Over the last few days, it has become very obvious how everything I do seems to be tinged from the experience of “I”…
I find clarity in my recent health woes (energy level as if the bottom dropped out, back pain and so on), and congratulate myself with having achieved a certain level of “mastery”. And yet, I see how this “mastery” is junk. It just happens. There is no-one to take credit for it, no matter how I look at it.
And then I congratulate myself with seeing that there is no-one to take credit, and what a level of insight that comes from. And there is a strong sense of distaste coming up. Again, it is just garbage.
And I see how seeing it as garbage is coming from a certain level of realization. There is the seeing of how it all is coming out of delusion, and the weariness that comes with it, and then a voice saying Ha! This is just how it is supposed to be just before a breakthrough. Good job! Continue fueling this feeling of weariness of it all and something may happen! Just wait and see. Will I reach full awakening within a few weeks maybe?
And then distaste for this again, and congratulating myself for this distaste, in a seemingly endless cycle.
This seems to be coming up in any area of life just now. I can see the all-pervasiveness of deceit, of a sense of “I” as better or worse than something else, and then congratulating myself for seeing this, and that it is all garbage. It is all the same old junk coming from a sense of “I”.
It is coming up over and over, incessantly… And there is such a weariness with it all. Such a tiredness from getting caught up in it, running around like a hamster in a wheel. Spending so much energy and not getting much out of it.
It is all garbage, including seeing it as garbage, including this statement, and this… and this…