Incarnation trauma

 

From early childhood, I seem to have had a clear memory of life between lives. An profound sense of all as love and wisdom, an infinite sense of being home. 

And along with that, formless beings and communication without words. The other memory I seem to have is of when I knew I would incarnate again. It was shared with me by a group of a dozen or so beings, I was shown the life in broad strokes, and I was shown I would incarnate along with many others needed in this phase of humanity’s and Earth’s evolution. 

I was also asked if I would. Being a good boy (soul), I said “yes”. And yet, it wasn’t honest. I wanted to because I knew it was the divine movement and there wasn’t really a choice. But the rest of me deeply and profoundly didn’t want to. I had spent a long time in this place that was partly timeless although also touching on time. (My previous incarnation may have been in the second half of the 1800s.) 

Saying yes when so much of me wanted to say no seems to have been traumatic. It created a deep wound in me. It was dishonest. And it was pointless dishonesty since these beings knew everything about me anyway. 

When I replay it being honest, it is beautiful. I acknowledge the “no”. I say it out loud for myself and these beings to hear. (Although not with words.) I grieve. And I arrive more wholeheartedly at a yes that’s aligned with this divine movement. 

Going back in my timeline to find me needing healing at different times, this seems one of the more important ones. 

As usual, I am not taking this literally. (Although I am also open for it being an actual memory.) I take it as any dream or vision or apparent memory that can’t so easily be verified. I take it as giving form to something very real in me. In this case, a “no” to life and a trauma around being incarnate, around being a human being in this world. 

That’s what this points to. That’s what may need to be seen, felt, loved, resolved, and healed. That’s where the invitation is. 

Finding healing for myself at different ages

 

One of the things I like to do is to invite in healing for myself at different ages. I imagine myself as a specific age (e.g. age 5), feel into and look at whatever may have bothered me at the time (issues, uncertainties etc.), and then invite in healing for me / him as I would for any client. If it’s inquiry, I can do inquiry from that age, as if I am myself at that age. If it’s a heart-centered practice (ho’o, tonglen), I do it as if I would for anyone else by imagining him in front of me. And I find it works well even with Vortex Healing. I imagine him (me at age 5) as I would any client, and take him through a session (with some slight modifications) as I would any client. 

I find it helpful to do this through the timeline. I may scan my own timeline, find an age and period where I wasn’t quite comfortable with myself and the world, and spend time with myself at that age and invite in healing. Through presence. Noticing. Allowing. And sometimes inquiry, heart-centered practices, or divine energy healing (Vortex Healing). 

Why do I do this? I find it helpful to do healing for myself at specific ages. It brings certain issues more alive for me. It’s also easier when I see myself in front of me and approach the healing as I would for any client. I can access the issue internally, and it’s also an object I see in front of me which creates a helpful distance and somehow makes it easier for me to stay with the healing process. 

How food influences CFS in my experience

 

I have had CFS since my teens, and especially strongly in two periods (including right now).

From the beginning, I knew that food played a role in how well I do. The type of food plays a role, as does when I eat, and – as I discovered more recently – having some minimal fat reserves.

Type of food. I tend to do best when I eat mostly vegetables and meat, with smaller amounts of grains and fruit, and minimal to no dairy and sugar. The less processed the better. And I prefer organic and locally produced food. I am from Northern Europe, and I notice I do well on traditional Northern European foods. Perhaps it’s genetics, or just what my body is used to, or the climate, I don’t quite know.

I especially like warm food that’s delicious and easy and quick to prepare. Slow cooked stews with bone broth is a favorite.

When I eat. I tend to eat relatively frequently. My main meal is often breakfast, and it’s often vegetables and meat. Lunch and dinner are typically similar. Although I do mix it up according to what I notice I am drawn to. It’s good to not be too strict. (For instance, I had muesli with kefir a couple of days ago and it felt right and good then. And I do sometimes eat chocolate.)

Fat reserves. I have been slim to skinny my whole life, and unable to put on weight even when I have intentionally tried to. This spring, I did a combination of Vortex Healing and using an app in order to put on more weight, and it worked within a week. (The Vortex Healing was for my digestive system and to support my body in absorbing and making use of nutrients.)

I am now up to 84kg (184cm tall) and have a minimal to moderate layer of fat on my body for the first time. It feels like an important and helpful buffer for me. I used to have energy crashes if a meal was delayed or I missed a meal. Now, that doesn’t seem to happen anymore. Joey Lott and others talk about the importance of eating enough in order to deal with and perhaps recover from CFS, and that fits my experience as well.

Additional notes. As I mentioned above, I am not terribly strict in my diet. Now and then, I do eat some grains, some dairy (cheese, kefir), and some sugar (mostly in the form of chocolate). I also find that butter seems to really help me, so I tend to melt butter on most warm meals. I should also say that I do some strength training and typically walk a good deal, so I try to stay as fit as I can within the limitations of having CFS.

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Vortex Healing on own irritability

 

I just attended a Vortex Healing clinic in Berkeley and it was very powerful. I was also reminded of my sound sensitivity or sound irritability, also called misophonia.

In the car on the way back to San Francisco (I am staying there for a month) I did some Vortex Healing for myself on sound sensitivity and irritability. Memories of recent times I had been angry came up, and it retriggered the anger. I gently set it aside to focus on the irritability, but these memories and emotions kept taking center stage.

After a few minutes, I realized that this anger is at the center of the irritability. Irritability is anger. And anger is fear. I knew that the irritability and misophonia mostly likely has to do with trauma, and I got to see more clearly the connection between (a) sound triggering (b) the trauma and fear, and (c) it taking the form of irritability (anger).

When the sound sensitivity is triggered, my system goes into flight (wanting to get away), fight (irritability, anger), and freeze (numbing out). And all of it comes from trauma. My sense is that just a few sessions with VH will make a big difference. I have already made good headway on this issue using The Work and Living Inquiries.

Brief summary of second session: First, Vortex on irritability, which worked in the mid- and lower spine and belly area. Then, sound sensitivity, which worked in the frontal lobes and a bit on the sides of the forehead and down the neck. Then on the shoulder tension and the material there. Some on ancestral and mostly on karmic material (I have done a session on the shoulders before which may have worked on the ancestral?). Felt like a lot of release. I got the message to sit up more straight several times.