A golden child, and then all fell apart 

 

I thought I would share some of the painful stories that come up for me to be seen, loved, rested with.

These are very basic stories, and they come up without much filtering these days, partly because I seem unable to filter or set aside much.

These seem related to elementary school experiences:

I am a victim, unsupported, under siege.

In elementary school, friends would turn against me when certain other kids were around. I felt unsafe, scared, confused, unsupported (by family, teachers, school mates), under siege. All of these still come up now and then. I feel like a victim of life and circumstances (especially with my health, brain fog, divorce, loss of friends, lost opportunities, things continuing to fall apart). I feel under siege (noise, chemicals, lack of support, no place to call my own).

In elementary school, I couldn’t fight or flee, so I froze. I became paralyzed. And that’s still showing up in some situations in my life. (Being passive where it would be more helpful to be active.)

And a more overarching story:

I was a golden child, then all fell apart.

I had amazing opportunities and inner and outer resources until I got married and left my guidance (by physically moving away from many things that felt deeply right to me). Then it all started to fall apart. I lost opportunities. Lost friends. Lost health. Lost education and career opportunities. Lost support. Lost inner and outer resources (health, clarity, confidence, capacity, house, money).

And another story:

This is a dark night of the soul. I went through the initial awakening and illumination phase, and now it’s the dark night of the soul. (Very similar to how Evelyn Underhill describes it in Mysticism.) It’s a heroic journey.

This one may be partly valid, and can – to some extent – be comforting. And it’s also unhelpful if I go to this story instead of looking at what’s really here, in immediacy.

There is also an earlier story, which came up more strongly a couple of years ago but is still here:

I am unloved. I am unlovable.

My parents would leave me alone in a dark room in my crib. I cried, and they didn’t come. So I gave up. (I froze.)

Before incarnation, beings showed me that it was time to incarnate and the essence of how this life would be and why (for my own maturing, and to do my little bit to help shift humanity). I agreed because I saw it was good, and didn’t voice my hesitation. (I had glimpses of memories of this even as a very young child.)

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I am unlovable, unloved

 

One of the main themes, and core beliefs, in my life so far is I am unlovable, I am unloved.

This caused me to chose a life situation that didn’t feel right, and made me feel off track for several years, and also lose several opportunities.

Several years ago, I faced a choice of getting married and staying in a relationship, or letting it go and move back to my own country. Partly because of these beliefs, I decided to marry. And partly because of these beliefs, I chose to let go of a great deal that was very important to me to stay in the marriage. I compromised far more than I would have without these beliefs.

Any thoughts about this are thoughts, and not inherent in reality. It’s not right or wrong in reality, or fortunate or unfortunate.

It has helped me get more familiar with this dynamic in my own life, and see that I am not different from many or most others in this. (The acting-on-a-belief/wound dynamic.)

There is an invitation here for me to love and investigate this in me, and find more clarity.

It did get me on a course where I got many experiences I enjoyed and wanted.

And at the same time, it has been unfortunate for me at a very human level. I have lived in places that didn’t feel right for me. Worked in jobs that didn’t feel right. Left a community that felt deeply right for me. Missed out of opportunities I otherwise would have had.

All of these, and more, are valid in their own way.

Incarnation trauma

 

This keeps coming into focus:

As a kid, I had memories of how it was before this incarnation – all as a presence with infinite love and wisdom, an infinite sense of being home, timelessness. What’s closest in the physical world is perhaps an ocean – in this case of awakeness, love, presence, wisdom, beyond and including the impersonal and personal – and of myself and any other more personal presences as part of this ocean. Before this incarnation, there was a council of sorts and a knowing of all of us that it was time for me to incarnate again. It was good for me (especially the first half of my life?) and good for others and humanity (especially the last half of my life?). There was a match between what I – as a soul – could learn and contribute, and what humanity as a whole would be learning and shifting into in this phase of our history. At some point, resistance set it, pretending I didn’t want it and didn’t chose it, pretending I was a victim, had lost something of infinite value, that God had chosen it for me, that it was a terrible tragedy to incarnate (not so much because this life isn’t enjoyable and interesting, but because of what was lost).

So there was a knowing that it was all right, and a wanting of this incarnation. A pretending it was a terrible tragedy. And quite a split between the two.

Later on in my life, I see some of these themes play themselves out, especially not fully wanting to be here (with my whole being) and repeated stories of loss of what’s most valuable to me, especially people, places and opportunities.

I also see how I tend to make idealized images of the past, as I did very early in life with my images of how it was before incarnation. Compare them with the present. And get caught up in the suffering created that way.

And I see how I – for a while – imagined that what was then isn’t here now. By holding onto an idealized image of the past, comparing it with an image of the present, and telling myself I lost something of infinite value, mind distracted itself from noticing it here, noticing it didn’t go anywhere.

Right now, I am most drawn to letting the (soft, gentle, loving, infinitely wise) light of Christ shine on this, the wound, the part of me pretending I didn’t want this incarnation, pretending I lost something of infinite value. And in this, there is a very quiet, soft, wordless loving inquiry, or sometimes just a whisper.

Is it true? What’s more true? How is it to take it in? Feel it? Stay with it?

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Session with Barry – Core Hurt

 

I scheduled a session with Barry to explore the core hurt I have noticed behind any reactivity (any beliefs, resistance to fear) that’s here. My words and experiences are in italic.

Core hurt, keep revisiting and revisiting, until the groove in the record gradually heals.

Ask to be taken to the seed, the root of the core wound.

I sense the deep integrity you have, I think you are pretty much out of the woods now.

Feel your desire to be taken back in space and time, regress back to the moment where the next piece of this core wounding occurred.

My mother, thinking/trusting she was there for me and she wasn’t, rejected me somehow. Feel dizzy, not grounded, stunned. The muscles in my calves tighten. She was a big part of my world, almost my whole world, and she wasn’t there for me.

Drop into the feeling, the emotional charge.

Anger. Hurt. Disbelief. Shaky. Numb. It’s safer to be numb. Feel it in my heart area. Raw. There is a decision to not fully be here. Uneasy feeling in stomach. Tightening jaw (anger). My sense it it happened very early. She may have been there physically but not otherwise, rejected me somehow. She had more than enough with her own life at the time.

There was a real need there, and that need not being met. See that your mother wasn’t able to be there. She was too full of her own considerations to be there, fully connect with you. It’s not rejection. She didn’t say “no” to you, or that she didn’t want to be there for me. She was too busy, too full of her own issues. Bring us full circle, give ourselves what we didn’t get. Otherwise, never ending search for the mother that wasn’t there, and we never get it, not from any woman, it doesn’t happen. Just end up playing the initial drama of the wounding. This is the final door out. You give up. There is no woman, no idealized woman, who can give you that or heal that for you. It can be a little bit of shattering experience, because so much of the self was built up around it. Now what. What is the purpose of relationship now.

God is love. Love is all there is. I am that.

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Childhood wounds

 

Childhood wounds seems to surface now, perhaps as part of a natural process, or perhaps also invited up through inquiry or TRE.

Some thoughts related to these childhood wounds:

Nobody loves me. Nobody is here for me. The world is not a safe place.

Something is wrong with me. I am flawed. I am unlovable. I am alone.

Everyone gets it but I don’t.

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Core wound

 

As a kid, I had several instances where I remembered how it was before incarnation. I was outside with the sun filtering through the leaves and a light breeze, and suddenly there is a flash back to how it was. Infinite love and wisdom. Luminosity. A complete sense of being home.

I also remember my family moving to another house in the same small town when I was four or five months old, and seeing it all from above. I have images of my parents walk up to the new house with me in a stroller, something large square and white is in front of the house, the wall paper has a certain pattern and color and the walls are soon after painted white. All of this was confirmed by my parents when I asked them about it in my late teens. I realize I really didn’t want to incarnate, to embody, until I had to when this body started moving and talking more consciously.

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