Heartache

 

A heartache comes up, with an image of a situation from my early twenties.

I thank it for being there. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you for being there for me.

Thank you for supporting me. For wishing the best for me. For being devoted to me.

Thank you for loving me. For being love.

I love you.

I am sorry. I am sorry I have pushed you away for so long. I am sorry for having seen you as an enemy.

I am sorry for having made you into an “other”. I am sorry for not recognizing your love, your devotion to me.

I am sorry for not having recognized you as Spirit. I am sorry for not having taken that recognition seriously, to heart.

You have permission to be. You have permission to be here.

You don’t have to change. You can be here, as you are.

You already have permission to be here, before “I” say yes or no to you. And now you have my permission as well.

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Session with Barry – Core Hurt

 

I scheduled a session with Barry to explore the core hurt I have noticed behind any reactivity (any beliefs, resistance to fear) that’s here. My words and experiences are in italic.

Core hurt, keep revisiting and revisiting, until the groove in the record gradually heals.

Ask to be taken to the seed, the root of the core wound.

I sense the deep integrity you have, I think you are pretty much out of the woods now.

Feel your desire to be taken back in space and time, regress back to the moment where the next piece of this core wounding occurred.

My mother, thinking/trusting she was there for me and she wasn’t, rejected me somehow. Feel dizzy, not grounded, stunned. The muscles in my calves tighten. She was a big part of my world, almost my whole world, and she wasn’t there for me.

Drop into the feeling, the emotional charge.

Anger. Hurt. Disbelief. Shaky. Numb. It’s safer to be numb. Feel it in my heart area. Raw. There is a decision to not fully be here. Uneasy feeling in stomach. Tightening jaw (anger). My sense it it happened very early. She may have been there physically but not otherwise, rejected me somehow. She had more than enough with her own life at the time.

There was a real need there, and that need not being met. See that your mother wasn’t able to be there. She was too full of her own considerations to be there, fully connect with you. It’s not rejection. She didn’t say “no” to you, or that she didn’t want to be there for me. She was too busy, too full of her own issues. Bring us full circle, give ourselves what we didn’t get. Otherwise, never ending search for the mother that wasn’t there, and we never get it, not from any woman, it doesn’t happen. Just end up playing the initial drama of the wounding. This is the final door out. You give up. There is no woman, no idealized woman, who can give you that or heal that for you. It can be a little bit of shattering experience, because so much of the self was built up around it. Now what. What is the purpose of relationship now.

God is love. Love is all there is. I am that.

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A sense of hurt

 

I keep noticing how there is a sense of hurt behind any sadness, frustration, anger and reactivity that comes up. It seems that it’s all pointing back to that sense of hurt, and that it comes from very early childhood. I bring it into ho’oponopono. Stay with it as a friend. Open my heart to it. (Whenever I remember, and am not caught up in resistance to it.) I also ask for guidance, and to be shown what I need to see about it. Where does it come from? What are the beliefs and fears behind it?

It seems very young and primal. The images and thoughts I notice revolve around injustice and unfairness, and a sense of powerlessness. I notice it gets triggered when situations don’t go “my” way (the way I think it should go, what I think would be good for me), when I see injustice and unfairness in the world (what I tell myself is unjust and unfair), and when I feel powerless and unable to change or “fix” a situation (I tell myself needs to be fixed, and needs to be fixed by me). There are also some images of being very young and feeling that my parents or life is unfair towards me, and feeling powerless. I also see I don’t feel as supported by my parents as I think they should.

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