Becoming What is Resisted

There is the familiar saying “We become what we resist”, which – according to Google – is variously attributed to Ron Hubbard, the Delphic Oracle, China, Vedic wisdom, Buddhism, etc.

Exclusive Identity

From a Big Mind view, I see that exclusive identification with the small self – or an aspect of the small self – is what produces resistance. When I am caught up in the small self, there is a separation between me and you, and a dualistic view emerges.

From this, I operate from an exclusive and limited identity. I am this and not that. I am identified with one end of the polarity, and not the other end. The particular content of this identity (formed by culture and personal experiences) is less important the existence of it.

And whatever does not fit this identity is resisted.

This resistance can take the form of aversion. I see something in you which I see as undesirable and am actively resisting in myself. I am right, you are wrong. I am smart, you are stupid. I am happy, you are sad. I am enligthened, you are deluded. I don’t want you around because you are embodying that which I don’t want to have in myself.

Aversion may also come up when I see something in you which I see as desirable, but also reminds me of my own failure. You are smart, I am stupid. You are happy, I am sad. You are beautiful, I am not. You are enlightened, I am not. I don’t want you around, because you remind me of my own failure.

Or the resistance can take the form of attraction. I see something in you that I see as desirable but am not aware of in myself, something I on some level resist because it does not fit my current self-identity. You are beautiful, and I am not able to see myself as beautiful. You are smart, and I am not able to see myself as that smart. You are insightful, and I am not. You are enlightened, I am deluded. Maybe through becoming closer to you, I can find this in myself?

There is also another form of attraction. I see something in you that I see as undesireable, but I am also fascinated with it. You are brutal, and I am not but I have a fascination with it. You are promiscuous and I am not, but I find it fascinating. (The news and entertainment industry figured this one out a long time ago!).


And from Byron Katie‘s inquiry process, I see that whenever I resist something appearing in someone else, I automatically engage in exactly that which I tell myself I am resisting.

I tell myself that “she should not contract”, and as soon as the appears to contract, I contract in response. I tell myself that “they should not be noisy”, and at the moment they appear to be noisy, I become very noisy in my thoughts and judgments about them. I tell myself “he should not judge”, and as soon as he appears to judge, I judge.


There is a beauty in this. Existence is completely faithful and sincere in giving us everything we need to wake up right here and now. It is all made available to us, although we are not always available to it.

As soon as I am blindly caught up in the processes of the small self, as soon as I operate from a limited identity, as soon as I resist one end of the polarity and identify with the other, and as soon as all this is triggered, I immediately become what I resist. And this gives me a beautiful opportunity to see it, become receptive to it, allow it gently into my identity. To allow my identity to expand, become more inclusive, soften, more fluid.

As our identity becomes more inclusive and fluid, and embraces both ends of more and more polarities, we have the opportunity to loosen our exclusive identification with the small self. We have the opportunity to emerge gradually into a more transdual and Big Mind view.

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