For a while now, when I go to bed, throughout the night, and for a while after waking up in the morning, there is a sense of everything dissolving and of not recognizing my inner landscape.

It’s an experience that triggers fear for me and is easy to resist, so I have to be conscious when I shift into befriending it and noticing I am it already.

I imagine it’s how a larva experiences the dissolution as/in the pupa, but that’s a story of a future, and I have really no idea what this is about or how it unfolds.

Note: When I ask myself, is this OK? there is a shift into befriending this. But this experience is at first not very comfortable to me. It’s scary as hell. It feels chaotic. Unfamiliar. It brings up a great deal of fear. And behind those fears are beliefs – this is out of control, I will never get out of it, I won’t be able to take care of myself. So when I am caught up in those beliefs, I try to avoid the fear and the experience of dissolving and chaos, and try to find a footing somewhere, usually by getting out of bed, turn on the light, and find an anchor in some activity. The alternative is, as I mentioned, to ask myself, is this experience OK? Is it true it is out of control? Is it true I will never get out of it? Is it true I won’t be able to take care of myself? And also to notice I already am the experience – as it is.

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