Loneliness in the dark night

Heartache and loneliness has come up for me, off and on, over the last few years.

My sense is that it’s from early in life, perhaps even infancy or before. I have an image of my mother seeming preoccupied and absent, and longing for love and a deeper connection. I also have an image of before incarnation where it’s been conveyed to me that it’s time to incarnate, not really wanting to, not speaking up for that part of me, and feeling deeply wounded in the incarnation. A deep sense of loss, loneliness, and heartache, of having (apparently) “lost” the heavenly realm, the divine, and God.

Anything in us that’s not met with love, or recognized as love, will surface at some point in the process of reality waking up to itself. Much of it comes up during the dark nights, and perhaps especially the dark night of the soul. (Following illumination.) What’s surfacing are typically emotions and parts of ourselves we are trained to think of as undesirable, or perhaps even signifying that something is wrong. And it’s not surprising that among these are loneliness, heartache and longing.

These may also be triggered by things happening during a dark night of the soul. We may lose friends. (Who are afraid of what they see happening for us, or try to fix and then give up and retreat, or we “push them away” through our own reactiveness to our pain.) We may lose other things too, such as identities, capabilities and health, and even our earlier and apparently solid and easy connection with the divine. If there is fatigue, we may not be drawn or able to socialize as much as before. And our old ways of socializing may not feel as meaningful as they used to.

Whatever is happening, the “solution” is very simple although not always so easy:

Find love for what’s here, and recognize it as love. (Emotional pain, physical pain, grief, loneliness, heartache, hope, fear and more.)

Notice the stories (a) about what’s happening, and (b) triggering it, and explore these with curiosity. (Inquiry.)

Feel sensations as sensations. Inquire into stories about them (labels, what they mean), and other stories associated with them.

Release tension through shaking. (Neurogenic tremors, TRE etc.)

Find support by others who have gone through it, and other like minded people.

Spend time in nature, and doing simple physical activities.

Also, practically, what was my part in the situations that trigger grief, loneliness and heartache?

For instance, with my first girlfriend, we had a deep soul connection and amazing alignment at all levels. I was deeply committed to the relationship, and saw us getting married and having children together. She already had a son, and understandably wanted us to get married as quickly as possible. I was young and wanted to slow it down, and – perhaps more importantly – I felt paralyzed when she gave me an ultimatum, unable to do or say what I really wanted. So it fell apart. Similar things has happened many times in my life, and much of it is because of getting paralyzed at important moments.


– loneliness in the dark night
– (a) in the world
– attention (+ time, energy) goes to “inner work”, digesting, processing, less time for relationships, socializing, career etc.
– old relationship may fall away, new may come in – transition period (even w teachers, may fall away)
– socializing for the sake of socializing may seem less meaningful
– (b) in experience
– old wounds/trauma around abandonment, feeling alone, unsupported etc. may surface (meet w love, curiosity)
– learn to trust (life, oneself), learn to follow own guidance

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