I am learning to appreciate the dark night more and more, especially as I am at the tail end of it… I see how it allowed for a deepening into who I am, as an individual, and also what I am, as awake emptiness. And it both cases, it happened through wearing off of beliefs and identities…
Even before it happened, I saw how there were still identities floating around, most of it taking the form of arrogance, of feeling better and worse than others. And although it allows for an exploration of those splits, it is also a split, preventing a wider embrace of who I am (of everything I see out there also in here) and what I am, as Ground, awake emptiness, awake emptiness and form. And, it also seemed to allow for the shift into endarkenment, the yin complement to the yang awakening… the luminous darkness and a different way of embodiment.
It was of course painful, but the pain only came from trying to hold onto something that had outlived its purpose. It came from trying to hold onto identities that life made it impossible (or at least very difficult) to hold onto anymore.
All of this is very sobering, and it also reveals the inherent neutrality of all of it.
There were the amazing qualities of the initial awakening (a strong and lasting awakening into the soul and causal realms, with a relatively clear view into the nondual, but not quite there yet). And the awful qualities of the dark night of the soul (stripping away beliefs and identifications). And together, they make up the peak and the valley of a wave, which arise out of the same surface. Together, they cancel each other out, in a way.
And also, there is also a much more felt-sense of how these are simply guests. The awakening came and went on its own, living its own life. And the dark night came and went (or is in the process of going), also living its own life. They were just visitors, as all experiences and all content of awareness are. Visitors coming and going on their own, living their own life. We can of course do what we can to invite them, or nudge them on their way, but they still come and go on their own, and in their own time. Both visitors had a profound impact on this individual, but beyond that, there is nothing personal about it.
As with so much else, I saw this clearly during the initial awakening. But the deep felt-sense of it wasn’t there. It was filtered through the head center, but not through the belly center.
And of course, what it all leads to is a recognition, also as a felt-sense, of the inherent neutrality of any situation. Awakening, dark night, bliss, torment… whatever it is, is inherently neutral. It is Ground with a thin surface of form. Emptiness dancing. This too was clearly seen in the initial awakening, but not deeply felt.
The dark night helped set the stage for a deepening into the felt-sense, and the endarkenment is in the process of shifting it further… making it more real, more embodied.