Personal will mortally wounded

 

Several people – including Barry – suggests that what I am going through is a transformation of the will (aka “dark night of the soul”).

Where there used to be a very strong will, and others said I was a strong willed person, there is now very little. I seem unable to make clear choices (apart from on rare occasions), unable to follow up on plans, and unable to know what will happen with me even in the short term future in terms of what will feel right, how much energy and clarity I will have, if I will be able to follow through on something, and so on.

My personal will seems mortally wounded, and almost not there. What’s left of the personal will is the resistance to what’s happening. A struggle with what’s happening in my life, with the lack of personal will, with the absence of ability to plan and follow through on plans, plans falling apart and hopes dashed.

So how do “I” navigate in this new terrain? How to navigate if there is little or no personal will? How to navigate if there is little or no identification as a doer, a being, a planner?

In a sense, it’s familiar territory. And in another way, for the emotional levels of me, it’s very unfamiliar. It’s familiar at a global and awareness level. It’s very unfamiliar where beliefs are still held at an emotional level. That’s where the struggle seems to be.

All I can ask for is to be show the way, to be shown the next step, to be shown how to navigate this terrain, to consciously align more closely with love and reality.

And all of these are labels and interpretations. Is it true it’s a dark night? That it’s a transformation of the will? Is it true something is going wrong? Is it true I am not up to the task? Is it true I am making a mess of it? Is it true I should be over it now? Is it true I am making a mistake? Is it true I am holding onto resistance?

God takes over

 

There is the hologram that you have been identified with that spins and spins…then there is reality beyond that…the two are mutually exclusive…you asked for Self Realization…God takes over…what is yours is yours..Surrender to the mystery….love,b

God takes over.

It’s, of course, how it always is. If all is God, then all is God’s will, all is God’s love. Even what a thought may label bad, wrong, undesirable, unloving, identification, all of that too is God’s will, God’s love, and God.

And yet, something is different when there is a conscious shift into seeing this, and surrendering to God.

Surrender to God. What does that mean?

For me, it means surrendering to what is. What in me opposes what is? What beliefs and contracted fears are there? What’s more true than these? How is it to live from what’s already more true for me?

It also means following my inner guidance, my heart. What in me opposes following what this guidance tells me now? What fears are there? What stories do I tell myself to confuse myself so I am less receptive to this guidance? What is it “I” want that seems opposed to what is, and this guidance? What’s the fears behind it? What’s more real and true than these fears?

And it means surrendering to love and truth. If I am completely honest with myself and others, what will happen? Being completely honest is another way of losing control. As long as I hold back, as long as I tell little lies, I can maintain the thought that I am in control. Being completely honest, and I lose that illusion. What am I afraid would happen if I am completely honest? What fears are there? What’s more true for me? How would it be to live from this honesty?

I did ask for it, as Barry points out. I sat in front of the altar in Bodh Gaia for days prayer for full awakening no matter what it would cost. (In my early/mid twenties, of course, in the grip of youthful folly, and perhaps also a deeper wisdom.) And now, when I realize more fully, and at an emotional level, that “I” am not in control and never was, it brings up a lot of fear in me. There is really a sense of giving up control and giving my life more fully over to God. I have no idea what will happen, and I also see that I never did even when I earlier told myself I did.

Nothing has really changed. It’s all already God’s will. I never knew what would happen or where life would take me. And yet, it’s good to meet those fears me. Welcome them. Thank them for protecting me. Ask them how they wish me to be with them. Ask them what their deepest longing is, and what would satisfy them forever. Ask them who they are (in form) and what they really are.

And there is a change here too. Where I before had some confidence that I could follow and often achieve my personal wishes and preferences, it’s not like that anymore. At least, it seems to not be that way anymore. As a friend of mine said, there is my will, and your will, and then there’s God’s will. There is a sense of surrendering my personal will and preferences to God’s will, and much in me opposes it while it at the same time really wants it. It brings up neediness and fears in me. What if I won’t get what I want? What if I won’t get to fill the hole in me the way I thought I would fill it? There may be other, and more deeply satisfying, ways of filling those holes. And I don’t know what will happen. It may happen the way my personality wishes, and it may not. I don’t know.