I decided to create a new series of posts on shorter personal notes. These will overlap some in topic with my ongoing journals.
Going through old music favorites
I created two articles with some of my current and older music favorites. I have listened to a lot over the years and have forgotten about many, which is one reason why I am doing it. I want to bring some of them back in my listening.
Here are some of these. Some of them are also surprisingly moving for me.
The perfection of imperfect song
Some of what I am listening to reminds me of how much I sometimes love imperfect song. Singing that’s a little off tune, off beat, or rough around the edges and through that convey emotions or a mood. These three are examples of that each in their own way.
This singing is conventionally perfect, but even here it has little phrasings that don’t quite follow the beat and convey emotions.
Music has always been important to me, and I love discovering new-to-me music. See below for some of my current and past favorites organized by category.
I tend to listen to full albums so the individual songs here are representatives for their albums and likely also more albums by the same artist/performer. This list spans a wide range of genres and the music I actually listen spans a lot more than what’s listed here. On Spotify, I often explore mixed playlists based on one artist to discover related ones (“Radio …” etc.).
I tend to listen to one musician/ genre/ composer/ performer for a while – hours, days and sometimes weeks – before switching to something else.
Music has always been important to me, and I love discovering new-to-me music. I thought I would make a list of a few music favorites over the years. I have listened to a lot so this helps me remember and revisit some of them.
I tend to listen to full albums so the individual songs here are representatives for their albums and likely also more albums by the same artist/performer. This list spans a wide range of genres and the music I actually listen spans a lot more than what’s listed here. On Spotify, I often explore mixed playlists based on one artist to discover related ones (“Radio …” etc.).
I realize the combination of music can seem a bit odd and discordant. In reality, I tend to listen to one musician/ genre/ composer/ performer for a while – hours, days and sometimes weeks – before switching to something else.
My fantasies and longings are pointers and guides for myself.
My fantasy
I notice a fantasy in the back of my mind: that someone eventually will take my writings here and do a study of the intersection of awakening, trauma, society, culture, and how it all unfolded in this life.
Maybe as one among many similar studies to find more universal patterns and their expressions in real and lived lives.
In real life
I know it’s a fantasy and it’s very unlikely that it will happen, and a part of me feels embarrassed that the fantasy sometimes comes up as an image far in the back of my mind.
Of course, there is a tiny possibility it will happen. I have written extensively and I try to be transparent and honest in my writings1. Some are interested in how awakening unfolds in real lived lives. AI makes it feasible to sift through a large collection of writings, extract the important articles, and find patterns and how it all unfolds over time.
And, as mentioned, there is a chance someone will do just that with a larger collection of writings and documented lives to find patterns, and mine will be part of that sample. (My dark night journey is already included as one of several personal accounts in The Dark Night of the Soul: A Journey from Absence to Presence.)
If I were a student or researcher at a university open to these topics, I would love to do just that kind of study2.
As a pointer and guide
There is something about that fantasy that’s more important.
I notice there is a very good reason for that fantasy: I long to be seen, for my life to be taken seriously, and for someone to be on my side. I didn’t have it growing up, and I didn’t learn to do it well for myself.
I long for me to do that – to see me, take my life seriously, and more consistently be on my own side. That’s what the longing is really about.
It’s a pointer and invitation for me to do just that.
My writings here
I assume my writings here – more than 10,000 published articles and more than 6 million words – are an attempt to do just that, and the volume may reflect both the urgency of that need and that writing doesn’t quite hit the mark.
Why did I gravitate to writing? It’s likely for several reasons: I have loved reading and writing since early childhood, I tend to try to find safety in understanding, and it’s something I can do even if I am bedbound. There is nothing inherently wrong with that approach, and it does serve other purposes, although it may not be the most direct way for me to meet those primal and very understandable needs.
A more direct approach
A direct approach is likely more effective, and I do that too, although maybe less consistently.
This means being with the wounded parts of me, getting to know them through dialogue – including the child and teenage versions of me, listening to them, feeling and allowing what comes up, and more consistently being on their (my) side.
Equally or more importantly, it means being on my side now – in how I am with myself and others, and in how I live in the world.
NOTES
(1) Although I usually don’t go into great detail of how it all looks in my daily life, so that’s missing. I tend to use broader strokes for that part of the process.
(2) It would be a dream project, and possibly something I can do even if I am not connected to a research institution. Informal studies are valuable too. I am not immediately drawn to it, but have been in the past and it may well return.
The photo is of me, likely the summer I was four or five somewhere in the mountains of Norway.
I saw a post in a CFS/ME group on Facebook asking if others experience the world or themselves as dreamlike. A large number of commenters said they do. Some attributed it to trauma, although I suspect something more is going on here. I have long suspected a connection because of my own experience.
Background
First, some background.
Derealization refers to an experience of the world as unreal or dreamlike. Depersonalization refers to an experience of oneself, this human self, as unreal and dreamlike. These two are often seen as trauma-related, as ways the system deals with otherwise overwhelming trauma.
Brain fog, typical of CFS, is usually described as a set of cognitive dysfunctions that involve executive cognitive functions (memory, processing, etc.) and is often characterized by a direct experience of wooliness or fogginess.
The diagnostic criteria for CFS/ME do not include derealization and depersonalization and they are not included among the typical symptoms.
My story (part one): CFS and the experience of the world as dreamlike
In my case, there seems to be an intriguing connection between CFS and an experience of the world as dreamlike.
On New Year’s Day when I was fifteen, I was standing outside of my parents’ house and it felt like a fog came in and the world became distant. The whole world, including this human self, seemed to be far away. It came with an experience of wooliness and fogginess. This was profoundly disturbing to me.
I later understood that this was how the CFS/ME started, a few months after I had mononucleosis. I don’t remember how soon the many other symptoms came (fatigue, other aspects of brain fog, PEM, and so on), but I assume it was the same day or within a few days.
I still experience the world and this human self as unreal and dreamlike, appearing within and as consciousness just like a dream. It’s stronger when I am in a CFS-crash and have PEM, and it’s also stronger when my general brain fog is stronger – sometimes because of brain-fog inducing food (sugar, wheat, dairy).
If my sense of the world as distant, unreal, and dreamlike was connected with trauma, I would expect it to get stronger during stress and when emotionally triggered. It does not. If anything, I tend to feel sharper and more present then. Instead, it closely follows my CFS symptoms in general. It gets stronger with PEM and when food worsens my brain fog. To me, that suggests it’s related to CFS and not trauma.
I am used to it by now, although when it’s strong, and I am with people, I sometimes become very conscious about it and it still feels slightly disturbing until I remind myself that it’s normal for me.
Possible connections
There are several possible connections between CFS/ME and a dreamlike experience of the world and/or themselves.
The simplest explanation is that it’s an aspect of brain fog. Of the many aspects and expressions of brain fog, an experience of the world/this human self as dreamlike may be one – at least for some or many with CFS.
Some suspect a connection between psychological trauma and CFS, at least in some cases. Trauma may make some of us more susceptible to later getting CFS/ME. That may be the case for me too. It’s not the full picture but it may be one vulnerability. (In many cases, a virus or bacteria may be the actual trigger, with the Epstein-Barr virus as a classic example.)
If so, the derealization/depersonalization associated with trauma may be the reason why many with CFS/ME experience just that.
Is it sometimes misattributed and misdiagnosed?
There is another interesting and important possibility here.
Derealization and depersonalization may, in some cases, be expressions of CFS-related brain fog, and misattributed and misdiagnosed as trauma symptoms.
Of course, some CFS patients will also have genuine trauma-related derealization/depersonalization. But I suspect there is occasional misdiagnosis, especially among doctors and psychiatrists who are not very familiar with CFS.
Why is it not identified or talked about?
If this is a relatively common symptom of CFS/ME, why is it not officially identified or talked about?
It may be because it’s typically associated with psychological trauma so doctors may not think of measuring it as a neurological or physiological symptom. If it comes up, they may interpret it as a trauma response unrelated to the CFS.
What can the unreal and dreamlike experience tell us about CFS?
If one expression of CFS-related brain fog is the experience of the world as distant, unreal, and dreamlike, then what does that tell us about CFS?
What mechanisms are behind it? Can identifying these help us understand and possibly treat CFS?
Existing research
We know that several conditions, unrelated to psychological trauma, can cause an experience of the world as distant, unreal, or dreamlike.
We also know that several studies have found dysregulation of a wide range of systems in CFS patients. These include sensory and perceptual disturbances, reduced blood flow to the brain, and balance and vestibular disturbances. (See below for more on this.) All of this can possibly be connected to an experience of a dreamlike world/self.
Future research
CFS/ME research has limited funding so I understand that this is not a priority, but these topics are interesting and possibly important, and I assume they will be addressed by future research.
Here are some questions:
How common is it for CFS/ME patients to experience the world as distant, dreamlike, or unreal?
For those who experience it, does it worsen with PEM? Does it worsen with stronger brain fog?
Is this definitely connected with psychological trauma? Or could it be an expression of CFS-related brain fog?
What are some of the biological changes connected with CFS-patients experience of the world as unreal and dreamlike? Can understanding these help us treat CFS?
If it is an expression of CFS-related brain fog, how often is it misattributed to and misdiagnosed as psychological trauma?
How can we best help CFS patients disturbed by this experience of the world as unreal and dreamlike?
My story (part two): The world as dreamlike and awakening
Here is the second part of my story, which I am adding here since it goes beyond the conventional.
There is an intriguing connection between experiencing the world as dreamlike and awakening.
Later, I saw the shift at age fifteen as a kind of absorption into the witness, or an identification as an abstract witness. “I” became a witness, and this witness witnessed all (other) content of experience and experienced it as far away. Identification went out of this human self and into this mental construct of a witness.
Almost exactly one year later, between Christmas and New Year when I was sixteen, there was a oneness shift. All without exception was revealed as God AKA the divine AKA consciousness. Or, in other words, my nature as consciousness recognized itself as all there is. There was a shift out of identification as a witness and into finding myself as Big Mind or consciousness.
I suspect the first shift, into the witness and the world as distant, set the stage for the second shift.
It may be that the Epstein-Barr infection set the stage for the CFS a few months later. The CFS came with a strong brain fog including the sense of the world and this human self as distant and far away. And that, in turn, set the stage for the oneness shift a year later. That’s not the whole story, obviously, but it may be part of it.
CFS & spirituality / awakening
It’s possible that more CFS/ME patients than average are into spirituality. There is no research on this, but it’s my impression and it seems others have that impression too.
A chronic disease like CFS/ME may bring people to spirituality, and the reverse may be the case as well. People with a personality leaning towards spirituality may be more susceptible to ME/CFS for whatever reason. (Just like the “good girl/boy” syndrome often described by people who work with CFS/ME patients.)
I also wonder something else. If people with CFS have an experience of the world and/or this human self as dreamlike, they are already more than half way to awakening. It just requires a slight shift in noticing for them to recognize their more fundamental nature, which is consciousness. It seems like a golden opportunity.
I have written about the two significant shifts in my teens in other articles.
New Year’s Day when I was fifteen, there was a shift where the world went far away. Later, I understood this as an absorption into the witness, or, more accurately, an identification with the mental construction of witness.
One year later, between Christmas and New Year, there was a oneness shift that never really went away.
Here, I feel I should write a bit about the fallout of that second shift. Mainly, the massive influx of energies, insights, and inspirations that came with it and was ongoing in the following years.
Influx of insights
At the moment of the oneness shift, it was clear that everything without exception is God. Everything is the divine taking the form of existence, the universe, this human being, and a perception of being this human self or recognizing itself as the whole. It’s all the play of the divine.
It was utterly simple, obvious, and familiar.
In the following days, it was also clear that it was impossible to express or record this in words. Words can’t touch it.
And in the following days, weeks, months, and years, there was a huge influx – or bubbling up – of other insights. I wrote thousands of pages in my journal. Last year, I found them again and I see that what I wrote about then is what I write about in these articles now. The main difference is that then, it was all new and there was more youthful exuberance. And now, I know more about what others have said about it. (Back then, I knew nothing about that.)
The thousands of pages from then, and the thousands of articles now, is because it is impossible to put it into words. It also helps my human self digest it.
I am still exploring and digest those insights, and learning to live more from and as it.
Influx of energies
With that oneness shift came an experience of huge amounts of energies running through my system. Even at the time, I felt as if high voltage was running through ordinary housing wires. This lasted for years.
At times, it seemed this had an impact on things around me, including – during my first time in Salt Lake City – light bulbs going out as soon as I came into a room.
Influx of inspiration
Along with all of this was also a huge influx of inspiration. I would see amazing and beautiful visual art for my inner eye, and hear amazing, beautiful, and textured music for my inner ear, and yet I had very little ability to get it out. I didn’t have the skills or experience.
I did try, and I did get into art with a passion for many years. The drawing above is one of the first drawings I made and with that one, I was able to be more of an open channel although my technical skills were not very good. (That drawing was later accepted into a prestigious juried exhibition in Norway, Høstutstillingen.)
The summer when I was fifteen, I borrowed a sound module from a friend for a week. (I already had an Amiga computer with music software.) During that week, I composed and created some music that I still happen to have recordings of. Again, what I heard was far more textured and beautiful than what I was able to express with limited skills and time. Here are these early compositions on SoundCloud.
When did it start? How long did it last?
If I am honest, I am not sure if all of this started with the oneness shift. Some of it did likely start the year before, especially some of the inspiration. I am pretty sure I made that music the summer when I was fifteen.
For how long did this last? It lasted for at least ten years, with some reduction in intensity over time.
It slowed down after about ten years since I went against my clear inner guidance on a major life decision. That dampened it all.
Side-effects of awakening
Awakening itself is our nature noticing itself. The awake space we are, and always are and have been, notices itself. That’s it.
There can also be side-effects. In my case, the side effects were quite dramatic. Why? Likely because the shift was unexpected, sudden, and this human self was completely unprepared in every way. I was just an angsty atheist teenager.
If you have a practice of meditation, prayer, mindful movement, learning, and so on, I suspect the shift may be easier and far less dramatic.
After-effects
When this massive influx comes to mind, it brings up discomfort. I haven’t written about this before because of that discomfort, and it has taken months to finish this article. That makes me think that for all the wonders of the side-effects of the initial oneness shift, something about it was also quite traumatizing for my human self and psyche.
On the one hand, it was not overwhelming since it all happens within and as the awake space I am. On the other hand, for my human self, it was overwhelming. Although that, in itself, seemed OK.
What was more difficult at a human level was when I derailed myself. That has left a deep wound. I derailed myself when I was twenty seven by going against a clear inner guidance on a major life decision. That disrupted the natural unfolding of all of this, and that was immensely difficult and painful for me. (And all of it is part of the process.)
Additional articles
I have written about other aspects of what happened within and before this shift. See the autobiographical section on the selected articles page.
A note on words
I call it influx but it’s not clear that it’s coming from anywhere. It’s more a bubbling up of insights, inspiration, and energies.
Also, I call it a oneness shift. It gets the point across but doesn’t really match my experience. It’s more that it’s all the divine without exception. It’s all consciousness without exception. As they say in Advaita, it’s not-two.
Many of the current natural disasters in the world – wildfires, flooding, drought, dry rivers, and so on – are design problems.
They come from how we have designed our civilization and how we change ecosystems. Climate change is just one aspect of this, although it gets most of the attention.
It’s simple. Healthy ecosystems prevent or reduces the scale of almost all natural disasters. For instance, they are hydrated so they prevent or reduces the scale of wildfires and droughts, and they feed springs, creeks, rivers, and the ground water. Healthy mangroves reduces the impacts of hurricanes and typhoons. Food production that’s diverse, in layers, and uses ground cover is much better able to thrive in droughts, hot weather, and a changing climate.
At Finca Milagros, we are very aware of this and actively work on creating and encouraging a healthier ecosystem. We create terraces which slows down the water and helps it soak into the ground. We improve the soil through compost and mulch which helps water soak into the ground and reduces evaporation. We will slow down the water in the mostly dry creek/river with porous stone dams. We are planting a large number of diverse native and climate-appropriate trees which helps the water soak into the ground. We are planting in layers which creates shade and cools the area through evapotranspiration. In all of these ways, we are creating a more healthy ecosystem, and that – in turn – reduces the risk of wildfires, drought, flooding, and more.
These design solutions can be used at any scale, including at community and regional levels.
A FEW MORE NOTES
As usual, there is a lot more to say about this.
When I say “design problem” I mean that they are often caused by poor design and they have design solutions.
Even earthquakes are a design problem. They are not caused by human activity, but how we design our communities and houses obviously can prevent a disastrous outcome when they first happen. Preventing poverty is a big part of this since it’s typically those with the least resources who are impacted the most.
I don’t know why reporters and experts in the media rarely mention this. They seem to have a fixation on climate change which is important but just a small part of the bigger picture. If I was a reporter, I would include this as much as I can and put it in the foreground whenever possible.
I wrote this mainly to see if I could get an article into a relatively large newspaper (4-5 million readers they said), and the text was mainly an excuse to print the photos. These are very small versions of the photos, and I am missing some of my favorites. (I have larger versions on a CD in storage and will update if or when I access them.) The article went over a few pages in the Sunday edition. As with so much in my life, it was enough for me to see that I could do it, and I haven’t really written articles for publication since. I was in Boudha and the Kathmandu valley for half a year to study Tibetan Buddhism and stayed in a couple of different monasteries. The first photos are from the Loshar celebration at the Boudhanath Stupa, and the rest are from Swayambhunath, both in Kathmandu.
Tibetans in Kathmandu and the celebration of Loshar
Printed in the Salt Lake Tribune in May 1997
A colorful crowd gathers in the area around the stupa. Hundreds of Tibetans, outnumbering the few curious westerners present, are dressed in a wide variety of traditional costumes sometimes mixed with western clothes. They smile, laugh and greet family and friends as they bump into them in the crowd. The atmosphere is saturated with anticipation. A group of monks led by a high rank teacher appear and pass through the lion-framed gate into the inner area of the stupa.
The Tibetans lift their arms, singing with voices slowly increasing in volume and pitch. As the song reaches its climax, hands open and white clouds fills the air. Flour is slowly descending on us, symbolizing hopes of a coming year of sufficient material resources, good health, and happiness. My friend tries to brush it off, is gently prevented, then informed that to keep it on his jacket is a sign of good fortune.
This is Loshar, Tibetan New Year, celebrated at the time of the new moon in February. The setting is Boudha, a village northeast of Kathmandu and the site of one of the largest Tibetan communities in Nepal.
Two forces formed this refugee community. One being the intolerable conditions in Tibet following the Chinese occupation in the 1950s, and the subsequent steady stream of Tibetan refugees re-settling in countries across the world. The attracting force of this particular village is the Tibetans familiarity with Boudha and the journey there. A familiarity acquired through centuries of pilgrimage to Boudhanath, one of a number of stupas found across the Buddhist areas of the world, and this one among the most important religious monuments for Buddhists in the Himalayan region.
Despite differences in appearance, large or miniature, domed or with a pyramid shaped spire, all stupas express the Buddhist view of the nature of mind and reality. Every feature, from their overall form and down to their smallest details, represent aspects of Buddhist philosophy. This particular stupa is one of the largest and most well-known. Its white dome and painted eyes, the all-seeing and compassionate eyes of the Buddha, are made known across the world through photographs and movies.
This year monks at only two Tibetan monasteries in Kathmandu performed the traditional Tor-gya rite at Loshar. Usually more monasteries take part in the celebration but this time a high-ranking and deeply respected teacher had died just a few days prior to the celebration, dampening the festivities.
As is the case with stupas, and nearly every aspect of a culture permeated by Buddhism, this ritual dance is an expression of the Buddhist philosophy and world-view. Featuring ghosts, demons and jesters, it is also an example of how Buddhism adopts local cultural traditions and use them as vehicles for Buddhist philosophy.
Of great entertainment value for Tibetans and westerners alike, it attracts a large audience. I must admit that the detailed symbolism of the dance escapes me, not being initiated into the apparently intricate events it depicts. At various times the performance is dominated by monks in beautifully brocaded silk costumes performing slow dances, a group of pale ghosts, demon-like figures, and two jesters performing practical jokes on each other and the audience. Everything dramatically accompanied by cymbals and various horns.
Later in the afternoon, as the sun is about to set, the abbot of the monastery appears. Performing a slow intricate dance he throws small figures into the flames of a fire below the monastery. This act can be seen as having different levels of meaning. On a “folk” level the dance is a symbolic exorcism of the evil of last year. The demons symbolize and are scapegoats for these actions and are sacrificed to “clear the slate” for the coming year. On a more profound level they symbolize ones own actions performed out of a selfish motivation, and the burning of them the resolution to work on changing these attitudes.
Loshar is the main holiday for Tibetans. It provides a day or two off from work and an opportunity to indulge in a favorite past time for Tibetans—celebration and spending time with family and friends. Apart from the morning festivities by the stupa the streets are unusually quiet and empty at this time.
Normally though, Boudha is buzzing with the activities of daily life. The area around Boudhanath houses an abundance of shops, restaurants and guest houses run by Tibetans and also dozens of larger and smaller monasteries.
These secular and religious activities testify to the ability and willingness of the Tibetans to create a new life in a foreign country, partly adopting aspects of modern western life and partly recreating their traditional life. Modern western technology and lifestyle coexists in a striking way with traditional clothes and artifacts and and lifestyles formed centuries ago. Here you find robed monks drinking tea, watching CNN and Fashion Channel satellite transmitted to local guest houses.
Not only the traditional and the modern, but also the spiritual and the secular are interwoven. Both monks and lay people perform ordinary mundane activities as well as religious activities such as reciting mantras, circumambulating the stupa and turning small prayer wheels located in recesses in the stupa wall. The secular takes on a spiritual significance and the spiritual is manifested through the activities of ordinary life.
In addition to being industrious the Tibetans are known to be sincere and friendly. It is not unusual for even a short-term visitor to be invited into a shop, a home, or a monastery kitchen for a cup of tea, a meal, and a good conversation. Living there for a few weeks you easily make friends among the people, be it the family running the guest house where you live, monks you meet at the streets or in tea shops or shopkeeper families. Tibetans in Boudha more often than not know enough English to converse.
You also easily make friends among the other travelers. When in a foreign and exotic culture people sharing the common fate of being an visitor tend to gravitate together, sharing the joys and frustrations that is part of this experience. Here you find people from every continent of the world. Some are here for a few days, staying at hotels downtown. Some are traveling in Asia for months at a time, living in local guest houses and seeking to experience the flavor of the places more intimately.
There is also an opportunity to study the philosophy that forms the world view of the Tibetans. You can live in one of the monasteries that take guests and get to know the monks and activities of the monastery. In addition, several monasteries arrange classes and seminars on the subject of Tibetan language, meditation, Buddhist philosophy and practical guidelines for how to relate to situations of life. These are held by often high ranking Tibetan teachers and translated by some of their long-time western students. During the three months I was there a large number of seminars were arranged, lasting from a few days to a month.
Buddhist world-view and practice are an integral part of life for most Tibetans, be they monks, nuns or lay people. The founder of Buddhism, Siddharta Gautama, set out to explore the nature of mind 2500 years ago in northern India. After years of meditation he realized the nature of mind and reality and attained Enlightment. In the Four Noble Truths, Buddhism in a nutshell, he points out that we are chronically dissatisfied with life and the cause of this dissatisfaction is identified as the dualistic and fragmented way we experience the world. Fortunately there is a path which, if followed diligently and under guidance of a teacher, will lead to a lasting and profound fulfillment. This eightfold path, which includes meditation and ethical activities, will open up for a direct, intimate and liberating experience of the nature of mind and reality. Through realizing the oneness and ever changing nature of all phenomena one develops an attitude of non-attachment to fleeting phenomena and compassion for all beings.
So, if you live in Boudha what can you expect from an ordinary day? Just before sunrise Boudha comes to life. Stray dogs bark, roosters crow, monks in the monasteries blow horns and chant, flickers of light escape through cracks in doors and walls, some people walk to their shops, others are on their bikes quietly rattling along the dirt roads, a few cars are expelling black fumes. Buildings and people appear as blue silhouettes in the dim morning light. At the stupa people are circumambulating and reciting mantras, by the road circling the stupa a few women are selling still warm bread.
The sun rises. Details of the surroundings are gently washed out by the morning mist and later reappear as the mist dissolves. Shops open, more people are on the streets, a leper takes her position at the main entrance to the stupa area. The main street becomes an inferno of bikes, honking cars driving on either side of the road, buses bursting with their human load, and dogs, cows and people filling the available areas of the road and the sidewalks.
As it gets closer to noon more westerners appear, drawn by images and tales of Boudhanath. They are amazed by the stupa, fascinated by the Tibetan merchandise offered, and enjoy a meal at one of the restaurants in the area. In the afternoon most return to downtown Kathmandu.
At sunset the shops are closed and people go home to their families and a meal. Some evenings candles are sold on the street circling the stupa. There is a room opposite of the entrance into the stupa, dark and with Buddhist wall paintings, where candles are lit and placed. At full moon the stupa is lit by candles or electric lights. As in the Christian traditions these express a wide range of human hopes and aspirations such as good health and sufficient material resources. For the Tibetans a few more are added: a home country free from occupation, and the ultimate relief from suffering in Buddhism — a direct insight into the nature of mind.
As the night falls fewer people are outside. The streets become the domain of a few late wanderers and packs of howling dogs. Boudha is quiet for a few hours, then it awakens to a new day for locals and visitors alike—as the darkness is dispelled by the rising sun.
I am on a beautiful island not far away. It’s a good location, not expensive, and few people live there. I am very familiar with it from my own life. I am there with two friends, both younger women. The locals are latin but speak English. It has a varied and dramatic look similar to Madeira, Las Palmas, and so on. It’s full of character. One of my friends want to hike up a steep hill with a forest and a spectacular view on the ocean on the top. I say I would love to, but can’t because I know it won’t be good for my health.
We visit the house of an older man who collects art. He has a lot of paintings, some of international high quality. The character and look of the paintings reflect the island. He also has some by my father. They knew each other. It’s clear he needs help organizing and storing the paintings more safely. I know I can do it, and that he will likely hire me to do it.
I realize this island would be a good place to live. It seems an obvious choice but I had dismissed it before. Maybe it seemed too obvious.
I woke up from a neighbor slamming a door at 3:30am, which helped me remember this dream! Otherwise, I very likely would not have remembered when I woke up on my own at 6am or so.
Day residue includes some years now of thinking of buying something on an island, preferably like this with temperate climate and plenty of water. In the dream, the island is very familiar and I am there with two female friends. I take care of myself with ease while maintaining a good relationship. I also realize I can help curate the art collection, which is in part world class. I know I am very likely to be hired. And I realize this is a good place to live, and am surprised I have discounted it before.
In my life in the world, it reflects my seeking of a place – possibly on Madeira or Las Palmas or another island – to invest some money and live or rent out. My closest friends are mostly female, and have been my whole life (apart from challenging years in late elementary school and in middle school). I am learning to take care of myself with more ease and simplicity. (Although I have a lot to learn still.) My friend is ambitious and wants to climb the hill, and I am happy to have abandoned those ambitions. I love art, and my father was an artist – alongside his architecture business. I sorted through and put a lot of my parents’ art in storage last year, and have curated some of my own things this year – articles on this website, photos, and so on. And I am realizing that what’s close is often pretty good – both in Norway and at Finca Milagros. I don’t need to find a third location or assume it needs to be complicated far away or complicated.
In my inner life, this is a contained part of me, maybe this human self asa whole? It’s familiar to me, as I as am to myself (to some extent!). This human self has character and has different cultures within it. I am leaning to feminine parts of me for support and enjoyment of life. I am learning to set kind boundaries with myself and pushy parts of me. I have artistic parts, and also parts of me that collects and curates what’s beautiful. (And true since they are two sides of the same coin.) I seem to be called to live more fully in this place and also curate and organize the collection.
I have a sense there is a lot more to this inner mirror so I’ll stay with the dream.
Update: I realize that the island is volcanic. It comes from primal forces, just like all of us.
Note: The photo is from a visit to Madeira in September 2022.
This is one in a series of posts with brief notes on society, politics, and nature. I sometimes include short personal notes as well. Click “read more” to see the entries in this installment.
There are no non-radical futures
We are in global ecological overshoot. Collectively, we use more of Earth’s resources than our living systems can generate. That means erosion of ecosystem, loss of species, climate disruptions, rising ocean levels, toxins in our bodies, and much more. It can’t last.
The problem is not something we can fix by tweaking our systems here and there. The problem is at the core of our civilization. It’s the idea of separation and infinite Earth.
Our civilization operates on the essential assumption that we are separate from ecosystems and Earth, and that Earth has infinite capacity to supply us with what we need and infinite capacity to absorb our waste. Rationally, we know that’s not true. But viscerally and in how our systems work, that’s what we operate on.
That means there are no non-radical futures. Realistically, we have two futures.
One is where we continue on our path which leads to continued unraveling of the living systems we are part of. If we collectively don’t learn and change, most humans will die.
Another is where we collectively decide to profoundly change our civilization to operate on ecologically informed assumptions – of interconnectedness and a finite Earth. This will change how we organize ourselves in all areas of life. It may also require us to take a more conscious role as temporary expressions of this living and evolving system we call Earth.
Both of these are radical. One is radical unraveling. The other is radical transformation.
This is one in a series of posts with brief notes on healing, awakening, and personal things. These are more spontaneous and less comprehensive than the regular articles. Some may be made into a regular article in time.
Do you believe in hell?
I am watching a movie (A month in the country) where a young woman asked the main character this question.
If I was asked that, depending on the person and situation, I may say: I try to believe as little as possible. Or: I don’t know and cannot know. Or: It’s an idea created to control people.
Or I may say: I know, I don’t believe.
I know hell is created by my own mind. I experience and live in hell sometimes. Parts of me live in hell because they operate from unexamined and painful beliefs. Hell is right here. As is heaven, purgatory, and similar.
Apart from that, I don’t know and I don’t need to know.
I know that believing in this way serves an important function for some people. And I know that parts of me believe stressful thoughts and hold onto them as true. Also, at a conscious level, believing in this context doesn’t make sense to me. Why would I pretend something is true or not if I don’t know and cannot know? Why should I pretend I know whether second-hand info is accurate?
The photo is from the National Gallery in London from earlier this year.
This is a continuation of the journal I started when I went to Amritapuri in December and continued in London and Oslo. As usual, it will be as much a journal of my inner world as my outer.
Saturday August 1, 2026
My father’s student apartment in Oslo
In the morning, I took the tram to Grünerløkka to return the Adventures of Hergé book, and then continued to the area just beyond the palace. Yesterday, I looked at my mother’s brief memoirs which had the address of where my father lived as a student (Niels Juelsgate 44), and also their first apartment in Oslo (Huitfeltsgate 11). I went to both places and stayed there for a while.
Next to the National Museum which is just a short walk away. (Unfortunately, the museum library is closed on Saturdays so I’l be back next week.) Then to Akershus fortress, where my father was the architect for the military museum. And finally to the main library where I read for a while, including in a book about the history of Japanese photography. I also sat on a couple of benches and read on this journey. It was a beautiful day.
The photos above are from where my father lived as a student. When I was there, a young man was moving in with a lot of fishing and hunting equipment out in the hallway. My father loved fishing and hunting, especially at that age, so it was a nice synchronicity.
Dette er min mors oversikt over hennes liv som hun skrev til meg for noen år siden. Hun døde i august i fjor, og min far i april.
Litt om familiens liv og levnet på morssiden
Side 1 (I)
Per.Litt om familiens liv og levnet på morssiden.
Min mor, Leonora Leknesund, var født 15/3 1899 av foreldre: Bernt Kverhellen, f. 4/9-1870 og Karine Kverhellen, f. 18/8-1870. Begge disse oldeforeldrene dine var født akkurat 100 år før deg. (Fire generasjoner).
Min morfar var underoffiser (Garden), lærer, ordfører i mange år, og vigselmann. Han nøt stor anseelse og respekt og var både myndig og verdig, og var en foregangsmann og flink til alt. Blant annet stemte han for republikk i 1905.
Noen av de andre beboerne var nok litt irritert på han, for han ville nok gjerne bestemme ting for andre også. Han var svært flink til å skrive, både dikt og prosa, og han hadde en masse bøker. I dem satt jeg nedsunket da jeg var på besøk, mens de andre barna var ute og lekte.
Min mormor, Karine, var et elskelig menneske, snill, hyggelig og vennlig og full av fantespek. Vi barna syntes det var svært moro å være sammen med henne, og vi var svært glade i henne. Hun var flink med håndarbeide og var en ypperlig kokk. De hadde mange barn, 9 i alt, en liten gård med en del dyr, så hun hadde mye å gjøre, for morfar var mye ute og reiste i embeds medfør. Åtte av barna levde opp, en døde da han var 9 mndr. gml. Antagelig var det krybbedød, og ett barn lå så galt at morfar måtte velge mellom mor og barn.
Min far, Harald Karlsen Leknesund, var født 2/06-1901 av foreldre: Karl Henriksen Leknesund, f. 1872 og Johanna Klausdatter Leknesund, f. 1873.
Min farfar, Karl, var ca. 5 år i U.S.A. i sin ungdom, da alle søsknene, unntatt en bror, reiste over. Hans mor dro også over litt senere med to av døtrene.
Side 2 (II)
Min farfar var bl.a. gullgraver, hadde arbeide på farm og var med å bygge South Pacific-banen tvers over landet. (Bjørg vet en god del om dette.)
Men han kunne ikke glemme Johanna, så han kom hjem og tok over gården, Leknesund og giftet seg med henne. Han var også svært ansett og respektert, en hedersmann, han også. Gården ble drevet på skikkelig vis, og han var kirketjener i Hersvik kirke i svært mange år, helt til han ble skikkelig gammel. De hadde også mange barn, ti som levde opp. Annfinn, som jeg heter etter, var en kjekk gutt, men døde av giktfeber da han var 15-16 år, og et tvillingpar var dødfødte.
Farfar var en vakker mann, og farmor var en jern og flott kvinne. Hun arbeidet rolig og sindig og fikk utrettet mye, men hun var litt fjern for oss barnebarna. Vi hadde mye mer kontakt med farfar, som vi var glade i. Han var bestandig snill mot oss. Han var også en sindig og traust kar.
Mor ble svært dårlig av spanskesyken i 1918. Hun ble svært dårlig, fikk pleuritt og lå til sengs ett års tid. Hun fikk svak helse av dette, men var utholdende til å arbeide og flink til alt hun tok seg til. Hun vevde en del, også billedvev, spant, kardet og strikket og sydde klær. Hun var også en dyktig fotograf og fremkalte bildene selv i sin ungdom. Det var svært sjelden at noen gjorde den gangen.
Hun gikk på Framnes ungdomsskole i Hardanger og gikk et år i Brukke i Sogn og lærte plantefarging og billedvev. Hun arbeidet som lærerinne i Leknesund før hun giftet seg med far. Hun var eldst og skulle senere overta gården, som var på 30 mål innmark og hadde en vidstrakt utmark og noen holmer.
Alle kom til mor når de skulle ha hjelp til noe, hva det nå enn var. Var det noen som hadde flis i fingeren eller rusk på øyet, så ordnet hun alltid opp.
Side 3 (III)
Hun lignet svært på sin far, både av utseende og ellers på alle måter, – alt hun gjorde, ble vellykket. I Leknesund ble hun en slags selvbestaltet “doktor”.
Min far var møbelsnekker og bygningssnekker. I sin ungdom var han sløydlærer for voksne elever. Han laget virkelig flotte møbler, og han satte opp fine, solide hus for folk. Det var skikkelig utført arbeide, – alt han gjorde, var forseggjort. Han bygde også hus til oss i Leknesund (ca. 1936), men jeg var født i mors barndomshjem på Nautøy. Bjørg er født hjemme hos oss på Haugland. Det kan jeg huske, enda jeg ikke var to år. Jeg måtte være hos farmor hele dagen, og jeg husker hun hadde en brun kjole på seg med små, rosa blomster i tøyet. Jeg lengtet voldsomt hjem, enda det bare var en dag!
Da vi overtok gården, – det måtte være før slutten av krigen, fikk ikke far mye tid til snekker- og bygningsarbeide. Men jeg husker han var på oppdrag utenom omnene. Hver vinter var han på sildefiske, og de årene var det mye, fin sild.
Far var med i kommunestyre, herredstyre het det da, og han var også en ansett og respektert mann, flott og traust å se på, ganske kraftig i voksen alder.
Jeg ble altså født 13/11-34 på Nautøy, – en tirsdag formiddag kl 1130. Vi bodde på Nautøy noen år i et hus som far bygde, men som Tante Solveig og mannen overtok. Senere bodde vi i Leknesund, og da vi overtok gården ble det alt for mye å gjøre, særlig ble det tungt for oss barna. Alt var tungdrevet, – vi ble klystet med langor og stuttor, rakte, husjet og satte såter osv. Vi dyrket korn, poteter og grønnsaker og stelte dyrene. Vi hadde kuer, kviger, okse, kalver, hest, gris, høner og en god del sauer. Det var jo moro med dyrene, og vi hadde også hund og katt, – men særlig i onnene slet vi felt og det ble lange dager. Det var så vidt vi fikk tid til en svømmetur før…
Side 4 (IV)
…middag, som vi spiste kl. 1200 om formiddagen. Så hvilte far og mor en times tid, mens vi barna vasket opp. Etter en kopp kaffe var det på’n igjen. Om sommeren sto vi opp ved 6-tiden om morgenen, men vi var vel da i seng ved 1/2 ellevetiden om kvelden. Utmarka var som sagt svært vidstrakt, og der kunne vi gå i timesvis før vi fant kuene, så vi kunne melke dem, morgen og kveld. Senere fant mor ut at vi kunne ha dem i Ramsholmen, som ligger bak øya som lager sundet vårt. Dit var det et kvarters tid til 20 min. å ro hver vei, så vi sparte mye tid. I godvær var det en fin rotur, men jeg var redd når det blåste mye, så jeg var ikke sær glad for det. But jeg tror søstrene mine likte det godt.
Om søndagene hadde vi noe fri, så da gikk vi på skøyter om vinteren og slo ball og slikt om vår og høst. Vi hadde mye moro sammen med de andre barna, som vi jo ble ungdommer sammen med. Vi hadde noen fine juletrefester og basarer som jeg minnes med glede.
Høsten 1948 ble jeg konfirmert, før jeg fylte 14 år. Etterpå var jeg husjelp hos noen slektninger på Færøy, en øy et stykke fra Leknesund. De hadde gård og holdt dessuten på å bygge nytt hus, så det var mye arbeidsfolk i kosten. Senere var jeg hos broren, som hadde kone og fire barn, men der var det ordnede arbeidsforhold, så der likte jeg meg godt. Høsten etter arbeidet jeg på Askelund Ungdomsskole i Balestrand i Sogn ett år, og året etter begynte jeg på teoretisk linje der med eksamener i alle fag. På båten innover traff jeg Anny, som da het Hanssen, og vi to bodde sammen der på internatet. Siden har vi holdt sammen, så det gamle, gode vennskapet…
Side 5 (V)
…har holdt i alle disse årene, – og stadig utviklet seg. På våren tok vi vårkurset, med husstell, søm og bokføring. I hele denne tiden, i Balestrand, var vi på mange fine fellesturer rundt i Sogn og Hardanger og Sunnfjord. Det er vakkert der inne midt i Sognefjorden, og et flott landskap for turer til fjells og til sjøs.
Anny og jeg gikk på en spesiell linje der for dem som hadde tenkt å bli sykepleier, og vi lærte en del grunnleggende ting.
På sommeren 1953 dro jeg til Oslo og begynte på Vøyenvollen Pleiehjem i Stockflethsgt. for å tjene penger og få praksis til sykepleien. Der likte jeg meg også godt. Jeg var med på svært mye av det som hendte i Oslo på den tiden. Vi var vel nesten overalt (alle som arbeidet der var innflyttere og nysgjerrige på den for oss så store byen). Var V. var bl. a. på Marienlyst, i Rådhuset, på Ekeberg og i Holmenkollen på hopprenn. Vi gikk hele veien fra Sagene og dit, – opp og ned. Jeg husker vi defilerte forbi kronprinsesse Märthas båre i Slottskapellet. Der var vi på gudstjeneste også. Vi var på Jordal Amfi i 1953 da Sonja Henie var der med sitt da så fantastiske isshow, og vi var også på Kirkvaags berømte radioshow det på Jordal om sommeren. Jeg husker lille Grethe Kausland opptrådte der med “Min lille Teddybjørn”. Ellers var vi vel på alle badestrendene i Oslo, men vi likte oss aller best på Ingierstrand. I den tiden gikk det både båt og buss fra Oslo og dit ut. Den gangen var det et flott sted og godt vedlikeholdt. (Nå skal det fikses opp der ute, og båten går igjen.) Vi siden av dette gikk vi på danseskole og gikk en del i bygdelagene om lørdagene og danset.
Side 6 (VI)
Så begynte vi da 30 jenter fra hele landet på Aker Sykepleierskole i august 1954. Der fikk jeg flere gode venninner, bl. andre Synnøve, Åsta, Marit, Martha og Jorunn, og der var det både alvor og moro. Det var travelt der, både på de såkalte lesekursene og på avdelingen. Jeg syntes nattevaktene var de verste, for jeg sov så dårlig om dagen. Men ellers likte jeg stedet, arbeidet og venninnene jeg fikk der. Vi gikk mye turer, spesielt i Nordmarka og Lillomarka og til Grefsenåsen. Det var det passe langt å gå når vi hadde fri om formiddagen og skulle på vakt ved 16-tiden.
Jeg ble bedt med venninner hjem, fordi jeg jo hadde så lang vei hjem. Jeg var mye med Åsta til hennes bror og søster i Oslo, – med Synnøve hjem til Halden, – med Jorunn til Porsgrunn og med Anne-Lise til Gjøje.
Jeg var også 3 mndr. som elev på Dikemark Sykehus ute i Asker, hvor der var sinnslidende.
Mens vi var der, var jeg med Bjørg fra Voss til på en flott påskeferie til Knutehytta på Meheia. Vi hadde ikke nok penger til mat, så vi kjøpte ertesuppe til middag så lange vi hadde penger. Heldigvis ble vi kjent med et par gutter som overlot oss en kasse med mat da de dro hjem et par dager før oss. Det reddet resten av ferien for oss, så vi slapp å sulte. Der på fjellet fikk jeg min første “solforbrenning”, – dvs. det var nok en allergisk reaksjon. Ansiktet var fryktelig opphovnet, og øyenlokkene var så oppsvulmet at jeg nesten ikke kunne se.
Tilbake på Aker S. etter sommerferien gikk livet videre, og i oktober 1956 (jeg tror det var den 21.) traff jeg Ola på dans i Vestlendingen. Vi likte hverandre svært godt, men det var bare vennskap i begynnelsen. Jeg hadde nettopp lagt en alvorlig forelskelse bak meg, og trengte tid til å komme over det. Men Ola og jeg var sammen så ofte vi på noen måte hadde tid.
Side 7 (VII)
Og utpå våren og sommeren 1957 ble det til mere enn vennskap, og vi fikk “fast følge”, som det het på den tiden. Vi var bl. a. på en fin telttur i Nordmarka, men vi frøs falt om nettene fordi vi hadde glemt soveposer. Men dagene var fine, med sol, blåbærplukking, fisking og bading i tjernet.
I aug. 1957 var jeg ferdig utdannet sykepleier med flott avslutning og utdeling av testamonier i Rådhuset i Oslo. Ola var ferdig utdannet arkitekt på samme tid. 28. febr. 1958 skiftet vi ringer på Olas hybel i Niels Juelsgt. 44 i Oslo. Etterpå gikk vi på restaurant Bagatelle like i nærheten og spiste hver sin biff med et glass rødvin til, og til slutt en kopp kaffe. Hele kalaset kom på under 30,- kr for oss begge, husker jeg. (Vi har regningen i et fotoalbum.)
Sommeren 1958 dro vi på rundtur på Vestlandet, og Ola fikk se den flotte naturen, helse på min mor og søstre og andre slektninger. Etter rundturen dro vi til hytta i Rendalen hvor vi tilbrakte resten av ferien. Svigerfar likte ikke mye at vi var der alene.
Vi giftet oss den 25. juli 1959 i Gamle Aker kirke i Oslo. Det var en svært varm dag med +35°C i skyggen. Kirketjeneren var dævhalt og presten var liten og sterkt astmatisk, men vi ble gift. Vi betalte hele bryllupet selv, så bare den nærmeste familie og noen få gode venner var tilstede, i alt 19 personer. Festen var på Frognerseteren hovedrestaurant og det var en skikkelig fin bryllupsfest. Etterpå dro vi til Rendalen på “honeymoon”. Det varme, fine været varte hele sommeren, så vi hadde det flott med fisking, bading, turgåing og multeplukking.
Sommeren etter, i 1960, var vi på tur til Berlin og deretter på hytta. Jeg var da gravid med Jon, og om høsten flyttet vi fra søsterblokkene på Aker S. til Huitfeldtsgt. 11, til en gammel leilighet som vi pusset opp.
Side 8 (VIII)
Jon ble født 6. mars 1961 (en mandag) kl. 1835 på Betanien Sykehus i Oslo, – den eneste fødeplassen som var å oppdrive i Oslo den dagen. I januar 1962 flyttet vi til Ski, til et gammelt hus vi hadde kjøpt i det som da het Krakstadveien 33C. Vi var glade vi kom bort fra Huitfeldtsgt. i Oslo, siden de som bodde over oss, hadde dundrende fester til langt på morgenen nesten hver eneste natt.
Det gikk et par år før jeg begynte å like meg her i Ski, for vi kjente så å si ingen her, bare Risengs. Men etterhvert ble jeg med på litt av hvert og fikk mange gode venner her.
Det året da Per ble født, hendte det mye fint, for da kjøpte vi også huset her, som da var bare noen få år gammelt. Vi fikk et mye bedre liv, for det gamle huset var trekkfullt og svært tungvint.
Du ble født på Rikshospitalet i Oslo fredag …. kl. 1525. Det var på vidt du ikke ble født på gangen, for de holdt på å gjøre rent på badet, så vi kom ikke til. Men selve fødselen gikk svært fort og greit, og du pustet og gråt med det samme, – en riktig kjekk, frinn, liten gutt. Du var 50 cm lang og veide 3880 g. Da du var et par mndr. gammel flyttet vi hit til Oppegårdvn. 8B, den 11. april 1970.
Du var snill og blid bestandig, men fryktelig vill og rampete, med lopper i blodet. Da du var 8 mndr. gammel, løp du avsted med meg etter. Jeg var redd du skulle skade deg når du falt. Det var naturligvis alt for tidlig til å både gå og løpe, men ingenting kunne stoppe deg.
Bortsett fra at du var mye syk, hadde du en fin og trygg barndom. Når du var syk, måtte jeg lese den ene boken for deg etter den andre, slik at jeg til slutt mistet stemmen.
Side 9 (IX)
Jon og Morten var nok ofte ganske lei deg, for du hadde fått for deg at du skulle være med på alt de hadde fore. Da var det ikke lett å være foreldre, for vi forstå godt at de to guttene ville være alene av og til. Men du var svært viljesterk og hadde ikke noen forståelse av at det gikk an å gi seg. Så skikkelig bråk ble det nok av og til.
Jeg begynte på Ski Videregr. skole mens du var liten, og tok eks. art. etter noen år. Jeg hadde alltid savnet den skolen, men den nærmeste skolen i min ungdom var i Sogndal i Sogn, så det ble alt for dyrt da. Samtidig arbeidet jeg ca. 10 år på Legevakten for Oppegård og Ski, og jeg arbeidet også på Olas kontor. De første årene arbeidet jeg på kontoret i Oslo, men de senere årene har jeg sittet med arbeidet hjemme.
Ellers har jeg holdt på med billedvev i mange år, noe som har gitt meg mye glede. Jeg har også gått på Monicaskolen på Grorud i 2 år og vevd flatvev. Jeg har også gått på patchwork-kurs, og er nå med i en billedvevring – en patchworkring og vi har også en bokklubb. Der tar vi for oss forskjellige forfattere etter hvert, leser og diskuterer. Jeg har også vært med i en syklubb i snart 25 år, men der blir det mest småprat.
Jeg tok form og farge bl. a. på Ski Videregående, og der laget vi en del sølvsmykker og en del batikk-bilder. Litt fargelære og tegning var vi også borti. Porselensmaling var til stor glede i flere år, men er nå lagt “på hylla”, – og jeg har også vært borte i rosemaling og andre ting. Det varierer litt.
Akkurat nå har far og jeg begynt på danseskole igjen, og det har vi mye glede av.
Dette var et slags resymé over livet mitt, – noe du kan lese gjennom i ledige stunder.
I am on a road trip in the US South West and come across a small and diverse group of female healers. They are of different ages and from different backgrounds and cultures. They see right through me. One said I had been there before, maybe six years ago, but I was not ready. I can’t remember. This time, I am ready, and it has to do with me being at Amma’s ashram last winter. They give me medicine of different kinds that will reorganize my bodymind. I trust them without needing to think about it. They know me and my process and what’s needed without needing to tell them anything. The process started from the medicine and treatment – which involves touch, hot springs, and more – aligns what’s here, this bodymind, with reality at a very detailed level. I am also reminded of the more natural merge and intend healing I did more of some weeks ago.
This is my dream – from this morning and in waking life. It’s what I wish for. To be seen, understood, for readiness, for a process of healing of body and mind. I wish for it in life, and more than that, I wish for it from myself.
I wish to find it in myself. And really, I wish to more deeply take in that it’s already here.
MORE IN DETAIL
Day residue: Talking with AL who is an amazing female healer.
In the dream, our connections and healing was simple, immediate, visceral, and informed by deep earthy wisdom and also a living recognition of all as the divine / consciousness.
At the end, I was reminded of the simplicity of my more natural way of doing healing – align with the divine and intend. And also that healing for me is an aligning with reality for the whole bodymind. A reorganization.
Why the US? Maybe because I have a deep connection with the land there, especially west of the Rockies. It feels deeply healing for me to be there for that reason.
Why women? Likely because that’s what I need for healing. I need to deepen into the feminine orientation of allowing, accepting, nurturing, and so on.
Why diverse? Because diversity offers multiple approaches. Also, healthy systems are resilient and diverse.
Why Amma’s ashram? The shifts I went through there may have made me more ripe for continued shifts.
Why now? I am not sure. I have had similar healing dreams through my life so it may be more of a theme than a big shift.
Active imagination: I connect with the female healers from the dream and take in the healing they are doing for me. I rest in and as it.
Active imagination II: What advice do you have for me? Trust yourself. Slow down, trust, and follow what you know.
I am also taking some time to invite in that alignment with reality from the dream, seeing my body and mind aligning closer with reality at a detailed level.
Update: Later in the same day, I still feel supported by this group of healers.
This was originally written in 1997 and published on my first website. I retrieved it from the archived site on the Internet Archive. The original wording, spelling, and punctuation are preserved. The only changes are the merging of the original linked pages into one article and the addition of heading structure for navigation.
It’s interesting to look at these articles now. I remember my enthusiasm at the time, my wish to continue writing about these things, and maybe eventually teach at a college or university. That did not happen, partly because of going against my clear inner guidance that same year (going to Wisconsin and abandoning just about everything important in my life) and partly because of my health.
I also see an interesting dynamic. After the oneness shift, my mental aspect tried to make sense of it. It sought out worldviews that matched the immediate noticing of oneness and all as a seamless whole. That’s mainly what these articles are about – making sense of oneness. Re-educating the mental field so it is on board with what’s noticed in immediacy.
These days, that’s less of an interest. Maybe those years did the trick, at least enough for now.
Welcome
Welcome to this outline of a holistic worldview.
Feel free to read this collection of thoughts and text fragments in a non-linear fashion. Each fragment should to some degree reflect the whole of the worldview they are born from, and at the same time flesh out and give substance to a part of this whole.
Note that this is only one of an endless number of possible and equally valid and useful worldviews – each fitting nicely in with one or more of the multitude of possible world experiences. It does not reflect any “absolute truth”.
Feel free to let it inspire and challenge to own reflection.
Introduction
This Text
This “Outline of a Holistic Worldview” is a collection of texts meant to be for inspiration and challenge. We all need challenges to our habitual ways of experiencing our world – to stay flexible, open to new experiences, and open to new and more appropiate ways of organizing our experiences. This is one contribution in that direction.
These texts are by no means representative for all ecospiritual views, and barely so for a minority of them. If there is anything here that seems to be of value, it can be attributed to the wisdom of the universe being expressed through people I have shamelessly stolen from. It can also be attributed to direct experiences of the Universe – as it has arisen within and without of myself. All that is obscure, loopsided, muddled and not grounded, can be attributed to my own obscurations.
As diversity appears to be of immense value both in ecological and social systems, I do sincerely not wish these views to be adopted by all or even a majority. What I do hope is that it will inspire each one that take time to read some of this to reflection, to modification and formation of own views. Even, or maybe especially, if they are very different from those expressed here.
A Note
Please note that some texts are written from a traditional human perspective, and some from the so far more unusual perspective of the larger whole. Some are written in two versions, giving examples of both perspectives.
This will hopefully give a feel for the difference between the two, and a sense of the value of them both.
The content is often the same, but the perspective, and thus the experience of its meaning, differ.
This Perspective
The perspective outlined above is only one of an endless variety of possible world views, models or maps of existence.
As any other map, it is wrong.
It is based on an incomplete experience of the world, and in addition is an incomplete reflection of this experience. The world is always more and different from our experiences and maps of it.
At best, this perspective can be a guide for how to perceive and act in the world. It can be an aid of preliminary value until new experiences and new situations demands a different map, more appropriate for the new situation.
I have developed a Barichara plant database. As of now, it has 259 plant entries. Of these, 139 are native and the rest are suitable for a food forest in the area. Each plant has 212 fields with information used by the front-end interface.
There are three main ways to find plants: A simple search and the two discover and design sections. Each of those sections has subsections with several plant lists and filters. There is also a details page for each plant.
I made this database specifically for reforestation and food forests in the Barichara area, at about 1000 to 15000 meters above sea level in a dry tropical forest in the Andes.
It’s still at a draft stage and the info and interface need to be refined and improved. If there is interest, I’ll make a Spanish language version.
If it is to be used outside of Barichara, the plant selection and plant info needs to be tailored to each location.
This plant database is made with Google Sheets (spreadsheet) and Google Apps (interface and programming). That means that the URL for the current version may change over time, although I will aim at keeping it at this URL for a while. The images are from Wikipedia and Wikimedia with sources listed.
I made it mostly for our own food forest and regeneration project on Finca Milagros. If others in the area find it useful, they are of course welcome to use it.
This is the first time I used AI as an assistant for a project like this. I started it in 2024 and worked on it for about a week, and then another couple of weeks in 2025. My life was too full to do more with it until this summer where I spent maybe three weeks to continue the work on the content and interface. There are many questions about the use of AI for these kinds of projects, including the use of natural resources and copyright questions. Still, I chose to use it for this project.
There are many forms of stupidity. I am mostly interested in the form of stupidity that’s the shadow of intelligence or an apparently stupid use of our intelligence.
Willful ignorance
We can call ignorance stupidity, especially when we could have known and could have sought out vital information. Willful ignorance is a kind of stupidity.
Making mistakes can be seen as stupidity, especially when we know better and go against our better knowing.
Both of those point to a form of stupidity that’s the shadow of intelligence. It comes out of and depends on a certain intelligence, and it can easily be seen as a misuse of intelligence.
Likely evolutionary benefit – up to a point
Often that stupid way to use our intelligence happens because we hold onto familiar beliefs, identities, and habits. Our mind tries to protect itself, and we prioritize familiar beliefs, identities, and habits over reality. That’s very understandable, it has some limited upsides, and it also comes with a range of downsides, lessons, and feedback from life.
There is no reason to assume this stupid use of intelligence is new, and it very likely has survival benefits, especially in the situations our ancestors found themselves. In many cases, it helps us preserve the status quo and saves energy, and that likely helped many of our ancestors to survive.
In many cases, it works well enough in spite of the downsides. We can live with the downsides, including sometimes being annoying to others.
Other times, the downsides stare us in the face. They are significant and undeniable.
That’s the situation we collectively find ourselves in today in our modern world.
Stupid intelligence today
Collectively, we are currently almost unbelievably stupid in exactly this way.
Let’s start with the big picture: our relationship with this living planet we are local and temporary expressions of.
Through stupid use of our intelligence, we are collectively engaging in ecocide and suicide. We know it well, or could very easily know it well, and still do little to change it.
In spite of all our knowledge and the very real feedback from Earth itself (deforestation, extinctions, loss of insects, climate disruptions), most of us are in some form of denial of this. Some try to convince themselves that things are moving in the right direction. (My brother, for instance, says the world is much better than ever before and we don’t need to make significant changes. This is true in a very limited sense, if we only look at the lives of some privileged humans. It’s not true if we look at all of humanity and our ecological situation. I assume he has adopted that view to feel better about himself and the world, and so he doesn’t personally need to change anything.) Some try to convince themselves that our current climate changes are natural variations even if what we are seeing closely follows climate change models from the 1970s onwards. Some ignore ecological overshoot and focus on sub-issues within global ecological overshoot, like climate change or species loss. Some assume that it’s someone else’s fault and overlook that the problems are systemic and we are all part of it. Some assume it’s someone else’s problem (future generations, poor people in other places) or that someone else will take care of it (the government, future generations). Some assume we’ll find a technological solution, which is a piece of the puzzle but not the main one. Some assume it must not be important or urgent since most seem complacent about it.
People vote for the same politics and policies as before, even if these were largely formed in the 1800s when the world and our challenges were very different. Our worldview, models, and policies from that time did not take ecological realities into account because they didn’t have to.
In economics, we still largely work with models that don’t take ecological realities into account. These models assume infinite Earth – infinite resources and infinite capacity to absorb the waste of civilization. Business people, politicians, and society as a whole use these economic models. And again, we know, or can easily know, that following these models is inherently ecocidal and suicidal.
We grow our food with poison, knowing well that it harms us and severely damages the web of life we are part of and depend on. We support systems that reward farmers to grow food with poison.
We maintain manicured lawns, knowing well we are in the middle of an insect apocalypse partly due to loss of habitat, and that a wilder garden is a part of the solution.
MAGA is an especially clear example of what can be seen as stupid intelligence. They willfully ignore reality, likely for some kind of emotional satisfaction, and in the process damage their democracy and the aspects of the US that does to some extent work. I assume that something in them knows what they are doing. It knows the contradictions, cruelty, lying, and damage, and the motivation for engaging in it, even if they may not consciously know or accept it. This is a fragile arrangement, which is expressed in being thin-skinned and reactive when questioned.
So we are not only collectively stupid, with our billions of people and powerful technology we are also ecocidal and suicidal.
Will we collectively continue to use stupid intelligence? Or will we somehow decide that smart intelligence is better since it will help us survive? That’s the big question. And how much needs to be destroyed before we eventually, if ever, decide to use smart intelligence?
The larger picture
As usual, there is a lot more to say about this.
As Yuval Noah Harari points out, human history is a dynamic interplay between stupidity and wisdom. It’s what has characterized us and what makes our collective human life interesting. It creates some drama and suspense, just like a good novel or movie.
It’s also not something we can do away with. We live with it and can find some peace with it or not.
A smart use of intelligence is to recognize stupid and smart intellgience, find some peace with the existence of both, and be good stewards of our own lives and do what we can to move the world in a slightly more life-centered direction.
Also, the dynamics behind stupid intelligence have their own intelligence. As mentioned, they help preserve a certain self-image, they encourage status quo (which often works to some extent), and they help preserve energy. There is a reason for them, and it’s good to explore – especially in ourselves.
In my life
How does this apply to me? When I write about the world, I write about me.
When and how have I engaged in stupid intelligence?
There is no lack of examples. Several times, I have followed the advice of experts even if it makes no sense to me, and I have regretted the results.
In the 2000s, my doctor in Oregon insisted I eat less salt. I had perfect blood pressure, made my own food from scratch, didn’t eat any processed foods, and already used very little salt. Reducing that small amount likely led to heat stroke within a few months. I knew she probably assumed I ate like an average person in the US and the advice was based on that and not tailored to me, but I still followed it – against my better knowing.
The same doctor refused to give me antibiotics for a long lasting and profoundly debilitating pneumonia. I again accepted her professional opinion, even if it seemed as misguided as the salt advice. After many weeks of that pneumonia, it very likely led to a collapse of my health and return of the CFS/ME.
My wife insisted we hire two young architects to design our first house in the Andes. I wanted to design it myself since I have a relatively solid background in that type of design (MA program in architecture, extensive personal studies in vernacular architecture, many hands-on building workshops, etc.) I didn’t like them or their work, didn’t trust them, and saw that they understood far less than me, and still accepted them and their work. I again went against my own better judgment because someone else insisted.
Predictably, they made several serious mistakes in their design, and we ended up with the cost of necessary redesign and repairs. After the collapse of our roof, which almost killed us in our sleep (large roof beams and tiles crashed down next to us), a third-party report found them responsible, and they responded with denial and suing us for defamation.
This is clearly very stupid and it has had serious consequences for my life.
Why have I so often deferred to experts, or people in my life insisting, even when it goes against my better judgment? At one level, I tell myself that they must know something I don’t. If they say something that seems stupid, and insist, either they are stupid or they know something I don’t. Something in me prefers the second possibility. In the moment, it also requires less energy and I don’t have much to begin with. Also, I tend to want to avoid conflicts which is a pattern I learned in my birth family. Going into disagreement feels uncomfortable and it takes energy that I often feel I don’t have. When I notice someone has a wrong idea about me or my situation, I don’t always speak up to correct it. A part of me may also secretly enjoy the “I told you so” I can go into after, even if I typically don’t say anything about it.
It may also not help that on the Big Five personality test, I am unusually high on agreeableness and conscientiousness, which feeds into my other patterns of wanting to please, avoid conflict, and do things correctly.
These are all surface answers and I am sure there is a lot more there.
The solution is simple, although not always so easy for me: Notice when someone wants me to do something that doesn’t make sense to me. Speak up and make sure they have the fuller picture. Get a second or third opinion. And follow my own best judgment and guidance, informed by solid info.
I received a new camera and lenses earlier in the week. One of my experiments has been focus merging and this is the first one of a random plant on the balcony. See below for the original.
This is a B&W version of that image that I made mostly to experiment with digital darkroom techniques and get more familiar with Affinity. (I switched from Adobe/Darkroom since I don’t like their subscription robbery model.)
After the basic RAW conversion, I cropped in on the area of most interest to me, and mostly “dodged and burned” using curves and texture layers with inverted masks and painting in the light, dark, and texture to give more shape and movement to the image. I wanted to give it more shape and movement.
The original image was meant as a technical experiment so I didn’t put much effort into composition or waiting for interesting light. The light was flat and the composition not as clear as I would like. The focus stacking process also created some imperfections and artifacts.
Still, this B&W version has some interest and I did learn about both focus stacking and using Affinity for basic editing.
I also took this as an opportunity to look more at expert photographers including Edward Weston, Brett Weston, Imogen Cunningham, Minor White, Josef Sudek, Masao Yamamoto, Flor Garduño, Robert Mapplethorpe, Karl Blossfeldt, Morten Krogvold, and Ruth Bernhard.
This is a post with several reflections on photography. I thought I would do it this way rather than write several separate articles (too much) or not write anything (too little).
Morten Krogvoll
Since Morten Krogvoll is a fellow Norwegian, I thought I would start with him. I love that his combines soulfulness and a visceral rawness with technical excellence. It’s the best of both worlds.
In terms of prints, he goes deep into the blacks while also retaining detail there. That’s something I would like to explore more.
I am upgrading my photography equipment and am exploring how I can be a little more serious about photography. Of course, it’s 100% about fun and enjoyment, but I would also like to stretch myself beyond what I am familiar with. That’s part of the fun.
I had a period in my teens and early twenties when I took it more seriously. I studied whatever books I could find. I had my own darkroom. I would go out at night with my camera and tripod for night photos. I did some more intentional portraits. I had a photogravure set-up with my own press.
Since then, I have had more of a snapshot mentality. My photography has been more random and accidental. That means I haven’t evolved much beyond where I was in my teens or early twenties.
How would it be if I am slightly more intentional about it?
More intentional
So how would it look if I moved in a more serious direction?
I want to return to exploring photographers I like, see what it is that resonates with me in their photos, and how I can use it as inspiration.
I want to give myself tasks and seek out times and locations that may yield interesting photos. I love dawn and dusk, low light scenes, and mist and fog, so why not seek it out?
When I take photos, I want to more intentionally explore view points, angles, distance, light, and more. I also want to take photos as if film was expensive.
When I edit my photos, I want to select a few I like and set them aside in a separate folder. As it is now, I mostly have access to small-size versions of my images. The full size originals are mixed in with many others in one of the old external drive in storage.
I also want to make series and make it physical. Both will help me be more intentional and shift me out of a snapshot mentality.
What am I drawn to?
In my teens and twenties, I explored photographers far more than I have since. It may be time to return to this. It’s fun, inspiring, and there is a lot to learn. Here are some I especially resonate with, and I am sure the list could be much longer.
This is just a few of the ones I currently am aware of and resonate with. These days, there are a lot of excellent photographers out there.
I am creating a folder for inspiration with images from these and others.
When I did photography in my teens and early twenties, I was mostly drawn to vintage processes – which later became popular again. If I did serious photography, I would likely do that too. I would use an old camera and print my own photos using some of the older techniques. I love the feel of those prints.
Note: I used AI for the years and links, otherwise the list is from me.
A few themes / tasks
What I look for is what I see, so what are some of the things I may want to look for? What tasks may I give myself?
Light. Play of light and dark. Shadows. Light as a subject. Light revealing a scene or subject. Chiaroscuro.
Abstractions. Geometry. Texture. Weathered.
Negative space. The space around and between. Negative space as the subject. Negative space to frame and highlight the objects and details.
Color. Monochrome with some color highlights. Color is the subject. Color families / contrasts.
Movement. Use longer shutter speeds for blurring ripples in moving water while maintaining the larger shapes. Use longer shutter speeds for scenes with people to blur the movement of people. Track moving subjects – people, animals – using longer shutter speeds (1/10-1/30 second?) to blur the background. Freeze fast movement like a crashing wave.
Time & place. Explore a time of day (dusk, dawn), after rain, mist. Explore a place in depth.
Scale. Present a micro-world as a vast landscape, viewed from an insect perspective.
The beauty in the ordinary. Present the beauty in what’s often overlooked.
Moments. Capture a moment – people, light, rain, and so on.
Plan the shot. Select a location, time, and weather. (An app like PhotoPills may be useful.) Also, while there, plan, visualize, and explore.
Portraits. Capture the characteristics of the person. Photograph them doing what they love or are fascinated by.
And, more generally…
Composition. Think in layers – foreground, middle ground, background. Use elements of the scene for framing.
Make it physical. Intend to print and/or make a book out of the images. That brings a different attention to each one.
Make series. Make series of photos with the intention to print, exhibit, and/or make books. That will immediately push me beyond what I am familiar with and invite a different presence.
In B&W, push it. Nearly all good B&W photographers have pushed their prints quite far. They dodge, burn, and tint and make the photos into something that viscerally feels right.
One of my projects is, and will be, to explore Finca Milagros – at dusk and dawn, after rain, in the morning mist, and also the beautiful micro-world there.
More raw & RAW
What do I notice when I look at my photos?
Although I like something in many of them, most seem polite and tame. They lack the little extra. I feel I was much more bold in my teens and early twenties and would like to find some of that rawness again. I would like to lean into that rawness – both in my photos and my life. To lean into my obsessions and the visceral while also maintaining whatever technical quality is needed to bring that through.
I tend to get obsesses when I get into something, so that’s a good quality to bring with me into this.
There is another sense I would like to be more raw and that is to more systematically shoot in RAW format and edit those files more carefully and with the above rawness. Pushing them in the direction I envisioned when I took the photo and that resonates the most with me.
And as mentioned earlier, I want to be more serious about my archive, including keeping the larger versions of my images organized and available.
What do I like from my own photos?
At this point, it seems worth looking at what I like from my own earlier photos, find themes, and see what I would like to explore further.
Mostly monochrome. The photo above is an example of a photo that’s mostly monochrome with a few more colorful areas. I like that feel.
Negative space. This image is also full of negative space. I think that’s why I am drawn to photographing bare or mostly bare trees against an urban backdrop. The trunks and branches tend to create very interesting negative spaces.
This photo is from New York ca. 2019 and taken with my iPhone with light editing in Lightroom.
Found abstractions. I love these atmospheric landscapes that are mostly abstract. I have always liked the photos used for the ECM covers. (And the music too, of course.)
The image is of clouds seen from an airplane, taken with my iPhone some years ago.
Changing weather. These are views from our place outside of Barichara. I love watching the changing weather. (1) A cloud bursting with light in the late afternoon. (2) The clouds and landscape have a similar character. (3) I like the small white flowers in the bushes in the foreground, and also the branch coming in from the top left that helps with the composition while appearing almost random. (3, 4) Rays of light against the dark mountains. (5) I love the ephemeral feeling of falling rain, especially when contrasted with the landscape. (6) An atmospheric close-up of clouds and the mountain top. (7) Rolling clouds on the ridge across the valley.
Taken with my DSLR and tele lens.
Abstractions. I like how a familiar place can feel abstract and otherworldly with the right light. These are photos from the Botanical Gardens in Oslo on a midwinter afternoon. The mist creates rhythmical layers and depth, and the tree trunks and branches plays with negative space. A few leaves are left, which creates their own patterns and rhythm.
These are taken with my iPhone ca. 2017.
Airplane view. These were shot through the window of an airplane. I like the rough and slightly blurry look. I also like the random access to slightly unusual perspectives and landscapes.
Abstractions. Each of these are found abstractions. The airplane engine is mostly edges and rounded shapes, and the two others are the abstractions we can find in barren landscapes.
Mostly monochrome. The shiny airplane takes on the color of the sky. The ice has one color. The last one was mostly monochrome and I turned it black-and-white.
iPhone phots from mid-to-late 2010s. The top right is over Greenland, and the third may be Colorado.
Layers. I like this for the frost on the window, the mostly monochrome image, the abstractions and geometry, and the layers from the frost to the plane to the far background. I have a fascination for more industrial looks too, and would like to explore that more.
Motion blur. This is taken a Frognerparken after sunset on a winter day in the 2000s. I used a slightly longer shutter speed than normal and moved my camera up during exposure. I like the visionary and slightly eerie feel it creates.
Taken with my old DSLR and possibly the nifty fifty.
Graphics print. This one has the feel of a graphics print.
A view out the window of a moving car, Dartmoor near Buckfastleigh, 2014, with my DSLR and likely nift fifty.
Movement. I tried to capture a visceral feeling of flight and gliding here. I like the snapshot quality of these images. I have more conventional vulture images but I like these more.
DSRL with tele lens, ca. 2023 in Barichara.
Partially blocked. I enjoy this slightly mysterious photo. The person is looking straight at us and his face is partially blocked by something in the foreground.
Closest layer out of focus. Here, the closest layer is out of focus, the middle plane is in focus, and the background is out of focus again. I like that. It gives a nice rhythm and flow.
Street photography. I enjoy street photography. In this case, I used a tele lens to get close-ups at a distance. I was still spotted, but that made it a better photo.
This photo is of a member of the Jordan Royal Guard from Zürifäscht 2013, with a tele lens and my old DSLR.
Street photography. A couple of more street photos / festival photos.
Members of the Jordan Royal Guard, Zürifäscht 2013.
Found objects. This is a flower in the living room where I lived, with the dark orange curtains behind. I don’t think I changed or touched anything.
Negative space. This is another example of use of negative space. The main subject is not the flower itself, but the space created around its edges and by its leaves and stem.
Mostly monochrome / color theory. This image is mostly shades of red and orange, with a little yellow and green. It’s largely monochrome, and the green is a nice complementary color to the red.
Macro. It’s a classic closeup with blurry background. What I like here is that the leaves and stem go from being sharp to increasingly blurry.
Taken with my DSLR in 2012 or 2013, likely with the nifty fifty.
Dark & moody. A dark winter’s day on Dartmoor. I like the first one more, although there is something to the second as well. These deserve better editing and maybe to be made into largish prints.
Dartmoor near Buckfastleigh, 2014.
Horses / Mood. A couple of Dartmoor ponies running away at dusk. I like this one for its simplicity and honesty, although I can see many ways it could be better.
Horses from Dartmoor near Buckfastleigh, Devon, 2014. DSLR with a tele lens.
Portraits. I rarely do portrait photography, although I love it. I like to capture the character and personality of the person.
Chiaroscuro. In this case, I like the chiaroscuro with “lost” edges. Of course, it’s almost too classic but there is a reason it’s classic. It works.
These images are from a basement on Gabriola Island, BC, mid-2010s. This was the perfect impromptu studio with the light coming in from a relatively small window, and some filler light from the window on the other side of the room.
Play of light and dark. I like the play of light and shadows from the leaves. The second has a similar play of dark trees against a light sky.
Filter / highly edited. I took these on an app on my iPhone. I had a lot of fun using that app and I actually like the results. It’s something to use sparingly, but at the right time and with the right subject, the result can be interesting.
I love the look of some of the early photography processing techniques. This app just mimics it, and it’s a reminder that I have always wanted to try it. I will need some time and space for that, which is not right now.
These are from the early 2010s in Marin County, likely the mission in San Rafael.
Geometry & mist. I like much here – the old stone, mist, water, geometry, light from the motorcycle, but it needs something more to elevate it out from the “mildly interesting” category.
Moody. This is a moody image that brings to mind some of the artistic images from early photography.
Contrasts. I like the contrast of the stone bridge, flowing water, and the trees shrouded in mist.
Flow. For me, there is an interesting visual flow from the top right down along the bottom of the tree to the middle and up the bridge. I wonder if that’s different for people used to reading the other direction.
Shape of water. I used a tripod and maybe 1-2 seconds shutter speed to blur the water. I wanted to use just long enough speed to blur the smaller ripples while leaving the larger movements in the water.
Taken on a bridge outside of Totnes, Devon, ca. 2013 (?) with my DSLR.
Contrast and clarity. I visited a friend and came upon this scene in the late afternoon. I like contrast between the cool blue and the hot orange-red of the light hitting the trees. They also have an almost supernatural clarity to them due to the light.
Taken with my iPhone on winter day in Kjelsås some years ago.
I have been sick for some days now, with a lot of discomfort off and on.
The symptoms include nausea, aches, headache, dizziness, sometimes extremely sore throat, shivers/sweating, general sickness feeling, and so on, and I am not sure if it’s “just” a flu or covid.
What’s the reality of it?
What’s the reality of this situation?
It’s that I have a virus that most likely will pass in a few days.
I am in a beautiful apartment in Oslo, at the edge of the forest, by a river.
I have a grocery store two minutes away, and money to buy food.
I have people who can help me if it’s needed.
I have access to excellent healthcare.
This kind of reality check is good medicine when the mind goes into self-pity, fearful thoughts, and so on. In this situation, it doesn’t go there much, but it’s still helpful to remind myself of the reality.
What’s the worst that can happen?
What’s the worst that can happen?
I’ll die, which will be an adventure. It’s OK if that happens.
I’ll get worse from my CFS. That’s more of a concern. Even then, I’ll be taken care of one way or another.
It’s OK. And the fear I notice far back in my mind about it is OK too.
It will pass
I notice that what I love about it is that it will pass. (Didn’t Byron Katie say something about that?)
It will pass since everything passes. What comes together falls apart. That’s how this world is put together, and it seems to be one of the biggest struggles we mammals with abstract thinking has.
I make a point out of reminding myself of this, whether I am in a situation my personality likes or doesn’t like. It helps me struggle less with both – holding onto one and trying to make the other go away.
What’s actually here?
My mind tells itself there is strong discomfort, and sometimes less strong discomfort.
When I look more directly at my experinece, I find something else.
I find wast space and spaciousness.
I find a few sensations here and there happening within this wast space.
I find they spacious. They are made up of this space.
At least here and now, when I actually notice what’s here in my sense fields, it’s OK. It’s fine. It’s not nearly as dramatic as my mind sometimes talks to itself about it.
Anchoring attention in sensations is sometimes good medicine.
My mind projects it into the future
Right now, I feel sick and am mostly in bed, unable to do much. I am unable to do the projects I had planned for this week. I am unable to take care of things or my life beyond just resting, drinking lots of water, and eating a minimal amount.
My mind has a tendency to take these images of what’s here and put them into an imagined future.
That’s very understandable. It wants to protect me and take care of me.
It’s also a pattern I recognize from the past, especially from CFS/ME crashes.
So I notice it, notice it comes from wanting to protect me and from love, and see it for what it is.
I assume because of that, that pattern is now more like a ghost. A faint echo of a pattern that used to have more energy and apparent substance to it. (And that can change, of course.)
It’s very understandable
My personality does sometimes struggle with what’s happening now.
It’s not OK with it, and that’s OK. It’s very understandable.
We are mammals and don’t like discomfort and illness. Our bodymind is programmed over innumerable generations, likely back to our very first ancestors at the beginning of Earth life, to not enjoy it, and be motivated to make it go away. We are programmed to seek to either make the apparent cause of discomfort to go away (in this case, the illness), or get away from it.
That’s beautiful. This is what has kept all my ancestors alive for long enough to have offspring, which is a miracle in itself. There is love here. A desire to protect.
It’s one part of me
When a part of me comes up that’s unhappy about what’s here, want it to go away, complain about it, project it into the future, and so on, it’s a reminder that these are parts.
They are far from all of me. And they all come and go in terms of being vocal and on the surface.
Thank you for protecting me. Thank you for your love for me.
Being kind with my experience
This all ties into being kind with my experience, including the discomfort and the sensations my mind understands as discomfort.
Why being kind with it? Because anything else hurts. It just makes it worse.
And this includes being kind to myself when the reactive/complaining/fearful parts of me come up, and I sometimes go along with them. That deserves kindness too. It’s very human.
It’s universal
Being sick is a universal experience. We all get sick. We – living beings – get sick now and then.
Again, it’s not wrong. It’s part of how life is set up.
So when I feel sorry for myself, it can be expanded into empathy. This is how others experience it too, when they are sick. This is sometimes how it is to be a living being, whether it’s a human, cat, lizard, fish, or something else.
This too helps me. It’s not just about me. This is universal.
We are in it together, and there is a beauty in that.
Giving it over to the divine
I sometimes give it all over to the divine – the illness, symptoms, my fears, the way this personality responds to it, my life, and so on.
And that’s a reminder that it all already belongs to the divine. It’s not mine, in that sense. It belongs to live. It’s all local and temporary expressions of existence itself. It’s not wrong.
It’s part of life expressing, exploring, and experiencing itself in always new ways. It’s part of existence expressing, exploring, and experiencing itself in always new ways.
Noticing what I am
Many of the earlier notes have touched on this, and I have held back from going there since I wanted to save it for last.
This is all happening within and as what I am. The space I am forms itself into all of it. The awakeness I am forms itself into all of it.
That’s good to notice. None of what’s happening touches what I am.
Becoming familiar with this
All of this has been here during these days of being sick, although some of it has been far in the distance and only as a hint. Nothing else was needed. (For instance, exploring “what’s the worst that can happen?”.)
After all, it’s “just” a flu or covid and I will most likely be fine.
Still, I notice and actively engage with all of this now and then. It’s good to get into the habit.
I notice I feel slightly grumpy this morning, maybe because of a virus that’s taking hold.
So I take the opportunity to get some things done – especially the things my personality doesn’t like so much. I looked at my taxes and need to check if what I already paid covers it all. I am ordering a part for the row boat at the cabin, which brings up some discomfort since that has been an ordeal in the past (got sent the wrong part which led to a long process). And migrating and setting up A’s website.
If I feel good, and I am able, I tend to avoid tasks that may bring down my mood. So when I already am grumpy, that’s the perfect time to do those particular tasks!
Sometimes, I work with what’s here. I find ways to work with or work around my issues and hangups.
Sometimes, I invite healing for how I relate to the situation in the world and what it brings up in me.
Heart-centered practices are good here – being kind with my experience, and tonglen or ho’oponopono.
Noticing my nature is also helpful here since it by necessity changes how I relate to something. I can notice it and bring it more into the foreground, as an explicit context for what’s happening. And I can explore it more in depth through inquiry, for instance Big Mind process and Headless experiments.
And sometimes, I invite healing for the issue itself. Inquiry (sense field inquiries, The Work of Byron Katie) are helpful, energy work (Vortex Healing), or just merging with the issue, see what’s there, and inviting it to reorganize in a more whole and healed way.
Today, and in this case, I just work with what’s here. The worst that can happen is that I get some things done. (And I did.)
Since this website is a personal journal more than anything else, I thought I would include an excerpt from my current Oslo Journal as a separate article – notes from a day in my life.
Oslo, Thursday June 11, 2026
SADNESS
I have some sadness come up these days, mixed in with grief and melancholy.
Grief that my parents are gone forever, and especially my father since he died more recently and he, in some ways, meant more for me. It’s a slow quiet grief, and this one is mixed in with gratitude for what he and my parents gave me. They did create an exceptional home filled with art, antiques, frequent gatherings, and lot of nature experiences.
CREATING A LIFE THAT MATCHES MY ISSUES MORE THAN MY MANY GIFTS
There is also some grief that I don’t have a family on my own. I have longed for that, but have not chosen the right partners for it. I didn’t want them to be the mother of my children, which in itself was a clear sign they were not right. The two times I was in a relationship that felt deeply right, I moved it in a direction to end it. Not in a dramatic way, but I made it inevitable. Mostly likely because it felt too good, and it didn’t match feeling unlovable which is quite central to my psyche.
There is grief over missed opportunities in many areas of my life, and knowing that I made myself miss them. It wasn’t circumstances, they were mostly very and sometimes ridiculously favorable. It was my own decisions, it was the trajectory I put myself on because of the issues of being unlovable, not enough, and so on. I created a life that matched those issues as much as it matches the many inner and outer gifts life has given me.
I initially wrote “matches my life more” but that’s not quite true. It all colors my life, and it’s difficult to say that one is more than another.
WHO & WHAT
There is grief, images of the past and what could have been, and so on. Some gentle and familiar contractions in my body. And also a noticing of all of that as space. As made of up of this awake space.
That’s a reminder of my nature, which is a relief and home – and possibly the nature of existence itself. And it doesn’t change my human life and experiences, although it creates a different context for it which does change it in some ways.
MY WOUNDS ARE PART OF MY GIFTS
I wrote that I have created a life that matches my issues more than – or as much as – my many gifts.
That’s true, and it’s also true that my wounds are part of those gifts.
It’s only the human psyche, embedded in this culture, that says differentiates the two in that way. It reflects my culture more than anything else. What my personality likes becomes a gift, and what it doesn’t like becomes something else. That’s not how life itself is.
It’s all part of the same seamless life.
It’s all part of the same seamless awake space that everything is, here and now – what a thought may call sadness, gentle familiar contractions, the music, these arms and hands, this screen, a quiet bliss, images of my parents and my childhood home, images of the two relationships I had that felt deeply right, images of something in me ending them because they didn’t match unlovable, and so on.
ILLUSION?
It’s all space taking all of these forms, and it’s real enough as that.
I get that some call it illusions. It’s dreamlike, made up of the same as dreams. It’s what I am forming itself into all these experiences.
And I don’t really or primarily see it as illusions. Dreamlike, yes. Illusions, not so much. This human life and this Earthly world is real enough, as that. It’s real in the ways dreams are real enough. They are real as an experience.
DREAM
This reminds me of my dream from this morning. I am in a place with several people and a sense of community. An older man, a respected artist, comes, and I realize I am sitting in his chair. I move out of the way. We have a good connection. As I wake up, I sense him as my father, and I am brought back to when I was little and my father would lie down next to me in the bed and I would fall asleep on his arm while he was reading to me. Often adventure books.
Why did the oneness shift happen when I was sixteen? I suspect it served as a pressure valve.
It was almost unbearable to be me, so my system shifted into Big Mind as a way to relieve the pressure.
I am sure it could have gone other ways, and that must have been the path of least resistance in that moment.
DOUGLAS HARDING
When I much later read Douglas Harding (On Having No Head?), I was struck by his description of his shift. According to my less-than-excellent memory, he said it became unbearable to be Douglas, so there was a shift into headlessness.
In my case, it also became unbearable to be me, so Big Mind came to the foreground as a relief.
HUMAN SELF STILL MUCH THE SAME
My human self was still filled with anxiety and preverbal struggle (that’s still here), but the context was completely different. It was a figure-ground reversal. What had been in the foreground – this human self – became a part of the seamless field of existence. And what had been in the background and close to unnoticed – this awake space forming itself into all experience – came into the foreground and recognized itself.
NO CONSCIOUS INTEREST
I was an atheist at the time, with very little interest in spirituality and zero knowledge about awakening, so there was no conscious movement in that direction. It was my system that it it on its own. It just followed its inherent wisdom, just like a plant growing or a stream flowing through a landscape.
WHY WAS THIS THE PATH OF LEAST RESISTANCE?
Why was a shift into Big Mind the path of least resistance?
Why didn’t it go in any of the other directions it could have gone?
I honestly don’t know.
It must be the way this system happens to be put together, but why it was put together in that way, I don’t know.
Did this stream of conditioning go deep in spiritual practices in past lives? That’s possible. A lot of it seems very natural and familiar to me. Maybe that prepared the ground, somehow.
THE LARGER PROCESS
How does it fit into the larger process?
This shift was how my nature came into the foreground and has stayed as something I can easily notice.
It echoes my flashbacks to the time before this life, which was a oneness state although not consciously thought of as that.
It was the start of more intentional and ongoing explorations of my nature, how to live from and as it, how to invite all the many parts of my psyche to play along, and so on.
Big Mind has come strongly to the foreground in a pressure-valve sense at other times too. For instance, in Oregon in the 2000s when I had heat exhaustion/stroke. And also when I almost died from sepsis three (?) summers ago.
THE PERSONAL AND UNIVERSAL
Why do I write about this? If it was just my experience, it would still be important in my life but maybe not something to write about.
It so happens that these kinds of shifts are not so unusual, so this is another thread in a much larger weave of similar experiences and stories. The slight twist is the pressure valve side to it, and even that is likely not so unusual.
In general, I assume there is something universal in all of my experiences. It may be that for many of us, in different situations and circumstances, the pressure valve has been – or is or will be – Big Mind.
After all, it is what we are. It’s just coming home to what we never left. And sometimes, stress is what brings it to the foreground and helps us notice what we already are.
One summer in my mid-teens, I sat outside on the west side of the house under the birch trees and read. I think I did it most days since I sitting outside reading. I wonder if this was the summer I read through the several-volume encyclopedia my parents had.
SEEING A LIGHT AROUND THE LEAVES
I remember looking up at the leaves of the birch trees, seeing them against the dark blue sky, and noticing a light around the leaves. I thought it must be some kind of optical illusion I hadn’t noticed before.
Over the next few days, this light became stronger, and I started seeing it around everything – plants, animals, people, and even inanimate objects. The light had a structure, and that structure was different around each of those.
I realized that what I was seeing was some kind of actual energy around living and non-living things. Most likely, I had heard about auras without taking it very seriously, and now I seemed to be seeing it for myself.
Looking back, I think this was the summer when I was fifteen, half a year into the observer-observed duality and half a year before the oneness shift.
Seeing this energy around humans gave me some information about what was going on with them, and I later discovered I could sense at a distance and also do distance healing.
VERIFICATION
When I was nineteen, I met a woman (BH) at tai chi who also could see energies. She had stood behind me and saw the awakening in my system, and sat down next to me and talked with me after class for that reason.
We both took the train from Oslo to Ski after tai chi, and I remember sitting with her in the train station, looking at the energy system of people, and comparing notes. We always saw the same and it gave me confidence that what I saw was something real and not just imagination. (I knew that anyway, but a part of me needed that extra confirmation.)
WHAT I SEE
For humans, what I most easily see is the level or degree of awakeness in the system. I can see how awake it is to itself. More specifically, I see how far out from the body it’s awake to itself.
For most, it’s in the area relatively close to the body, maybe 20-30cm out. (Likely what people call emotional and mental body.)
If the person is doing meditation or is on an awakening path, that extends further out. For those more awake, it goes infinitely out and the field in general is much finer, lighter, and uniform.
If someone is doing body-centered practices like tai chi, yoga, or even more conscious dance, the area close to the body is typically much stronger and brighter. (Likely what people call the etheric body.)
I typically don’t see colors, apart from one time during one of those tai chi classes.
WHAT I USE IT FOR
I don’t use this more physical seeing very much, apart for when I meet spiritual teachers. Then I usually check how awake their system is.
Is it awake out to infinity? How fine and uniform is it?
Of course, there is a lot more to guiding than this, but it’s one aspect and it’s good to notice.
In general, seeing this light is a reminder of the divinity of all.
It’s a visual and steady reminder not dependent on states or other shifts.
THE PERSONAL AND UNIVERSAL
Why do I write about this?
I know this is not so unusual, so I wanted to contribute my little story to the larger collection of experiences and stories on this topic.
Even if I didn’t happen to know about that, I assume there is something universal in all of my experiences, and that makes it worth sharing.
It makes it worth sharing to say that (a) this can happen and it’s part of the human experience, (b) it’s really not that unusual, and (c) you are not alone if this or something similar has happened with you.
The photo is from a walk along Akerselva in April (not birch tree, obviously).
Et essay fra 1997 som utforsker forbindelsene mellom økopsykologi, økospiritualitet, dypøkologi og helse.
Menneskelige individer, menneskelige samfunn og Jorden er alle deler av ett sømløst system. Alles helse og velvære er gjensidig avhengig av hverandre.
Når vi innser dette – og i økende grad lever ut fra denne erkjennelsen – faller den falske grensen mellom egoisme og altruisme bort. Vi søker og velger handlinger som er gode, så langt vi kan se, både for oss selv og for helheten.
Flere praksiser som har som mål å bringe disse forbindelsene inn i bevisstheten, foreslås – inkludert kroppsorienterte praksiser, sosialt og økologisk engasjement, bønn og meditasjon.
NB: Jeg legger ut denne mest for å ha den et sted. Jeg ville nok skrevet det anderledes nå.
We are the eyes, ears, thoughts, and feelings of the universe. We are the universe brining itself into consciousness.
– Carl Sagan from Cosmos, likely paraphrased
When I was ten, Carl Sagan’s Cosmos was on TV in Norway as in so many other countries.
It had a huge impact on me. I remember walking out into the garden after one of the episodes, looking up at the many stars1, and having a shift of being the universe looking at itself. I am a local and temporary expression of the universe. I am made of star stuff.
Some time later, that year or within one or two years maybe, we went to our family cabin in the mountains, near the Sølen mountain. My father, brother, and I hiked up to the mountain – Sølenskaret –and slept there overnight. They were in a tent, and I slept outside. I gazed at the infinite landscape stretching below me and the dark sky filled with stars and the occasional satellite, and had another shift that was far stronger and more visceral.
I profoundly saw and felt that I was the universe experiencing itself. My identity shifted from this human self into the whole.
This is a figure-ground shift that’s similar to awakening. It is, in a sense, a kind of awakening, although it’s not as clear about our nature as it can be. Also, in this case, the strong visceral shift didn’t last although it has stayed with me for my whole life, has informed my life, and has been an aspect of my experience since.
This shift seems t be part of a longer process. It started with the flashbacks to before incarnation, then this visceral temporary shift, then the absorption into the witness at age fifteen, and then the oneness shift at sixteen – which did stay and continues to unfold.
Photos from Sølen
The top photo is similar to the view I had, just slightly below the area where we slept. The second is from where we slept. The two last ones are vies from the cabin from some years ago. The photos are very dark! I initially edited them years ago on a different computer, likely with a bright screen.
The personal and the universal
Why do I write about this?
I share because I assume there is something universal in all of my experiences. In this case, I happen to know something similar has happened and is happening to many others.
It makes it worth putting it out there to say that (a) this can happen and it’s part of the human experience, (b) it’s not that unusual, (c) you are not alone if this or something similar has happened with you, and (d) these kinds of shifts says something important about who and what we are and our nature.
NOTES
This was in the ’80s when the sky in Ski was still dark, people mostly walked or took the bike or train, and the summers were still full of insects.
I have a record of dreams here that goes over 25 years, and is mixed in with about 10,000 other articles.
Since it’s too much for me to go through it all manually, I asked AI (ChatGPT) to select significant dreams and organize them in categories. Out of curiosity, I also asked for three AI-generated articles on progression over time, an analysis of main themes, and also parallels with waking life events and circumstances. Take that with a big grain of salt!
Why do I include dreams here? It’s because they mirror inner and life processes, and I work with them in a few different ways, mainly as a mirror for my human self and a reminder of my nature, and occasionally as a pointer for action.
Everything below is AI-generated, and hopefully somewhat useful and/or interesting.
Dream: At Amma’s ashram – Inner belonging at Amma’s ashram and being part of its living organization. (2026)
Dream: Invited to a private meeting with a guru – A Tibetan/Advaita-coded guru invites P. to a private meeting while others are painted as green and gold deities; a dream of invitation, readiness, visibility, and all parts discovering their nature. (2026)
Dream: A split felt-sense – Seeing how God’s will is recognized “out there” but not yet fully “in here.” (2007)
Dream: Gathering of yogis – A gathering of seasoned yogis where P. is introduced as “yogi rajma,” suggesting unexpected belonging in the terrain of the divine human, fertile darkness, and mature practice. (2007)
Yesterday, I added articles to the “Selected Articles” page and used AI to help me identify relevant articles. It’s an imperfect process but more manageable than manually sifting through 10,000+ articles!
I was reminded of the no-self shift in 2005 and thought I would highlight it here in this article.
NO-SELF SHIFT
Some time before 2005, I got back into more serious meditation and inquiry practice. This, combined with some other things, led to a clear no-self shift. The no-self aspect of my nature shifted strongly into the foreground.
I had known that my mind associated the initial oneness shift with some of the states that came with it – the bliss and fireworks. This no-self shift helped me differentiate my nature from changing states and experiences.
The shift itself lasted about six months, and the easier noticing remained after.
ARTICLES FROM THAT TIME
I referenced some of these shifts in articles from that time. See a list below.
I used AI (ChatGPT) to identify and describe these articles. Out of curiosity, I also asked it to summarize the process. See that article after the list. It’s not trained on this type of content, so don’t take anything there too literally! I would likely phrase much of it differently, but the gist is there.
THE BIGGER PICTURE
How does this fit into the bigger process?
It was one of many instances where an aspect of my nature comes more strongly into the foreground. It’s as if life – or my nature – says: Look at this! This is yet another aspect of me. Now that it’s so strongly in the foreground of your experience, you can’t help but noticing it. This is your chance to become more familiar with it. Get to know it. And keep noticing it even when it’s not so strongly in the foreground.
That’s exactly what happened. Since then, it’s been much easier for me to notice this aspect of my nature through changing states and experiences.
WHY AM I EXPLORING THIS NOW?
As mentioned, I am revisiting this now partly because I am doing some maintenance on this website, and was reminded of this particular shift. I am also taking some inventory of my life in general right now.
THE PERSONAL AND THE UNIVERSAL
Any personal experience is also universal. From what I have heard from others, these kinds of shift don’t seem unusual. It suggests that our nature reveals different aspects of itself to itself in an awakening process. If you experience something like this, you are not alone.
And if you are in it now, use it as an opportunity to become more familiar with the aspect of your nature currently in the foreground. That will make it easier for you to keep noticing it through different states and experiences.
I have had several dreams through my life where the dream “I” is someone else than I in my waking life identity.
As I wrote about in Dreams & Ground in 2005, these dreams are an invitation to explore my more fundamental identity.
Who or what am I more fundamentally in my own first-person experience?
WHAT AM I MORE FUNDAMENTALLY?
In my dreams, it seems I can be anyone or anything. I can be a different gender, a different age, a different species.
At the same time, what I am still here. What I more fundamentally am is still here.
So what is that?
When I look, I find I am capacity for all of it. I am the consciousness that forms itself into any and all content of experience, including what “I” or “me” points to.
AN INVITATION
These dreams are an invitation….
To find curiosity about my nature. If I can be anyone or anything in my dreams, what does it say about who or what I more fundamentally am in my own first person experience?
To explore all kinds of identities. The world is my mirror. I can take whatever story I have about anyone or anything in the world, turn it to be about me, and find genuine and specific examples of how it’s true. I am as rich as the world. How is it to explore, get to know, and live from more of that richness?
For my nature to notice itself, to find itself as what forms itself into all content of experience including identities and what they point to.
To explore how it is for this human self to live within and from that noticing.
A FEW DREAM EXAMPLES
Here are a few examples of dreams where the dream “I” is different from in my waking life.
Dream: Systems change project in Iceland – where I am a female journalist working with scientists and journalists to map toxins and support systems change (2025)
Dreams & Ground – Reflection on frequently having dreams where I am a quite different person, with different age, body, gender, personality, and circumstances (2005)
THE PERSONAL AND UNIVERSAL
Why do I write about this?
If it was just about me, it would be boring and not necessarily worth mentioning.
But it’s not just about me. There is something universal in all of my experiences. In this case, I know that others have similar kinds of dreams. Some already use it as a pointer to notice their nature, and some may find curiosity about it and start exploring it. It’s an interesting landscape to explore.
Sometimes, there is still consciousness as this human self and body falls asleep. When that happens, I notice a point where the hearing turns off. It’s a quick fade-out. The reverse sometimes happens when I wake up.
This is something I have noticed for a while now, likely since my teens.
It makes sense. The consciousness I am notices itself, so it sometimes stays awake and conscious even as my human self and body falls asleep. And it also makes sense that my bodymind switches off hearing at some point, as it falls asleep. (Of course, it’s not a complete switch-off since some sounds will still wake me up.)
The consciousness I am also sometimes becomes conscious slightly before the body wakes up. And it has also happened that there is consciousness through deep dreamless sleep, without any content.
How does this fit into the longer process? I take it as just another reminder of what I am, and that this human self and the wider world and all experiences happens within and as what I am.
Why do I mention it here? It’s because there is something universal in all of my experiences. I assume this says something about our nature, how the consciousness we are interacts with this human self and biology, and so on. And I assume I am not the only one who has noticed this. It’s likely a relatively common noticing.
I return to the property I own with my ex and ex-father-in-law. It’s a large British-style estate with several buildings and large park and forested areas. I run into my ex and then move on to a second set of houses to sleep there. On my way, I pass through a large conservatory meant to be used for gatherings. It’s full of stored furniture. A man working there tells me to set up some chairs around a table. I don’t quite understand why, especially since it would involve clearing out space. He seems to think there is something important for me to discover from doing so. I tell him I’ll go to the house, set up there, and maybe sleep, and then do it later. It’s late in the day and I am ready to rest after my travels. He nods. The property is large, and the second housing complex is more than large enough for one person. Although everything has been unused for quite some time and needs some cleaning and clearing, it’s fundamentally in good shape. I realize I am quite wealthy from this property we bought several years ago, and where I haven’t been much.
This reflects several aspects of my waking life, including a large property where I haven’t been for a while and is slightly neglected but still good.
In terms of mirroring me, it seems to point to significant inner resources and structures that have been neglected for a while but are still structurally sound. That’s certainly true as well.
The conservatory is a space between outdoors and indoors, it’s meant for gatherings, and setting up chairs is a preparation for having visitors and groups there. First, I need to clear out old clutter, or at least move all the old furniture to places where they are useful. It’s late and I need to rest first, although plan to return to it.
I am quite wealthy from investments made years ago. In waking life, I am still quite wealthy from all the work I put into art, studies, work, meditation, and learning years ago, even if much if it has been neglected – due to my chronic illness, unstable circumstances, and a “dark night” with a lot of old trauma surfacing.
“Your inner purpose is to awaken. It is as simple as that. You share that purpose with every other person on the planet—because it is the purpose of humanity.” — Eckhart Tolle
This quote is circulating on social media right now. It’s a reminder for me that although ET seems awake enough, I often don’t quite resonate with how he expresses or interprets it.
That doesn’t mean that one or the other is wrong. No story is ultimately completely true. They are all pointers. More importantly, they are all – in this context – medicine for a particular condition.
THE PLAY OF EXISTENCE
I lean more towards seeing existence as play – they play of the divine, God, Spirit, life. Its existence expressing, exploring, and experiencing itself in always new ways. The play itself is the purpose.
That’s how it seemed to me in the initial oneness shift and within that shift that’s still here, and it’s also aligned with Advaita Vedanta and other traditions that reflect the noticing of others often very clear and insightful.
That means that for some, the purpose is to go deeper into the appearance of separation, and for others, the purpose is to awaken. And if someone is generally on a path of awakening, and happens to for a moment go in the direction of separation, that’s that person’s purpose in that moment, and the other way around.
We are all part of the play of Spirit. Taking it all very seriously is sometimes part of that play, as is recognizing it as play when that’s what happens.
DIFFERENT KINDS OF MEDICINE
The way ET says it seems to be the right medicine for many, so it’s perfect in that sense. ET’s quote may be medicine for someone on an awakening path who needs that confirmed and supported in that particular way.
And the play view may be medicine for someone who has a tendency to go into ideas of right and wrong, or one-sided duality in general, or take it all a little too seriously. (Which, of course, is part of the play too.)
I climb up the ladder to the attic, put my head up into the attic space, and the ladder and everything disappears. I fall through the darkness, look down, and there is a witch with a cauldron looking up at me grinning. I am about the fall into her cauldron to be cooked and eaten.
This is a recurrent dream from childhood.
I climb up the ladder to the attic in my childhood home. It’s a pull-down ladder so it feels rickety and insecure. As soon as my head comes up into the attic and I can see around, everything disappears and goes black. There is no support. I fall. Then, I see the witch grinning up at me. I am about to fall into her cauldron and be cooked and eaten.
Most likely, the witch has to do with unhealthy feminine aspects, from my mother and father, in our culture in general, and, most importantly, in me.
I have explored this in several ways. Today, I am giving it to the divine, and I am doing tonglen with the witch, myself falling, and both of us.
One side of this has to do with setting boundaries towards unhealthy patterns in myself and others. This includes when I see myself engaging in unhealthy patterns. When my mother tried to control me, which she stopped doing early on since I did make it clear it was not acceptable. And when people in my life have treated me in ways that’s clearly not healthy. It’s an ongoing process and I am still learning.
Writing this, I notice some shame comes up. It feels like I am exposing myself too much, which means – surprise – there is still something unresolved in me around this.
Recurrent childhood dreams say something about early – and often deep – patterns in us which may become themes through our lives. That’s why I am taking some time to explore it again now.
I know for certain I will die within a few weeks or months. It’s inevitable.
That’s the dream image I woke up with it. In the dream, there was a moment of shock and dread, some things coming up to be digested, and this gave way to peace. It was a strong and vivid dream.
What’s this about? It may suggest a death of who and/or what I take myself to be. I may be in a process that leads to a loss of familiar identities etc., or my familiar experiential world in general. That fits my sense of the process I am in these days.
Of course, it may not be dramatic. We all die as what we are and are reborn as something else. That’s how it is with everything and everyone all the time.
It also brings up some questions:
What in me may be ready to die so I can live more fully?
If I only had a few weeks left, what would my main priorities be? How would it be to bring that into my life now?
I am exploring self-hatred, unlovable, and so on. Is that what’s about to die, at least in its current form? I am exploring it through (a) seeing that the painful stories are not true, (b) deeply recognizing them as here to protect me and from love, and (c) viscerally noticing the contraction and images/words as being made by what I am (consciousness) and the divine.
Especially viscerally noticing it as consciousness and the divine is important for me these days. It’s easy to do, just needs a shift in attention, and helps some deep patterns in me to shift and align more with the oneness I am and existence is.
If I knew I had little time left, my main priorities would be my connection with the divine, close people in my life, and enjoying daily life.
It’s a beautiful spring day so I went to Frognerparken, sat on my favorite bench under the trees and by the waterfall, read Ambrosial Experiences about people’s experiences with Amma, and made use of a pointer from there (giving memories and everything to the divine). That is one of the things I would do if I knew I had little time left.
I find my perception time fascinating, and my perception of the past and future is a clue to my perception of what my thoughts call here and now.
PAST
Something that happened years or decades ago seems like it happened yesterday, and also as if it happened ages ago. That’s fascinating and perhaps also not so surprising.
My images of the past are just that, images. They are literally imaginations.
I imagine my past and call it memory.
In that way, it feels like yesterday. It’s alive and fresh in imagination.
It also feels like ages ago. It feels distant. Like a dream.
The future is the same. It’s literally imagination. It only exists in images.
FUTURE
I can only find past and future here, in my images here and now.
They are guesses about the future, based on my images of the past and present.
PRESENT
This says something about my perception of what my thoughts call the present.
That too is here in my images here and now, along with what’s here in the other sense fields.
It’s happening with and as what I am. It’s happening within and as the consciousness I am. It’s made out of the consciousness I am. It’s made out of this awake space.
MY NATURE
Any exploration of my perception of (what my thoughts call) the past, future, and present inevitably brings me back to my nature.
It points to my nature as this awake space that forms itself into it all.
It points to my even more fundamental nature of capacity for it all.
A capacity that forms itself into it all – consciousness and all it forms itself into.
GAINING SUBSTANCE THROUGH SENSATIONS
If my experience of the past, future, and present happens within and as the consciousness I am, why does it sometimes seem real and with a substance.
It’s because my mind associates certain physical sensations with certain images of the past, future, and present. The sensations gives it a sense of substance and reality. And the images give a sense of meaning to the sensations.
Since sensations come and go, for anything to appear persistently real and solid, it needs to be associated with persistent sensations. And for sensations to be there persistently, there needs to be contraction, a physical contractions of the muscles.
That’s why issues, wounds, and traumas come with chronic muscle contractions. They depend on them. That’s also why issues, wounds, and traumas can be approaches throughout the mind or the body since they are made up of both.
SEED
The seed for this brief exploration was someone posting a Kanzeon Zen Center event photo from twenty years ago , saying it felt recent and also a very long time ago. That’s my experience too of what happened years or decades ago. When I look at my experience, I can find good reasons for that perception.
I returned to Oslo in the evening Friday May 15, and will be here through May – maybe longer.
This is a continuation of the journal I started when I went to Amritapuri in December, and then London in March and April. As usual, it will be as much a journal of my inner world as my outer.
An apology is a good first step when there has been a rift between people. It shows that we understand that our words or actions hurt the other, we are sorry for that hurt, and there is a different way to do it, and we wish to do it differently in the future.
Repair goes further. It’s often needed to more fully restore trust and a sense of safety with the other, and if done well, it can deepen and strengthen the relationship.
Repair includes…
Talking in some detail about what happened so both understand the sequence of events.
Exploring misunderstandings. What did we say? What did we mean? How did we understand the other?
Exploring wounds and reactivity. What was triggered? Where does that come from? How did the wounds and reactivity in one trigger wounds and reactivity in the other? How did it escalate? (If it did.)
Recognizing the dynamic between the wounds in both of us. In most cases, it’s not about you or me, it’s about the dynamic between us.
Recognizing the role of old wounds. What happened is, most likely, rooted in intergenerational and collective wounds. It came from somewhere else. It’s not as personal as it seems.
These steps help shift it out of blame and into understanding. It reveals the innocence in it. (Even if the consequences can be harmful.)
Finding concrete steps we can take next time something similar happens. Agree to make an effort to recognize that it’s starting to happen, and do it differently.
I listened to this interview with Eva zu Beck where she mentions finding herself.
FINDING ONESELF
What does it mean to find oneself?
I imagine it can mean a few different things.
It can mean finding a relationship, friends, place, work, and so on that feels like a good fit and home.
It can mean finding and engaging in something deeply meaningful to oneself. (Victor Frankl.)
It can mean doing what makes us come alive. (Howard Thurman.) (This can be slightly different from finding meaning.)
It can mean finding some degree of authenticity in life. (Existentialism, humanistic psychology, etc.)
It can mean learning to meet oneself and one’s experiences with kindness and love. This feels like coming home. (Buddhism, Pema Chödrön, Kristin Neff, etc.)
It can mean finding wholeness as a human being – healing, embracing shadows, and using the world as a mirror. (CG Jung, shadow work, parts work.)
It can mean finding oneself as part of the larger whole. This can be the larger social whole and community, the larger ecological whole, and the larger whole of this universe and existence. (Deep Ecology, Epic of Evolution, Universe Story, Practices to Reconnect.)
It can mean to find ourselves as participants in the evolution of this living system we call Earth and the seamless whole of the universe and existence. We are, by definition, at the leading edge of this evolution and consciously participating in this can be profoundly meaningful, exciting, and humbling. (Thomas Berry, Brian Swimme, Teilhard de Chardin, Sri Aurobindo, etc.)
It can mean to notice our nature, keep noticing through situations and states, explore how to live from this, and inviting our human self to reorganize within this noticing. (Spiritual traditions, Big Mind process, Headless Way.)
Each of these are an ongoing process without any finishing line. Life is always changing. There is always more to clarify, discover, and deepen into.
HAVE I FOUND MYSELF?
Have I found myself?
As usual, the answer may be yes, no, and it depends.
I find myself…
When I meet my experience with kindness.
When I notice and follow my inner guidance and knowing.
When my nature notices itself.
When I use the world as a mirror, and especially when I find in myself what bugs me in someone else.
When I viscerally feel myself as part of the larger whole, this seamless unfolding living planet, and this seamless existence.
When I am consciously part of the evolution of this universe and consciously participate in a certain direction of this evolution. For instance, through the Long Journey Home project and our regeneration project in the Andes.
Through Finca Milagros and the regeneration and food forest project there, which feels deeply meaningful to me.
In some ways, it happens through life circumstances. And mainly, it happens here and now and is an ongoing exploration and process.
