Several people – including Barry – suggests that what I am going through is a transformation of the will (aka “dark night of the soul”).
Where there used to be a very strong will, and others said I was a strong willed person, there is now very little. I seem unable to make clear choices (apart from on rare occasions), unable to follow up on plans, and unable to know what will happen with me even in the short term future in terms of what will feel right, how much energy and clarity I will have, if I will be able to follow through on something, and so on.
My personal will seems mortally wounded, and almost not there. What’s left of the personal will is the resistance to what’s happening. A struggle with what’s happening in my life, with the lack of personal will, with the absence of ability to plan and follow through on plans, plans falling apart and hopes dashed.
So how do “I” navigate in this new terrain? How to navigate if there is little or no personal will? How to navigate if there is little or no identification as a doer, a being, a planner?
In a sense, it’s familiar territory. And in another way, for the emotional levels of me, it’s very unfamiliar. It’s familiar at a global and awareness level. It’s very unfamiliar where beliefs are still held at an emotional level. That’s where the struggle seems to be.
All I can ask for is to be show the way, to be shown the next step, to be shown how to navigate this terrain, to consciously align more closely with love and reality.
And all of these are labels and interpretations. Is it true it’s a dark night? That it’s a transformation of the will? Is it true something is going wrong? Is it true I am not up to the task? Is it true I am making a mess of it? Is it true I should be over it now? Is it true I am making a mistake? Is it true I am holding onto resistance?