I have had a mysterious draw to watching episodes of Derrick, an old German TV show.
It’s not very good, and I don’t like it that much – the setting is dreary, the story line predictable and repetitive, and not much to gain in terms of insights in human nature.
And yet, I am mysteriously drawn to it. There is something in it for me.
Instead of keep watching something I don’t really enjoy, why not inquire into it? Why not find in myself what I look for in watching these episodes?
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What’s fascinating to me in it? What stands out to me?
The setting is often dreary. Gray. Sad.
Many of the people’s lives seem similarly dreary.
There is a sense of discomfort. Derrick is often tracking down some poor fellow who committed a far more serious crime than intended, and it’s often a slow and painful process for the suspect.
The person committing the crime is often an ordinary person who gets on a slippery slope until there is no way back.
The story line often seem moralizing.
The viewpoint of the movie observes young people in an odd way, as if from the outside and somewhat caricatured.
Can I find this in my own life?
No. That’s a good point.
I don’t recognize these qualities so much from my own life.
Which means, they may be my shadow.
Qualities that don’t fit how I am used to seeing myself, or would like to see myself, so they get ignored.
Can I find it if I look a little closer?
Hm. I notice reluctance to finding it in my own life.
I am afraid I would see my own life in this way, have to include it in my self-image.
Now I realize there is something sobering for me in Derrick.
There is a part of reality there that I haven’t embraced for myself.
How would it be to embrace those parts?
Sobering, in a good way.
It is a relief.
I don’t need to push it away anymore.
Can I find examples of how it is my life?
Dreary and gray.
Hm. The last couple of years have been more of a hermit phase for me.
My daily life often consists of resting, going for walks, sitting by the computer, talking with people on Skype.
From the outside, I can see how this may seem dreary and gray.
Sad.
Hm. Yes, sadness sometimes comes up.
I can even see how my life can seem sad from the outside, mostly because of the rest I allow myself for the healing process.
Also, if I or someone else buy into my stories of some of the things I regret, that may seem sad as well.
Slippery slope.
Hm. Well, when I believe my thoughts, it’s certainly a slippery slope – in my mind and sometimes my life.
Drawn out painful process.
Yes. I recognize that.
The whole dark night phase has felt that way for me.
(The dip into the reverse after a long period of oneness awakening.)
Moralizing.
I am more moralizing than I like to admit.
Any should, any belief, is a hook into moralizing.
He/she should do that. Shouldn’t do that.
Life should be this way, not that.
Anything else?
I see that what I wish for myself is a more sober approach.
–> In particular, I wish to see the effects of believing my stories
I wish to see the reality of it.
And my hunch is that that reality is more dreary, gray and sad than I have wanted to admit for myself.
Is there anything positive in beliefs?
I used to believe so.
Now, I am not so sure.
Seeing that, I get the same sinking feeling I get when watch Derrick.
And yet, there is a big relief here.
It’s reality.
The reality of believing stories seem to be that there is nothing positive there.
Letting all this sink in some, I also find a more genuine affection for Derrick along with a softening or release of the pull.
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Update:
It’s now about one week later, and so far there is more of an easy recognition of the sad, gray, dreary here (which feels good, it’s sobering), and I haven’t – so far – been called to watch more episodes of Derrick.
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