JYN: Alone in a crib in a dark room

Situation: Alone in a crib in a dark room. Infancy.

1. I am afraid because my mother abandoned me, she doesn’t love me, she is not there for me.

2. I want my mother to come and get me, let me stay with them, hold me, comfort me.

3. My mother should love me, be with me, make me comfortable, make me feel safe, make me feel secure, make me feel loved. My mother shouldn’t abandon me.

4. I need my mother to be with me, love me, care for me, be there for me.

5. My mother is absent, unloving, misguided, distracted.

6. I don’t ever want to experience being left alone again.

My mother abandoned me. 

#3 – afraid, confused, lost, numb, paralyzed, i’ll continue to be alone in this room, she won’t be there for me if i need her, i don’t understand what’s happening,  confusion/lost, fear in my whole body, she has the power to abandon me so am afraid it will happen, try to be a good boy, try to not upset her, not crying, being quiet, i tell myself it’s safer to be quiet,

#4 – trust, see the door is a little open, hear my parents talking w guests, i know they will come if i cry, notice it’s comfortable, curious about the room, the door a little open, fun to move my body a little, feel my body moving, interested in what’s around me, feel comforted by the sounds, my parents talking with guests,

TA: I have abandoned me. By believing all those thoughts, those images. I created an image of myself being abandoned. It all happened in my own thoughts, images, nowhere else. I abandoned my body by lying still, not feeling it.

TA: My mother didn’t abandon me. She hasn’t done it yet. She came if I cried, and in the morning. She even came if I didn’t cry. She would come into the room and look. I was probably in her mind, at times or even quite often, even if she was somewhere else.

TA: My mother stayed with me. She was there my whole childhood and later. I think she stayed with me in her mind, even if we were separate. I slept in their bed/room at times. She stays with me in my mind (independent of whether I tell myself it was bad/good).

TA: I abandoned my mother. I didn’t connect when I wanted to, I was quiet. I often chose to be with my father instead of my mother. After leaving their home, there have been periods where I have been less in touch. I haven’t always told my mother what’s been going on in my life. I abandoned her in my trust, love.

My mother is distracted. Situation, when my father was in hospital.

#3 – i feel abandoned, i am afraid of losing her, fear, feel alone, lost, at times i try to get her attention, i ask her to do things for me, i don’t feel connected, i don’t see that she is still there for me, i am not able to be happy, comfortable, doing my own things, i am mentally in her business, her life

#4 –  Confident. Enjoying my life. Enjoying playing, being outside. Free around her, to come and go. Relaxed, comfortable in my body.

TA: I am distracted. I am afraid what will happen with my father. I am distracted by these thoughts about my mother. I am distracted by my fear about what will happen with my father, and of my mother being distracted, not there for me. I am distracted from myself: by these thoughts and fears about father, mother. I am distracted from my mother: by my fears about my father in hospital, whenever i play w friends, read.

TA: My thoughts are distracted. They go into fearful images. I think my father may die. I won’t have a father. My mother won’t be there for me. My mind distracts me from feeling connected with my mother, with my own body.

TA: My mother is not distracted. I imagine she is often w my father in her mind. We would always have food on the table. I had clean clothes.

TA: My mother is present. I had four meals every day, made by or made available by her. She made sure I had what I needed – clean clothes, went to bed at a certain time, gave me weekly allowance, I had the Donald Duck comic book on Tuesdays, we visited my father together,

 

 

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