I woke up at 3am last night noticing a bottomless sense of loneliness. It was quite faint, but very clear. And in my imagination, it was very small, almost like a pin head, and infinite in its loneliness.

I brought attention to it and stayed with it for a while. Seeing it. Feeling it. Being with it. Allowing it. With kindness.

It felt primeval. Going back to my earliest days. Fueled by a sense of separation, of never quite connecting with myself, others, life as fully as what I sense is possible. Fueled by all the times in my life I experience loss – of people, dreams, hopes. It seems to be the point where all experience of loneliness is stored, almost like a very dense neutron star. The only resolution is to recognize that separation and any sense of I and other is mind made, created through our imagination, and made to appear temporarily real. But even when that recognition is immediate and clear, it is not quite enough to heal this spot.

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I am going to shamelessly continue exploring the 101 topics…..

It still comes up for me, so there is obviously more for me to explore and become familiar with, especially throughout my daily life, and writing it down here is a support in that exploration.

Noticing is not dependent on a state.

I can notice (a) all as awakeness, and (b) (some of) how appearances are created, and this can happen within a wide range of states, probably within any state. Reactive emotions, dullness, confusion, sense of I, identification with viewpoints, it doesn’t matter. The noticing can happen with and within any of those.

It is true that it can be easier to notice a and b in some states – for instance states of great stability of attention and great clarity. And the invitation is then to continue noticing as the states continue to change, including into states that appear “unenlightened” to our conventional (and misleading) views.

It can be a fun exploration and game, to notice a and b in what appears the most unenlightened.

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Here are two basic forms of inquiry:

Notice all as awareness.

And notice how appearances are created here now.

And as we get more familiar with these explorations, it is natural to take this exploration to what appears as most unenlightened.

What appears most unenlightened to me here and now?

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My practice these days seems to be taking responsibility or my own choices and actions, and my part in the consequences of these choices and actions.

As any other area of practice, it is a rich and fertile area of exploration.

First, I notice that when I hear it from others, it may come across as moralizing, as a “should”. Instead, I can take it as a question, as something to explore for myself in immediacy. What happens when I don’t take responsibility for my own choices and actions? What happens when I do?

I also notice that it is easy to say, and it is even easy to do to some extent and in some areas of life. But there is always further to go.

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I notice that I hesitate publishing most of the posts I write here, and leave them as unpublished drafts.

When I look further, I find two reasons, two unexamined beliefs.

I need to be careful about what I write. Yes, that is true. Some folks will take whatever they read or hear as true, just because they want to. It is good to be responsible, try to be as accurate and consientious as possible, and make it as useful as possible. But I can also trust that just like me, most people are discriminating and actively wrestle with and process what they read and hear. And whether we actively digest or not, life will hold up a mirror to us and present us with feedback and opportunities to notice, learn, and grow.

I need to be better informed, more experience, and further digest the material before I put it down. Yes, that is true as well. I write about things I am not trained in, and have not explored nearly as much as I could. It is good to notice and acknowledge to myself and others. And yet, these are just personal explorations. And it is fine to write from a place that is somewhat uninformed, inexperienced, and half-digested. It is inevitable in a relative and conventional sense, since someone – usually a large group of people - are more experienced, better informed, and have digested whatever it may be far more thoroughly than I have. And it is inevitable in an absolute sense in that we all, even the most experienced and insightful, just barely scratch the surface of what is there.

This is all part of my conscious view on the world. But somewhere in me, it hasn’t quite sunk in. It is still not quite processed and there is still some lack of clarity. there is room for allowing it to sink in, and for more parts to reorganize and realign.

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Values in Action (VIA) comes from positive psychology, and is a way to rank our individual character strengths. What is important to me? What am I good at? How can make use of it in everyday life? What ranks lower for me? How can I strengthen those?

The VIA test can be taken at the Institute for Character website, or at Authentic Happiness which has a wide range of tests.

Here is my current Values in Action score. I have guesses how it relates to NEO PI in parenthesis.

Your Top Strength

Creativity, ingenuity, and originality (may be similar to high in Openness to Experience in the NEO PI)
Thinking of new ways to do things is a crucial part of who you are. You are never content with doing something the conventional way if a better way is possible.

Your Second Strength

Love of learning (related to high in Openness and Conscientiousness)
You love learning new things, whether in a class or on your own. You have always loved school, reading, and museums-anywhere and everywhere there is an opportunity to learn.

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Here are results from the 240 question NEO PI-R test:

FACTORS

Low N – 40 T score – low 16% (neuroticism)

Medium E – 50 T score – 50% – right in the middle (extraversion)

Very high O – 67 T score – top 5% (openness to experience)

High A – 65 T score – top 7% (agreeableness)

Very high C – 68 T score – top 4% (conscientiousness)

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I took the brief online NEO PI test again.

My energy level fluctuates some due to the chronic fatigue, which is reflected in some of these results. When I feel better, as I do now, my level of extraversion goes up slightly, and my level of neuroticism goes down. I also suspect my conscientiousness, agreeableness,  openness to experience goes up. With more rest, as I have had the last several days, I feel a bit more energetic, am more able to get things done, feel more friendly towards others and myself, and am more interested in life in general.

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A current snapshot….

My main practice is relaxation and sleep these days, which is sorely needed in the recovery phase after chronic fatigue.

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Facing North – Meredith Monk

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Very occasionally, I go to my Feedly and enjoy taking a look at a variety of blogs, including some on integral and Buddhist topics.

It is a good reminder that all blogs find their own niche. Many Buddhist and integral blogs do sophisticated and in-depth analysis of a variety topics, and offer an important and compassionate service that way. I enjoy reading it, and find a great deal of appreciation for what they do.

And in some ways, it makes it clearer to me that this blog is more about simplicity. Simple and often obvious reminders, which is what I need in my own life right now.

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I came across the NEO PI personality test online, and did the short version.

My answers to some of the questions would be different at other times of my life, but overall, the result seems pretty accurate for me now.

Here is the short version of the results: Average extraversion, high agreeableness, high conscientiousness, low neuroticism, high openness to experience.

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This is something I noticed most in my teens and early twenties, and only occasionally nowadays – for example today.

When I am energetic and in a good mood, and try to hold onto it, it tends to swing into its reverse the day after.

And if I make use if it, but with less identification, it is fine. Usually, it just naturally fades and then returns when it is time.

The identification is of course with stories saying “I need to hold onto it”. And the backlash comes because it is not true. I am at odds with reality when I believe those type of stories, and life is kind enough to let me know in different ways. First, through stress as it happens. And for me, and possibly others, by swinging into the opposite.

draft….

This is something I usually don’t write about or mention to anyone. Mainly because it is irrelevant to what is really important in life, and also because it is such a magnet for projections and misunderstandings. Also, it has little to do with the point of this post. But it does belong to the background info of this post.

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Why am I writing this blog?

The honest answer is that I don’t know. So it is good I don’t really need to know.

I used to have a paper journal, and then decided to move it to this blog to see what would happen. Would I connect with like minded people? Would I get “hey stupid” type comments, or at least alternative perspectives, which would help me recognize something new about a topic or myself? Would it help me move beyond where I am?

I did make some connections. Disappointingly few leave “hey stupid” type comments, so not much to learn there. And I am not sure if it has helped me move beyond where I am, although it may have in some areas.

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A brief update on the chronic fatigue….

I have been blessed to come in contact with an excellent herbalist who, among other things, worked for ten years mainly with people who had chronic fatigue. It is a reminder of how simple changes can make a big difference, in this case taking a few common herbs and vitamins, and getting more sleep.

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I sometimes don’t want to admit to myself that a certain story feels true. It comes up as a feeling or image. It feels true for me at a gut level. But at the same time, it goes against a familiar story I have held as true for a long time and am not quite ready to let go of.

This happens naturally in life. Circumstances change. We have new experiences. Things shift.

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I have spent the last few years exploring different techniques, and now it seems time to leave the more elaborate tools – for a while, at least – and go back to simplicity.

Much of that is what I have written about regularly here….

Allowing and being with experience, as it is, with kindness and heart. Noticing resistance to experience, and impulses to hold onto it, and allow that too with heart and kindness. Noticing any content of experience – including pain, resistance, impulses, a sense of doer, a sense of observer – and allow it all as it is, with kindness.

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During the nights now, there is a sense of all drifting. Of all being in flow. It pulls any sense of having a sense of solid ground to stand on with it, which makes it difficult to hold onto a sense of a separate “I” – a center located in space and anchored on particular sensations.

It may be because I still have a very low grade flu.

In any case, it is an invitation to notice that ground – or those anchor points – for a sense of a separate I. To explore the dynamics around it, and notice what happens when it – the image of a doer/observer and the sensations it is anchored on – is noticed as content of experience just like any other content of experience.

I also notice the slight fear that comes up , and how comfortable that sense of a center seems. It is familiar. Has been around for a long time. (With some vacations.) And there are stories saying that something terrible will happen if identification is released out of it, if I find myself as the mystery all content of experience is the play of.

I don’t notice it much during the day since attention then has many places to go. But during the night, the flow of content goes into the foreground, pulling – almost – anchors, ground and “I” out to sea with it.

When I resist, it is uncomfortable. When I find curiosity and allow it as it is, it is quite different.

And when attention goes to the murmurs of fear, allowing it as it is with kindness, the sense of the flow and pull as “other” softens and falls away.

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As soon as what I write or talk about start to feel a little boring, repetitive and abstract, it shows me that I am too quick to go into familiar stories. It is a nudge to look a little closer, to find what is more honest for me, what is alive in immediate experience.

And to be honest, that happens quote often when I write posts in this blog. The impulse to write about something comes from a genuine, alive and juicy experience and insight, which is then followed by going into familiar stories about it. I may refine those stories a little, take them a little further, but there is not so much juice and aliveness there. And I am missing out of an opportunity to explore it further in immediacy, into unfamiliar territoriy, and possibly surprise myself.

I get bored with it. And I am sure others do to.

It is a good thing. This is another type of feedback that I wouldn’t want to be without. It is life being kind. A gentle and persistent nudge, an open and continuing invitation to be more honest.

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A brief update…..

It seems very simple now.

Eat well, mostly. In my case, leaving out dairy, sugar and wheat for the most part. Adding in herbs (rhodiola, eleuthero, cayenne etc.) and herbal + spice teas.

Sleep well, get enough sleep and rest, including taking naps during the day when I can.

Nurture nurturing relationships. Seek out relationships that nurture me, and find ways to allow them to nurture me further. (Including through sincerity, honesty.)

Be with experience as it is, with kindness. Notice when I don’t through the usual symptoms (stress, sense of unease, wanting to be somewhere else, separation), and take that as a reminder to shift into allowing experience, as it is, with heart and kindness.

Sometimes inquire into beliefs. Notice the symptoms of taking a viewpoint as true (same as above), and take that as an invitation to identify and inquire into the story to find what is (already) more true for me.

Go for walks, including in nature whenever I can. (Went for a four hour walk in the woods yesterday.)

Live with integrity. Notice when something doesn’t feel quite honest, and shift into more honesty in what I say and how I live my life. (Same as above. Notice symptoms. Shifts into allowing the experience as is, with kindness. Notice and inquire beliefs that stop me from living with more honesty.)

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Dear readers,

I don’t know who you are, for the most part, or if you feel that some of what I write about here is helpful to you. After all, it is more about my own process.

In any case, I should let you know that I am moving from Oregon to Norway in about a week. Since my life is colored by where I live, it means that this blog will most likely change as well. It will happen organically, so I can’t predict how yet. Fewer posts? More posts? Different content? More intimate? Will it be more transparent and personal, and with my real name? I don’t know.

I may stay in Norway for 6 months, one or two years, or for the rest of my life, although I suspect I will be moving back to the US within a couple of years. It seems that more or all of my longer term compass needles point to the Bay area.

As you may know, I have been going through a classic dark night phase for a few years now. Life in general is a humbling process, and the last few years has been humbling in a good – and at times painful – way. I don’t know if I have learned more, or if I am more mature or not, but what I do know is that I have gone through things I thought I knew and knew how to live from, and had to face it in situations that were far more challenging, and at a deeper emotional and bodily level. The dark night phase started by going out of alignment with what was more true for me, and it happened through a certain type of foolishness and arrogance, through telling myself I could work with any situation even if it went against what my heart told me. Moving to Norway now is – hopefully – a step in coming back into alignment.

In any case, whoever you are, I hope you have found something here useful, at the very least as a mirror for yourself. All the best wishes to you.

My main practice these days is island practice and fear practice.

I notice islands of density, of contraction, identification with viewpoints and images. Then a shift into allowing them as they are, and as if they would never change, and with heart and kindness. And then noticing what they really are. How do they show up in the sense fields? Is it really what it appears to be? Is it solid? Substantial? Lasting? When I bring attention to them, can any label easily be put on it? Is it anything else than awareness itself, awake no-thing appearing as something?

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My experience since the initial awakening is that “everything” is insubstantial and awareness itself. Whatever I see is God.

But this “everything” is only a rough everything. It leaves something out: smaller islands of density.

These function as anchors for a sense of I located in space, on sensations, and created through an overlay of images. There is a sense of a doer and observer located in and around the head area, located on sensations there (in my case and right now, created through a slight muscle tension in the upper neck and through the tongue slightly pressing against the back and upper part of my mouth), with an overlay of images of a doer and observer, images displacing some of those sensations so the sense of an observer is more around and outside of the head, and - crucially - images and stories telling me that is what I am.

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My practices right now are mostly those woven into my daily life, although I am doing some formal practice and am drawn to do more.

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A little snapshot…

• Everything is recognized as awakeness itself, as no thing appearing as something.
• There is a sense of a center in this field of awakeness-emptiness-form. This center seems more solid and dense, although when attention goes to it, it is recognized as sensations and images, and awakeness itself.
• This center comes from an identification with a doer/observer in the head area. I notice that it is a gestalt, made up of sensations and images, but there is still identification there. The “volume” of this identification goes up and down throughout the day.
• There is still being caught up in beliefs and emotional identifications, although these are often recognized as that as they happen.
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Luminosity above, luminous black below. Also see previous post.

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Of the many flavors of awakening, here are three that are especially interesting to me…

To see all as God…. Recognize in immediate awareness all as awareness itself, as no thing appearing as something. And then let go of even that, leaving only the mystery. This helps reorganize and realign the view, so it is more fluid, less identification with specific perspectives and identities, easier to recognize the truth in any story, and easier to recognize stories as having temporary and limited practical value in specific situations only.

To love all as God…. An open heart that leaves nothing out, because it is all God. This helps reorganize and realign the heart to stay open, and makes it easier to shift into it if it is not.

To feel all as God… A felt-sense, in the body, of all as God. This helps reorganize and realign emotions, from reactivity to a sense of fullness and nurturing support, and also reflecting a basic felt-sense trust in what is, whatever it is.

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Our experience of time is fluid… expanded, condensed, not there at all. 

This morning seems like ages ago. And there is no gap between now and what happened decades back. 

When I do bodywork, seconds and minute details can unfold worlds of experience, yet a session is over in the blink of an eye. 

Noticing this fluidity in our experience of time is an invitation for inquiry. 

What is this experience of time? What do I find when I look into it?

Do I find past and future as mental field creations only? Do I find past, present and future as one package, all happening within the mental field?

Memories strung together. Scenarios of the future. Images of the present. All tied together into one seamless experience of time, and completely fluid and mallable because it is all imagined. No gap to something that happened years ago. An infinity of experience in a second. All happening within and as timelessness. 

In noticing this mental field overlay creating the experience of time, I notice all happening as timelessness. 

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