Notes from a recent session with Barry, with my responses in parenthesis and hot beliefs underlined:
The part that’s not quite healed, willingness to meet – energy of paralysis, locate in body, (in heart), lets gently go there, allowing it to come forward, show us more about itself, (fear), look for where the fear is most focalized, (legs feel paralyzed), follow the thread where its deepest and most concentrated, making the decent, (the safest is to not exist), (wish to not exist), (fear of making a mistake/i will make a mistake, people will get angry at me, i will disappoint people, i will disappoint god/the divine), see if there is anything deeper, (anger), (angry at god/realty, anger at god/realty since sets me up to suffer/make mistakes, do things wrong), (fear of disappointing people), what do you fear will happen?, (they will get angry at me, they will point out my flaws, they may not like me anymore, they may abandon me, i will be alone, i will be without support, my life will go downhill, my life will go off track, i will regress, i will suffer, i will die), and then what happens?, (i will disappoint god), and now god is disappointed, what happens then?, (god will abandon me, i am completely lost for eternity, isolated (feels very strong)), sit in that for a while, drop into it, what happens if you are completely lost for eternity?, (i will spiral down even further eternally), let’s look at that spiral, where does that go?, (complete disintegration, ceasing to exist, childhood dream of falling into a witch’s cauldron, disintegrating, ceasing to exist), what happens after complete disintegration?, ((shaking, stomping feet, standing up and shaking vigorously, sit and head/shoulders shake strongly from side to side/spiral up and down, lasts several minutes, cramp in stomach, feel sick)), continue to breathe into it, allow it to open, move… may need time to let this shift, integrate a little bit, then look at it consciously, go to higher mind, bring light to all these ideas, the different levels of belief and identity, it doesn’t go any deeper than where you just went, it always comes down to the fear of nonexistence, at the bottom of the whole thing, if you sit of the fear of nonexistence, if you keep going deeper, you do go out the bottom, into another, (it already happened, to some extent), most people make the path of ascent, the luminous light, or you can go down and go into the luminous darkness, you go there either way (the disintegration is happening within god/the divine, and what’s left – when all is disintegrated/gone – is god)
Some basic beliefs:
I will disappoint people. (They will be angry with me. Leave me. I will be alone. Isolated. Suffer. Lost.)
I will disappoint God/the divine. I am a disappointment to God.
God/reality sets me up to make mistakes. (It’s possible to make a mistake. It’s a mistake. I will be lost. Suffer. Alone.)
God will abandon me. I am lost for eternity.
It will spiral down even further.