For a while now, I have experienced an almost unbearable (or so it seems) unpleasant sensation in my body after going to bed at night. It tends to last until about mid-night, and it’s difficult to explain the experience. It feels more energetic than physical, although it’s certainly there in sensations. It feels icky yucky and a bit stagnant. (I wonder if it has to do with the disgust phase or facet of the dark night, as described in some Buddhist traditions.)
It’s one of those experiences that seem nearly unbearable when I don’t take a closer look at what’s going on. And when I bring attention to the sensations, I see it’s not terribly strong and quite bearable, almost not so unpleasant at all.
It’s something that it’s good to take to inquiry.
Look at the words “icky yucky”. Are they the actual icky yuckiness? (Yes, feels like it.)
Feel that feeling. Notice where it is in the body. Take your time feeling it. Do you see any images? (Yes, of my body feeling this.)
Look at that image. Is that image the icky yuckiness? (No. It’s an image.)
Feel the icky yucky feeling again. Go into the middle of it. Take your time. Do you see any images or words? (I see an image of my face in disgust, and making a disgusted sound.)
Look at that image of your face in disgust. Is that image the icky yuckiness? (No.)
Listen to the sound of disgust. Is that the icky yuckiness? (Yes, it feels like it.)
Feel those sensations. Drop into the middle of it. Allow them to be there. What’s the worst that can happen if you feel it? (I will get absorbed into it. There will be nothing else.)
Is that words or also an image? (Both. There is an image of me absorbed into some icky yucky.)
Look at those words, “I will get absorbed into it. There will be nothing else.” as if they are the two first sentences on a book page. Are those words the icky yuckiness? (No.)
Look at the image. Is that the icky yuckiness? (No.) Is it you, the one absorbed into icky yuckiness? (Yes, it feels like it. There is a feeling in my throat and an image of my face and throat.)
Look at that image. Is that your actual face and throat? (No.) Is it the icky yuckiness? (No.) Is it you, the one who feels the icky yuckiness? (No.)
Feel the feeling in the throat. Do you see an image with it? (Yes, of a lump in the throat.)
Look at that image. Is that an actual lump in your throat? (No.) Is it the icky yuckiness? Is it you, the one who feels the icky yuckiness? (No.)
Feel the feelings in the throat again. Allow it to be as it is. If it could speak, what would it say? (Arrrg!!!)
Listen to that sound. Is that the icky yuckiness? (No.)
Feel the feeling in the throat. Is it the icky yuckiness? (No.)
[Looping back.]
Can you hear the sound of disgust that came up earlier? (Yes.) Listen to it. Is that sound the icky yuckiness? (No.) Is that sound you, the one who feels icky yuckiness? (No.)
Look at the words “icky yucky”. Look at each letter. Look at the space around and between the letters. Are those letters the icky yuckiness? (No.) Are they you, the one who feels icky yuckiness? (No.)
Rest. Allow everything to be as it is. Allow sensations to be here. Sounds to come and go. Images and words to come and go. Notice it’s all noticed.
Can you find the icky yuckiness anywhere? (Yes, in chest/belly and arms.)
Feel that icky yuckiness. Do you see an image? (Yes, of those body parts, with a texture of icky yuckiness.)
Look at that image. Is that image your actual body parts? (No.) Is it the icky yuckiness? (No.)
Feel the icky yuckiness again. Is it still there? (Yes, although less.) Feel it. Allow it to be there. Feel it as if it’s the first time. Is it the icky yuckiness? (No. They are sensations.)
Rest. Allow everything to be as it is. Nowhere to go. Nothing to do.
Where do you find the icky yuckiness now? (Slightly in my throat.)
Feel that in your throat. Notice it’s already there. You didn’t do anything for it to be there. What’s the worst that can happen if it stays there? (I’ll suffocate.)
Look at those words, “I’ll suffocate”. Are those letters you, the one who will suffocate? (Yes, feels like it.)
Feel the sensations. Do you also see an image? (Yes, a movie of me suffocating.)
Look at that movie. See it on a screen. Is that you, the one who suffocates? (No.)
Do you still have the sensations? (Yes.) Feel those sensations. Are those the icky yuckiness? (Yes, I see the words “icky yucky” stuck on an image of a lump in the throat.)
Look at that image and the words “icky yucky” stuck on it. Is that image and the words stuck on it the icky yuckiness? (No.)
Look at the words “I’ll suffocate”. Are those words you, the person who will suffocate? (No.)
Feel the sensations again. Can you feel the raw sensations? (Yes.) Drop into the middle of it. If it could speak, what would it say? (I’ll die.)
Look at those words, “I’ll die”. Are those words you, the one who will die? (Yes.)
What gives you that yes? I see an image of my eyes looking at it, and feel sensations around the eyes.
Look at that image. Is that image your actual eyes? (No.) Is it the one who will die? (No.) Is it the icky yuckiness? (No.)
Feel the sensations around the eyes. Take your time. Are those sensations the one who will die? (No.)
Rest. Allow sensations to be here, sounds to come and go, words and images to come and go. Notice the space it’s all happening within, the space inside your body and outside of your body.
And so on, looking at whatever comes up. I notice that before, the icky yuckiness felt more solid and real, and now I can’t find it very easily. I can feel sensations that previously were labeled that way, but that label doesn’t fit so much anymore, and it doesn’t feel as solid and real.