I scheduled a session with Barry to explore the core hurt I have noticed behind any reactivity (any beliefs, resistance to fear) that’s here. My words and experiences are in italic.
Core hurt, keep revisiting and revisiting, until the groove in the record gradually heals.
Ask to be taken to the seed, the root of the core wound.
I sense the deep integrity you have, I think you are pretty much out of the woods now.
Feel your desire to be taken back in space and time, regress back to the moment where the next piece of this core wounding occurred.
My mother, thinking/trusting she was there for me and she wasn’t, rejected me somehow. Feel dizzy, not grounded, stunned. The muscles in my calves tighten. She was a big part of my world, almost my whole world, and she wasn’t there for me.
Drop into the feeling, the emotional charge.
Anger. Hurt. Disbelief. Shaky. Numb. It’s safer to be numb. Feel it in my heart area. Raw. There is a decision to not fully be here. Uneasy feeling in stomach. Tightening jaw (anger). My sense it it happened very early. She may have been there physically but not otherwise, rejected me somehow. She had more than enough with her own life at the time.
There was a real need there, and that need not being met. See that your mother wasn’t able to be there. She was too full of her own considerations to be there, fully connect with you. It’s not rejection. She didn’t say “no” to you, or that she didn’t want to be there for me. She was too busy, too full of her own issues. Bring us full circle, give ourselves what we didn’t get. Otherwise, never ending search for the mother that wasn’t there, and we never get it, not from any woman, it doesn’t happen. Just end up playing the initial drama of the wounding. This is the final door out. You give up. There is no woman, no idealized woman, who can give you that or heal that for you. It can be a little bit of shattering experience, because so much of the self was built up around it. Now what. What is the purpose of relationship now.
God is love. Love is all there is. I am that.