For Me Now

Looking at the five phases by Tozan and Underhill, it seems quite clear that I went through all the four first phases over about 15 years. The first three phases were all merged somewhat, and lasted for maybe 8 years. And then about 7 years of phase four, which I may be at the tail end of.

But it is still difficult to imagine that it will come back. I had an awakening as formless awareness for about a year when I was sixteen, then a full blown awakening into Big Mind/Heart which deepened and clarified over several years. And then, a terrible fall from grace, apparently triggered by just random circumstances. During this time, everything that seemed so stable was stripped away, and there was only an utterly human life left – with no glory or comfort to find anywhere. It all seems to fit the phases.

Over the last one or two years, some of it has gradually returned, although in a quite different way. The main difference is that it now seems completely and utterly ordinary and unremarkable. I find myself as Big Mind, although at a volume that is quite a bit lower than during the initial awakening years ago. There is a far deeper familiarity and comfort with it now, but also less intensity. And I can see how this is a process of continuing deepening, clarification and integration. There is no “goal” or “endpoint”, just this – gradually maturing.

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