I did another endarkenment session, this time with Karen. Here are her notes from the session:
Coming into the session with:
1) Regrets about the past phase of the dark night
2) desire to receive an endarkenment deeksha
Seeing the polarity between the way I used to function and how the Endarkenment (hereafter ED) invites me to function. The old way is from the head; the new is from the belly.
(( ED deeksha ))
I’m seeing that shadow work opened the door to this place. (We discuss the way shadow work is a part of this space, but not the whole story.)
In the session with Barry, I went into deep space, a black hole. Since then, the energy is moving from the belly down into the hips — they have begun to feel really big.
There’s a hardness in the chest and head — like metal. It’s softening into the black space now. It drifted into a star and got absorbed. The star is coming into the belly; now it’s moving down into the legs and feet. Now I’m inside the star, changing sizes.
The neck area feels narrow and stringy, not full and moist. The blackness and the sun are working together there. The sun is opening up areas; then the blackness fills them. Now it’s doing something in the ears, head and brain, and the nervous system. The sun is more liquid now, going down into the feet and legs and back up again, into the arms, like a river. Now it’s softening all through the body, that field of blackness and light, all together.
In the belly area, a door is opening, inviting in and absorbing the darkness into the body. There’s room for a lot more.
My skin is expanding like a balloon. It popped in that field of darkness.
Where it started with that hardness re: the housemate, it’s very different now, more spacious. The way through will emerge out of the darkness.
As I walked around in the ED Friday and Saturday, I found there is nothing it cannot embrace.
Now I’m aware of the throat and voice — metallic tubes are there. As I felt into it, the tubes expanded and softened. Images come — a long tube going down into the earth, and dark matter coming up through it into the throat.
(Karen mentions that the metal element in Chinese medicine might be interesting to investigate, and that excess metal is often characterized by perfectionism. Per reveals that his constitutional element is fire, with metal second, and that many practitioners first assume he is a metal type. )
A discomfort comes up around metal. I like to read about the other types, but don’t want to read about metal.
My whole body became a metal robot, but still within the darkness. Moving around is very difficult as a robot.
Now all the metal fell to the ground. A part wants to make the metal into soil but can’t. The sun came back and melted the metal back into liquid.
The sun is encompassing the whole body now, and allowing all the metal to melt. It’s a stream of liquid metal now, in the nervous system, going through the darkness.
Amazing — three years ago, in a dream, I could see this on the outside, not knowing what it was about, yet knowing it could happen for me on the inside — and now it is!
I got into Breema around then, and that set the stage for this. Breema is all about the hara center, the belly, the body. Breema has been about experiencing light in the belly; now that is there with this liquid light. Amazing how different the two are.
The darkness is really filling up the legs now.
Now the old experience of the light is shrinking into a golden ball in the belly and melted into the stream of liquid light. The rest of it went into the heart and did the same thing there. The old light is floating around outside my body, and doesn’t know what to do.
Most of it went into my hands now. Into the belly, heart, and hands.
I’m experiencing the fullness. The whole body now is rich, dark, and loamy with that liquid metal light. The light is earthy now.
(Karen mentions that Barry has experienced the “dark light”)
(Per relates that when he was a kid, he had a velvet painting of a black panther on the wall above his bed.) Around age 8 or 10, I had a dream, and in the dream, the black panther was the best friend, the deepest connection with any being I’ve ever experienced. The eyes in the painting were very bright.
All the light areas in the painting went into the light, and all the dark areas went into the dark.
Everything wants to get integrated now.
As a kid, I had memories of what it was like before I was born. The emotions are now overwhelming. Such light and fullness, an incredible sense of belonging. It comes into the body through the feet — oh, that’s beautiful!
At the time of my initial awakening, there was a huge amount of intensity, and it was traumatic and difficult because it was so intense. That wants to be integrated, too.
Oh, wow — that whole time in my life all went into the belly and was embraced by the darkness, along with a whole bunch of other things from childhood.
Something in the chest wants to be included.
My whole life is embraced now. The whole timeline from before birth up until that dark night during the time I lived at the Zen Center in SLC.
Now it’s back to my birth. I don’t think I wanted to be born, especially after that pre-birth experience.
The point of conception is included also, now — a golden point popped, then golden rains fell down.
White pearls are on top of the head, coated with darkness. There’s a golden sun in the belly, inside the dark. The pearl is being stretched, and becomes a stream of white light going down the legs, out through the feet, then envelops me. Wow — it turned into a big lotus blossom atop the head, as in the Tibetan practices I used to do.
A dark blue Buddha appeared there — similar in color to the Medicine Buddha, like the one in the picture Jen put on the altar.
That lotus is very vivid, strong, and clear, like I could touch it. The moon is inside the lotus. I guess it just wants to hang around the rest of the day.
The Buddha is smiling form ear to ear — it’s one big smile!
There was a little thought that something else needs to happen. The Buddha took it and ate it. He’s telling me that anything that’s difficult for me, he can take it and eat it. His hands are out. He’s gobbling down the question about what to do next in my life, then the troubles of everybody in the world, the whole universe.
Now I want to do more Tibetan practices. (Karen: it seems they are doing themselves in you…) Before, I went too far into light and emptiness and stopped.
(Karen: You can go into the ED and allow whatever practices to take place there…)
The Buddha is becoming darker — becoming that rich soil. In Tibetan practice, Buddhas become light and are absorbed into the heart. Now he’s becoming soil and being absorbed into my body.
Worry came up that I can’t do this without Barry or Karen, on my own, and the buddha grabbed it and ate it.