Inquiry: I need M. to understand me

I need M. to understand me.

  1. True?
    Yes. That feels true. And I am sure I can find others who agree.
  2. Sure it is true?
    • No. It’s not true. It is just my preference. I am trying to tell life what to do.
    • Also, I don’t want her to understand me unless it is her desire and part of her process.
  3. What happens when I believe that thought?
    • I feel frustrated that she seems to not understand me. I tell myself that her choice and reaction is based on a misunderstanding. I can find plenty of evidence to support that story. (I haven’t done anything I am aware of to justify her reaction. We have had enjoyable and easy interactions up until her choice.)
    • I want to clarify. I want to have a good conversation and clear things up. I am frustrated that she does not want that conversation.
    • I have images of how it can be. We are having a good and honest conversation, and find mutual understanding and resolution. It feels good to both of us. It is a relief. We both benefit from the conversation and the clarification and insights that came out of it.
    • I feel it needs to happen, and it feels wrong if it doesn’t. Since she is not open for a conversation, I don’t see any way of making it happen. I feel trapped.
  4. Who would I be without it?
    • Curious about either outcome. Interested in the possibilities in either situation.
    • Interested in how she already does understand me. Able to take it in.
    • Finding peace with either situation. Finding calm. Rest. Sense of it being OK either way.
    • Curious of how it is OK either way. Interested. Feeling into it, feeling through it.
    • Curious about how I may arrive at a resolution for myself that feels complete, whether she participates or not.
    • I take responsibility for myself and my own process. Whether she participates or not, it is my job to digest it for myself.
  5. Turnarounds.
    • I don’t need M. to understand me.
      • I don’t need to. I am OK anyway.
      • I can find resolution here, on my own. That’s where it has to happen anyway, whether we find resolution together or not.
    • I need me to understand me.
      • Yes, that is true. I need to find understanding for myself. Self-empathy. Inquiry.
    • I need to understand M.
      • Yes, also true. I need to understand M. I need to find an understanding of where she comes from. That it makes sense from her experience and background.
      • She is making the choice that seems best to her from where she is at.
    • I need to not understand M.
      • Yes. I need to recognize that I cannot understand M.
      • Even when or if I have a sense of understanding her, it is a story I tell myself.

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