inside in the buildings around. The meal is fresh, nourishing and made with care. It is a very diverse group, including many homeless or others who cannot afford regular and healthy meals, and who may also be hungry for the type of connection found here.

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How are beliefs and reactive emotions connected?

It seems that it all starts with a belief.

There is identification with the story being a separate I, and then a me with a fleshed out and particular identity.

All this creates a series of shoulds. I should stay alive. My life should be supported. I should be or remain this and not that.

And when my stories of what is and what should be clashes, reactive emotions come up.

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It is a daily experience, and sometimes we even notice it!

Resistance creates the appearance of what is resisted. (Or as someone said, what we resist persist.)

When I resist pain, the resistance to pain creates the appearance of pain. It appears more clearly as pain. It seems more solid and real. It tends to stay around longer.

When I resist laughter, the resistance to laughter makes it stronger. It shows up more clearly as an impulse to laugh. It seems more substantial. It stays around, wanting to break through.

And the same with whatever else I may resist. Discomfort. Joy. Anger. Sadness. Grief. Bliss.

The important thing here is just to notice the dynamic. When I resist something, that very resistance creates the appearance of what I resist.

And when I allow experience, as it is, as if it would never change, it shifts. Content of experience becomes something I cannot easily put a label on, even if I try. It seems more ephemeral and insubstantial, maybe even noticed as awakeness itself. There is a sense of opening in all directions. Of not being located anywhere in particular in space. There is often a sense of a nurturing fullness flavored with compassion or kindness since allowing experience itself is an act of compassion and kindness.

The allowing has to be genuine, of course. It has to include all content of experience, as it is, as if it would never change. Using allowing as a tool for something to change is another form of resistance, and that one too can be allowed as it is. Allowing is a funnel that everything can be thrown into.

So what happens? At this level, it is sufficient to notice and become familiar with the general dynamics of resistance and allowing in daily life. But it can also be interesting and helpful to explore it a little further.

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I am in charge of inviting people to a New Years party. As the party is about to start, I see a homeless man there, apparently inviting himself. Even for a homeless man, he seems to be at the bottom of the heap. I ignore him, hoping he will go away on his own, and mentally prepare to do what is needed to have him leave. A woman welcomes him wholeheartedly and without reservation. I am surprised by how she is so unreserved in welcoming him, and even more surprised when I realize that he is fully awakened and lives it with a great deal of life experience and wisdom. Far more than just about anyone else I am aware of. Other homeless people show up, and are now welcomed wholeheartedly as well, by me and others there.

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More of the same here… I keep noticing differences between allowing and resisting experience, and this is one of the simplest ones. 

When I allow any experience, there is a shift into a sense of nurturing fullness, an open heart, receptivity, humility, gratitude and a sense of reconciling - or finding gratitude for - the experience. 

When I resist any experience, there is a sense of rigidity, a closed or ambivalent heart, something to protect, separation, and being overwhelmed. 

And this seems to happen independent of the content of experience. 

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Here (again) is my main practice these days…

I notice when I get caught up in beliefs and emotional attachments. (Sense of Tension. Stress. Resisting experience. Separation. An identity, position or (other) story to protect.)

Where in my body do I feel it? What are the sensations?

Can I meet and welcome these sensations? Be with them?

Is there a fear behind the belief/emotional attachment?

Where in my body is it? What does it feel like?

Can I meet and welcome this fear? Can I be with it?

What do I notice?

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Another exploration I find interesting right now…

Notice a belief. A story that seems true. A fixed position. An emotional attachment.

What is the experience of that belief?

Where do I find it in the body? What are the sensations?

Quietly meet those sensations. Welcome them as they are. Allow them to be here, with a friendly interest and curiosity.

Is there a fear behind the belief or emotional attachment?

If so, quietly meet that fear. Welcome it as it is. Allow it to be here with a gentle interest and curiosity.

What happens to the impulse to create a belief or go into an emotional attachment? Does it stay? Fade? Fall Away? Whatever happens is OK. Just notice and stay with that too.

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I am enjoying a simple exploration these days…

Notice a sense of a doer - in whatever form it takes here now. (Observer, thinker, chooser, explorer.)

Where is it in the body? What are the sensations?

Quietly meet the sensations. Welcome them as they are. Stay with it. Explore with a gentle curiosity. Friendly interest. An appreciation for these dynamics as they are, and the mystery behind it. The beauty of it.

Notice if it shifts. Then stay with that.

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A couple of weeks ago, I set the intention for whatever has not been seen/felt/loved yet to surface. (Knots, beliefs, emotional attachments.) Whenever I do so, I get a few weeks of amazing intensity - usually involved many nights with hardly any sleep.

It is good. And I also see the intelligence inherent in the process. It backs off a little when daily life requires my attention, and turns up the volume when space opens up - mostly at night! And if I ask for the volume to be turned down for a few days, that happens as well.

It is a beautiful process, although certainly not always pleasant. Even in the midst of recognizing all as awakeness itself, as the play of the infinite, there is a great deal of intensity and sometimes contraction. As always, to the extent it is resisted - and that happens at times, it is uncomfortable.

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But you, son of man, listen to what I say to you. Do not rebel like that rebellious house; open your mouth and eat what I give you.”

Then I looked, and I saw a hand stretched out to me. In it was a scroll, which he unrolled before me. On both sides of it were written words of lament and mourning and woe.

And he said to me, “Son of man, eat what is before you, eat this scroll; then go and speak to the house of Israel.” So I opened my mouth, and he gave me the scroll to eat.

Then he said to me, “Son of man, eat this scroll I am giving you and fill your stomach with it.” So I ate it, and it tasted as sweet as honey in my mouth.

Ezekiel 2:8 - 3:2

Bible verses can of course be interpreted to (appear to) support just about any point. For me, reading these verses in isolation, I see a beautiful description of what happens when we “eat” our lament and mourning and woe.

I start out rebellious. I argue against reality. I resist experience. I want things to be different from what they are. (According to my story of it.)

I am invited to eat my lament and mourning and woe. (Meet it. Be with it. Feel it. Welcome it.)

And when I do, I find - to my surprise - that it tastes as sweet as honey in my mouth.

I find that it is not what it appeared to be when I resisted it. It appeared horrifying as long as I resisted meeting, feeling and welcoming it. But when I do, there is a sweetness, comfort, receptivity and nurturing fullness there.

A simple way of combining allowing experience and a felt-sense inquiry:

What am I experiencing now? (Feel it instead of going to a story.)

Where do I feel it in the body?

Can I meet the feeling? Welcome it, as it is? (Take some time here.)

Are there any images or stories associated with it?

Can I find a belief? (A belief about what I am experiencing, or triggering it.)

Is it true? (Feel what happens when the questions is asked. Allow the question to sink in. No need to look for an answer within thought.)

What I find - right now at least - when I ask is it true? is a felt-sense of not knowing. Spaciousness. Open in all directions. Curiosity. Nothing to protect. No fixed positions.

By doing The Work, it is often quite clear how any belief - any attachment to a story as true - comes from fear. It comes from fear, and fuels fear. And is really just another expression of (confused) love.

Right now, exploring meeting experience with a focus on how it feels in the body, I find something quite similar. Behind the body-sense feeling of a belief and emotional attachment is the feeling of fear. A low grade fear in the background, which - when resisted - moves into becoming a belief and an emotional attachment. It is a protection. A way to feel safe. And a way to avoid feeling and welcoming the fear.

When this fear is felt and welcomed, there is a sense of quiet release. Spaciousness. No need or impulse to move into beliefs and emotional attachments.

And it is all happening within feeling, which helps it sink into the body and make it “real” at that level.

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When there is an awakening - either as a stable and clear Ground awakening or just a glimpse or thinner veils - it wants to go everywhere in our human life.

To put it another way: within this context of awakening, anything that is not aligned with awakening sticks out like a sore thumb and attention is drawn to it.

There is an invitation to be with and welcome any experience, to see/feel/love it as it is within form, and as emptiness itself. And there is an invitation to inquire into any story and see its limited truth within the context of stories, and that too as awakeness itself.

And as usual, to the extent this is resisted there is discomfort.

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I find it fascinating to explore the different flavors of allowing experience: Shifting into Big Mind or headlessness. Choiceless awareness. Asking myself can I be with what I am experiencing right now? Shifting into gently and quietly meeting experience as it is. Bringing in a sense of kindness and the heart. And so on.

When I shift into allowing experience, I see, feel and love it as it is, for its sake. And the emphasis on each shifts between and within each form of allowing.

In Big Mind, headlessness and choiceless awareness, it seems that the seeing of experience is in the foreground, with feeling it anywhere between background to foreground, and the possibility of loving it is there are well - coming and going.

When I intentionally bring in the heart, the love for experience as it is comes into the foreground.

And there is also a way of being with experience where the felt sense is in the foreground. The sensations are invited in center stage, and welcomed there as they are.

Each one has its own flavor, and each one can be a helpful and valuable exploration. What happens when experience is resisted? What happens when it is allowed and welcomed? What happens when the seeing of it is in the foreground? The felt sense? Love and kindness?

In each case, a shift from (being caught up in) resistance to allowing is a shift from a sense of separation to that field which holds it all. When the felt sense is brought in, I “get it” with the body. I feel the difference. When love comes in, there is a sense of appreciation and gratitude for experience, as it is and for its sake.

And in terms of healing and maturing as who I am, this human self, that seems to be invited in when the felt sense and kindness is in the foreground.