Deficient selves

I am exploring Scott Kiloby’s Unfindable Inquiry, and as part of that identify deficient selves, perceptions of myself as deficient in different ways – surfacing in different situations. Here are some of them:

Lost, adrift, fuzzy, not well, unsafe, unloved, hopeless, helpless, victim, paralyzed, numb, insecure attachment – selves.

The left behind, alone self.

The unsafe self. The insecure self.

The unlovable self. The unloved self. The self that missed out. The self that’s not love.

The one who is not getting what he wants. The one born against his will. The one mistreated by life.

The alone self. The isolated self. The lost self.

The suffering self. The victim self. The hurt self.

Fatalistic self. Powerless self. Victim of circumstances/others/life self. The leaf in a storm self.

The overwhelmed self. The panicked self. The self that wants to check out. The self that wants to be saved by someone else. The self that wants to die.

The sensitive self. The psychic sponge self. The self that’s influenced by others.

The restless self. The needy self. The self that sees what’s not here as better.

The vengeful self. The self that wants others to suffer. The self that wants me to suffer.

The resistant self. The procrastinating self. The negative self. The complaining self.

The spiritual self. The self-improving self. The self trying to do it’s best. The good self. The bad self.

The self that’s afraid of being an adult. The self that’s not measuring up. The self that’s not up to the task.

The self that’s holding back. The paralyzed self. The numb self. The shocked self.

The self that wants others to envy me. The self that wants to be better than others. The self that wants to be admired.

The self that cannot trust life. The self that doesn’t trust God. The self that doesn’t trust others.

The martyr self. The self giving up what feels deeply right.

The drama queen self. The self delighting in drama.

For each of these, I can explore it from a particular situation triggering it, and using a set of very simple questions:

Images & thoughts

Can you find images and thoughts associated with the deficient self? What images and thoughts are there?

Can you see these as images and thoughts?

Are these images and thoughts who you are? Are they who you really are, fundamentally? As that which doesn’t come and go?

And then the same set of questions for emotions, and sensations.

When these deficient selves operate unconsciously or partly consciously, they may seem quite real and substantial, and mind is identified with them. As they are looked into more closely, and what’s really there is more clear, there isn’t so much to identify with anymore. The mind is unable to identify with it in the way it used to.


Unloved by myself, others, women, God/life. Unlovable by myself, others, women, mother/father, God/life.


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