Having a profound awakening can be like taking the lid off of a jar. All the karma that has been repressed, all the karma at the bottom of our misery that we aren’t conscious of, comes flying out because there is finally space in which it can emerge.
When it hits you in the face, you wonder where your freedom went and what went wrong. But understand that this is a consequence of the freedom; it is not a mistake.
Everything wants to come up into and be transformed by the freedom. If you let it come up into this aware space, which is love, it will reharmonize. This space that you are is unconditional love. Unconditional means just that: everything is welcome’ nothing is cast away or set apart from it.
– Adyashanti, The Impact of Awakening
That’s certainly been the case for me.
I have written about this before since it may be helpful to someone reading this:
In my case, the initial awakening happened when I was 16, following about one year where I felt that the world retreated into the far distance. (It seems that this was an identification with/as awareness apparently separate from its content.) The opening or awakening itself was of God (Spirit, Consciousness) awakening to itself as all there is, without exceptions.
This led to several years of very strong kundalini energies, and lots of inspiration, insights, creativity and more. After some years, the energies relaxed a bit.
For about 10 years, I was in a honeymoon phase where I felt that I was divinely guided in almost everything I did. (Apart from in intimate relationships where I repeatedly missed out of what I hoped for due to shyness and not acting or speaking on it.)
I got married (a relationship that didn’t feel nearly as right as the ones I missed out on), moved against my very strong guidance, and this was the beginning of a long dark night of the soul. At first, it was more an insistent knowing that I was off track – in terms of following my guidance. After a while, my external life started to go more clearly off track as well.
After some years, I got back into spiritual practice and had a clear nondual awakening for about six months. This was followed by a collapse of my mind and body. (CFS, PTSD etc.) During this phase, it was – and still is – as if the lid has been taken off as Adyashanti describes it. In my case, my external life has reflected this inner process with a good deal of losses and transitions.