A nice 12 minute recording from Barry: Asking the Big Questions.
Things will continue to fall apart until the death is complete. All this is taking to you to a place where there is absolute freedom, where the personal self sense has dissolved. That doesn’t mean you can’t ask for help to get the basic human needs met. That is all part of love and truth. [….]
When this happened to me all I could do was pray to God to receive the gifts of this pain and suffering and see it as God’s grace and path to Christ. It is hard, but it is the truth and the way through…Surrender, surrender, surrender, throw yourself body, mind, soul, spirit into God’s hands. Remember Christ’s last words on the cross..”Father, into your hands I commend my spirit!” Love, Barry
– Barry, in an email to me.
I have gone through a period where things seem to fall apart, often in amazing ways and (largely) outside of my control. It’s happened especially strongly the last 2-3 years, although it started earlier. It’s part of the dark night of the soul that I seem to go through.
These days, I notice a deeper rage and anger towards life, God, and perhaps – from my younger self – towards my parents. It’s probably an anger that has accumulated over a long time, and it feels very much like the rebellious and desperate tantrum of a child. It seems to be a hopeless, desperate anger. There are also thoughts such as: I didn’t ask for this. I refuse to be “taught lessons” in this way. I refuse to mature and find clarity if it’s going to happen through these situations.
In the end, all that is not who you are will die, because it is not real anyhow. You can assist this process by not feeding the negative thoughts and ego, but even if you do, sooner or later it will all run out of steam. It actually takes a lot more energy to keep it all going, though we are unware of it. One day you will burn through despondency, etc.
Yes, you have been dismantled down to the child level and are now slowly being put back together. It is taking a long time because it is an organic process like growing a plant. Only that which does not serve gets dimantled, ie that which you cling to as desirable as part of the self image that isn’t real. I’m sure it goes back through many lifetimes because the pattern is so strong. However long it takes.
What do you really know about what you life should look like etc? What do you know about the future? What is left but the emptiness of the mystery. All that is painful is the images that we cling to. Everyone does it, so you are not doing it wrong. As you let go of these pictures, images and identities you will find the peace you seek. Love, b
– Barry, in an email to me
The bottom of things is always the hardest. The insanity of the separate ego mind is incessant before it dissolves away. At this part in my journey all that was left was to throw myself, mind, body, soul and spirit into God’s/Christ’s hands. I gave ever breath, each heart beat up. I disavowed any doing on my own and to wait even unto death until I was prompted what to do next. That kind of radical surrender is almost always the only way through.
There is no future for any of us…What we conceive of as our future is only mental images projected into the screen of the infinite Now. If you closely observe, it is only when the mind is doing that that there is suffering. Their may be pain, discomfort in the present, but there can be no suffering, which only occurs when we are not fully here, with our experience.
I would continually give my life to the Divine and be fully present to your experience not trying to do anything but experience it with an open, available mind as we did in our session work. If you truly give your life to God, you no longer are at the controls. Easier said than done, but the truth path of the Christ. Love, B
– Barry, in an email to me
Barry and Karen – my friends and mentors – have a new website: Birthing the Luminous Self.
I especially resonate with their section on Enlifenment, awakening of the belly soul center, as that seems to have been the focus of my process for a while now.
In our spiritual quest, we may have become so fixated on enlightenment as the ultimate goal that we pursued this lofty state at the expense of our humanness. Years into the journey, we may receive a wake-up call — in the form of illness or other imbalance — that lets us know we’ve left our human selves lying in the dust, forgotten in the rush toward our image of the ultimate spiritual accomplishment. The degree to which we’ve pursued enlightenment through severely structured, “disembodied” spiritual practices and disciplines may turn out to directly correspond to our need to surrender to the complemetary aspect of wholeness, endarkenment.
Endarkenment asks us to drop down, to sink into the depths of being, to surrender all striving to remain “above it all.” This can take the form of a “dark night of the soul”, as St. John of the Cross termed the experience of finding that even one’s most cherished spiritual ideals and truths suddenly seem empty, devoid of meaning or substance. We may feel shattered, taken apart; with our carefully-constructed edifice dismantled, we suddenly seem utterly confused, clueless, and lost.
Much has been written about the Dark Night experience, so we won’t go into it too deeply here. Suffice it to say that all that we have been avoiding typically comes flooding into our consciousness and experience. We can no longer evade or rise above it — now, our task is to accept, allow, and acknowledge every last bit of it. Eventually, through Grace, we find we can even love it all. As a loving embrace replaces hatred, resistance, and denial, the intensity recedes and we are carried into the next phase of our journey.
One has to define awakening. If it is the head soul center alone… often minimal disruption, heart much deeper, more cathartic… including the belly – total death and rebirth… The full realization as Christ did includes all three centers and results in illumination of the translation of the body as in light body. May not make it before body dies, but that’s where it goes. New species… love, b
– Barry, in an email to me
This fits my experience. My initial awakening was of the head center, and although it was intense it also fueled my life and activities. Shortly after, it went to the heart center and there was a deeper transformation. And now, several years later, it seems to go to the belly center, and it involves a dark night of the soul and a good deal of upheavals in my life – internally and externally.
Here is a brief way of talking about it: Head center awakening = seeing all as God. (Reorganization of view, setting aside or seeing through what prevents seeing as all God.) Heart center awakening = recognize God as love, and all as love, and love all as God. (Setting aside or seeing through what prevents loving all as God.) Belly center awakening = feeling all as love/God. (Setting aside or seeing through what prevents feeling all as God.) Each one is ongoing, there is a continuing clarification, opening and deepening.
Here is my initial question to him:
It seems that for some, there is an awakening without much drama. And for others, such as both of us, the process has a major and visible impact on our lives. Do you have a sense of why there is such a difference? Is it a combination of how much needs to be cleaned out and how deep the awakening wants to go? So, for instance, if there is more childhood trauma, it’s harder. And if the awakening wants to go deeper, in my case into the belly center, it’s also experienced as harder? Do you have a sense of what’s going on in my case?
I empathize with the extreme and chronic vulnerability you have had to endure, as I have experienced it myself. While the deeksha certainly seems to have been a factor in the brain issues I’m starting to feel there may be a deeper plan at work. The old mind and it’s physical foundation in the brain need to be completely transformed to take the next step as a species. You are one of the first to make this transition. The old brain of the “world mind” is adapted to a consciousness of separation and egoism. This has to go. It leaves one dangling over the cliff when it comes to functioning in the world. There is one way and you are doing it. One must let go of the ego mind and trust 100% of receiving the guidance and support from above. There is no other way. All the outer support forms from the physical world will be taken away as part of the process. I know how difficult this is. What always happens is that mysteriously, magically you are provided for in ways unseen and unpredicated. One must walk the pathless path of the mystery with total faith and trust. You are doing it. Keep on keeping on and love and bless your brain as it is. It is birthing the new Christed mind. Love, B
– from Barry, in a recent email to me
I see many layers to how I received this. The first response is to deeply appreciate the support, empathy and encouragement in it. I also see that these are stories, and “unfindable” in the Living Inquiry sense. What I am left with is the very practical and helpful suggestion to bless and love my brain (and mind) as it is. That’s something that feels good and right.
The thoughts and feelings of overwhelm, helplessness, powerlessness are a relative experience masking the deeper truth of who you are. Breathe, feel them and try not to give them power, make them real, identify with them. Then come back to center and move from there even if it is only doing the dishes, or taking a walk. It’s all about re-creating yourself from a soul level of being.
– Barry in an email, slightly edited
Remember the real support is not from a human being but from God. God may provide a human being as a means but not the Source. This is about walking through fear into faith and the mystery. It is the ONLY way to get free and deepen your communion with the Divine. You know what you have to do when those sweet moments are present with no fear. Listen to those and when the fear thoughts come, don’t give them power. Remember where they are coming from. Love, b
– Barry, in an email to me
During the recent “dark night” deep, primal survival fears have surfaced. And since it’s combined with chronic fatigue, a sense of dependency and neediness has surfaced.
All of it surfaces to be seen, felt and loved, and recognized as love. It’s worried love. It’s what happens when the love we are is filtered through temporary identifications.
We all have our part in this great story…yours has been very intense as has been mine. Karen had great intensity early and nothing lately. I watched her go through the same process of the dark night of the soul in a few days that took me years to get through.??? We can seek and find theories and reasons and they are helpful and consoling, and in the end it is the great Mystery of God, of which we are a part.What is important is for you to come to peace and understanding in YOUR story. Asking these questions is the start. They will be answered. The way it was all revealed to me is that I learned to have faith and then knowing that all questions of the heart and soul are immediately responded to in the One Mind. It is only a matter of insight in the realms of time and space for each of us in our human projection to receive the answer. This too is all in divine timing and perfect. In fact you already know the answer but are simply waiting for the moment in the story that you long ago created and is already over in the eternal to come to you in this experience of time and space. We are God floating in God exploring possibilities just for the sake of the experience, like a child playing in a sandbox. Yours is one strand, or thread in this great Story, a small line or sentence within it, yet critical, integral to the Big Story. You had to do it, to play this role or the universe would not be complete…. We all came here to explore separation, fear, doubt, pain and suffering. It was all part of God’s experience as the individuated aspect or Soul that we are…..When God as us is done with exploring this experience it simply ends and a new story begins. Your story is ending…Enjoy the last moments of pain, fear and separation, for when they go they shall never be known again for you in all eternity…. Love, b– from Barry, in an email to me
I don’t think it is going to be a good idea to do what anyone else says, even a psychic friend. What got you into this is that you stopped listening to Source and lived from fear and your own will.Yes, all that is happening is God’s will. Your part is whether you listen and act from love and oneness with God’s will or from fear and separation. If you truly ask for God’s will to be known and done, the divine will get through to you no matter what if you are willing to feel the fear, doubt, uncertainty and wait until you receive the Knowing from the divine. It is about giving yourself, mind, body, soul to God. Remember Jesus two edicts when asked how to achieve union. Love God with all your heart and soul, and love your neighbor as yourself/and yourself. If you love God with all your heart and soul there is nothing you want more than to do God’s will. When we realize that every time we act from personal ego/will we cause suffering and dis-ease and ultimately death to ourselves and all life it is pretty easy to turn fully in surrender to God. Consider these things…– Barry, in an email to me
For the first two thirds of my twenties, I had a clear inner guidance and I followed it most of the time. As I followed it, it became more clear to me. And there was a sense of being guided with love and care, and a deep sense of rightness and alignment. Things fell into place in my life.
Then, I went against my guidance and moved to Wisconsin. I did it because of a relationship, and really because of fears and beliefs about it. I was willing to sacrifice following my guidance in order to avoid what I was afraid of (being alone was one of those). This was the beginning of what can be labelled a dark night of the soul, where things felt off track internally and in my life in general.
Now, the invitation is to follow my inner guidance again, and take a closer look at the fears and beliefs I sometimes use to stop myself from doing so.
I see that God’s will is what is, and one way to align with God’s will is to question my thoughts saying what is is not right. Another way to align with God’s will is to question the thoughts I use to stop myself from following my guidance.
I know how difficult it is to feel so lost about what to do. I have gone through periods like this. What came out of the dark night was a deep knowing that a beneficent, loving, omnipotent beingness was at work in my life whether I was aware of it or not. Out of this has come a faith and trust that could not have been developed any other way. More important than specific outcomes is the process you are in. It is the fire in which you are being alchemically turned into gold. I know it isn’t easy, but I have never seen any other way for people to birth their true, divine nature…Keep surrendering it all to God and letting go. This is how one finds the way through the eye of the needle. Love, Barry
Some ways to ease the process:
Asking God to close door that needs to be closed, and open door that needs to be opened. And noticing it’s already that way.
Let Your will be done. And noticing it’s already so.
Notice and inquire into beliefs (fears) about what may happen, about closing doors and opening doors, and fears of giving it all to the divine.
Being a good steward of my life. Asking for support in living with integrity, following my heart and guidance.
Holding satsang with what’s here – emotions, fears, beliefs, physical sensations, images of the past and future, images of people in my life.
All those fears are about an imagined future. Right now it is OK, and has been OK. Look back. All along you have been afraid for the future and thus fearful and unhappy in the moment. It’s what the ego mind does.
– Barry, in an email to me
There is the hologram that you have been identified with that spins and spins…then there is reality beyond that…the two are mutually exclusive…you asked for Self Realization…God takes over…what is yours is yours..Surrender to the mystery….love,b
A reminder from Barry
It often looks the very hardest before you break through. Just remember that when the chick wants to get out of the egg, it must peck it’s way out. Same with the butterfly out of the chrysalis. It must work and wrestle against the containment. Birth on this level requires effort. It is how our fledgling corporal ego develops. There is a time to press against things. Now is the time. You know what to do. Sometimes you just have to go look in the mirror and say to your self that you do and your going to do it. Years ago I heard this inside at a time like you’re in. “I AM, I can”. Then I realized that the “I AM” the Self/God within me is doing this and is omnipotent. You know what to do. Remember that the ego self is grasping to stay in control at these last moments. It will dissolve but it puts up its last fight first. It desperately wants to keep you asleep believing you are powerless and victimized. Remember, remember, this is the story. This is the great illusion.
– Barry in an email to me
Big picture, you are still going through dissolution even while you are integrating the consciousness of Self. There are certain identities/patterns that aren’t resolved. You are moving ahead in what matters. You seem stuck in certain human identity patterns that what are resisting dissolution. Remember what you are facing is your core “story”, the hologram that you ego is desperately attempting to keep alive to stay alive. It wants to keep you in the circular pattern of worry, fear, struggle against, which all feeds it. In the end it must all be surrendered, given over into the fathomless mystery of God. If you fully give it over it will resolve. If you continue to give it energy, invest worry, fear, struggle into it, it will persist. There’s an old song from the sixties by Janis Joplin that has a great line. “Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose”. Consider this deeply. What is yours at a soul level is yours. Do you really know what is in your best interest? Do you know what is next? Idealized images of what will make us happy, complete, full are the flip side of the coin of the demonized images of what we fear most. Both are the currency of the separate ego self sense. Consider this… How free do you want to be? Are you ready to completely give it all up, to die? Love, Barry
From an email to me from Barry.
A brief summary of the most recent session with Barry:
Topics: A pull towards tragedy and drama, a pull towards self-destruction, has been brought more into awareness lately.
Belief: You will never have a good life. Nothing you can do will change it. You will not get what you want.
B: You have to go to the darkest places in human consciousness, cosmic evil, in order to walk in Christ consciousness on this earth. Once you can penetrate it, will open it up for everyone else.
B: Ask what you need to see about this. What is it about? What is it’s nature?
Me: (a) A point in the heart. Then whole heart, black heart. (b) This pull towards tragedy/drama/self-destruction is necessarily to create this whole illusion of a world, beings, separation, a key to make it happen. It’s a natural/inevitable consequence of mind taking images and thoughts as true. (c) Comes from hurt, incarnation, disappointment, victim, loss, wound, bitterness. Loss of what was most valuable to me, most beautiful. (A loss of this in the incarnation.) (d) Inviting Christ into it, the darkest and densest areas. See what’s there. It’s illuminated by a dark light (feminine aspect of Christ). (e) Throat, contraction, cut off communication. Calves, tight, cold, cut off grounding. Pressure on head. (f) Very self-enclosed, wrapped in on itself, disconnected, unaware of the wider world/reality. It depends on isolation from the rest of the psyche, rest of the world, reality. (g) My attitude towards it makes it cut off. See it as wrong, bad, fear it. This attitude holds it in place.
B: Is it time for it to evolve? (Yes, gently.) How is it when seen from beyond the dualistic view? How would Christ see it? (As itself, as just a small dark place cut off from the rest.) What happens if it’s embraced as part of life, creation? (Relief. Trust.)
B: It’s the essence of the dark feminine.
Brief summary of parts of tonight’s session with Barry:
A sense of numbness, paralyzed, especially around relationships.
Behind that, sadness. (Staying with the sadness, there is a sense it was transmitted to me through my parents.)
Behind that, images from childhood. The young me felt isolated, didn’t feel completely at home, felt that something was missing and didn’t quite know what.
From Christ level, reaching out, enveloping him, touching his heart.
He becomes the Christ child, relating to others at the soul level, as souls (whether they are aware of themselves as that or not). It’s beautiful.
Also, a sense that this needs to reach back through all incarnations and into all future incarnations. Enveloped by Christ, heart touched by Christ, infused by Christ.
We ended with bringing in the new level of grace, enveloping me/us completely, working at a cellular level. (May write about more another time.)
A few things going on now, much of it – I suspect – related to my sessions with Barry.
A sense that identified mind (ancient mind, confused mind) and non-identified mind (clear mind) are the same. It’s as if the images held in my mind of the two being somehow separate are falling away. They are revealed as the same, as they are, of course. It’s one mind, and it can appear as identified (confused) and non-identified (clear) at the same time. Specifically, it appears as old wounds (beliefs, fears) surfacing at an emotional and physical level, coexisting with clear mind, and – when remembered – met with love and clarity, held in love and clarity, and with love and clarity inside of it.
There is a sense of heart surgery happening, with a quite physical soreness and achiness in the heart area. Old wounds, emotions, regrets etc. also surface. (These are not really old, they are created right here now.)
I have had periods of very strong (and inexplicable) nausea, perhaps related to something happening (releasing? working itself out?) in the belly and solar plexus area.
A few weeks now:
A sense that Christ (the divine, the light of Christ) is within and inside of all of me, including the darkest (most unresolved, most contracted) areas of the psyche. There is also a sense that the love and intelligence of this light of Christ is at work there.
An experience of Christ – the light of Christ, presence of Christ – in a more yin way, as very soft, deep relaxation, holding. During the initial phase of the awakening process, Christ was experienced as more fiery (filtered through head and heart centers). Now, it appears slightly different, as velvety soft (filtered through the belly center?).
In general, love is brought to whatever is here, when remembered, including – and perhaps especially – any resistance, fear etc. surfacing. I notice that behind the heart ache is sadness, grief and regrets, and I also notice a part of me seeking to go into blame, accusations and victimhood to protect me from feeling, experiencing and meeting that sadness. And that too can be met with love. It’s innocent, it’s there to protect me, and it’s love. Seeing that, it feels natural to meet it with love. When remembered….!
I can’t have what I want.
If I try changing it, it will get worse.
It can’t change.
I have been in bed for a week with the flu, and some deep layers of hopelessness and despair surfaced. Behind this are the beliefs above.
I can’t have what I want.
I see that belief in my parents, especially playing itself out in their relationship. And I see it in my own life, and how I have lived it in my own life – missing out of the relationship opportunities I wanted the most, leaving the Zen center, and more, repeatedly losing or missing out of what I want the most, what feels the most right, what felt the most “on track” and aligned with my heart.
As Barry said, this layer in me feels thick and sticky, as a trance, and it’s good to notice the tendency in me to go back into it, because it’s familiar. It’s an identity, it feels like who I am, how it is, how my life is.
Is it true? Is it absolutely true?
How do I live my life with that belief?
How would my life be without it?
And ask for help, pray, ask for God to shine light on it, for it to transmute completely.
I also notice fear around this, a deep fear. It won’t change. It’s hopeless. I’ll be stuck in it forever.
And I invite the divine to shine it’s light on that too, for that too to transmute and resurrect.
Notes from my session with Barry last night:
p: some things that’s come to me the last few days
(a)(i) idealized images of people and places from my early twenties, during the initial phase of the awakening, painful to hold onto these, now more disillusioned in a good way, let go of and be open for what’s here, also (ii) idealized image of awakening from the early phase of the awakening (held onto at emotional level, conscious view was different), bells & whistles, images made up of a mix of ground/Spirit awake to itself + specifics of what happened in content of experience, now what’s here as it is, relaxing into what’s here
(b) images of Christ/the divine formed during the same time which don’t seem to fit anymore (head, heart centers w/out belly center), now they need to include the softness of the belly center, the deep restfulness of coming home, of reality coming home to itself, silence meeting itself
(c) the part of my mind/brain that hasn’t quite “clicked in” yet in recovering from cf all fit what’s called executive functions and may be related to the same brain area(s)
b: (invites me to visualize connection from my heart down to center of earth, center of galaxy, origin of matter, then heart up, ask to be led, be shown what i need to see)
I did a session with Barry last week, where we invited in the presence of Christ, resurrection etc.
Here is a brief recap of some of the highlights:
I notice something descending on me, enveloping me. It’s an experience of being held. What’s enveloping me is white, soft, gentle, loving, silent, creative, intelligent.
I notice it seeping through me, suffusing me, my body and mind becomes this soft, gentle, loving presence.
There is a large golden ball of light beneath me. It ascends, up to my arms, then enveloping me.
There is a shower, as if a shower of golden sparks on me and through me.
Barry experienced the same at the same time as I did throughout this session. He asked, and was told this is the first mantle of Christ, described on page 51 in the e-version of his book We Are the Awakening Christ. This is where Christ takes us on and commits to bring us home. The second mantle is where we commit our lives to Christ, all of it without exceptions (I am not quite there yet, during this turn of the spiral).
Since that session, I have experienced this soft, gentle, white – or light golden – presence of Christ through and in me, in my heart area, and I have stayed with the flame in the chest and brought anything that comes up – resistance, fear, hesitation, wounds etc. – to it, knowing the flame knows what’s needed for it to resolve.
b: something we haven’t done, go into the subconscious, meet the different selves, subpersonalities, and find out their stories, they try as best as they can, and love is behind it, they realize that what they are doing is not the most helpful thing, then ask if they would like to be integrated, be part of the soul again, some part of the psyche that didn’t get developed got split off, distorted and warped, didn’t get the chance to develop into their intended soul function, reintegrate into the soul, become what they were supposed to be, their originally intended nature,
Notes from a recent session with Barry:
b: experience lack of mental clarity, confusion, age regression, when gets back to pre-verbal states, the whole mind goes back to pre-verbal states, it just needs love, safety, all the things it didn’t get then, then it can heal and redevelop, it was very helpful for me to see at the time when i went through it, the more developed parts of my mind knew things that transcended where i was having to go, then realized it doesn’t apply, got to go where that mind is
Notes from a recent session with Barry:
b: reestablishing re-connection
Quite a while ago, everything was revealed as love including anything human such as confusion, fear, anger and despair,
I saw it as a love, in a general way, and in some more specific ways.
And there is a draw to see this in more detail, in a more finely grained way. To feel it as love. Love it as love.
I can see it as love through different forms on inquiry, such as The Work, the Big Mind process, and exploring the sense fields. I find how it’s love in a human and conventional sense, I find how love is behind it, that it’s confused love. And I find it as love, as Spirit.
And through that, doing inquiry as meditation, staying with it, living it, there is an invitation to feel it. And through that, to love it as it is, as love.
This is where my recent session with Barry went. And there was a sense of something itself out in my lower belly, in the tan tien area. A knot of primal confusion, fear, anger, recognized as love, at a felt and bodily level.
Notes from a session with Barry this evening:
B: It’s about giving up all hope. It’s a radical place. There are no marker for it in the known world. When the psychic death occurs, it’s a progression, years after that it goes even deeper. When the self that strives to retain identity finally gave up, that’s when I went up to the lookout, the world has no attraction for me anymore. Even beyond that, when spirit descended further, a continual breaking down even the physical ego, intense pain, crucifixion, heart stopped, breathing stopped. That’s how radical it is, wholly beyond this world, nothing is left. When there is no identification left, it doesn’t matter. Can die any moment. You are burning through deeper and deeper layers of unconscious identity inherent in this collective mind-field. Have you read The Mother’s work? She worked on going into the programmed unconscious, the physical organic matter, to enlighten the body. Some of us are on that frontier. It’s really difficult to leave behind even what we think is good about human life. Even what we think is good about human life goes. What’s left is long period of existential emptiness, flatness, flat as cardboard. What’s the purpose of being in this body? If there is no juice, what’s the point? But slowly out of that has emerged an embodied state of being that transcends, all of the human juice is dualistic when you look at it, the moments of enthusiasm, highs, but when you look you see that the opposites are always there. And in the end, you realize it’s all a projection of the absolute state on the screen of matter. Everything that people experience experience, those highs, ecstatic moments, still nothing more a projection of what we are. You’ll find nobody there. I have not met anybody. Babaji was there. Maybe Adyashanti. I have met saints in India who were at that state. They aren’t usually speaking, or front and center of any movements. They don’t have anything to say.