Unlovable self, unloved self, the self that missed out, the self that’s not love


These three of my deficient selves are closely connected: The unlovable self, the unloved self, the self that missed out, and the self that’s not love.

Here are some images and thoughts for each of them:

The unlovable self

I am unlovable.

Situation (i): Alone in a crib in a dark room as a baby. My mother doesn’t love me because I am unlovable. (Underlying thoughts: I am alone in a crib in a dark room, and that means that my mother doesn’t love me. There is something wrong with me.)

Situation (ii): Whenever life doesn’t go “my way”. God doesn’t love me because I am unlovable. (Underlying thoughts: Life didn’t go my way. Life didn’t go my way because God doesn’t love me. God doesn’t love me because I am unlovable. There is something wrong with me.)

The unloved self

My mother doesn’t love me. (Alone in a crib in a dark room.)

My father doesn’t love me. (When he got very angry at me at a summer vacation.)

God doesn’t love me. (Any time life doesn’t go “my way”.)

He doesn’t love me. (Class mate who gave me dirty look when I answered the teacher’s question in elementary school.)

She doesn’t love me. (Friend from my early twenties who broke connection when she got a boyfriend.)

The self that missed out

My life would have been better if I had been in a relationship with [E, B]. (From early twenties.)

My life would have been better if I had married M. (More fulfilled, richer, fuller, more love, more joy, more support, more alive.)

I missed out. (Of a fuller, richer, more joyful, more supported life.)

The self that’s not love

I am not love. Love is different. Love is not what I am. Love comes and goes.

Deficient selves


I am exploring Scott Kiloby’s Unfindable Inquiry, and as part of that identify deficient selves, perceptions of myself as deficient in different ways – surfacing in different situations. Here are some of them:

Lost, adrift, fuzzy, not well, unsafe, unloved, hopeless, helpless, victim, paralyzed, numb, insecure attachment – selves.

The left behind, alone self.

The unsafe self. The insecure self.

The unlovable self. The unloved self. The self that missed out. The self that’s not love.

The one who is not getting what he wants. The one born against his will. The one mistreated by life.

The alone self. The isolated self. The lost self.

The suffering self. The victim self. The hurt self.

Fatalistic self. Powerless self. Victim of circumstances/others/life self. The leaf in a storm self.

The overwhelmed self. The panicked self. The self that wants to check out. The self that wants to be saved by someone else. The self that wants to die.

The sensitive self. The psychic sponge self. The self that’s influenced by others.

The restless self. The needy self. The self that sees what’s not here as better.

The vengeful self. The self that wants others to suffer. The self that wants me to suffer.

The resistant self. The procrastinating self. The negative self. The complaining self.

The spiritual self. The self-improving self. The self trying to do it’s best. The good self. The bad self.

The self that’s afraid of being an adult. The self that’s not measuring up. The self that’s not up to the task.

The self that’s holding back. The paralyzed self. The numb self. The shocked self.

The self that wants others to envy me. The self that wants to be better than others. The self that wants to be admired.

The self that cannot trust life. The self that doesn’t trust God. The self that doesn’t trust others.

The martyr self. The self giving up what feels deeply right.

The drama queen self. The self delighting in drama.

For each of these, I can explore it from a particular situation triggering it, and using a set of very simple questions:

Images & thoughts

Can you find images and thoughts associated with the deficient self? What images and thoughts are there?

Can you see these as images and thoughts?

Are these images and thoughts who you are? Are they who you really are, fundamentally? As that which doesn’t come and go?

And then the same set of questions for emotions, and sensations.

When these deficient selves operate unconsciously or partly consciously, they may seem quite real and substantial, and mind is identified with them. As they are looked into more closely, and what’s really there is more clear, there isn’t so much to identify with anymore. The mind is unable to identify with it in the way it used to.


Unloved by myself, others, women, God/life. Unlovable by myself, others, women, mother/father, God/life.


Anything can be used as an escape


I keep seeing how I use sometimes use whatever is closest at hand in an attempt to avoid feeling certain emotions, or being reminded of certain images or thoughts:

(a) Friends, going for walks, food, internet, movies, podcasts, news, listening to spiritual interviews/talks.

(b) Day dreams, going into stressful images and thoughts.

(c) Inquiry, certain forms of meditation, any technique used with the aim of changing content of experience.

It’s all innocent. It’s all from love. It’s all from an attempt to be kind to myself. It’s from worried love.

And it’s all from an innocent mistake. It all comes from holding certain images and thoughts as if they were true.


Dream: Couple moving on


I am hosting a couple travelling through. They are here for a few days, and I notice I like them, admire them, and would like to stay in touch. As they leave, they let me know they don’t want connection with me later on.

This reflects some situations in my waking life, and brings up some thoughts/beliefs in me to look at:

They don’t love me. They don’t like me.

I need their love. I need them to like me.

It’s better if the want to stay in contact.

They don’t want contact, and that means….

They don’t love me. They don’t like me. They see me as weird. They are uncomfortable around me. I make them uncomfortable.

They don’t love me, and that means….

I am unlovable. I will be alone. I will suffer. I am a failure. I will die. I will die alone.

My life is worthless. I am worthless.

Statements for inquiry: My mother is not helping me be comfortable


Situation: Feeling uncomfortable in elementary school.

1. I am saddened by my mother because she is not helping me be comfortable at school.

2. I want my mother to support me, to make me comfortable, to show me how to be comfortable.

3. My mother should show me how to be comfortable and relaxed, to find my wholeness, to be at peace with herself and the world, to be confident.

4. I need my mother to befriend her fear, to befriend her wounds, to befriend herself and the world. I need her to resolve this for me, to help me find my own peace and comfort, to demonstrate for me how I can be deeply comfortable in myself.

5. I don’t want to ever experience my mother not being able to help me be comfortable again.

What’s the worst that can happen if my future is not a disaster?


What’s the worst that can happen if my future is not a disaster / is everything I have always wanted to give myself?

I wouldn’t be able to blame others, life.

I would have to be more honest with myself. I would have to take responsibility for what I am not happy about.

I may see that even with all that, I would still be dissatisfied.

What would it take to be completely satisfied?

Find peace with life, God, what is.

Find love for what is, for what’s here. (Finding/aligning with God’s love for what is.)

Is blaming, not taking responsibility working for you?


What if you couldn’t be a victim ever again?

 I would be free.


Aspects of the dark night, and beliefs


I imagine several aspects of the dark night of the soul, from my own experience and what I have read and heard from others. And each of these may trigger some quite basic and universal beliefs.

Thoughts may say…..

It’s a dark night of the soul. It’s necessary for my path. There is something for me to learn. It will stay until I get it.

It will deepen until I get it. My life will continue to fall apart until I get it.

It’s a dark night of the soul….

God removed him/her/itself from me. I lost connection with God. I did something wrong. I lost my path.

I lost my passion. I lost my clarity. I lost my direction. I did something wrong.

My life is misspent. I made the wrong choice. I missed out of opportunities.

My mind doesn’t work. My mind doesn’t work as before. My mind is not clear. My mind is not functioning well.

My health is not good. I lost my health. I did something wrong.

My friends left me. They didn’t like me anymore. I changed too much. I changed for the worse.

It’s shadow material. I need to process what’s surfacing. I need to find clarity on what’s surfacing.

I am messed up. Others are less messed up than me. It’s endless.

It’s too much. I can’t take it. It’s overwhelming. I am not up to the task. Life chose the wrong person for this path.

It’s easier to escape than meet these emotions. It’s easier to escape than investigate these thoughts. Something terrible will happen if I meet these emotions / investigate these thoughts.

Another experience is better / easier. Another (his/her) life is better / easier.

I need to be rescued. I need someone to rescue me. I need God to rescue me.

It’s taking too long. I don’t get it. I am slow. Others get it faster / better than me. Others are up to the task, I am not.

Thoughts about other’s clarity


When I work as a client in a spiritual or therapeutic setting, or am a student in a class or workshop, I sometimes notice a thought saying it makes a difference how clear the facilitator or instructor is. And this clarity is not on the topic itself, although that’s of course important. It’s clarity on the nature of existence, our nature, and how thoroughly thoughts have been investigated.

Talking with Adyashanti, there is a sense of clarity and depth I have rarely encountered, and it invites a deep sense of recognition and trust in me. There is a similar experience when I talk with Barry. And with Byron Katie, there is obviously a sense of deep familiarity with the dynamics of beliefs in general, with a wide range of thoughts in specific, and what’s on the other side. During my session with Pamela Wilson, there is also a sense of a deep love, understanding, and appreciation for all the different ways reality manifests, including as worried love.

It’s not always that way, and when it’s not, some thoughts come up:

About Vigid G., a spiritual teacher in Norway: I am not safe with her. She is judgmental. She is using heavy artillery when a feather would be sufficient. She is making assumptions about my background. Her approach is provincial.

About B.A., my main TRE teacher in Norway: She takes my stories as real. She solidifies my stories. She clings to diagnosis for safety. She is misguided in her approach (taking stories as true and real). She is not qualified.

About the (previous) head Breema teacher: His strategy belongs to another culture and time. He is patriarchal / patronizing in his approach. He is familiar with the soul level, and not what’s next.

About a recent shamanic session: Her approach is misguided. She sees some things as bad / best gotten rid of. She doesn’t / should approach what’s here with deep love, understanding and appreciation.

In general: I need to work with a clear facilitator/instructor. The confusion of my facilitator/instructor may taint me. If my f/i is not clear (as clear as Adya, BK, Berry, Pamela), I am not safe. It’s possible for me to not be safe (as client/student).

Statements for inquiry: I’m doing it wrong etc.


I’m doing it wrong. I need you to love me. Something’s very wrong with me. I should fix this. I’m broken. Other people have it right. My life has no purpose. I need to be good at it. No one cares about me. I can’t measure up. My heart is broken. I’m missing out. I hurt so much. I deserve to be punished. I need to be more confidant. I mustn’t be too full of myself. I squandered my opportunities. I’m a fraud. I need to work harder. I want chocolate. I want sex. I need a drink. I need to stop hurting. I have failed my children. My life is a mess. My life is inadequate. There’s no hope for me. There’s too much to do. If I had a partner I’d be happy. If I had more money I’d be happy. If I was thinner I’d be happy. I don’t deserve to be happy.

Statements for inquiry from Judy C. on Facebook. For each of these, I can find a specific situation where I had that thought, write a JYN on someone else, and see what I find when I take it to inquiry.


You are falling apart


I wake up, continue to lie in bed, and hear  a voice say you are falling apart. It’s a female voice with some intensity to it, not one I recognize, and it’s quite clear and sharp, as if stating a fact. It has a calm certainty to it as well, as I recognize from a few dreams and visions in my past that mirrored future events.

The experience is a bit startling, as the voice is quite different from the “internal voices” I am familiar with. The first that came up for me was fearful images of falling apart. Now, I see it may be a good thing, if the “I” and “me” the mind is identified with falls apart. And it’s probably already happening, even if parts of the mind – in it’s innocent confusion and it’s worried love – is trying to hold it all together.

What do I fear the most about falling apart?

I won’t function. I won’t be able to do what I had planned. I won’t be able to finish the projects I have started.

I will go insane. My mind will lose it’s bearings. My mind will go insane.

Others will judge me. People will see me as weak, strange. They will reject me.

I will be alone. I will suffer. I won’t understand what’s happening.

I will continue to resist, and it (the process, life) will break me down.

Primary relationship


My primary relationship is with myself.

It’s already that way, both in a conventional and a more real sense.

In a conventional sense, what I take as me – this human self, this doer, this observer – is what’s here more than anyone or anything else. I am the one I am living with, now and now and now, at least until the end of this human life.

And looking closer, I see that any relationship is with myself. It’s an image of a relationship between two images, and all of those happen within my world of images, they happen within and as what I am. My world of images happen within and as what I am, and what these refer to happens within and as what I am.

If it’s already that way, why wouldn’t it be that way consciously, wholeheartedly, authentically? What prevents it?

What am I afraid would happen if my primary relationship is with myself? What am I afraid to lose? What am I afraid I won’t get?

Others will be offended. They will feel rejected. They will judge me. They will see me as arrogant, self-centered, setting myself first.

I won’t do what’s needed for them to love me, accept me, want to be with me.

And behind that:

Others will reject me because…. they see me as arrogant, self-centered, I won’t do what’s needed for them to like me. Others will reject me, and that means…. I will be alone. I will suffer. My life will be in ruins. My life will go into a downward spiral. I will die alone.

I need them to love me, accept me, want to be with me.


Addiction and inquiry


When I look for myself, I find that my main addiction is to taking thoughts as true. Any other (apparent) addiction seems to stem from this basic one.

And when I look at my own more conventional addictive tendencies, I find what seems to be a common dynamic, a set of thoughts taken as true.

(a) This memory / emotion is unbearable. It’s too much for me. It’s real / it points to something real.

(b) It’s easier / more comfortable to escape it / distract myself.

(c) I feel better by…. (eating, going on the internet, watching a movie, talking with friends etc.)

I remember a relationship disappointment from my early twenties. I have the thought it’s unbearable, too much, or even just uncomfortable to think about it or feel the emotions it brings up. I think it’s easier or more comfortable to distract myself. I have a thought about what would help me distract myself, and/or feel better. And I take each of these thoughts as true. So I eat something, go on the internet, watch a movie, talk with a friend, go for a walk, or listen to a podcast. If I tend to chose the same activity for comfort and/or distraction, it may take the appearance of an addictive tendency.

Even if I vary my strategies, there are several addictions or addictive tendencies here. There is an addiction to seek comfort, and to seek distraction from uncomfortable images/emotions. And behind that is an addiction to taking my thoughts as true.


Dream: Skull and hole


I have removed my skull and apply heat to it in an attempt to make it stronger. A doctor is quite concerned and recommends against it. I return the skull to it’s place. It was quite clear the whole time that this was a futile attempt.

I am in a Spanish speaking town or neighborhood, and unable to get back to where I am staying. It’s getting late, I am slightly concerned for my camera and wallet, so try to find a safe place. I go down a set of steps into a shaft or basement of some sort, realize I won’t be able to get up until dawn, and also that it’s not safer than anywhere else.


Statements for inquiry: She is going too fast, she is teaching


This morning, I listened to an audio file of Byron Katie working with a woman. Taking the role of the client while listening, I noticed a few different thoughts coming up.

She is going too fast. I don’t have time to find it. I don’t have time to let it sink in.

She is teaching. She is telling me what I am supposed to find.

It’s BK so I can’t tell her to stop. I can’t tell her it’s not working for me. I have to go along with it.

It’s terrifying for the identified mind


It’s terrifying for the identified mind.

A friend of mine said that yesterday, when I mentioned the sense of dissolving (my body, mind, life dissolving).

It seems very true for me. It’s terrifying for the identified mind, for the mind that’s identified with certain thoughts, and their perspectives, their outlook on life. It’s terrifying for the mind that’s identified with the identities that goes along with, and are created from, these thoughts and perspectives.

In this case, some of these thoughts are:

I won’t survive. I won’t be able to function.

I will continue to resist. My life will continue to fall apart, because I resist.

I don’t get it. There is something to get. I am doing it wrong. I am caught up in resistance. I am caught up in fear. I am caught up in beliefs. I am caught up in confusion.

I don’t get it. I don’t get that resistance is more painful than welcoming what’s here.

When the mind is identified with any of these thoughts, it’s painful. And each of them come with a certain perspective and an identity. A way of seeing the world, a way of being in the world, a way of living in the world.


K: All striving had ended


I am reading a book with personal accounts of the awakening process by two people. It’s very good, also because I get to see some of my own beliefs, sometimes by finding one-liners – what appears to me as beliefs, assumptions – in what’s written. One is this:

All striving, all worry, all efforting had ended. (p. 36, We are the Awakening Christ.)

I understand it can be experienced that way. And I don’t know how it is for her. It may very well be true in her experience, as she writes it.

For me, I see that when I have had those “all” thoughts, it’s not quite true. It’s a bit of wishful thinking. I cannot know that “all” of it is over. And if I look, I can find examples of the turnaround – not all of it is over. There is always something left. (I am grateful when I find it, because it keeps me humble, real.)

Some thoughts for me to look at:

She is avoiding reality. She is (unintentionally) dishonest. She is doing people a disservice (by setting up unrealistic expectations). She is misguided. She is caught in wishful thinking.




Last night, I felt and stayed with what’s here, gave it all over to God, and also checked in around health, the future etc. (visualizing, getting a sense of where it’s moving). What was clear was a sense of brilliance and a strong presence of Christ, of no feedback whatsoever about the future or health, and also of everything dissolving (mind, body, life). The image of a larvae dissolving in a chrysalis came up. And I also saw some fear and thoughts about it.

Here are some of my fearful thoughts, ready for inquiry:

I don’t know what is happening. I need to know what’s happening.

I won’t be able to function. My health won’t improve. I need my health to improve.

I won’t be able to allow it, welcome it, go into it. The process will stagnate because I am not able to welcome it.

My life will continue to fall apart, dissolve, because I am not able to welcome it. I am stopping the process.

I am not allowing the process to resolve itself, come to fruition. I am too caught up in fear. I am stopping myself by holding onto beliefs.

I am not sincere enough. My intention is not clear enough. I am not committed enough. I am too wounded.

I am not clear enough. I don’t get it. I don’t get that resistance is more painful than allowing it. I am too caught up in confusion.

Inquiry statements: God’s will


Some thoughts for inquiry about God and God’s will:

God is unkind. I can’t have what I want. It’s not a fair life.

If what’s happening is God’s will, God is unkind, misguided, unfair. What’s happening is not what’s best for me. God doesn’t have my best interest at heart.

If God had my best interest at heart, I would have… the health I want, more money, better relationship, a clear path in life, an easy life. I would have had a relationship with M, B, and/or E. (early twenties). A happy family life. Children. A job I love. Living in a place where I feel completely at home.

God’s will is not mine. God’s will is not what I want. God’s will will bring me suffering.

If I don’t have what I want, it’s a sign that God doesn’t care. God left me. Something is wrong with my connection with God. I am not good enough for God. (Success, money, beauty, happy family, a job I love.)

God should do what I want. God should give me an easy life. (Picture of God as a parent, should be here for me, do what I want.)


Inquiry: My mother doesn’t love me


Situation: My mother shouting at me and blaming me for her breaking something in the kitchen while I was in the living room playing. I was four or five years old.

1. I am afraid of my mother because she is angry at me.

2. I want my mother to not be angry at me, to love me, to understand I didn’t do anything, to love herself.

3. My mother shouldn’t be angry at me, she shouldn’t shout at me, she should love me, she should breathe and calm down, she should find clarity.

4. I need my mother to love me, to love herself, to tell me it’s all OK, to tell me I am OK.

5. My mother is angry, confused, upset, afraid, hurt, blinded.

6. I don’t ever want my mother to be angry at me again.

Additional beliefs:

She is angry at me, and that means…. She doesn’t love me. She will leave me. I will be alone. I will be lost. I will suffer. I will die.

She is angry at me because…. There is something wrong with me. I did something wrong. I am not lovable. I should be punished.


Statements for inquiry: I am unlovable


This is one of the thoughts that is clearly not true at a conscious level. And yet, at times, it feels true. It seems to be held as true at an emotional level, and I also see how this belief sometimes plays itself out in my life. Life is kind, so this confusion sometimes bubbles to the surface to be felt and seen, including right now. If I am very still, and very honest, what beliefs do I find here? What beliefs support or underpin the thought that I am unlovable? What images do I see?

I am unlovable.

Nobody likes me. Situation: Early school days.

Nobody likes me because…. They think I am weird. They see me as not good enough. Nobody likes me and that means…. I will be alone forever. I will suffer. I will die.

Nobody loves me. Situation: Two or three times when my parent’s were angry at me when I was very little.

My parents don’t love me because…. They got angry at me. They left me in the crib alone at night. My parents don’t love me and that means…. I will be alone. I will suffer. I will die.

She chose someone else. Situation: In my late teens/early twenties, with M, B, and E.

She chose someone else because…. She saw me as not good enough. I didn’t tell her how much she meant to me. I let a wonderful opportunity pass. She chose someone else, and that means…. I am unlovable. I won’t find anyone else. I lost my soul mate. I missed out of a wonderful life.

I let the opportunity for a relationship pass, and that means….. I made a huge mistake. My life got off track. I missed out of a wonderful life. I won’t find anything like that again.

I let the opportunity for a relationship pass, and that means….. I went away from God’s plan with me. I left God’s plan with my life. I won’t be able to get back on track. God has given up on me. My life is ruined.


Relating to physical and emotional pain


Thoughts about physical and emotional pain:

It’s separate. It’s an enemy. It’s a problem. Pain is bad.

It’s better if it’s not here. Another experience is better.

There shouldn’t be pain in the world.

I need it to change. I am a victim of the pain.

It will get worse. It will continue.

It’s overwhelming. It’s too much.

I can get rid of it. I need to get rid of it.

It’s pain. It’s uncomfortable.

What I hope to get out of seeing it as separate is….

Distance. Separation. Control. Able to manage it, get rid of it.

If it’s separate, I can get rid of it. ***

Pain means….

Something is wrong.

Life is unkind. Life is an enemy. I can’t trust life. Life is out to get me.

I am doing something wrong. I am being punished.

Suffering. ***

It will impact my life. I won’t be able to function.

Finding love for myself


Towards the end of the most recent episode of Radio Adyashanti, he talks about finding love for oneself, for the hurt and broken parts and the wholeness of who we are as humans. One way to do this is visualizing our hurt parts, the ones feeling unloved and unlovable, as a baby alone in a room, and notice what our natural response is – to pick the baby up and comfort.

It’s similar to shifting into Big Heart and holding parts of ourselves within Big Heart. Praying for these parts of me, visualizing them suffused by divine love and care. Or simply being with the hurt that’s here, as a friend, with kindness and love. Or even notice it already is love.

It’s not always so easy. I find that my habitual response is to retreat and recoil when some of my wounds surface, and there are some beliefs here that recreates this apparently habitual response. (It’s recreated here and now, more than being “habitual”.)

One of these, which I noticed this morning, is that my own love is not enough.

Here are some related ones:

My own love is not enough. It’s not good enough. It’s worth less than the love from others.

The love from others is worth more, is more valuable, is what I need, is what I want.

The love from others is what will heal me. I need his/her love.

People’s love is not worth the same. The love from her is worth more. The love from him is worth less. The love from myself is not worth as much.

The love from beautiful, attractive, smart, popular, successful people is worth more. ***

As with so many of these beliefs, they are held as true at an emotional and less conscious level. It’s easy to skip over them because they are clearly not true according to my conscious view, and yet they are there, perhaps formed very early in life and reinforced – for me – during my time at elementary and middle school. I also find that in writing these lists, the more powerful ones tend to come out after the surface beliefs have been written down.



Over the last few weeks or months, something new has happened for me. Occasionally, with some days or weeks in between each time, my systems go into what I can best describe as “shut down” mode.  There is a sense of congestion at all levels – physical, emotional and mental – and if I can, I spend the day for myself, drinking water, waiting for it to pass. It feels quite physical, and it seems it may be triggered by dehydration.

As so much, this too shows me what’s left. I have several thoughts brought to the surface when this happens:

I need to understand what’s happening. I need to understand what triggers it.

I should be able to relate to it with more clarity/maturity/love. I should find love for me when it happens.

It’s better to meet it as a friend. (To be with it, allow it it’s life.)

I should be further along. It’s better to be further along.

Others are disappointed in me. Others will judge me. (When I cancel appointments, am not as engaged as I normally am.)

Something is wrong. Something is wrong with my body / mind.

I need it to pass. Another experience is better.

Earlier, what came up had more to do with fatigue. And this one is a bit different. What it reminds me of is some occasional “shut downs” that happened for me in my teens and early twenties, when life didn’t go my way. I know I tried to push it aside at the time and go on stoically with my day, so it’s possible that it’s coming up now to have it’s life and perhaps release and move through.


Relating to emotions


Even with such an apparently simple topic as thought and emotions, there are many layers.

Emotions may be triggered by beliefs, even if these beliefs may appear to held mostly at an emotional level and we don’t consciously believe them.

And then there is how I relate to emotions, and this too comes from beliefs. Emotions just are, they live their life, and that’s more than fine. It’s thoughts that make them appear good or bad, difficult or easy, overwhelming or pleasant, when these thoughts are held as true. Here are some of these beliefs I notice for myself:

Its a bad/unpleasant emotion. I feel worse. I feel better. It’s possible to feel worse / better.

It’s fear. (Anger, sadness, grief etc.)

It reflects reality. (My stories – triggering the emotion, about the emotion- reflect reality.)

It means something terrible has happened / will happen. (Has – sadness, grief; will – fear.)

Its too much / overwhelming. I cannot be with this emotion / experience.

Its easier / better to avoid it. It will be worse if i allow / meet it.

Whats here is not OK. Another experience is better.

This is not God’s will / love. This is not kindness. (This emotion.)

This emotion / experience is not already allowed.

I should be further along. (More clear, mature, healed.)

Through investigating these thoughts, from a specific situation, I may find that the drama, turmoil and unpleasantness is not inherent in the emotion itself, as it appeared at first, but in how it’s met and related to. When thoughts says it’s a bad emotion, or unpleasant, or means something terrible has happened, I create discomfort for myself. And when there is more clarity on these thoughts, the emotion is allowed it’s life, it’s met as a friend, it’s even welcomed, it may be met with love. And in that, there is peace, there is a sense of coming home.

And that – it seems – goes for any experience, including the ones that appear very basic and bodily such as hunger, tiredness, and physical pain.

I am looking forward to this enjoyable state changing


I am looking forward to this enjoyable/pleasant state changing.

What thoughts and fears does this bring up in me?

If I look forward to it, it will happen. I won’t feel good if it changes. I need to feel good. If it changes, it means something went wrong. If it changes, I will be unhappy.

Why would it be a good thing for me, others, the world if it changes?

For me: It helps me see what’s left. It’s an invitation to see the next state as God, love too. It invites me to question my thoughts about pleasant/unpleasant. I see myself as anyone else. I get to question my thoughts about states. I may ask others for advice or help.

For others: I will be just like them. They can relax. They may share their wisdom with me, especially if I ask.

For the world: If I question my thoughts about this, I will live from more clarity. I will be an example of living from a bit more clarity.

This is a pleasant state, is it true? This other state is unpleasant, is it true?

Pleasant state: It’s unpleasant because I fear it changing.

Unpleasant state: The state itself is not unpleasant. I create an unpleasant experience for myself by taking my thoughts about it as true (go into resistance, battle).

This simple initial statement is very rich. It shows me thoughts and fears triggered by it. It shows me how it may be a good thing if this state changes. It invites me to question thoughts of pleasant and unpleasant states, and find what’s more true for me.



I-thougths sometimes really about others


I-thoughts are sometimes really about what I think others may think, say or do, only internalized so thoroughly I may not notice that’s what’s happening.

There is an I-thought saying I shouldn’t be tired, or I need to be active, I want to be healthy.

If I imagine myself alone in the whole world, would I still have the same thoughts? No, I find I am at peace with myself and the situation. That shows me the thought may really be about others and what I am afraid they will think, say or do.

So what are the thoughts I imagine others may have about me?

I am tired, not healthy, and what I am most afraid others will think, say or do is….

They will think I am lazy. They will think I am weak.

They will talk about my behind my back.

They will pity me. They will shun me. They will abandon me.


Statements on noisy people


I have felt disturbed by people making noise since childhood – turning the newspaper, walking heavily, slamming doors, talking loudly on the train, loud music etc. And when I look at specific situations, I see that my underlying thoughts revolve around a common theme:


Has inner tension. Is frantic. Is internally out of control. Is unable to deal with the inner tension.

Will explode. Will blame me for it. Will go out of control.

Will infect me. (With his/her franticness, tension.) Will disturb my peace. Will get me out of balance.

Takes my peace away from me.

Statements for inquiry: People walking heavily means


Situation: Someone walking heavily on their heels, stomping.

People walking heavily on their heels – during quiet hours – means….

She is unconscious. She is caught in thought. She has inner tension. She is frantic.

She doesn’t know how to relate to her inner tension. She may explode.

The worst that can happen if people walk heavily on their heels is….

I will lose my peace. He disturbs my peace. He takes my peace away from me.

His inner tension will make me go into inner tension. His franticness will infect me.

I will be annoyed. He makes me annoyed. He makes me uncomfortable.

Statements for inquiry


Some basic and common beliefs for me:

It’s a dark night. It’s chronic fatigue. It’s trauma. It’s a wound. It’s suffering.

It’s a body. It’s a belief. It’s a thought. It’s an emotion. It’s pain. It’s discomfort.

Life is better than death. Health is better than illness. More money is better.

I would be more happy if my body was more healthy. I would be more happy with more money.

Life is too complicated.

I should be further along by now. I should be more mature. I should know better.

Other people are further along. Others are more mature. Others know better.

This is not love. This is not God. (Whatever it may be…. what thoughts label illness, death, suffering.)

My will is better than God’s will. I know what’s better for me, others, the world. God’s will cannot be trusted. (God’s will = what is.)

With each of these, I can find a specific situation where I had that thought, and do inquiry from there.

Fear before a session


I often notice fear one or two hours before my sessions with Barry, and I see my mind trying to find an excuse to cancel. I haven’t so far, and have always been very grateful for the sessions. They tend to go deep and bring resolution, or at least bring up something that I can work on to find clarity and a sense of (relative) resolution.

Right now, I notice a similar fear coming up around going to The School with Byron Katie in Los Angeles in October. I am not quite sure what it’s about, but it may be a similar dynamic. It feels right to go, and will probably be very grateful if I go.

What is this fear about? What’s the story behind this fear?

What I fear the most about a session with Barry is….

It will be uncomfortable. I will have to face something uncomfortable.

It will bring changes to my life. It will lead to uncomfortable changes in my life.

It will require too much of me. I am not up to the task. (Of bringing it into life, live from it.)

What I fear the most about The School is….

I won’t be able to do my job well. (As staff.) They will judge me. I will make a fool of myself.

I will see something I don’t want to see. I will have to face beliefs I don’t want to face.

It will require big changes in my life. It will require uncomfortable changes in my life.

I won’t be able to bring it into life/live it. I will be paralyzed by fear/beliefs when I try to live it.

I am not up to the task.