I didn’t want to be born.
I did not want to be incarnated.
No. It was mixed.
How do you react when you believe that thought?
I feel terrible.
Something terrible is happening.
I feel that something is deeply wrong.
I feel I can’t trust the universe, since it’s doing this to me.
There is a knot in my stomach. Tension. Shallow breathing.
I want to curl up in a ball.
I don’t want to exist.
I want to destroy myself.
Whose business are you in when you believe that thought?
Not my business.
What are you afraid would happen if you didn’t have that belief?
–> That I would be born/incarnated without protesting.
(I want to register my opinion.)
What do you hope to get out of that belief?
That the universe will change its mind.
It will realize it made a mistake and change its mind.
(It will change its mind at some point anyway. It’s not a permanent gig.)
What do I actually get out of that belief?
A lot of suffering.
I create misery for myself.
–> A sense of stuckness.
Anger and resentment.
Who would you be without that thought – I didn’t want to be born?
Here and now.
[I notice it’s painful to even imagine, it’s such an ingrained belief.]
I would allow myself to enjoy life. Soak in it. Live it fully.
Reap it’s joys and benefits fully.
My body is relaxed.
I did want to be born.
Yes, at some level.
I knew it was right.
It’s an adventure.
I want to be aligned with life, the universe, and life wanted me to be born.
I am born.
I didn’t want to not be born.
I didn’t want to miss out on this.
I wanted to see what would happen.
–> I wanted to align with life, which wanted me born.
I wanted adventure.
My thinking didn’t want me to be born.
As soon as I believed that thought – I don’t want to be born – my thinking didn’t want me to be born.
It made it appear very real, very true.
It made it feel true.
– o –
I can really feel this in my gut.
It’s a very basic belief.
As a kid, I had several times when I remembered how it was before incarnation.
Infinite love and wisdom.
A complete sense of being home.
I deeply didn’t want incarnation.
I didn’t want to lose it.
I wanted to prove to the universe it was wrong in letting me be born.
This is a core belief, a core fear, a core wound.
It seems related to the dread & terror that’s been surfacing for me lately.
It wants to be seen, felt, loved, released from it’s suffering.
–> I can also do this as I don’t want to be born
and from how (I imagine) it was back then,
before incarnation and when I realized it would happen.
And also from situations where I didn’t want this incarnation.
– o –
I don’t want to be born.
Something terrible will happen if I am incarnated.
It’s a mistake for me to be born.
Something went wrong.
– o –
I realize this is the out-of-Eden myth.
I notice it feels embarrassing and personal, as if I don’t want anyone to know about it, which is a sign I really take it as true.
I also notice that when it’s a deep, ingrained inquiry, I feel there’s no point in doing inquiry ahead of actually doing the inquiry.
– o –