Own inquiry: Unlovable

 

Love is gonna be on your side

Just that feeling of love
That’s gonna be on your side

Firefly, Love is gonna be on your side

Life brought me to explore the feeling of being unlovable this morning and I did some simple inquiry into it as I did some other things. As I sat down to do record a more thorough inquiry here, and wrote the title of the page, I noticed the lyrics of the music I had on in the background. (Yes, I love cheesy disco music!)

Living Inquiry

When I feel into the unlovable identity, I see something dark and shriveled up in me (like a dry prune). I look at the image and notice the shape, texture, and color of the shriveled up prune.

I feel it in my chest. A pressure. Sinking in. And also in the solar plexus. My breath is shallow. I feel the sensations.

I notice it feels like I want to just shrivel up and die, and look at those words. I see the words in front of me. Is there a charge on those words? (Do they seem like me, the unlovable one?) Yes, the words seem connected to sensations in my face, chest, and solar plexus. I feel those sensations.

I notice sadness in me. I feel it mostly in sensations in the belly and feel those sensations. I stay with it for a while and feel the sensations as sensations.

I see a picture of darkness connected with the sadness. The picture is of darkness in my belly and it feels like it goes infinitely far. When I ask myself if that picture is the unlovable one, I notice the picture still has a charge (which makes it a “yes”), and that charge is the sensations in my belly. I feel those sensations.

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Own inquiry: Unloved

 

Abbreviated notes on own UI inquiry on “I am unloved” / the one who is unloved.

“I am unloved”. Yes.

Sensations in chest, throat, face, belly,

Picture of me sitting here, looking unloved. Yes.

Belly contraction. Dissipated.

“I am unloved”. Yes.

Chest, throat, face, belly.

Picture of me as an infant, abandoned, unloved, floating in space. Yes.

Face, forehead, belly, chest. Dissipates.

“I am unloved”. Yes.

Throat, face, chest, belly.

Picture of me in elementary school, feeling unloved. Yes.

Throat, as if crying.

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Dark night and trauma

 

Following an awakening or opening phase, there may be another where “the lid is taken off” as Adyashanti says. A good amount of what is unquestioned, unloved, and unhealed in us comes to the surface, and we have little or no ability to set it aside or push it away.

It’s as if life wants to heal the human side of us, so we can become better vessels for the clarity, love, and awakening. The more we have questioned our unquestioned stories, the more we have found love for what’s unloved in us and our experience, and the more we have healed and matured as human beings, the better the clarity, love, and awakening can be expressed and lived through us.

For some, this may be more gentle and ongoing, and without dramatic “dark nights” of this type.

For some, it may be relatively short, or less intense. Perhaps if they already are quite healthy as a human being, and relatively free of what’s unloved and unhealed.

And for some, it can be quite dramatic, intense, and overwhelming. I seem to find myself in this category now.

Why is it more dramatic and intense in some cases? I suspect part of the answer is trauma. If there is more trauma – more that is unquestioned, unloved, and unhealed – this type of dark night may be more intense as well, and perhaps even last longer. There is simply more material to question, find love for, and heal.

The drawback then is that this phase may be more rocky, painful, and last longer, and it can impact ones life in many areas. The benefit is that there is an opportunity to learn a great deal through this process. And this may in turn even benefit others. There are plenty of examples of “wounded healers”.

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Spirituality as a strategy to be loved, acceptable, good enough

 

For some of us, spirituality can be a strategy to be good enough.

We feel deficient in some ways. Not good enough. Unlovable. Unloved. Unacceptable.

We think that if we engage in spirituality, we’ll finally be acceptable. We strive to be good, we wish for enlightenment, we hope to come to heaven.

And when that happens, we’ll be good enough. We’ll be lovable. We’ll be accepted – by ourselves, others, life, God.

So why not question those assumptions? I am not good enough, is it true? I’ll be more acceptable in the future, is that true?

Can I find someone who is not good enough? Unlovable? Unloved? Can I find that person, outside of my images, words, and sensations? Can I find acceptance? Love? Enlightenment? A good person? Heaven? (Living Inquiries.)

Maybe it was all created by my own mind in the first place. The sense of being deficient, and the idea that spirituality – or anything else – will finally make us whole and good enough. And it doesn’t help to “know” or think that, or attach to that idea. I really need to look. Leave no stone unturned.