I keep noticing that my brain seems to not function properly, and I also have that sense energetically.

In terms of symptoms, there is a sense of fragmentation of the psyche, and of the executive functions not operating properly (decision making, attention etc.).

It may have several reasons: (a) Leaving my guidance some years back (out of fear and a belief), (b) diksha (seemed to rewire my brain in a way that had unfortunate side-effects), and (c) chronic fatigue (often associated with executive function problems). The sense of fragmentation may also come from a great deal of shadow material surfacing over the last few years, including a range of subpersonalities operating from different worldviews and beliefs.

And some ways of working with it:

Connecting with the soul space and the flame, and asking the divine (Christ) for healing, resolution, your will be done.

Inviting in Ilahinoor.

Doing ho’o on the brain and the unusual (scattered) energetic feeling.

Holding satsang with what’s there – the symptoms.

A shift in center of gravity


Here is a shift I find difficult to put into words, perhaps because it’s not very clear to me yet.

In my late teens and twenties, Spirit recognized itself as all without exception. Yet the center of gravity was in the clarity, the light etc.. And that was also the center of gravity when looking at whatever pain or confusion surfaced. There was a slight identification as light, clarity and love, and although the rest was recognized as Spirit too, it was slightly “other” as well.

Then, in my thirties, there was a shift. Spirit still recognized itself as all, yet the center of gravity – the point of view – was more from within the confusion, identification and darkness. There was, and is, a finding of healing from within and as the confusion and pain. Spirit couldn’t anymore identify more as light, clarity and love. This shift helped point out the previous slight, almost invisible (to me!) identification and preference.

This also seems like a shift from head and heart center, to heart and belly center. A shift from a slight identification with/as the head center and it’s clarity and light, to becoming more familiar with and as the belly center, with its luminous darkness and womb-like quality.

It makes sense. Spirit is all of it – light and dark, clarity and confusion, nonidentification and identification. So even a slight identification with one or the other, with – in this case – the thought or image of being more light and clarity than darkness and confusion, is out of alignment with reality, and reality will move to correct it and bring the conscious and felt view more into alignment with reality.

And all of this is images and labels. It’s all Spirit and a thought saying a particular appearance of Spirit is light and clarity, or darkness and confusion, or nonidentified or identified mind, or a slight identification.


Shut down


After I got the chronic fatigue (aka temporary fatigue, chronic vitality), I have had periods of shut down. The way it shows up now is (a) missing breakfast, (b) a small trigger, and (c) a sense of mental and physical shut down. The remedy is usually food (proteins), plenty of water, and time. It’s partly physical, and there is also a set of beliefs activated.

Here are some of the beliefs:

(a) About the current situation, if I am with others: It’s my fault. They will see me as weak. They won’t like me. They will reject me. I should have taken care of this a long time ago.

(c) About the shut down: I am a victim of this pattern. I am a victim of my body. I am a victim of these beliefs.

(b) And from early childhood: It’s hopeless. I can’t do it. Life is too difficult. It’s easier to shut down. It’s easier to be frozen. It’s safe to be frozen.


The Lord gathers his sheep


Ski, P., Herren henter sine får. Tiden er knapp.

Ski, P.. The Lord gathers his sheep. Time is short.

A friend of mine (BH) heard a voice saying this sentence a few days before we reconnected, after not having had much contact for about 20 years. Ski is where I lived in Norway at the time, and { is the first letter of my first name. She didn’t understand the meaning of it until we talked a few days later. And the way she understood it, which fits my experience, is that God (Spirit, Christ) is coming back for me, inviting me to come back into alignment, back into integrity, back to my inner guidance, back to alignment with Spirit (truth, love).



Some things I am asking the divine (Christ) for…..

Meeting what’s here – including beliefs, wounds, pain – with love, recognizing it as love, as the divine/Christ. For the divine/Christ to recognize what’s here as itself.

Deepening connection with the divine/Christ through the belly, heart and head centers, and especially the belly and heart.

Strengthen connection with the divine/Christ, for the connection to continue to strengthen, be unshakeable.

To plant a seed inside of beliefs/wounds so when they come up, I remember to breathe, feel, connect w the divine/Christ, ask divine/Christ for help, relate to it in the way that’s most clear/loving/helpful.


Robust health and vitality, natural strength. For the body to find its way to health, vitality and aliveness. For the body to know it’s OK for it to find its health and vitality. For the mind to find its way to health and clarity. For the mind to know it’s OK for it to find its way to health, rest and clarity.

To have a good, easy, enjoyable income, abundance, no lack of money.

To heal anything frozen, paralyzed in me, heal any insecure attachment patterns.

To bring healing and resolution into my recurrent childhood dream about the witch, representing the mother wound. Find love for the witch, clarity, understanding.


Guidance, receptivity to follow the guidance. Meeting fear – of following guidance – with respect, love.

Recognizing – see, feel, find love for – that what’s happening may be as good or better than what I wanted.

Trust that there is a divine intelligence/love behind what’s happening.

Confidence. Natural confidence.


Finding in myself what I seek in others. Finding in myself what I seek – love, comfort, nurturing, encouragement, guidance, clarity.

Process: (1) Connect with the soul center above the heart, and the flame there. (2) Follow it up the central channel up through the head. (3) Asking. Staying with it. (4) Bring attention back down to the heart and belly, anchoring.



As part of the darkness seeking the light, as Adya says it, heartache has surfaced off and on for the last one or two years.

Here are a few things I notice:

My sense is that it’s roots, in this life, is from quite early childhood. It may have to do with feeling that my mother sometimes didn’t meet my needs. It’s connected with being frozen and paralyzed, and also a pattern of hesitating when I am at the threshold of something good, and losing the opportunity. Here are some beliefs: I am unloved, unlovable. It’s hopeless. I can’t have what I want.

Although the sensations may be quite mild, it’s experienced strongly because of the beliefs attached to it. Here are some beliefs: Heartache means something terrible has happened. What could have been would have been better (than this).

And some ways to explore it:

Ho’oponopono on the heartache, my response, the situations associated with it.

Meeting it in satsang. Notice it is from love, is love, and meeting it with love. Notice it is awareness itself.

Feel, breathe, ask the divine (Christ) for healing, to be shown what I need to see, ask how it looks from the perspective of the divine (Big Mind/Heart/Belly, Christ).

Go into Big Heart, and meet and hold the parts of me that feels unloved from (within/as) Big Heart.

God takes over


There is the hologram that you have been identified with that spins and spins…then there is reality beyond that…the two are mutually exclusive…you asked for Self Realization…God takes over…what is yours is yours..Surrender to the mystery….love,b

God takes over.

It’s, of course, how it always is. If all is God, then all is God’s will, all is God’s love. Even what a thought may label bad, wrong, undesirable, unloving, identification, all of that too is God’s will, God’s love, and God.

And yet, something is different when there is a conscious shift into seeing this, and surrendering to God.

Surrender to God. What does that mean?

For me, it means surrendering to what is. What in me opposes what is? What beliefs and contracted fears are there? What’s more true than these? How is it to live from what’s already more true for me?

It also means following my inner guidance, my heart. What in me opposes following what this guidance tells me now? What fears are there? What stories do I tell myself to confuse myself so I am less receptive to this guidance? What is it “I” want that seems opposed to what is, and this guidance? What’s the fears behind it? What’s more real and true than these fears?

And it means surrendering to love and truth. If I am completely honest with myself and others, what will happen? Being completely honest is another way of losing control. As long as I hold back, as long as I tell little lies, I can maintain the thought that I am in control. Being completely honest, and I lose that illusion. What am I afraid would happen if I am completely honest? What fears are there? What’s more true for me? How would it be to live from this honesty?

I did ask for it, as Barry points out. I sat in front of the altar in Bodh Gaia for days prayer for full awakening no matter what it would cost. (In my early/mid twenties, of course, in the grip of youthful folly, and perhaps also a deeper wisdom.) And now, when I realize more fully, and at an emotional level, that “I” am not in control and never was, it brings up a lot of fear in me. There is really a sense of giving up control and giving my life more fully over to God. I have no idea what will happen, and I also see that I never did even when I earlier told myself I did.

Nothing has really changed. It’s all already God’s will. I never knew what would happen or where life would take me. And yet, it’s good to meet those fears me. Welcome them. Thank them for protecting me. Ask them how they wish me to be with them. Ask them what their deepest longing is, and what would satisfy them forever. Ask them who they are (in form) and what they really are.

And there is a change here too. Where I before had some confidence that I could follow and often achieve my personal wishes and preferences, it’s not like that anymore. At least, it seems to not be that way anymore. As a friend of mine said, there is my will, and your will, and then there’s God’s will. There is a sense of surrendering my personal will and preferences to God’s will, and much in me opposes it while it at the same time really wants it. It brings up neediness and fears in me. What if I won’t get what I want? What if I won’t get to fill the hole in me the way I thought I would fill it? There may be other, and more deeply satisfying, ways of filling those holes. And I don’t know what will happen. It may happen the way my personality wishes, and it may not. I don’t know.

KL: You’ve been clicking the ‘maybe’ button way too long


KL: my sense
KL: having known you for a while now
KL: is there there is always something
KL: to keep you from stepping forward
KL: and i’m not saying this in a judgmental way
KL: i do it myself
KL: i can resonate
KL: there’s always one more thing to keep me from fulfilling my dreams
KL: to keep me safe
KL: does that resonate?
MoE: yes
KL: maybe i’m just projecting
KL: ok
KL: so from my view it’s not the opportunity that’s taken away from you
KL: but rather ‘you’ hesitating to step forward into opportunity
KL: perhaps you would get there better through inquiry
KL: hm…
KL: i should shut up
MoE: don’t shut up
KL: ok
KL: well, i think that’s all i wanna say
MOE: ok
KL: life is an invitation
KL: and you’ve been clicking the ‘maybe’ button way too long

From a Skype chat earlier this morning. It’s all very true, and I wish to look at how I stop myself.

This is a common pattern in my life: I am at the threshold of what I want, what feels right. It may be a relationship, a field of study, a place to live, a place to visit, an invitation from a person, an institution or life itself. And I hesitate. I stop myself. And sometimes regret it afterward.

What fears are here? What’s the worst that can happen if I move forward, step forward into opportunity?

I Ching


I Ching on my current situation.

Cast Hexagram:

13 – T’ung Jên / Social Mechanism

Heaven reflects the Flame of clarity:

The Superior Person analyzes the various levels and working parts of the social structure, and uses them to advantage.

Success if you keep to your course.

You may cross to the far shore.


This is a matter of Positioning — not only yourself, but others as well.

There are niches to be filled, potentials to be realized, right livelihoods to be found.

You are not building a new organization, but shoring up an existing infrastructure.

It’s worth the effort, because it will provide union, community, and an ironclad alliance.

Changing Lines:

There is One Changing Line.

Hexagram Thirteen/Line Five

He is drawn to another.

He fights the attraction fiercely, but his later surrender brings joy.

Transformed Hexagram:

 30 – Li / Igniting

Fire sparks more Flames:

The Superior Person holds an inner Fire that ignites passion in every heart it touches, until all the world is enlightened and aflame.

With so searing a flame, success will not be denied you.

Take care to be as peaceful and nurturing as the cow in the meadow; you are strong enough to be gentle.


A Promethean flame is delivering light and heat to the situation at hand.

This radiance will cause such an alchemical transformation of circumstances that the changes will seem magical, miraculous.

Yet they are only shifts of perspective and attitude that bring clarity.

The passions kindled by this fire must be harnessed and used judiciously, or they threaten to consume your hopes and dreams.


Barry: There is a time to press against things


It often looks the very hardest before you break through. Just remember that when the chick wants to get out of the egg, it must peck it’s way out.  Same with the butterfly out of the chrysalis. It must work and wrestle against the containment.  Birth on this level requires effort. It is how our fledgling corporal ego develops.  There is a time to press against things.  Now is the time. You know what to do.  Sometimes you just have to go look in the mirror and say to your self that you do and your going to do it.  Years ago I heard this inside at a time like you’re in.  “I AM, I can”.  Then I realized that the “I AM” the Self/God within me is doing this and is omnipotent.  You know what to do. Remember that the ego self is grasping to stay in control at these last moments. It will dissolve but it puts up its last fight first.  It desperately wants to keep you asleep believing you are powerless and victimized.  Remember, remember, this is the story. This is the great illusion.

– Barry in an email to me

Barry: Do you really know what is in your best interest?


Big picture, you are still going through dissolution even while you are integrating the consciousness of Self.  There are certain identities/patterns that aren’t resolved.  You are moving ahead in what matters.  You seem stuck in certain human identity patterns that what are resisting dissolution.  Remember what you are facing is your core “story”, the hologram that you ego is desperately attempting to keep alive to stay alive.  It wants to keep you in the circular pattern of worry, fear, struggle against, which all feeds it.  In the end it must all be surrendered, given over into the fathomless mystery of God.  If you fully give it over it will resolve. If you continue to give it energy, invest worry, fear, struggle into it, it will persist.  There’s an old song from the sixties by Janis Joplin that has a great line.  “Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose”.  Consider this deeply.  What is yours at a soul level is yours.  Do you really know what is in your best interest?  Do you know what is next?  Idealized images of what will make us happy, complete, full are the flip side of the coin of the demonized images of what we fear most. Both are the currency of the separate ego self sense. Consider this… How free do you want to be?  Are you ready to completely give it all up, to die?  Love, Barry

From an email to me from Barry.

All as Christ, and a flailing human self


This is nothing new, and is also experienced as new (and that is familiar too).

All is clearly Christ – the whole field of experience including what thoughts may label the wider world, this human self, and me and I. It’s what a thought may call Christ, presence, infinite wisdom, love.

And at the same time, as part of that, is this flailing human self afraid of everything. Wounded. Hurt. Sometimes confused. Sometimes content. Sometimes happy.

Heart area


About half a year ago, I started exploring the heart space above and to the right of the physical heart. At first, there was a cave there with a flame, and I could put my human self in the flame, allowing it to burn away anything not aligned with reality, and so on. After some weeks, the flame went into every cell and molecule of the body, and the cave appeared empty. Now, the cave is filled with the light of Christ – in a very way that’s very simple and ordinary.

There is also a sense of a mix of the head and belly centers there, and even of the golden and black luminosity. Placing my human self in the light of Christ, I notice how space itself – anywhere – is this light of Christ. Combining the passion and clarity of the head center, and the deep nurturing blackness of the belly center. I sometimes invite this light of Christ – infinitely wise and loving – into the darkest areas of the psyche and this human self, into the space and molecules of this human self, inviting it to work there.

And in this, there is also a noticing that the light of Christ is already there, and that what a thought may label a confused area of the psyche already is Christ, whether that’s noticed or not, and whether these areas of this human self are more or less consciously aligned with it.

Working on knot in belly


I woke up several times last night, briefly, noticing activity in the center of my belly, the tan tien area.

There was a sense of an intelligence working on a central knot in the belly.

I had asked my angels/guides to support me the evening before, around a specific topic. Perhaps there is a connection.

In any case, it’s interesting., and it’s all just a story – images in my own mind offering innocent suggestions about what it may be, what it may mean, etc.


Session with Barry


Some notes from a session with Barry:

Caught in a vicious loop. The core wounding becomes our identity. And the nature of identity is fear of nonexistence when the identity is threatened.

As it surfaces, it wants to be resolved. The ego knows it’s dying. It will hold its projections of its idealized future and life. If it gets those things, will (hopes/thinks it will) feel whole and complete. The seeking, grasping, keeps the circle going around and around.

Wounding and idealized life will go, dissolve. In the end, (there is) nothing external that we seek, or put anything on, that has any sense of joy or fulfillment, because it doesn’t exist.


Session with Barry


Brief summary of parts of tonight’s session with Barry:

A sense of numbness, paralyzed, especially around relationships.

Behind that, sadness. (Staying with the sadness, there is a sense it was transmitted to me through my parents.)

Behind that, images from childhood. The young me felt isolated, didn’t feel completely at home, felt that something was missing and didn’t quite know what.

From Christ level, reaching out, enveloping him, touching his heart.

He becomes the Christ child, relating to others at the soul level, as souls (whether they are aware of themselves as that or not). It’s beautiful.

Also, a sense that this needs to reach back through all incarnations and into all future incarnations. Enveloped by Christ, heart touched by Christ, infused by Christ.

We ended with bringing in the new level of grace, enveloping me/us completely, working at a cellular level. (May write about more another time.)



A few things going on now, much of it – I suspect – related to my sessions with Barry.

Right now:

A sense that identified mind (ancient mind, confused mind) and non-identified mind (clear mind) are the same. It’s as if the images held in my mind of the two being somehow separate are falling away. They are revealed as the same, as they are, of course. It’s one mind, and it can appear as identified (confused) and non-identified (clear) at the same time. Specifically, it appears as old wounds (beliefs, fears) surfacing at an emotional and physical level, coexisting with clear mind, and – when remembered – met with love and clarity, held in love and clarity, and with love and clarity inside of it.

There is a sense of heart surgery happening, with a quite physical soreness and achiness in the heart area. Old wounds, emotions, regrets etc. also surface. (These are not really old, they are created right here now.)

I have had periods of very strong (and inexplicable) nausea, perhaps related to something happening (releasing? working itself out?) in the belly and solar plexus area.

A few weeks now:

A sense that Christ (the divine, the light of Christ) is within and inside of all of me, including the darkest (most unresolved, most contracted) areas of the psyche. There is also a sense that the love and intelligence of this light of Christ is at work there.

An experience of Christ – the light of Christ, presence of Christ – in a more yin way, as very soft, deep relaxation, holding. During the initial phase of the awakening process, Christ was experienced as more fiery (filtered through head and heart centers). Now, it appears slightly different, as velvety soft (filtered through the belly center?).

In general, love is brought to whatever is here, when remembered, including – and perhaps especially – any resistance, fear etc. surfacing. I notice that behind the heart ache is sadness, grief and regrets, and I also notice a part of me seeking to go into blame, accusations and victimhood to protect me from feeling, experiencing and meeting that sadness. And that too can be met with love. It’s innocent, it’s there to protect me, and it’s love. Seeing that, it feels natural to meet it with love. When remembered….!


Scanning my body


In scanning my body, I notice….

My legs seems more “fuzzy” than the rest, perhaps because I haven’t paid much attention to my legs recently when I have scanned and invited in healing.

There is a sense of fullness and energy in my belly area.

There is a “break” in the energy in the diaphragm area, and less energy in the chest and higher up.

There is another “break” at the base of the scull/top two vertebrae.

My head, and especially the top of the head, feels almost absent energy wise.

In scanning, I notice what’s there, and invite in the divine/Christ to do what wisdom and love would do, invite in healing guided by the infinite wisdom and love of the divine/Christ presence. I sometimes also imagine/see the Christ presence inside of every cell and every atom and molecule, doing what infinite love and wisdom would do.

I also see that it makes sense that the head feels “absent” or “empty” energy wise. It’s temporarily “shut down” to bring attention to the belly.

Executive functions


There is a sense that a part of my mind/brain has not yet “clicked into place”. These used to be among my strengths, and then took a vacation during the chronic fatigue. Here are some as they show up for me:

Verbal fluency. Planning and decision making. Attention. Working memory. Learning/writing. Inhibition of impulses. Intentionally relating to emotions.

Today, I realize that these are all part of what’s called executive functions in psychology, and they all may well be related to the same area(s) of the brain.

It’s a relief to see this, even if it’s perhaps not helpful in a direct or practical sense. My herbalist tells me that this is typically among the last to return in the recovery process from chronic fatigue.

Session with Barry – #2 in new series


Notes from a recent session with Barry:

b: experience lack of mental clarity, confusion, age regression, when gets back to pre-verbal states, the whole mind goes back to pre-verbal states, it just needs love, safety, all the things it didn’t get then, then it can heal and redevelop, it was very helpful for me to see at the time when i went through it, the more developed parts of my mind knew things that transcended where i was having to go, then realized it doesn’t apply, got to go where that mind is

go back to places in the wounded child consciousness, penetrate those places that have been locked off, (see that they come from love, they are not an enemy)
they are doing their best, doing it out of love, just misguided
i wish i had understood more about love then, the importance of love, a much more effective and gentle way to deal with these things, Christ tried to get through to me
a place that wants love to, the place that feels totally hopeless
what is next, all you can do is stay with what is next, life is always attempting to bring forth more life, is bringing you what you need to experience to heal, so in time you’ll flower again, you had to go down to the roots of your being, deep deep healing, die back, die back, so it can begin to unfold again, an organic process, sometimes you feel stuck, and that’s just another step in the process, where that takes you, you can be assured that if you face it, embrace it, hold it all in love, something magical happens, love is the alchemical agency that heals everything

Chronic fatigue


Some of the things I have found helpful for chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS):

Walks, ideally in nature, and at least once a day.

Nurturing food. Slow cooked stews. (Current one: Beef, brussel sprouts, tomatoes, carrots, potatoes, peas, barley, beef stock.) Oatmeal for breakfast. (Steel cut with coconut flakes, raisins, sunflower seeds, soaked overnight, cooked with apple or banana.) Beef broth. Local fruits, berries, seeds and nuts, nori flakes. I also take ginger and cloves capsules with each meal to aid digestion, and eat just enough so I don’t feel uncomfortably full.

Staying well hydrated. I tend to drink enough so my urine is pale to clear. I mostly drink herbals and spice teas (ginger, licorice, nettle, many from the Yogi tea company), and also at times – especially at winter – beef broth.

Reducing or eliminating certain foods. For me: sugar, dairy, wheat, processed foods. (Based on the effects I notice for myself.)

Nurturing body centered activities. For me, Breema, TRE, massage. (Also yoga, tai chi, chi gong etc.)

Tension and Trauma Release Exercises (TRE). These invite the natural neurogenic tremors initiated and guided by the body, allowing for a gentle, gradual and eventually deep release of tension and trauma from our body-mind system. This thaws frozen areas of the body and mind, gently releases chronically held energy, and enlivens the body and mind. From what I hear, and what I experienced myself, it seems very helpful for chronic fatigue.

Taking care of myself. Saying an honest yes or no. Being more honest and transparent with myself and others.

True Meditation. Noticing what’s here is already allowed. Adyashanti’s guided meditations have been very helpful for me.

Inviting in a more stable attention. The easiest for me is to bring attention, gently, to the sensations at the nostrils as the natural (unmanipulated) breath goes in and out.

Identifying and inquiring into stressful thoughts about the fatigue and anything else in my life, using The Work.

Identifying and welcoming deficient selves, noticing they are not what I fundamentally am.

Welcoming what’s here – fears, discomfort, fatigue etc.

You are welcome here. Thank you for protecting me. Thank you for your love.

Herbs, vitamins and minerals. For me, vitamin D, magnesium, siberian ginseng (deep energy), echinacea (immune function), huperzine-a, rhodiola (mental clarity, quick energy), probiotics, and more recently Hanna Kroeger’s B.E. Kit (for chronic fatigue) and Tibetan Chulen (deep, full, soft energy). Adaptogens such as siberian ginseng and rhodiola help build energy and improves immune function.

Supporting deep, restful sleep. For me, with small doses of melatonin. Also, rest and take naps during the day, the more the better.

Nurture nurturing relationships – with my mind, body, others, life. Finding and connecting with understanding, loving and supportive friends.

Nurture nurturing and enlivening activities. For me, photography, being in nature, Breema, TRE, inquiry, reading, learning, being of service to myself and others.

Nurture a nurturing environment. In my case, beautiful, simple, peaceful, near/in nature, wood fire.

Engaging in activities that are fun, rewarding, meaningful, that spark passion and joy.


Session with Barry – #1 in new series


Notes from a recent session with Barry:

b: reestablishing re-connection with the divine – the light of god, love, fire. (Lost when moved to Wisconsin, clear inner guidance to leave / move back to Utah or Norway, didn’t follow it, closed down inner guidance/heart, sense of numbness of the heart, off track etc.)

b: when that presence is alive, fills your auric field, everything is in your essential nature, when it’s radiating out, the world orders itself to reflect that divinity
b: you continue to look at the stuff (beliefs etc.), which is important, beliefs limiting you, important to empty of patterns mind of limitation | also, simultaneously when full of divine love, then shift in a big way, something blocking the realization, the spark, once you connect with the divine, merge with it, bringing ones awareness, energy consciousness to it, the presence builds, opens the space of the auric field, the frequency goes up, radiate who you are | if you don’t do that, blocks in the subconscious, some parts of you may keep you from going there

Welcome the numbness


The dark night of the soul started when I moved to Wisconsin (for relationship reasons), and I stayed there even if my inner voice and guidance clearly told me to leave. After a while, my inner guidance shut down and my heart did as well. Now, there is a sense of numbness there, a numbness in my heart area. How is it to welcome it?

You are welcome here. You are already allowed, and I wish to intentionally welcome you as well.

I am sorry for having pushed you away. I am sorry for having made you into an enemy in my mind.

Please forgive me.

Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for your devotion for me. Thank you for protecting me. Thank you for your love.

I love you. I love you as you are. I love you for being love. I love you for your devotion to me.

Also, how is it to meet it, welcome it, feel it? Where in my body is the numbness the densest? What happens when I meet it, stay with it, welcome it? Does it stay? Change into something else? Where does the trail of breadcrumbs lead me?

Waking dream: Chamber with silver and gold


I wake up early and notice the effects of having had sugar last night.

As food reactions so often do for me, this one brings up some old wounds, fears, regrets, and beliefs. It shows me some of what’s left.

After some initial struggle and resistance, there is a shift into remembering what I wish for myself: Recognize it all as God (as awakeness), notice how it’s all already allowed and welcomed, find in me where I – as a human being – welcome it, notice it’s from worried love, notice my love for it.

I am still quiet in bed, and drift off into a dream state. I am in a quite beautiful stone hall. The stones are very light grey with a level surface. A chamber under the floor reveals itself to me. It’s beautifully ornamented, from the Italian Renaissance, and contains a large amount of silver, some gold, and some jewels.

As there is a shift from identified mind (resistance, struggle, caught up in images and beliefs) to non-identified mind (noticing it’s already welcome, it’s awakeness, it’s worried love, it’s loved), a treasure reveals itself.

Reflections on inviting in healing


Since I have been graced with the gift of inviting in healing for others, and it seems to be quite effective, I have been curious about what’s going on here.

What’s been clear from the beginning is that it’s God that allows for the healing.

This can be done believing that there is a me and I here inviting in healing for another. Or it can be clear that it’s all happening within and as my own world of images, and as awakeness. (Some folks would say it’s God inviting in healing for itself, through the appearance of a human being here asking for healing for another human being.) It’s all happening within my world of images, it’s all happening within and as awakeness: The perceived problem, the asking, one person asking on behalf of another, the perceived healing.

Also, what’s the focus for the healing? One way is to invite the illness itself to heal. When I did this, it felt off. It rests on a series of assumptions, and these may not be as true as they initially appear. Another is to invite in healing for my relationship with the illness or perceived problem. Right now, this feels more comfortable.

When emotions or images surface in me, and I notice a tendency to push them away, I see that something else is more true for me.

(Can I find where it’s already allowed? Where it’s already welcomed by life, awareness? Can I find where I wish to consciously align with this reality? If so, then….)

You are welcome here. You are allowed to stay, as you are.

(Can I find where I have pushed it away? Where I have made it into an enemy in mind? If so, then….)

Please forgive me for having pushed you away for so long. Please forgive me for having made you into an enemy in my mind.

(Can I find where it’s devoted to me? Where it’s love? Where it’s worried love? If so, then….)

Thank you for being here for me. Thank you for your devotion to me. Thank you for your love.

(Can I find where it’s from love? Where it’s love? Can I find my love for it? If so, then….)

I love you. I love you for being there for me. I love you for your devotion for me. I love you, for no reason.

When I do this for what surfaces in me, I find that this is the love these parts of me seek. The welcome and love I find for what surfaces is the love I seek for myself. Something falls into place. And it’s all from seeing what’s already here.

So why not see if I can find the same when I see discomfort, suffering or illness in others? Why not meet that the same way?

Whether a thought says this is emotion or image is mine, or that illness and suffering is his or hers, why not see what happens if I welcome it. If I find where I am genuinely sorry for having pushed it away, made it into an enemy. If I thank it. If I find my genuine love for it.

The “old” way of doing healing – perceiving separate beings and a problem out there to be fixed – doesn’t seem to work for me anymore. It’s not true for me, and never was. This approach feels much more peaceful for me, it seems to be the next step for me. And – so far – it even seems to “work” in terms of inviting in healing in a conventional sense. And it happens in a much more peaceful way, a way that feels more honest for me.




In a conversation with Barry some months back, he mention that I had been through a regression phase, and am now starting to move forward again to pick up the pieces I missed the first time.

It fits my experience. My system went back in time, through my twenties, teens, childhood, infancy, even before birth. Traumas surfaced. Wounds. Beliefs formed or triggered at different times. And it all came up to be seen, felt, loved.

Now, there is a sense of moving forward through these phases of my life again, with an opportunity to learn and experience much that wasn’t seen, recognized, learned or experienced the first time.

An interesting and amusing note here is that this regression/progression also has included a renewed interest in my childhood comics. I bought a 50s style rocket and a Tintin figure on a motor bike, my early teens interest in UFOs was briefly reignited, I have visited Disneyland, gone roller skating, watched a lot of Japanese anime, and much more. And it feels like an integral part of the healing process, and in picking up the pieces left the first time.

What “works”


There is a sense that life wants me to investigate life in many different ways, and – of course – the turnaround is more true. I want that for myself.

Fear and discomfort still comes up, especially noticeable while in bed before falling asleep or after waking up.

I tried a set of questions the other day that earlier had been very helpful:

What if this experience will never change? What if it will always be here? Can I be OK with it? Can I find peace with it?

And this time, nothing happened. There was no shift, no change in how I related to it.

Instead, the question that’s more alive for me now came up:

It’s fear. TA: It’s peace.

Can I find it? Can I genuinely find how it – what I labeled fear – is peace? Can I find how there is also peace here?

It’s discomfort. TA: It’s comfort.

Can I find it? Can I find how what I labeled discomfort is discomfort?

And this is very much alive. Something happens. There is a sense of looking behind the veil of the initial label, the initial assumption, and finding something quite different.

What’s common for both of these inquiries is that they invite me to find what’s real for me, what’s honest for me, what’s genuinely here for me when I look.

What’s different between them is that one was very helpful a while back, and doesn’t seem to do much right now, and the other one is very much alive for me.