Wounded child – identity, perceived payoff, effects

Here is a core survival pattern I notice in me.

I want to keep looking at: 

1. The identity (wounded child, numb, frozen, paralyzed)
2. The perceived payoff (protection, staying safe, survival)
3. The effects in my life (passive, letting others make decisions, missed opportunities)
4. Staying with/breathing into what comes up (numbness, sadness, anger)
5. Also notice resistance to looking at this, the gatekeeper (beliefs, hopelessness, fear, images, stories)

Some of what I find:

1. The identity: Going into numbness, being frozen, paralyzed (in early childhood). Hesitation. Holding back at the threshold of what I want. Allowing others to make decisions. Regret missed opportunities. Numb –> anger –> sadness –> fear.
2. Perceived payoff: Staying safe, protected, surviving.
3. Effects: Being passive, slow, hesitation, letting others make decisions, being at the mercy of the decisions of others, missed opportunities (in education, relationships, work, where to live).
4. Staying with it: Behind the numbness, anger, behind the anger, fear.
5. Resistance: Fear of facing it, staying with it, investigating. Unease. (As a gatekeeper. If a part of me believes this pattern is needed for survival, there will naturally be fear when I face it.)

Some ways to explore it:

1. Inquiry using these questions. Inquiry on the beliefs I find.
2. Neurogenic tremors while bringing this to mind: the early childhood situation, numbness, perceived payoff, actual consequences in my life. This may help release tension and trauma around it, unfreeze the patterns, release the energy (strength, power) that’s held up in these patterns. Also, EFT and similar techniques.
3. Being open and honest in relationships, allowing myself to be vulnerable, ask for what I want, etc.