For me to look at

I have been sick in bed for a few days, and it seems that a weakened physical state has brought a lot bubbling to the surface. I see some of the beliefs, or all the velcro, or what’s unloved and unquestioned, that seeks the light, that seeks presence, love, and clarity.

I also find it helpful to ask myself these questions:

What would I rather not look at? What feels most scary to look at? What feels so true it’s not even worth looking at?

I am unloved. I am unlovable.

I made a huge mistake. (Multiple times.) My life would have been better if I….

I need a relationship to be complete, alive, on track. Fears of how it would be without a relationship.

Feeling awkward, an outsider, as a young school age kid. (Elementary and middle school.)

She/he won’t like me. If she knew me, she won’t like me. (It’s better to be on my own. Not risk rejection.)

My parents being scared about the world and people. (And me taking it on.) (Just a general atmosphere, nothing very overt, but I felt it deeply – and took it on – as a little kid.)

A scary world. Going into freeze because of the scariness of the world.

Fear of committing to a course. Fear of being trapped by….. (education, work, relationship). Fear of not being able to change course. Fear of unloved/unquestioned fear preventing me from changing course.

Fear of not being able to support myself. Fear of being alone, destitute. (This came up following some health challenges.)

Childhood trauma:

Feeling unloved. Unlovable. Left in a crib in a dark room, alone, crying. Not knowing if my parents would come.

The world is a scary place. (From my parents?)

Being an outsider. Not included. Feeling awkward socially.

I know that my parents did and do love me deeply, and they cared for me very well. They fed me, clothed me, gave me housing, supported me in school and just about anything I was interested in. And at the same time, they have their own unhealed traumas and wounds, which may be part of why I have my own childhood traumas. I may have had some or all of them anyway, for all I know.

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