Inquiry: They shouldn’t be so fear driven.

They shouldn’t be so fear driven. (A good inquiry for me.)

  1. True?
    Yes. Feels that way. (Feels uncomfortable when they are.) My stories tells me so. (Have lots of support from different stories I tell myself.) Some others agree. (Can always find someone who agrees.)
  2. Sure?
    No. It is my own should. Also don’t know what is best for them, or me, in the long run or the big picture.
  3. What happens when I believe that thought?
    • I try to avoid being around them, at least for longer periods of time. I hold back from engaging with them. And I do this to the extent they seem fear driven.
    • I see myself as better than them. As having another insight. Different tools. In my own view, I make myself too good for them. (Hard to admit, but true when I look at it.)
    • I see them filtered through these stories. I interpret whatever they do to fit into the “fear driven” story. I look for anything that seem fear driven and make that more important than most else.
    • Sense of split. Separation. Separation with them, myself, life, the situation.
    • I see all of this happening, coming from confusion from my side, and add another should… I should be done with this by now. This makes me feel trapped between how I feel about them (wanting to be somewhere else), and how I feel about not being further along myself. I get confused, ambivalent, frustrated. Feel trapped in the whole mix.
    • I get a knot in solar plexus, reflecting the fear I see in them, and the ambivalence I experience about the whole situation. I see this knot as a symptom… of something that shouldn’t be.
    • When did I first have that thought? Probably in my teens. More strongly following the endarkenment shift that shifted my own relationship with fear.
  4. Who would I be without that belief?
    • Clear. Appreciating them as they are. Seeing the fear as just one of many aspects, and often not that important or prominent.
    • Free to engage with them, independent of presence of fear or not. Free to stay or do something else, without the drama I sometimes add to it.
    • Seeing myself in them. Seeing the fear I see in them also in myself. Taking it as an opportunity to find it in myself, and appreciating it as one part of the whole.
    • Seeing us all as human. Sense of us. Sense of the fear as connecting us, as shared, as universally human, rather than dividing us. Appreciating us as all human, fears and all. Seeing the beauty of it.
  5. Turnarounds.
    • They should be so fear driven.
      • Yes. They are. Innumerable causes has brought this to life right now. Who am I to argue?
      • They perfectly reflect their backgrounds and life. They are from an older generation where these things were more taboo, both admitting “flaws” and working with them. They are from families where those views were quite strong. And they didn’t have as many tools available to them early in their adult life as we have now. (Seeing this opens my heart… a tender bittersweet feeling for them and me and the dynamic between us.)
      • It helps me be more conscious about fear, how it shows up in my own life, how I relate to it. It helps me be more conscious about my beliefs around it, how I make it into something “bad” and undesirable. It invites me to inquire into those beliefs and find what is more true for me.
    • I shouldn’t be so fear driven.
      • True. I shouldn’t be so fear driven in relationship to fear itself. I take it as an anomaly, something that shouldn’t be there, while it is just a part of human life. There are good reasons for it to be there, evolutionary and personally. It has an invaluable function in our lives. It helps us survive. And as with anything else, our relationship with it can go a little out of whack sometimes… either denying it or over identifying with it or both. That is just how life is.
      • Also true in that I shouldn’t be so fear driven in relationship to fear that I don’t inquire into my beliefs around it, and don’t fully allow the experience of it.
    • I should be so fear driven.
      • Well, yes. I am. Who am I to argue?
      • For me too, innumerable causes has brought this about. If I am in the grips of fear, as I am sometimes, that is OK. That too is just human, a part of the ordinary human experience. It is beautiful in that.
      • It helps me explore my beliefs around it, and invites me to fully allow the experience of it even if I habitually try to avoid it.
    • My thinking shouldn’t be so fear driven.
      • Yes. Not so fear driven that it won’t investigate fear and its relationship with fear.
    • Fear drive shouldn’t be me.
      • Yes, this is a good one. I don’t have to identify with the fear drive. I can see it happen, allow it fully, make friends with it, without getting caught up in it. I can see it as a visitor, a friend, living its own life, on its own time.
    • Fear drive should be me.
      • Yes, in a couple of different ways. I am sometimes identified with it, and that is OK. The discomfort in it invites me to explore it more, gradually shifting it from I to me, a subject to an object.
      • And I can allow it fully when it is here, as a guest, a friend, living its own life.

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