What do I hope to get out of this belief?
What am I afraid will happen if I didn’t have this belief?
These questions help me see (a) what I value in the belief, and (b) what I am afraid would happen if I didn’t have it.
When these assumptions come out in the open, I can take them to inquiry as well.
Here is an example, applied on a topic that has surfaced for me recently:
A very early childhood wound around not feeling completely loved, safe.
– o –
I am unlovable.
What do I hope to get out of that belief?
I get there ahead of others. I get to prepare. I protect myself against disappointment.
What am I afraid will happen if I didn’t have that belief?
I will be disappointed. I will get my hopes up, and then be crushed.
– o –
Intimacy is dangerous.
What do I hope to get out of that belief?
I get to protect myself. I can hold back from intimacy and avoid it’s dangers.
What am I afraid will happen if I didn’t have that belief?
I will go into intimacy and get hurt.
– o –
Additional questions.
Intimacy is dangerous, because….
I can get hurt.
She may not like me.
I will have to reveal all of who I am.
I can’t hide.
– o –
I need to hide.
(I am keeping a specific situation from the past in mind.)
Is it true?
Yes.
Can you be absolutely certain it’s true?
No.
What happens, how do you react, when you believe that thought?
I hold back. I feel I can’t be completely open about how I feel.
I experience separation to her and myself, my own feelings and wants.
I feel lonely.
I feel ambivalent about her.
I feel we are drifting apart.
I feel sad. Alone.
Who would you be without it?
Open about how I feel about her. Honest.
Honest about my concerns, fears.
I tell her I don’t want to lose her friendship, and that I would like something more.
I feel relieved by being open and honest with her.
I am authentic with her, myself.
I see that whatever happens, I have been authentic, honest, open with her.
Turnarounds.
I don’t need to hide.
1. I like when others are honest with me, and I like when I am honest with others.
2. She may like that I am honest with her.
3. It will ease our communication. We both know what’s already here, it’s out in the open. We can make choices that work better for both of us.
I need to be open, myself.
1. Yes, it gets out in the open what’s already here.
2. It helps us both make better decisions.
3. It helps us both relate to reality.
4. It’s what I want for myself.
5. She may like me better, or less, and it’s good to know. I get to know it sooner.
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