TRE for muscle pain

 

In the context of therapeutic trembling, the body releases tension and trauma whether we think it belongs to the mind or the body. The body doesn’t really differentiate between the two.

I was recently reminded of how valuable TRE can be for releasing physical trauma. I pulled some muscles in the lower back a few days ago, and have done TRE daily since.

When done gently and after the acute phase is over, therapeutic tremoring can heal and release the injury more quickly, and it feels very soothing.

It would be interesting to do a research project on using TRE for these types of injuries.

Note: Therapeutic trembling is the natural trembling mechanism in all mammals. In our modern western culture, we are often trained to think that this trembling is a sign of weakness or that we are out of control, or we don’t understand what it does, so we learn to suppress it. At first, we often need something more structured to allow it to operate again. And Tension and Trauma Releasing Exercises (TRE) is one way for us to find our way back to this natural trembling mechanism.

Using spare attention for noticing, resting, healing

 

Through the day, there are many periods where I have spare attention. It may be after I wake up and am still in bed, before falling asleep, when I walk, shower or cook, when I use public transportation, when I rest, and so on.

During these periods, I often use my spare attention intentionally. I may notice what’s here – sensations, thoughts, sight, sound, taste, smell. I may intentionally rest with – or as – what’s here. Nowadays I often use Vortex Healing for myself or others. And in the past (going back to my teens), I have often used heart prayer (Jesus prayer), ho’oponopono, or tonglen.

Sometimes, I just let the mind do what it does in the moment and gently notice it.

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Deeply healing one issue will tend to impact other areas

 

Everything is connected. And, really, everything is movements within the same seamless whole.

This evening, I used Vortex Healing to prevent kidney stones. (I had an experience with it about ten years ago.) I noticed the energy working in the kidneys first, then moving up the spine and higher in the chest, and then working in the belly. (There was a lot releasing there, judging from all the physical movement). There was a clear sense that the belly healing and releasing had to do with preventing kidney stones. And a reminder that deeply healing one issue includes healing underlying issues which in turn may have several surface manifestations. In this case, I had the sense that healing the underlying issue of the kidney stones also meant healing an aspect of my belly and digestive issues.

Vortex Healing for my brain

 

Some years ago, I received several diksha sessions that were very powerful. They led to samadhi during meditation and a non-dual type awakening where any sense of separate self fell away. This lasted for about six months and was followed by CFS and a collapse at all levels. During the early CFS phase, I noticed a sense of energetic emptiness in the forehead and temporal area. It has gradually filled in as I gradually healed and got stronger again.

When I encountered Vortex Healing about ten months ago, I noticed the energy worked a great deal in my forehead area. It did when I received the first sessions. It did in the weeks before and during my first vortex class. And it worked on my forehead area whenever I ran vortex for several weeks or perhaps even months. After my second class, the energy has worked on my forehead whenever I use the global healing grid – whether it’s for another or myself. Just now, I received a vortex session on the collapse, and the energy worked very strongly on my forehead and temporal lobes during the whole session and after.

My sense is that the diksha did something to my temporal lobes especially which led to the awakening and the following collapse. Vortex Healing seems to work a lot on healing whatever happened. (It’s also possible that my life situation, and going against my knowing on an ongoing and major life decision, contributed to the collapse and the energetic emptiness in that part of my head and brain.)

Using Vortex Healing for myself through the day

 

Especially on days that are more open, I’ll sometimes work on one issue for myself through the day. I’ll check in while still in bed in the morning, find something to work on for myself, and then I work on it through the day – either in the background as I am doing something else, or more fully while walking or when I am not doing anything else. It feels good to do it this way right now, and it seems that it can go quite deep. So far, I have worked mostly on the physical body (organs, digestion, brain, any infections, any inflammation) and energetic system (energy pathways, chakras), although also some emotional/identity issues. I still have a reasonably long list (literally) of things to work on….!

Working on oneself

 

At a small gathering of Vortex healers, the senior healer mentioned that she rarely works on herself and added, “I don’t have time, too many clients”. A few things came up for me about this:

This is – in my experience – not typical for the Vortex Healing community. Most I know use Vortex Healing to work on themselves quite extensively, both as maintenance and to clear deep personal, ancestral, and karmic material.

Saying “I don’t have time” – as most of us do now and then – is a polite way of saying “I don’t prioritize it”. I try to make it a practice of being honest about this so when I notice the impulse to say “I don’t have time” I change it to “it’s not a priority for me”. I may not say either out loud, but I say it to myself so I can see what’s going on. It can feel harsh, but it’s honest, and the truth shall set us free.

Finally, I tend to be drawn to approaches that benefit both myself and clients. Tools I can use for myself and others, and that benefits me even as I work with clients. Vortex Healing is a good example of these type of tools. Now that I have some time, at least for a few weeks, I find myself using Vortex Healing for myself for several hours each day. (So far, I have worked on chronic fatigue, clearing energy pathways, digestion, possible infections, possible inflammation, misophonia, lungs, throat chakra, shoulder tension, karmic hooks, and a few other things.)

It’s important to find a balance between working on oneself and the rest of life, and now that I have more time, it feels like a valuable opportunity to take some time for myself.

How does Vortex benefit me as I work on a client? The energy flows through me so my system opens up and is energized. Also, there is an element of service, of doing what’s needed in the moment.

Unable to muscle through, so get to face what’s there

 

Earlier in life, I had strong “will power” and was able to muscle through and get things done in spite of whatever fears, hesitations, hangups etc. were there. I could override it. I was very good at it.

Now, with the fatigue, I am unable to do it the way I used to.

So now, even small fears, beliefs, identifications, hangups, wounds, makes it difficult for me to take charge and get things done. Small bumps topple the cart. (En liten tue kan velte et stort lass – Norwegian saying.)

It’s true that it’s related to the fatigue and lower executive (higher brain) functions, but it may not be directly caused by it. It seems that it’s more cause by a reduced ability to override and muscle through.

There is a gift here. I did ask to be shown what’s left, a few years back, and this seems to be part of me seeing what’s left.

The remedy may be the usual one:

Rest with what’s coming up, including the fears and wounds, and my reaction to it.

Meet it with patience, kindness, even love.

Question assumptions behind the fears. Explore the velcro. See what’s really there – the images, words, and sensations making up the fears and reactions to what’s happening.

See if I can find what’s stopping me. Can I find it in images, words, sensations? (This helps me see how it’s created in my mind.) Can I find it outside of those?

Seeing that there is a gift in it helps me befriend it more. And it also helps to see that both the the fears, and the reactions to it, are there to protect me. They come from deep caring, from love.

Even the fatigue and poor executive functions may be there to protect me, and comes from deep caring and love. In the healing process, the organism seems to prioritize physical function and lower brain functions over the higher brain functions, and that’s a way of protecting me. And the reduced higher brain functions allows me to rest, which is also a way of protecting me.

Note: Some may call what’s stopping me “resistance” but to me, it’s more unquestioned and unloved fears, beliefs, identifications, wounds and even hangups.

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Loving the unloved, question the unquestioned

 

I have had old unloved wounds surface lately, along with the unquestioned stories that creates them and holds them in place. Much of it has to do with leaving my guidance when I got married, feeling derailed since, regretting lost opportunities, and being unhappy about where I find myself now.

When these old wounds come up, it’s easy to turn away and neglect them again. After all, that’s been my pattern for most (or all?) of my life. It’s easy to follow the groove created over years and even decades. It’s easy to repeat what’s most familiar.

And yet, the remedy is to do the opposite. To turn towards it. To rest with it. To meet it with love and quiet attention. To question the assumptions that creates and maintains these wounds.

I seem to still repeat the pattern of (a) getting caught in old and habitual ways or responding to these wounds (avoiding them), and (b) shifting into resting with them, finding love for it, and noticing and question the assumptions behind them.

And that too is something I can rest with, find love for, and where I can notice and question any stressful assumptions.

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Podcasts

 

Some podcasts I listen to regularly:

Science Friday (NPR)

Witness (BBC)

This American Life (WBEZ)

Big Picture Science (SETI Institute)

Science Weekly (The Guardian)

Science in Action (BBC)

The World in Words (PRI)

A Way With Words

The History of English (Kevin Stroud)

Planetary Radio (Planetary Society)

And in Norwegian:

Språkteigen (NRK)

Museum (NRK)

Ekko (NRK)

Some I listen to now & then:

NRK Gull (NRK)

To The Best of Our Knowledge (PRI)

The Larry Meiller Show (WPR)

From Our Own Correspondent (BBC)

Documentaries (BBC)

Språket i P1 (Sveriges Radio)

Studio 360 (PRI)

Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me (NPR)

The Work of Byron Katie

Buddha at the Gas Pump

TRE and fatigue

 

There may be many reasons for chronic fatigue (or not), and many ways through it.

For me, Tension and Trauma Release Exercises (TRE) is one.

I assume that chronic tension binds energy that otherwise could be used for healing and living life. And it may also block energy flow, in a more eastern view, with a similar result.

At the very least, it certainly takes a lot of energy to hold tension in the body. (As it does to hold beliefs, identifications, and velcro. This is what creates the mental and physical tension, which is why natural rest and inquiry is apart of this exploration for me. I want to go to the root of what’s happening, and TRE alone doesn’t do that.)

When I do TRE, I feel relaxed, whole, and more myself. And as I do it over time, chunks of tension soften and gradually release, starting from the legs and hips and moving up the body.

For me, now, the main tension sits in my shoulders, and that’s also where – in my throat – I notice a consistent body contraction. My hip area and lower back feels much more soft and open, and it seems that it’s largely due to the TRE.

Emptiness

 

When I wake up in the morning, I often experience a profound sense of emptiness. It’s been that way for the last few years.

It’s not emptiness in the Buddhist sense. The Buddhist emptiness can be taken as absence of a real separate self inherent in reality, or absence of experience of being a separate self. (Absence of identification as a self – or with images or words which tends to create identification as a self.)

It’s not emptiness in an ordinary psychological sense, meaning an unfortunate sense of lack of meaning or richness in ones life.

It’s more of an “energetic” emptiness. An absence of movement. A deep silence and stillness. It scares my mind still, since it projects it into my human self and the future. It creates images of an inability of this human self to function in the world, and complete lack of initiative. I often take time to experience the emptiness, and sometimes meeting and feeling the fear. Thanking it for protecting me. Thanking it for it’s love. Finding love for it, as it is. As soon as I get up and start doing things, this sense of emptiness goes into the background. (Although I can still find it, even now.) As soon as I can find genuine love for this emptiness and the fear that comes up in response to it, something may shift. I suspect I may notice everything as this stillness more and throughout the day, and also that what’s noticing is the stillness itself.

Without knowing, I suspect that the Buddhist emptiness may refer to two things. One is the absence of a real separate self anywhere, and the realization of this. Another is the deep stillness which comes into the foreground as all there is. The stillness recognizing itself as all there is. (This may be what’s happening in the mornings these days.)

Befriending flatness

 

Over the last few days, I have experienced a sense of flatness and dullness, and also a sense of emptiness and nothingness. There has also been a relatively quiet mix of a wide range of feelings and emotions experienced all at once.

I notice how a part of me sees this flatness and dullness as a threat. It feels wrong, unfortunate, even a hindrance. And a thought says it’s always going to be that way.

It may also be that I have set aside and pushed away this feeling of flatness and dullness most of my life, and it’s now surfacing to be included, befriended, and met with love and understanding.

This flatness and dullness is also an experience, as any other experience. Why not befriend it? Meet it with curiosity? Find love for it? How is it also to befriend my fear of befriending it, and any shoulds behind befriending it?

What’s the worst that can happen if I befriend it? What actually happens?

How does this experience appear in images, words and sensations? Looking at the images, one at a time, is it flat or dull? Are the sensations actually flat or dull? What’s actually there?

San Francisco

 

For twenty years or more, I have had a clear calling to live in the Bay Area. It hasn’t happened yet, apart from some stays from a week to a few months. And the reason it hasn’t happened may partly be that I left myself, as I have written about in other posts. On a crucial life decision, I acted on fear and shoulds over my guidance and knowing.

Yesterday, I talked with a friend of mine about how clear the calling is for me. Later that day, another friend contacted me saying she is visiting SF and was convinced she saw me there….! Interesting synchronicity.

Currently

 

A brief update:

Currently, there is a clear “yes” to a few things: To continue and hopefully finish the Living Inquiry training. To go for walks in nature here around beautiful Totnes, Devon. To read books on spiritual emergencies and dark nights. (I have a big stack next to me, mostly read.) Sometimes write on this blog, as a way for me to explore and perhaps clarify things for myself. And, perhaps most importantly, rest, heal, and allow Spirit and my soul to work on me.

 

Rhythm

 

I see a cycle in my life these days, and it goes from resistance, to meeting, to rest.

(a) Wounds surface. There is resistance to what’s here. Complaints. Trying to push away. Distractions. Tantrum.

(b) It shifts into resting as what’s here. Meeting it. Feeling it. Perhaps seeing through it. Inquiry. It can also take the form of giving it all over to the divine. Or any other way of meeting, feeling, finding love for what’s here.

(c) This shifts into rest. Peace. A period of quiet.

And then it repeats.

It has a natural rhythm. It’s so easy to “forget” this cycle when I am in (a). And being a nine on the enneagram, it’s also easy for me to see (c) as some sort of “goal” or end point, and resist (a) when it comes up again.

Currently

 

I thought I would give a brief update here. There is still a lot coming up for me, of previously unfelt, unloved, unseen material, and it’s sometimes challenging and sometimes quite moving. It’s all coming up with an invitation for it to be met, felt, loved, seen as what it is – in form and as the same as everything. Things keep falling apart in my outer life as well, perhaps as a reflection of a dismantling of inner patterns as Barry suggests. It’s also because I get caught in what surfaces and live it out, to some extent, and what surfaces is sometimes quite wounded and very young.

Some practices I find helpful these days:

The Living Inquiries. I am in the LI training program, so do the LIs most days, and sometimes several times a day. I find it very helpful, and it’s an approach that makes it easy to explore what I previously have looked into through more traditional (Buddhist) sense field explorations.

Tonglen & Ho’oponopono. I use both of these on anything that my mind takes as an “enemy”, wherever in my world this apparent enemy appears – subpersonalities, physical symptoms, emotions, resistance, life circumstances, other people, a dream figure or anything else. It helps shift how I relate to and see these. There is a curiosity and a question in this. Is it really an enemy? Is my perception of it as an enemy as true as it first appears? What’s my perception of it as I continue exploring it through tonglen and ho’o? (Maybe it’s even revealed as – what a thought may call – awareness and love?)

Holding satsang. I also hold satsang with subpersonalities and whatever else is here (anything can be taken as a subpersonality). You are welcome here. Thank you for protecting me. Thank you for your love for me. What would satisfy you forever? What are you really? 

Heart flame. I find and fan the flame of the heart with my attention and gratitude. Then – in my mind – place my whole body and being inside of this flame, allowing it to burn away anything that’s not similar to itself (clarity, love). It burns away any trance, any illness.

Tension and Trauma Release Exercises (TRE). I continue inviting in neurogenic tremors, often throughout daily life – when I sit in a chair, stand waiting for the tea water to boil, lie in bed etc. Sometimes, I also bring something stressful to mind to invite tension around that to release through the tremors.

The Work. I sometimes use The Work too. Right now, I have to admit I am more drawn to the Living Inquiries, although I see them as equal and complementary. They are both forms of inquiry. They both invite beliefs to be seen through and soften or fall apart. And yet, the Living Inquiries work on images, body images, and sensations more specifically, which I find helpful now. It’s as if it more directly goes to a more primal part of the mind.

Rest. Whenever I remember, I intentionally rest, allowing any experience to be as it is. Noticing the sensations, allowing them as they are. Noticing the sounds, images and words coming and going. Noticing it’s all already allowed. This is an alert form of resting. More accurately, it’s a resting from being caught up in images and words. They come and go, and are noticed as objects instead of being identified with…. and taken as a subject, as what I am. This is also called Shikantaza, or natural meditation, and it’s part of the Living Inquiries.

Stable attention. I sometimes also take time to bring attention to the sensations of the breath at the nostrils, or at one nostril. This invites attention to stabilize, and it becomes more pliable and a support for any activity in life (and just being). I am just getting more back into this, and wish to do it more again.

Prayer. I pray for guidance. For seeing through the trance. (Victim etc.) For support seeing through the trance. For support in meeting what’s here with love. For support in any way that’s most helpful for me. For support in living from love and clarity. For support in giving my life over to God (Spirit, Christ, Buddha Mind) wholeheartedly. For support in meeting any fear in me with love and clarity. For my life being in service of life.

Additional. I have also done some EFT and TFT. I go for walks in nature.  I make sure to drink plenty of water, usually in the form of different types of herbals teas, so my urine is pale or almost clear. (This really helps with any sense of energetic stagnation in my system.) I take some herbs and similar things (chulen, rhodiola, eleuthero, echinacea). I get plenty or rest and sleep.  I do things that sparks my passion (photography, drawing, reading). I connect with friends. (As or more important than much else here.) And so on.

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Energy drawing

 

IMG_3727

Another energy drawing. As I have mentioned before, I don’t take these as “literal” depictions of my energy system (it’s also not possible to directly translate these things into the physical) but more as projections. This one feels quite open and energetic, while also more grounded. It feels like what’s behind the confusion that sometimes is on the surface of the mind these days.

Currently

 

Laying in bed this morning, I noticed some familiar fragmentation  in my mind, and also some frozenness, and I see how it prevents me from living a full and rich life following my guidance and integrity. I think it’s all from childhood (and really, from right now), and I want to take care of it. I may do a couple of more sessions with Bill (the local trauma guy), I plan to explore it with inquiry, pray for guidance and healing, and also bring it to mind while shaking. I have noticed the fragmentation also when looking at body images – there is one image of my physical body, then two images of my body that are not completely aligned with my physical body. I wonder if those are there because they feel safer somehow. I also notice several images of “me” in the head area – one of the physical head, one that’s in the same location only larger, and one behind my physical head. It will be interesting to see what happens when I recognize more clearly that these are images and not “me”.

I wrote this earlier today. I see I can take several things here to the Living Inquiries: Trauma. Wounds. Childhood. Fragmentation. Frozenness. The various body images, which seem to come up naturally in the Living Inquiry sessions across a range of topics. The command to be healed, to not have trauma, to not have wounds, to be whole, healthy and unblemished. The command to resist any of these. The threat in wounds, trauma, frozenness, fragmentation, healing, wholeness.

Things to do when there is contraction

 

I am in a phase again where there are occasional strong contractions. My mind contracts into beliefs (complaints, self-pity), my breath gets shallow, I resist the contraction and think I am doing it wrong, and when it goes far enough, I partly forget and partly don’t want to use any tools in my tool box. At this point, time is what seems to help the most.

Here are some reminders to myself of what I can do.

As the contraction starts

  • Notice the trigger, the situation and beliefs
  • Give mind/body over to the divine, including the contraction and resistance to the contraction
  • Drink water (herbal teas, beef broth), take Chulen
  • Use the body. Shake, neurogenic tremors / TRE + walk outdoors
  • Breathe and stay with the sensations/feelings
  • Rest, notice what’s here is already allowed

As it happens

  • Walk outdoors
  • Notice sensations, and beliefs about what they mean, take to gentle inquiry
    • Is it true this sensation means I am doomed?
    • Is it true this sensation means something terrible happened? Is it true it means something terrible will happen?
    • Do these sensation say anything about what’s real?
  • Breathe and stay with the sensations/feelings

When it’s lighter

  • Inquiry on triggers and the contraction itself
    • Some beliefs: I made a mistake, I lost what’s important to me, my life will be miserable
  • Set intention to remember these things when the contraction starts
  • Pray for guidance and support
  • Training stable attention (attention on the sensations at the nostrils)
  • Rest, allow what’s here + notice it’s already allowed
  • Bring attention to the heart flame, put mind/body in the flame, put contraction and resistance to it into the flame

Misperception

 

Being misperceived seems to be a theme for me now.

I remember some instances from childhood where this happened. My older brother said I had done something he had done, I got the blame, and was not believed. School mates told the principal I had done something I had no connection with, was called in, and again not believed. There are also other instances.

And now, this seems to happen more frequently again.

What’s really going on?

I see how my words can be misperceived.

If I notice that the person I am talking with seems to have a rigid and one-sided view on a topic, I’ll often take on and defend the other end of the polarity, even if I don’t agree with it in a conventional sense. Something in me feels it’s important for any view to be acknowledged, appreciated and included. And I often don’t explain what I am doing. I see how that can be misperceived, especially by those who (a) don’t know me very well, and (b) tends to see things in a less fluid way (or ar not used to differentiate between conventional truths and what’s there when we look more closely).

Also, I tend to notice and give voice to parts of me, even if – or perhaps especially if – they are small and in apparent opposition to my conscious view and orientation. Again, those who don’t know me very well, and are not used to this, may think that what I voice is my conscious view and/or my whole view.

In a therapy or counseling session, I tend to search for and voice beliefs in me, and especially those far from my conscious view. And here too, there has been misunderstandings. I also tend to search for the grain of truth in whatever the therapist may say, even if it’s far from true in a conventional sense. I go with – and agree with – the grain of truth, and don’t make it clear that it may not fit in an ordinary and conventional sense.

These patterns in me work well with people who know me well, and with folks familiar with inquiry and subpersonality work. And it may not work so well otherwise. I keep getting that lesson. I also notice that one reason I keep doing this may be a combination of disappointment (they are not familiar with this form of fluidity and playful exploration), hopelessness (they won’t understand anyway), and trying to find protection in a sense of superiority (I am better than them since I am more used to playful fluidity).

I see that this is an opportunity to give voice to my experience.

When I notice someone seems to misperceive me, I often don’t say anything. It’s so clearly about them and not me, so why say anything about it? And yet, that’s an attitude that has created problems in my life, sometimes quite big problems. When I look more closely, I see that it comes – at least partly – from feeling hurt. She misperceives me, I feel hurt by it, so I’ll punish her by letting her have her ideas and not say anything. It’s more kind to me and the other person to correct it as soon as possible.

I see it’s an opportunity to find the validity in what they say.

In the situations I have in mind writing this, the misperception is clearly a misperception in a conventional sense. And it’s kind to me and others to correct it right away.

At the same time, there is a grain of truth in it. I can always find where it’s true, even if it’s just in a thought or impulse in me at one point, or something I said or did once years back. And if I can find one example, I can find one more. It’s helpful for me to find this. And I don’t need to give voice to it if it may lead to a misunderstanding.

Currently

 

Some of the things happening currently in my life and explorations:

Giving it all over to God. Whenever I remember, I give it all over to God. I give my body, mind, and whatever is here over to God. I give it all over to You.

Holding satsang with what’s here, using pointers from Pamela Wilson.

Giving it all to the heart flame. Find the flame in the heart area, the one that represent the divine, non-identified mind, love, and give everything to it, my whole body-mind and any challenging situations or problems in my life. Allow it to burn away anything not like itself. (This is offering confusion and whatever is here to clarity and love.)

The Work. I do inquiry mainly in the certification context these days, and for myself and my own sake.

Living inquiries. I am using the “night panic” steps from Judy Cohen based on the Living Inquiries of Scott Kiloby (and Buddhism!), have done a couple of  LI sessions, and have signed up for a deepening course.

Breema. I just did a week long Breema intensive, doing bodywork, applying the nine principles there and in my life, and connecting with other Breema people. It feels deeply nurturing.

Herbs, diet and LDN. I continue to take (most) of what my herbalist has prescribed for me. The Low Dose Naltrexone (LDN) seems to really help with the CFS. And I have a diet low on wheat, dairy and sugar. (I don’t eliminate it completely as I don’t want to be too rigid about it.)

Tarot Reading

 

tarot

Tarot reading at Spasso Coffehouse in Rockridge with Luna, using the John Holland deck.

Three of swords. Heartache and loss. It’s time to give to yourself the love you have been seeking from others. (Past.)

Empress. Fertility, seeds sprout, fruition. (Present.)

Two of cups. Spiritual union, one-on-one. (Future.)

I have noticed that I Ching seems to reflect my mind state in the moment, and I wonder if Tarot readings may do the same.

I added a card at the end.

Ace of Pentacles. Prosperity Begins. (Additional card.)

Barry: Give it all to God

 

Give it all to God. Admit it is bigger than you and you are powerless in it’s face.  Then turn it over to God and ask God to deal with it totally. When feelings come up, the thoughts give them too up to God.

All these fear have to do with the future.  I bet you are not being here in the now simply being with the feelings.

And….

It is much better if you continue to rely on faith and surrender of your issues.  This morning I had the feeling again it is not about a lot more excavation of your childhood patterns, but that it is instead about dying completely as the “doer” and turning it all over to God.

From two recent emails from Barry.

I sometimes find myself in situations these days where the only solution/resolution seems to be to give it all over to God. I don’t always remember, but when I do, there is a sense of relief. I also notice that there is a sense of vibrancy and aliveness throughout awareness, and a softening of identification with/as certain stories and the me and I. It helps Spirit recognize itself as what’s here, including the stressful stories and identifications.

Wounded child – identity, perceived payoff, effects

 

Here is a core survival pattern I notice in me.

I want to keep looking at: 

  1. The identity (wounded child, numb, frozen, paralyzed)
  2. The perceived payoff (protection, staying safe, survival)
  3. The effects in my life (passive, letting others make decisions, missed opportunities)
  4. Staying with/breathing into what comes up (numbness, sadness, anger)
  5. Also notice resistance to looking at this, the gatekeeper (beliefs, hopelessness, fear, images, stories)

Some of what I find:

  1. The identity: Going into numbness, being frozen, paralyzed (in early childhood). Hesitation. Holding back at the threshold of what I want. Allowing others to make decisions. Regret missed opportunities. Numb –> anger –> sadness –> fear.
  2. Perceived payoff: Staying safe, protected, surviving.
  3. Effects: Being passive, slow, hesitation, letting others make decisions, being at the mercy of the decisions of others, missed opportunities (in education, relationships, work, where to live).
  4. Staying with it: Behind the numbness, anger, behind the anger, fear.
  5. Resistance: Fear of facing it, staying with it, investigating. Unease. (As a gatekeeper. If a part of me believes this pattern is needed for survival, there will naturally be fear when I face it.)

Some ways to explore it:

  1. Inquiry using these questions. Inquiry on the beliefs I find.
  2. Neurogenic tremors while bringing this to mind: the early childhood situation, numbness, perceived payoff, actual consequences in my life. This may help release tension and trauma around it, unfreeze the patterns, release the energy (strength, power) that’s held up in these patterns. Also, EFT and similar techniques.
  3. Being open and honest in relationships, allowing myself to be vulnerable, ask for what I want, etc.

My job today

 

Some days, I find myself mostly in bed unable to be “productive” in a conventional sense.

It allows me to question what productive means to me, and also that being productive is somehow better than not being productive.

I see that I have been quite productive today. I have explored finding peace with what’s here, meeting it in satsang, finding it as love and finding love for it, and more.

And I see that only a thought would say that something is being productive and something else is not, and that being productive is better than not being productive.

Life – the universe as a whole – apparently thinks that what I did (or didn’t do) today was the most important thing that could happen. Who am I to argue?

Currently

 

In bed last night, I noticed something was slightly different, as if my body was getting something my mind had recognized a while ago.

I noticed that what’s here is it. It’s all there is. It includes any images of past, present and future, and even the most basic images of time and space. There is nowhere else to go. What I seek is right here, whatever I seek. It cannot be anywhere else. (The essence of what I seek – love, trust, connection, safety – is right here.)

I noticed sensations in my body, and that a thought could label it discomfort, clogged up, pressure, stagnation.

And these very same experiences were something a thought could label bliss.

All in one, they were discomfort, bliss and awakeness. What’s here appears to itself as what a thought may label awakeness, bliss, discomfort, or all three.

There is no reason why it can’t all be here simultaneously, even as different aspects or facets or labels of the same. Only a thought would say it cannot all be here together.

When what’s here is recognized as all there is, including (the essence of) all I have ever sought, it doesn’t have to change.

And when what’s here is recognized as awakeness, bliss, and whatever else a thought may label it (fatigue, discomfort, clogged up, frustration, anger, sadness), it doesn’t have to change.

Brain

 

I keep noticing that my brain seems to not function properly, and I also have that sense energetically.

In terms of symptoms, there is a sense of fragmentation of the psyche, and of the executive functions not operating properly (decision making, attention etc.).

It may have several reasons: (a) Leaving my guidance some years back (out of fear and a belief), (b) diksha (seemed to rewire my brain in a way that had unfortunate side-effects), and (c) chronic fatigue (often associated with executive function problems). The sense of fragmentation may also come from a great deal of shadow material surfacing over the last few years, including a range of subpersonalities operating from different worldviews and beliefs.

And some ways of working with it:

Connecting with the soul space and the flame, and asking the divine (Christ) for healing, resolution, your will be done.

Inviting in Ilahinoor.

Doing ho’o on the brain and the unusual (scattered) energetic feeling.

Holding satsang with what’s there – the symptoms.

A shift in center of gravity

 

Here is a shift I find difficult to put into words, perhaps because it’s not very clear to me yet.

In my late teens and twenties, Spirit recognized itself as all without exception. Yet the center of gravity was in the clarity, the light etc.. And that was also the center of gravity when looking at whatever pain or confusion surfaced. There was a slight identification as light, clarity and love, and although the rest was recognized as Spirit too, it was slightly “other” as well.

Then, in my thirties, there was a shift. Spirit still recognized itself as all, yet the center of gravity – the point of view – was more from within the confusion, identification and darkness. There was, and is, a finding of healing from within and as the confusion and pain. Spirit couldn’t anymore identify more as light, clarity and love. This shift helped point out the previous slight, almost invisible (to me!) identification and preference.

This also seems like a shift from head and heart center, to heart and belly center. A shift from a slight identification with/as the head center and it’s clarity and light, to becoming more familiar with and as the belly center, with its luminous darkness and womb-like quality.

It makes sense. Spirit is all of it – light and dark, clarity and confusion, nonidentification and identification. So even a slight identification with one or the other, with – in this case – the thought or image of being more light and clarity than darkness and confusion, is out of alignment with reality, and reality will move to correct it and bring the conscious and felt view more into alignment with reality.

And all of this is images and labels. It’s all Spirit and a thought saying a particular appearance of Spirit is light and clarity, or darkness and confusion, or nonidentified or identified mind, or a slight identification.

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Shut down

 

After I got the chronic fatigue (aka temporary fatigue, chronic vitality), I have had periods of shut down. The way it shows up now is (a) missing breakfast, (b) a small trigger, and (c) a sense of mental and physical shut down. The remedy is usually food (proteins), plenty of water, and time. It’s partly physical, and there is also a set of beliefs activated.

Here are some of the beliefs:

(a) About the current situation, if I am with others: It’s my fault. They will see me as weak. They won’t like me. They will reject me. I should have taken care of this a long time ago.

(c) About the shut down: I am a victim of this pattern. I am a victim of my body. I am a victim of these beliefs.

(b) And from early childhood: It’s hopeless. I can’t do it. Life is too difficult. It’s easier to shut down. It’s easier to be frozen. It’s safe to be frozen.

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