Statements for inquiry: My mother is not helping me be comfortable

 

Situation: Feeling uncomfortable in elementary school.

1. I am saddened by my mother because she is not helping me be comfortable at school.

2. I want my mother to support me, to make me comfortable, to show me how to be comfortable.

3. My mother should show me how to be comfortable and relaxed, to find my wholeness, to be at peace with herself and the world, to be confident.

4. I need my mother to befriend her fear, to befriend her wounds, to befriend herself and the world. I need her to resolve this for me, to help me find my own peace and comfort, to demonstrate for me how I can be deeply comfortable in myself.

5. I don’t want to ever experience my mother not being able to help me be comfortable again.

Judge your neighbor

 

It’s quite common for folks new to The Work to think – as I did – my judgments are about myself, so why should I judge someone else, “my neighbor”?

And after exploring inquiry for a while, this question falls away.

It becomes very clear that it’s all about me. It’s all about my thoughts, my world of images and thoughts. There is a thought (a judgment), an image of someone/thing it’s applied to (me, other, the world), an image of someone judging (a me, an I), an image of a relationship among these (“I think he is noisy”), and perhaps even a thought judging all of this (“I should be over this by now”). And it’s all happening within my own world of images.

It’s about me in another way as well. Whatever images and thoughts I tend to take as true, is – at different times – applied to me, others, and the world. If I think it’s possible and/or undesirable to be wrong, I’ll think that about others, the world, and also me, at different times and in different situations.

JYN: My mother over-praised me

 

Situation: My mother over-praising me when I was a child.

1. I am angry at my mother because she over-praises me.

2. I want my mother to be more clear, grounded, realistic, to give me a realistic image of myself, who I am, and my abilities.

3. My mother shouldn’t praise everything I do, she shouldn’t use praise to show her love, or to get approval from me.

4. I need my mother to love me as I am, and be realistic in her praise.

5. My mother is confused, hurt, misguided, doesn’t realize love is enough, unable to give realistic praise.

6. I don’t ever want to experience my mother over-praising me again.

JYN: Climate change

 

Since my teens, I thought the discussion on climate change – and other topics such as abortion – was misguided.

We know cheap fossil fuel will run out, and we know the use of it causes a wide range of problems (pollution of land, air and water, health problems, centralized production, wars  etc.), so it only makes sense to prioritize phasing it out as soon as possible, and shift into use of renewable energy. This shift will also revitalize our economy, bring about new scientific and technological discoveries, and be a boon for many smaller technology companies. It also has the potential to diversify and localize our production of energy, making us more resilient and supporting local economies. (A more diverse production of energy makes us more resilient since we are less reliant on one type of energy from a few centralized and sometimes distant sources, and local production of energy makes us more locally self-reliant and may support local businesses and economies.) It has benefits all around. Whether or not burning fossil fuel contributes to climate change is irrelevant in this context. It’s only a distraction, and it’s used quite intentionally as a distraction by some in the oil business.

So here is a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on one of these people (intentionally or not) side-tracking the debate in this way.

Situation: My uncle denying human-contributed climate change. (He is a professor in botany.)

1. I am angry at my uncle because he denies (a) climate change and (b) any human contribution to climate change.

2. My uncle should get the bigger picture, see it’s a necessary and desirable change anyway.

3. I want my uncle to open up, be more receptive, find a more balanced view, take a more realistic approach.

4. I need my uncle to be more receptive, clear, see the big picture, take the long view, see what’s best for all of us in the long run/big picture.

5. My uncle is confused, reactive, hurt, closed minded, upset.

6. I don’t ever want to experience my uncle getting upset over climate change again.

JYN: I want coke in a can

 

It may be interesting to go back into a situation in early childhood where I threw a tantrum, write a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet from that situation, and see what I find.

Situation: I was six or seven years old, in London with my parents, and after a long day I wanted coke in a can – my favorite. They didn’t have it, my parents bought me a nice ivory pen knife instead, and I threw it on the ground, stomped my feet, and screamed.

1. I am angry at my parents because they dragged me around London, made me exhausted, and now can’t get me coke in a can.

2. My parents should get me coke in a can, they shouldn’t make me tired, they should listen to me, they should understand how tired I am.

3. I want my parents to listen to me, make sure I am comfortable, get me coke in a can when I am tired.

4. I need my parents to listen to me, make sure I am comfortable, make sure I get what I want.

5. My parents are inconsiderate, think about themselves, don’t understand how tired I am, incompetent in getting me coke in a can.

6. I don’t ever want to experience my parents disappointing me again.

JYN on the raid

 

Friday, I did a session with Barry that – for the first time – went back to images from another life. A woman lost her husband and children in a raid by foreign men, and went into deep despair. I wrote a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet from her perspective, and this is it. It’s quite different from my usual ones, and it feels good to explore these thoughts and emotions that many around the world have experienced and do experience, especially those in a war situation or those exposed to a violent crime. I also notice I feel a bit self-conscious posting it, so that’s a good reason to do it – to see what thoughts come up for me.

Situation: A woman who lost her husband and children in a raid by a group of men, early medieval times.

1. I am angry at the men because they killed my husband, my children, they humiliated me, they ruined my life.

2. I want the men to die, to know how much I suffer, to understand how much I suffer, to suffer as much as I do.

3. The men should feel my suffering, turn around, regret what they did, make it good again, bring them back to life, bring back my life.

4. I need the men to know how much I suffer, to turn around, to make it good again.

5. The men are evil, brutal, heartless, ignorant, don’t deserve to live.

6. I don’t ever want to experience this pain again, to experience my loved ones being killed, to be humiliated, to have my life ruined.

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JYN: My relationship with God is damaged beyond repair

 

Situation: Moving to Wisconsin, not following my clear inner guidance to leave (go back to SLC, Oslo), and feeling I went against God’s will.

1. I am angry at God because my relationship with God is damaged beyond repair, because God put me in a situation where I went against God’s will.

2. I want God to make it good again, to help me find a deep resolution, to undo the damage.

3. God should be kind, forgiving, not hold it against me.

4. I need God to love me, heal me, restore our connection.

5. God is intolerant, judging, has impossibly high expectations of me, puts me in an impossible situation, punishes me for it.

6. I don’t ever want to experience God leaving me again, my connection with God damaged beyond repair.

Additional beliefs:

My inner guidance is God’s will. If I go against my inner guidance, I go against God’s will.

I was caught up in fear and beliefs. I should have known better.

JYN: My mother abandoned me

 

Situation: Alone in a crib in a dark room, as a baby.

1. I am angry at my mother because she doesn’t care about me, she abandoned me.

2. I want my mother to be here for me, support me, care for me, love me, make me feel loved and safe.

3. My mother shouldn’t leave me, she shouldn’t want to do anything else than be with me, she shouldn’t want to spend time with friends instead of me.

4. I need my mother to make me feel loved, safe, secure, and give me a deep trust in life.

5. My mother is absent, self-centered, cold, doesn’t care about me.

6. I don’t ever want to feel abandoned by my mother again.

JYN: Angry at God

 

Situation: Before incarnation, when realized I was going to incarnate and resisted it.

1. I am angry at God because he/she is pushing me into incarnation, and it will be my ruin.

2. I want God to find another way for me, to support me, to help me live in love.

3. God should realize it will be my ruin, should realize it’s a mistake, shouldn’t make me live this life.

4. I need God to make it all good for me, not leave me, help me remember.

5. God is crazy, irresponsible, mistaken, incompetent, stupid, hateful, ruins everything.

6. I don’t ever want to again lose love, forget, be thrown out of love, be thrown out of paradise.

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JYN: Alone in a crib in a dark room

 

Situation: Alone in a crib in a dark room. Infancy.

1. I am afraid because my mother abandoned me, she doesn’t love me, she is not there for me.

2. I want my mother to come and get me, let me stay with them, hold me, comfort me.

3. My mother should love me, be with me, make me comfortable, make me feel safe, make me feel secure, make me feel loved. My mother shouldn’t abandon me.

4. I need my mother to be with me, love me, care for me, be there for me.

5. My mother is absent, unloving, misguided, distracted.

6. I don’t ever want to experience being left alone again.

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JYN: My father turns the newspaper pages with inner tension

 

Situation: My father turning the newspaper pages with tension (inner struggle). I am a little boy.

1. I am frustrated with my father because he turns the newspaper pages harshly and loudly.

2. I want my father to live with ease, to resolve his inner tension, to be kind and clear, to be whole and in integrity.

3. He should say what he feels and wants to us (his family), he should not compromise on his needs.

4. I need him to take care of himself, be clear and mature, tell my mother what he feels and wants.

5. He is tense, in inner struggle, unable to express what he feels and wants, explosive.

6. I don’t ever want my father to turn the pages harshly and loudly again, to live with inner struggle without resolving it, to explode.

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JYN on elementary school situation

 

Situation: Elementary school, raising my hand, answering the teacher’s question, receiving “the look” from some class mates. (Audun, Jan, Torkjell, Jostein.)

1. I am hurt by Audun because he doesn’t respect me, he makes me feel small, he gives a signal to the others that it’s OK to make me feel small.

2. I want Audun to respect me, be a good friend to me, stop giving me “the look”, stop belittling me, treat me as a friend, ask me to help him with his homework.

3. Audun should see of hurtful it is, appreciate me as I am, appreciate what I know and contribute to the class. Audun shouldn’t turn others against me.

4. I need Audun to be kind to me, tell others I am OK, be a good friend to me, respect me, like me as I am, want to spend time with me.

5.  Audun is cruel, hostile towards me, unaware of how much it hurts me, hurt, wounded.

6. I never want Audun to not be a good friend to me.