Journey: feeling like an outsider

A journey facilitated by Karen (her notes):

Backtracking to gather feelings, beliefs, and judgments —

The group seems escapist.
Uncomfortable, jaw tight, the sense of myself as a vulnerable animal, wanting to get away — fear.
On the track of something important, and fearing being convinced to go another way.
Lonely — it’s always been this way.
Things are never what I’m hoping for — too narrow, as at the Zen Center.
You and Barry hold what I’m wanting more of — broad and deep.
The two people I feel closest to are Tibetan Buddhist monks; every Way seems to focus on one thing while leaving something else out — either energy or consciousness or the shadow…

Going into the subconscious to get in touch with personality identity level —

There are several.

1) From a dream — I am one of a group of yogis, wild and crazy, eating nettles, in caves for 20 years, unafraid of anything. I don’t totally fit in, and wonder Do they want me there? –although they think I fit in, and completely accept me. My name is Yogi Rashma — rash = royal, ma= mother. I’m in a male body. I wonder if they will think this is strange, but they don’t.

2) Childhood pattern — I always felt strange and different. In larger groups I felt like an outsider. I was an easy target for two boys who bullied me. My own friends, even my good friends, turned against me. I felt paralyzed, completely confused, as though I had no ground under my feet.  My parents were not helpful — they felt the same. It was all about not being comfortable in yourself and having to present a mask to the world, not being comfortable in your own skin. My attraction to Breema is all about that. When I do a lot of Breema, I feel comfortable all around.

3) Even younger, around 4 or 5, I had memories of pre-birth, and the feeling of belonging, being home, surrounded by compassionate love and intelligence. I didn’t want to be born, but knew I had to be. I had a sense of how my life would be. There was a sense of a task later in life, to help others. A Norwegian psychic told me this, too. She said  would have to go through a lot to remove arrogance. At that time, people thought I’d be well known in whatever field I went into. In my mid-twenties, it all fell apart. I had to go outside of all the conventions of society.
The states are very ordinary, yet they are outside society too. In feeling that no place is home, every place becomes home.

Contrasting the two — the vulnerable part, and the outsider. Two different ways of being an outsider. Not comfortable or “chosen” — noticing all of the hurt, confusion, and reactiveness.
The small, vulnerable, soft animal, vulnerable to the world.
An enormous sense of confusion, lost, not knowing what’s going on at all — waking up in a human body, “lost in space.”  Looking for form, and lost about where I’m going.

A sequence:
1) Feeling lost
2) An identity gets created out of it.
3) Feeling sorry for myself
4) Wanting to feel sorry for myself — I should.
5) I push others away to keep the identity going.

The hologramatic level, or “bubble” — If it starts to get too comfortable, I look for things to prove I don’t quite fit.

(What would it be like outside the bubble? Or to fit in?)
Scary — there’d be no boundaries. It’d feel lost in a different way.
By making an identity out of being lost, it’s not scary. I’m not lost
anymore, I’m making a box for it. Without that box, everything would be
wide open.

(And what then?)

I’d explode??  Like in empty space without a spacesuit, you explode.
There’s nothing to hold the body together anymore.

(So, since that’s not going to happen physically, how would it go?)

At the Zen Center, I began to expand out in all directions, no center anywhere. It brought up a lot of fear, and it stopped.
I can’t understand how that would be on a feeling level; I can mentally.
I can understand there’d be no separate self, everything would be co-mingling; that’s OK.  The expansiveness in all directions brings up fear — a core fear — I have to let go of an identity as small.
Fear: I’m not going to exist, if I can’t exist as small.

I’m feeling all the parts of me on the human level can coexist with that infinity.
They changed, of course, when I did that.
They can still be around — the resistance is softening.
It takes awhile to reorient. I can still feel that fear; allowing it to reorganize.

Beliefs are felt in the throat. Feeling the fertile darkness; I feel the voice changing as it embodies.
(Mentioning the links that often occur between chakras 2 and 5, and 1 and 5 — “I’ll be killed if I speak my truth/say what I know”)
In a dream in my teens I was an anarchist in 1860s Russia. People in my group started using violence; I didn’t want to. I was shot by them as i ran through grain fields in the fall. I was found there.
(It’s the outsider theme again…it can be very lonely being an evolutionary catalyst in this planet…)

Teachers tend to make states into something very special, when they are actually very ordinary. The deeksha is a very early step, a baby step. There is hurt and loneliness around it.
At lunch with Ellen, she told her mantra — Don’t limit God.
(If you were to embody that, what would it be like?)
Peace, spaciousness, compassion for the parts with the fear.

Lately I’ve been looking at this: If I knew this would stay this way forever, what would have to change in my consciousness to be OK with that?

Everything is neutral…

Two weeks ago, I went through a spontaneous process where I saw myself from the perspective of a large number of other people in my life, and how I’d affected them…

Session feels complete…