I did a process over phone tonight – similar to process work or active imagination – using my fatigue as a starting point.

Here is the process, as well as I can remember now (the sequence may be slightly off):

  • Attention to fatigue, as a brownish cloudy soft nebulae in the upper chest/throat/head area. It has a particular quality. It does not change.
  • The feminine quality from the dream this morning comes in. She is nearby, with her infinite feminine qualities – holding, warm, caring, wise.
  • The fear and confusion following the dream this morning comes up again. If I sink fully into this inner feminine, what will happen to my outer relationships? In the long run, it can only bring more fullness, but there may also be pain in the short run – during the initial adjustment period.
  • Our cat jumps up on my lap with a similar quality of caring and feminine energy.
  • Attention to tension in jaws and face, which vanishes in space.
  • Attention to tension at the base of the scull, which vanishes in space.
  • Attention to contraction in stomach.
  • Suddenly an awareness of all the rigidity throughout my body, from toes to head.
  • This rigidity turns into a dried up corpse.
  • I stay with the image of the corpse. It starts to soften and move. Life comes gradually into it again.
  • The former corpse is now revealed as the woman from my dream this morning.
  • She unfolds in her infinite feminity and it melts into everything.
  • The feminine holds the fatigue and everything else. The infinite care, warmth and compassion is deeply moving.
  • It all vanishes into space again.
  • A fear comes up: when all the rigidity is gone, what will be left?
  • I stay with the fear, and realize it has the same qualities as the initial fatigue (!). They are two sides of the same.
  • I stay with the fear and fatigue together.
  • The feminine goes into and holds the fear and fatigue, and I laugh as I realize that the fear and fatigue is no match to the feminine.
  • It all vanishes into space.
  • What is left is space and some tension in the jaws.
  • I stay with the tension.
  • It has a red and powerful quality, goes down through my body and out the soles of the feet and then swoops up and unfolds similar to a huge red flower unfolding.
  • I stay with it more, and it suddenly flows into the whole universe. It becomes and is revealed as the masculine energy which makes anything move throughout the universe. The energy which initially seemes dangerous and unpredictable is now revealed as the process of the universe, in all its infinite forms.
  • I am aware of wanting to censor this (seems too close to certain philosophies), and that this censoring is what is holding the energy back and locking it into the jaws.

Some highlights:

  • There is a fear around the inner feminine: If I sink fully into it, what will happen with my outer relationships? It can only bring fullness in the longer run, but there may also be pain in the shorter run, during the adjustment phase.
  • The fatigue was connected with fear of nothingness, of what will be if there is no “I”.
  • The infinite feminine can hold all of this. The fear and fatigue is no match for the cosmic feminine – and she is always here.
  • The jaw tension unfolded as forceful and slightly dangerous masculine energy, which was revealed as the yang energy throughout the universe – it is the universe as process. Everywhere, as everything, as it all unfolds according to its own nature.
  • The cosmic/infinite feminine and masculine came up during different phases of the process. And sometimes, one gave birth to the other. When I looked at both, I saw that their source is the same – and they are not really so different in their manifestation either. One holds and nurishes, the other is the process itself unfolding.

I did all this with one of deeksha givers in the seven month process. There is such a sense of familiarity with both of them, a comfort. And it is a great blessing in my process right now.

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