I took the brief online NEO PI test again.

My energy level fluctuates some due to the chronic fatigue, which is reflected in some of these results. When I feel better, as I do now, my level of extraversion goes up slightly, and my level of neuroticism goes down. I also suspect my conscientiousness, agreeableness,  openness to experience goes up. With more rest, as I have had the last several days, I feel a bit more energetic, am more able to get things done, feel more friendly towards others and myself, and am more interested in life in general.

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A current snapshot….

My main practice is relaxation and sleep these days, which is sorely needed in the recovery phase after chronic fatigue.

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Facing North - Meredith Monk

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Very occasionally, I go to my Feedly and enjoy taking a look at a variety of blogs, including some on integral and Buddhist topics.

It is a good reminder that all blogs find their own niche. Many Buddhist and integral blogs do sophisticated and in-depth analysis of a variety topics, and offer an important and compassionate service that way. I enjoy reading it, and find a great deal of appreciation for what they do.

And in some ways, it makes it clearer to me that this blog is more about simplicity. Simple and often obvious reminders, which is what I need in my own life right now.

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I came across the NEO PI personality test online, and did the short version.

My answers to some of the questions would be different at other times of my life, but overall, the result seems pretty accurate for me now.

Here is the short version of the results: Average extraversion, high agreeableness, high conscientiousness, low neuroticism, high openness to experience.

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This is something I noticed most in my teens and early twenties, and only occasionally nowadays - for example today.

When I am energetic and in a good mood, and try to hold onto it, it tends to swing into its reverse the day after.

And if I make use if it, but with less identification, it is fine. Usually, it just naturally fades and then returns when it is time.

The identification is of course with stories saying “I need to hold onto it”. And the backlash comes because it is not true. I am at odds with reality when I believe those type of stories, and life is kind enough to let me know in different ways. First, through stress as it happens. And for me, and possibly others, by swinging into the opposite.

Why am I writing this blog?

The honest answer is that I don’t know. So it is good I don’t really need to know.

I used to have a paper journal, and then decided to move it to this blog to see what would happen. Would I connect with like minded people? Would I get “hey stupid” type comments, or at least alternative perspectives, which would help me recognize something new about a topic or myself? Would it help me move beyond where I am?

I did make some connections. Disappointingly few leave “hey stupid” type comments, so not much to learn there. And I am not sure if it has helped me move beyond where I am, although it may have in some areas.

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A brief update on the chronic fatigue….

I have been blessed to come in contact with an excellent herbalist who, among other things, worked for ten years mainly with people who had chronic fatigue. It is a reminder of how simple changes can make a big difference, in this case taking a few common herbs and vitamins, and getting more sleep.

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I sometimes don’t want to admit to myself that a certain story feels true. It comes up as a feeling or image. It feels true for me at a gut level. But at the same time, it goes against a familiar story I have held as true for a long time and am not quite ready to let go of.

This happens naturally in life. Circumstances change. We have new experiences. Things shift.

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I have spent the last few years exploring different techniques, and now it seems time to leave the more elaborate tools - for a while, at least - and go back to simplicity.

Much of that is what I have written about regularly here….

Allowing and being with experience, as it is, with kindness and heart. Noticing resistance to experience, and impulses to hold onto it, and allow that too with heart and kindness. Noticing any content of experience - including pain, resistance, impulses, a sense of doer, a sense of observer - and allow it all as it is, with kindness.

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During the nights now, there is a sense of all drifting. Of all being in flow. It pulls any sense of having a sense of solid ground to stand on with it, which makes it difficult to hold onto a sense of a separate “I” - a center located in space and anchored on particular sensations.

It may be because I still have a very low grade flu.

In any case, it is an invitation to notice that ground - or those anchor points - for a sense of a separate I. To explore the dynamics around it, and notice what happens when it - the image of a doer/observer and the sensations it is anchored on - is noticed as content of experience just like any other content of experience.

I also notice the slight fear that comes up , and how comfortable that sense of a center seems. It is familiar. Has been around for a long time. (With some vacations.) And there are stories saying that something terrible will happen if identification is released out of it, if I find myself as the mystery all content of experience is the play of.

I don’t notice it much during the day since attention then has many places to go. But during the night, the flow of content goes into the foreground, pulling - almost - anchors, ground and “I” out to sea with it.

When I resist, it is uncomfortable. When I find curiosity and allow it as it is, it is quite different.

And when attention goes to the murmurs of fear, allowing it as it is with kindness, the sense of the flow and pull as “other” softens and falls away.

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As soon as what I write or talk about start to feel a little boring, repetitive and abstract, it shows me that I am too quick to go into familiar stories. It is a nudge to look a little closer, to find what is more honest for me, what is alive in immediate experience.

And to be honest, that happens quote often when I write posts in this blog. The impulse to write about something comes from a genuine, alive and juicy experience and insight, which is then followed by going into familiar stories about it. I may refine those stories a little, take them a little further, but there is not so much juice and aliveness there. And I am missing out of an opportunity to explore it further in immediacy, into unfamiliar territoriy, and possibly surprise myself.

I get bored with it. And I am sure others do to.

It is a good thing. This is another type of feedback that I wouldn’t want to be without. It is life being kind. A gentle and persistent nudge, an open and continuing invitation to be more honest.

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A brief update…..

It seems very simple now.

Eat well, mostly. In my case, leaving out dairy, sugar and wheat for the most part. Adding in herbs (rhodiola, eleuthero, cayenne etc.) and herbal + spice teas.

Sleep well, get enough sleep and rest, including taking naps during the day when I can.

Nurture nurturing relationships. Seek out relationships that nurture me, and find ways to allow them to nurture me further. (Including through sincerity, honesty.)

Be with experience as it is, with kindness. Notice when I don’t through the usual symptoms (stress, sense of unease, wanting to be somewhere else, separation), and take that as a reminder to shift into allowing experience, as it is, with heart and kindness.

Sometimes inquire into beliefs. Notice the symptoms of taking a viewpoint as true (same as above), and take that as an invitation to identify and inquire into the story to find what is (already) more true for me.

Go for walks, including in nature whenever I can. (Went for a four hour walk in the woods yesterday.)

Live with integrity. Notice when something doesn’t feel quite honest, and shift into more honesty in what I say and how I live my life. (Same as above. Notice symptoms. Shifts into allowing the experience as is, with kindness. Notice and inquire beliefs that stop me from living with more honesty.)

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Dear readers,

I don’t know who you are, for the most part, or if you feel that some of what I write about here is helpful to you. After all, it is more about my own process.

In any case, I should let you know that I am moving from Oregon to Norway in about a week. Since my life is colored by where I live, it means that this blog will most likely change as well. It will happen organically, so I can’t predict how yet. Fewer posts? More posts? Different content? More intimate? Will it be more transparent and personal, and with my real name? I don’t know.

I may stay in Norway for 6 months, one or two years, or for the rest of my life, although I suspect I will be moving back to the US within a couple of years. It seems that more or all of my longer term compass needles point to the Bay area.

As you may know, I have been going through a classic dark night phase for a few years now. Life in general is a humbling process, and the last few years has been humbling in a good - and at times painful - way. I don’t know if I have learned more, or if I am more mature or not, but what I do know is that I have gone through things I thought I knew and knew how to live from, and had to face it in situations that were far more challenging, and at a deeper emotional and bodily level. The dark night phase started by going out of alignment with what was more true for me, and it happened through a certain type of foolishness and arrogance, through telling myself I could work with any situation even if it went against what my heart told me. Moving to Norway now is - hopefully - a step in coming back into alignment.

In any case, whoever you are, I hope you have found something here useful, at the very least as a mirror for yourself. All the best wishes to you.

My main practice these days is island practice and fear practice.

I notice islands of density, of contraction, identification with viewpoints and images. Then a shift into allowing them as they are, and as if they would never change, and with heart and kindness. And then noticing what they really are. How do they show up in the sense fields? Is it really what it appears to be? Is it solid? Substantial? Lasting? When I bring attention to them, can any label easily be put on it? Is it anything else than awareness itself, awake no-thing appearing as something?

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My experience since the initial awakening is that “everything” is insubstantial and awareness itself. Whatever I see is God.

But this “everything” is only a rough everything. It leaves something out: smaller islands of density.

These function as anchors for a sense of I located in space, on sensations, and created through an overlay of images. There is a sense of a doer and observer located in and around the head area, located on sensations there (in my case and right now, created through a slight muscle tension in the upper neck and through the tongue slightly pressing against the back and upper part of my mouth), with an overlay of images of a doer and observer, images displacing some of those sensations so the sense of an observer is more around and outside of the head, and - crucially - images and stories telling me that is what I am.

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My practices right now are mostly those woven into my daily life, although I am doing some formal practice and am drawn to do more.

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A little snapshot…

• Everything is recognized as awakeness itself, as no thing appearing as something.
• There is a sense of a center in this field of awakeness-emptiness-form. This center seems more solid and dense, although when attention goes to it, it is recognized as sensations and images, and awakeness itself.
• This center comes from an identification with a doer/observer in the head area. I notice that it is a gestalt, made up of sensations and images, but there is still identification there. The “volume” of this identification goes up and down throughout the day.
• There is still being caught up in beliefs and emotional identifications, although these are often recognized as that as they happen.

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Luminosity above, luminous black below. Also see previous post.

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Of the many flavors of awakening, here are three that are especially interesting to me…

To see all as God…. Recognize in immediate awareness all as awareness itself, as no thing appearing as something. And then let go of even that, leaving only the mystery. This helps reorganize and realign the view, so it is more fluid, less identification with specific perspectives and identities, easier to recognize the truth in any story, and easier to recognize stories as having temporary and limited practical value in specific situations only.

To love all as God…. An open heart that leaves nothing out, because it is all God. This helps reorganize and realign the heart to stay open, and makes it easier to shift into it if it is not.

To feel all as God… A felt-sense, in the body, of all as God. This helps reorganize and realign emotions, from reactivity to a sense of fullness and nurturing support, and also reflecting a basic felt-sense trust in what is, whatever it is.

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Our experience of time is fluid… expanded, condensed, not there at all. 

This morning seems like ages ago. And there is no gap between now and what happened decades back. 

When I do bodywork, seconds and minute details can unfold worlds of experience, yet a session is over in the blink of an eye. 

Noticing this fluidity in our experience of time is an invitation for inquiry. 

What is this experience of time? What do I find when I look into it?

Do I find past and future as mental field creations only? Do I find past, present and future as one package, all happening within the mental field?

Memories strung together. Scenarios of the future. Images of the present. All tied together into one seamless experience of time, and completely fluid and mallable because it is all imagined. No gap to something that happened years ago. An infinity of experience in a second. All happening within and as timelessness. 

In noticing this mental field overlay creating the experience of time, I notice all happening as timelessness. 

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Sometimes, synchronicities draw attention to their content.

And other times, their content may not seem so significant.

For instance, I may be out walking and a quietly insistent image of meeting a friend comes up. A few minutes later, I meet that person.

Or an image of an unusual scarf I saw last year on a stranger comes up the same way, I find the same (type of) scarf one or two days later in a second hand store, and buy it.

In these cases, what remains are questions…

Is it true that the world is made up of separate objects?

If not, what are some possibilities? Is there is one movement within existence, expressed through what appears  as local changes in separate things? (As the mystics say.)

If so, what does it mean for me and how I live my life?

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From my days in the non-profit world, I learned that there are many out there who have surplus money and look for somewhere to invest it. So here it goes: an opportunity to donate to Mystery of Existence. And I thought, if I am going to welcome donations, why not offer a wide range of options.

I should be honest here and say that I although I live frugally (by choice), I have what I need materially. Which is not to say that I wouldn’t appreciate a surprise which pays for another year of blog hosting, a cup of tea, or a retreat…!

I spent an interesting night at the ER with kidney stones on the move. (Not out yet.)

And what comes up the most is gratitude… for modern medicine, hospitals, friendly and skilled staff, and being able to get there in just a few minutes from where I live. Very appropriate, since yesterday was Thanksgiving and I had explored what I have to be thankful for. 

I also noticed, and find an easy gratitude for, the pressure valves of pain… When it gets too intensive, the experience of it shifts. It becomes something else. And there are also the temporary and very welcome distractions through movement and sounds. 

And then finding myself with one foot in the world of what I am, and one foot in who I am. It all happened within clarity and a quiet joy. A clarity inherent in what is, independent of its content. A quiet joy inherent in any experience, independent of its content. And then the human self doing its thing, in excellent fashion, including twisting, grunting and moaning in pain. (And discovering that the child’s pose helps alleviate the pain, as does a hot water bottle on the painful area.)

I also got to notice what thought does with this. Coming home, I looked up kidney stones online (Wikipedia, Mayo Clinic, etc.) and realized that I do not fit the profile at all for having kidney stones. I drink lots of water daily. I use my body. There is no history of it in my near family. I have a low protein diet. I do not drink coke or other soft drinks. I am younger than what is typical. 

Up until reading this, I was fine with having kidney stones. It was just another adventure. But after reading it, the thought came up that I shouldn’t have them! Why me? I am doing everything “right” so why did I still get them? 

And then seeing the silliness of it, and a release. Kidney stones are guests, as anything else. Temporary. Inviting me to just experience, and also notice what is happening. 

Finally, the slight hesitation or apprehension coming up. The stone or stones are not out yet, so it is quite possible that I will experience that pain again as they move through or want to move through. And then appreciation for that too, because it is just the human self taking care of itself. It experienced something unpleasant, it may return, so it naturally is apprehensive. And that has a function. In this case, it helps me take the pain medication even if I currently don’t experience much pain.

I mentioned exploring the overlay of images on top of immediate perception.

An overlay of images, and thoughts mimicking the other sense fields, on top of perception. Interpreting it. Asking questions about. And essential for our human self to function in the world.

It can be quite interesting - and helpful - to explore this overlay. First, through dedicated sessions. Then, as it happens in daily life.

Some of the things I find so far…

My world is made up of these images. If I recognize them as images, they become a guideline for actions. If I take them as real and substantial, I act as if they are real and substantial. I act as if what they tell me about the world is true. (As if innocent questions are statements, and these statements are true.)

Any drama happens among these images. More specifically, between the images making up a sense of “I” and other images it relates to. And it happens to the extent that these images, and the relationships among them (interpreted and represented by more images), are taken as substantial and real.

Many practices work on healing these images, such as prayer, tong len, the first ngöndro practice (visualizing all beings taking refuge in the Buddha), well wishing, and so on. And as these images heal, my world changes. Or rather, the world and atmosphere this human self functions within changes. (Easily coexisting with the more conventional and consensus reality images, still used as practical guidelines in the world.)

The mental field overlay, and all of the sense fields, are awakeness itself. They are empty. Awake. Form. One appearing in each of those ways, depending on how the mental field filters it.

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Spiritual teacher Adyashanti describes how in the development of human consciousness, there comes a shift from a sense of a separate self toward the experience of unity. He points out that the fear of losing our individual identity keeps us from making this shift, and by confronting our fear we come into love. Adyashanti also suggests that reaching a point of crisis can allow an opportunity for consciousness to shift, individually and collectively.

Any teaching is an explicit pointer for inquiry. Is it true? What do I find when I explore it for myself?

And any thought - independent of source or content - is really a question. Is it true? What happens if I use it as a temporary guideline for action? Is there another that seems more appropriate in this situation? When is this particular thought helpful as a guideline? If I can’t find anything else, maybe it can help loosen identification with its reversal?

So even a simple summary of a teaching - such as the one above - can be very helpful. (Here is the video it refers to.)

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If many of the topics here seem simple, universal and life 101, it is because they are…! It is when I explore them for myself that they become juicy, sometimes reveal a great deal of detail, and can invite in some quite noticeable shifts.

Thought may say some variation of that is obvious: It is too general and universal. It makes you look naive. There is too much repetition here. Why not explore something that is more interesting at a thought level?

But I still keep coming back to it, for what is revealed when it is explored with some sincerity and receptivity.

As a thought itself, what I write here has little or no value. But as a pointer for exploration of what is alive here now, it is quite different.

And that is how it is with any thought, whether it (appears to) come from myself or someone else, and independent of its content.

As a thought itself, it is just a thought. As a belief - something to take as true or reject as false - it creates stress. As a question - explored with some sincerity and receptivity - it may have a great deal of value.

Slideshow of photos taken recently and going back a few years.

When synchronicities happen, they invite in a few questions.

First some general questions: Even if objects appear separate, are they really? And what are “objects” in the first place? Are there objects? How do they appear in the sense fields? Also, how does meaning appear? How does a mental field overlay create a sense of meaning?

And then a few questions about its content: Is there some significance to the particular content of this synchronicity? What is the meaning for me in it? Does it point to something I would benefit from paying more attention to?

Most of the time, it seems that synchronicities are aligned. What happens here - a situation, thought, dream, conversation, activity - is aligned with the meaningful and acausal coinsidence out there, whatever it may be - a song on the radio, an ad on a bus, a phone call.

For instance, one day in my late teens, I was on the light rail in Oslo while reading Jung’s book on synchronicities. He recounted how fish appeared throughout his day as he was writing about fish symbolism, in his client’s dreams, the dinner his wife made and so on. I looked up as a man sat down on across from me, placing a plastic bag on the empty seat directly opposite to me. It’s front faced me, and it had a large image of two fish nose-to-tail in a circle. It was a fish market bag. 

But synchronicities can also be reversed. What happens out there may be reversed from what happens here. I experienced this during a dinner with my wife this weekend. As she said something about me being “understated”, there was a loud crash in the room. A waitress had dropped a glass and it shattered on the floor close to our table. I was curious about it for a while. In what way is the crash a meaningful response to describing me as “understated”?

I found it as an invitation to bring in the other end of the polarity. I am quite familiar and comfortable with being understated, in many situations, but can benefit from sometimes bringing in the other end of the polarity and be more free in relation to both ways of being in the world. And the crash helped remind me of that, in a way that was difficult to overlook.

Of course, we can see synchronicities as saying something about the world in general. The world of form is one seamless flow, expressed in what we may perceive as separate situations and objects.

More importantly, synchronicities have meaning for us. We are the ones who notice - and interpret - something as a synchronicity. And our attention is drawn to its content for a reason. Our mind is looking for something to project something onto, and this is a good candidate. It is meaningful for us, and that is its value and meaning. It helps us explore our life in a slightly different way.

And synchronicities are just one way this happens. The same invitation may come up in dreams (dreaming that I am more bold, visible and out there in the world), life (finding myself in a situation where that is required of me), attractions (being attracted to or fascinated by someone having those qualities), aversion (aversion towards people who are onesided in that polarity), beliefs (stress helping me find and explore my beliefs around it), and much more.

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