Brief notes on healing and awakening and occasional personal things XXII

This is one in a series of posts with brief notes on healing, awakening, and personal things. These are more spontaneous and less comprehensive than the regular articles. Some may be a little rantish. And some may be made into a regular article in time.


Everything we see in the world happens within us.

The world – as it appears to us – happens within and as what we are. We can notice and explore this through, for instance, Headless experiments and the Big Mind process.

The stories we have about it – labels, meaning etc. – happens within our own mental field. We can explore this by noticing what happens within our sense fields and how the mind combines them to create its experience, and we can do this in a more systematic way through, for instance, Living Inquiries.

The stories we have about the world and others equally well apply to ourselves – in the moment and we can find many other specific examples. At a very human level, the world mirror ourselves.

Why is this important? It’s not inherently important but it does seem to be how our world works, and it can be helpful to notice and explore this.

Finding what we are helps release identification with the content of experience – identifications, roles, and thoughts in general – and this can be a great liberation.

Noticing how our mind puts a mental field overlay on our world helps us recognize thoughts for what they are – guesses and questions about the world – and hold them more lightly.

And noticing the world as a mirror for ourselves helps us notice projections and find in ourselves what we see in the world and in others, and this helps us live from a bit more clarity and kindness and less from reactivity.


Some folks in the nondual/adveita world talks about “one taste”.

What does it mean?

I assume it mainly means noticing that all happens within and as what we are. Whatever the experience is – and they are all unique and different, they all happen within and as what we are. In their infinite variety, they share one taste.

How we notice this reflects the awakening process in general. We may have a glimpse. We may notice when we pay attention. We may notice most things in this way but “forget” when some issues are triggered in us, and then notice again when things calm down and we remember.

As the noticing becomes more stable, and as there is a deeper embodiment – AKA we relate to our issues differently and work through more of them – this one taste becomes more and more the water we swim in.


The usual way of thinking that people objectify themselves is when they put body-focused photos of themselves on Instagram etc. And yet, we all do it in a much more basic way.

As soon as we believe a thought, we objectify. We make something into an object in our mind. And in the process, we reduce infinite possibilities down to one or a few.

As soon as we identify as something within our content of experience (typically this human self), we objectify ourselves. We make ourselves into an object in the world. And we do the same with everything else. We perceive and operate from the assumption that the ultimate identity of everything is as an object in the world. (Whether or not that’s our conscious assumption.)

There is nothing wrong with this. It’s natural. It’s part of being human. It’s how life apparently “wants” to experience itself, temporarily and locally, through and as us and this dynamic. And yet, it does come with stress and discomfort, so there is a built-in incentive to see through it and find ourselves as that which all experiences – and the world as it appears to us – happens within and as. That’s the beginning of de-objectify our experiences, whether we typically label it ourselves, others, and the world.

DECEMBER 23, 2020


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DECEMBER 24, 2020


There are a few basic things we humans seek.

We seek happiness, which often means that we are free of serious worries and enjoy our life.

We seek to have a meaningful life. This often has to do with a sense of purpose, fulfillment, and connections.

We seek contentment, to be more at peace with our life as it is.

We seek love. It may seem that we want to be loved, and being loved by others is a part of a good life. But mainly, we seek to love – others and ourselves and our experience as it is. And even more basic than that is to discover that we are love. As what we are – that which our experience and the world as it appears to us happens within and as – we are love, although this can be covered up by beliefs, identifications, wounds, and traumas.

We seek home. Often without knowing it, we seek to find what we are – which is, in a very real sense, our true home. We seek to discover the home that we already are.

DECEMBER 25, 2020


When I explore an emotional issue, I typically (AKA always so far) find fear behind it.

When I go behind the layers of reactivity, anger, grief, or whatever it may be, there is innocence and fear. And when I connect with that fear, there is more space around the issue and it’s easier to not get caught up in the habitual surface expressions of the issue. I see that these are reactions to an unmet, unacknowledged, unexamined, and unloved fear.

Most of the issue and the way it’s expressed is reactivity to the fear. It’s a way to avoid the fear. So connection with the fear and getting to know it often makes a huge difference. It allows for space, vulnerability, receptivity, honesty, and a real examination and meeting of the fear.


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DECEMBER 30, 2020


Just a quick observation: hearing does a lot more than we (hearing people) sometimes notice.

My right ear was blocked when I woke up this morning, and I notice that when my partner kissed me on the right side of my face, the skin felt numb. When she kissed me on the left side of my face, it felt normal. Sensations combine with sounds – as all our senses do – to create a fuller picture. So in my mind, when the sound was removed and only the sensations remained, my skin felt a bit numb.

Some years ago, I walked down an icy path with my earbuds listening to music. I fell which I normally never do, and realized that without the sound of my feet on the ground, I was missing out on vital information that kept me on my feet. I knew I was walking on ice, but I was missing out on the sound of my shoes on the ground which normally gives me feedback about the type of ice I am walking on.


I have taken the Vortex Healing Sensing 2 & 3 classes recently, and notice a marked difference. After Sensing 2, I could sense more clearly the divine as the issue and what allows it to unravel and heal. After Sensing 3, there was more of a connection with the “sister realm”. And, in general, I am sensing more while doing healings.

This morning, I did a healing for myself on a core issue from childhood. (Feeling hurt, heart closing down, protection, fear, and so on.) After doing a few preliminary things (structures, Vortex Therapy, de-networking), I worked more directly on the issue and the contractions in my body connected with it.

I sensed how the energy first worked in my heart area (contractions for protection), then followed a path down to the center of my belly (fears) and worked there, then went to the front of the brain (probably thought patterns supporting and holding in place the issue), then to the nervous system as a whole, and then back to the heart to work deeper on the contraction or block there. I also noticed a layer of anger being released, and then a deep sadness in the heart area.

Why is it helpful to sense where the energy works, and perhaps what it works on? Because it allows the divine to guide the process more easily. I can follow along, notice, and perhaps learn. I am less likely to allow my ideas of what to do next to override the natural process guided by an intelligence far beyond my human. I can stay with what’s happening and support it that way. And when I see where the focus is going and have a sense of what it does, I am far more likely to have trust in the process, and it’s far more enjoyable and interesting.


When an issue is triggered in me, how do I relate to it? And can I do anything to shift it?

When it’s triggered, do I get caught up in it? Do I identify with the story behind it and perceive and live as if it’s true? Do I notice what’s going on? Do I notice the typical signs of being caught in an issue? (Reactivity, defensiveness, bodily contractions, discomfort etc.). Am I able to see it as an issue and an object happening within my experience? Am I able to relate to it more intentionally and not get so caught in it? Do I have tools to shift how I relate to the issue? Do I have tools to help soften or release the issue? Do I use those tools?

When I notice I get caught in an issue, some of the most helpful things in shifting how I relate to it are simple heart-centered practices, for instance, ho’oponopono, tonglen, or metta. I do these practices to the issue and contraction in me, and that helps shift how I relate to it. There is a sense of more space, I can see it more as an object in me, and I can relate to it more consciously.


We can use anything in our life for healing and awakening, including relationships. It doesn’t matter if the other is on a healing or awakening path or not.

At the same time, many of us (all?) long for a partner we can share as many areas of our life with as possible, including our healing and awakening journey.



I had a kind of opposite-end-of-the-life-cycle Near-Death Experience in my early childhood. Up until about school age, I had flashbacks to the time before this incarnation / between lives.

The flashbacks brought me back to being without a body, a sense of oneness (with a sense of being a separate self too), infinite love and wisdom, infinite light, a profound sense of being home, and timelessness (with some vague sense of time). There was also a sense of communication with infinitely wise also disincarnate beings.

What I remember is that these flashbacks typically happened when I was outside and saw the sunlight on the ground filtered through moving leaves.

At the time, I didn’t have any particular thoughts about this, and I don’t think I mention it to anyone. (I wouldn’t have known how to put it into words, and maybe I thought it was something everyone experienced.) It wasn’t until my late teens that I made the connection between this and the more typical near-death experiences.

[Made into regular article]

DECEMBER 7, 2020


When it comes down to it, what most (all?) human beings want is love. Not just to be loved by others, but to love. And not just to love someone else, but to deeply and thoroughly love their own experience. And to deeply and thoroughly love our own experience means to love any sensation, thought, and ourselves and the world as it appears to us.

Many of us are unaware of this. And many of us go about finding this love in haphazard ways. We rely on cultural and other conditioning, and on reactivity and reactions to discomfort. That’s why we often end of not finding the love we seek.

It’s not difficult to find examples of this. Trump is perhaps an especially clear one. I assume he too, deep down, really just wants love. And especially to find genuine love – compassion – for himself and his pain. The way he goes about this, through bluster, bigotry, and scams, doesn’t give him what he really wants, but he doesn’t know any other way, so he continues and doubles his effort. It’s a tragedy in the old Greek sense. It’s a setup and he is unable to escape it, at least for now and probably in this lifetime.

So what do we do? Do we chose the Trump approach of doing more of what doesn’t work? Or do we take the more direct route to find love for our own experience – as it is, and perhaps even find ourselves as love?

We are love. That’s why we seek love. We seek what we already are. We seek home. We seek to allow the uncomfortable separation between what we think we are (which comes from thoughts and identities) and what we really are (oneness, love) to be seen through and fall away.

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JANUARY 8, 2020


When I write “we are love”, what does it mean?

It means that to ourselves, what we are is what all our experiences happen within and as. To ourselves, we are oneness. And another word for oneness is love.

This is not a love that’s dependent on a feeling. It’s the love of the left hand removing a splinter from the right. It’s an expression of oneness recognizing itself. Of different part of the same body working together. (Even if the other parts may not realize they are part of the same body.)


A few days ago, I worked on a deep fear behind some layers of sadness and anger. (The sadness and anger was a reaction to the unmet fear.)

When I woke up the following day, I noticed that my kidneys felt energetically cold and a bit dry. The kidney area was also physically cold even if there was no conventional reason for it.

I have noticed this several times when I work on fear.

And it also fits traditional Chinese medicine that associates kidneys with fear. How did they discover it? Probably a similar way to how I discovered the connection. I notice a repeating pattern of working on deep fear and then noticing my kidneys feeling colder and dryer the following morning.

JANUARY 11, 2021


This is one of the questions we may have if we mainly have heard others tell stories about the divine and spirituality.

In reality, it’s simpler. Yes, all is already the divine. Nothing is inherently wrong or missing.

At the same time, the divine may be used to identifying as this local and temporary manifestation of the divine (this human self). And here, it makes sense to explore our connection with the divine – if that’s what we are drawn to. We may first explore it as a third and second person relationship, and then discover first and zero person relationships, and recognize all of them here and shift more fluidly between them.

That’s part of the divine too. That process is also the divine. It happens within and as the divine.

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JANUARY 12, 2020


In Zen, they sometimes talk about the backward step.

I assume it usually refers to finding ourselves as Big Mind. To take the “backward step” from being identified as something within our content of experience, to notice we are that which all our experience happens within and as.

There is another form of backward step I find helpful. And that’s the backward step from being caught up in reactivity to noticing and getting to know the fear behind it.

Any time I notice reactivity in myself – whether it takes the form of defensiveness, protection, anger, sadness, compulsion, or something else – I can find behind it. The reactiveness is a reaction to unmet, unfelt, unloved, and unexamined fear.

When I connect with the fear, the foundation for the reactiveness tends to fall away.

And this allows some space to notice and examine the beliefs and underlying assumptions creating the fear and the reactivity to it in the first place.

There are many types of similar backward steps. We can go from fueling a belief to notice and question it. From reacting to a fear to befriending it. From being caught up in pretending to be something within our content of experience to notice we are what all our experience happens within and as. And so on.

JANUARY 13, 2020


Within existence, there are innumerable possible perspectives. When life shifts into one of these, it’s activated and it becomes one way existence experiences, expresses, and explores itself.

For us, this all happens within and as what we are. It happens within and as this oneness.

We can shift into any aspect of who we are (subpersonalities), we can shift into an imagined view of anyone or anything, and we can shift into any aspect of what we are (that which our experience happens within and as).

I have noticed that spiritual teachers who tend to shift into and speak from – or as – aspects of what we are tend to get a lot of attention. I assume it’s because it seems a bit exotic and more removed from what most are familiar. And I also know it can be helpful. At the same time, if someone is habitually “stuck” in aspects of what they are, they leave out at least half of existence and they leave out the immense juiciness of the interplay of who and what we are.


I imagine most of us have some slight discomfort most of the time, and it’s especially noticeable if we are quiet in a quiet space. Any form of meditation practice will help us notice it.

This discomfort can be gold if we have the interest and skill in exploring it. What creates the discomfort? How do we respond to the discomfort? Is there where (sometimes slight) addictions and avoidance behavior comes in?

What do I find when I explore…. how my mind creates this experience of discomfort? Any issue creating it? How I respond to it?

For me, inquiry is a very good way to do this discomfort-exploration, either Living Inquiries (sense fields) or The Work of Byron Katie (beliefs).

Another is Vortex Healing, using my current tools (Vortex Therapy, Merlin’s Grace, de-networking, MHG, Issue Transformation Room, Transform Fear Room etc.) to explore the issue behind the discomfort – and separately how I habitually respond to it.

JANUARY 14, 2020


Some of us use perfectionism to feel more safe. And if that’s the case, it will likely also color how we approach healing and awakening.

I notice that in myself. Somewhere in me, I don’t feel I can rest until all the major issues in me – at least the ones I am aware of or reasonably can be aware of – are met, explored, befriended, and ideally mostly healed.

It’s the same with awakening. Some place in me is unable to rest until the healing is more clear and until more parts of me have joined in with the awakening.

And both are endless processes. There is always more.

Perfectionism isn’t bad or wrong. It can be a good driver. At the same time, it’s uncomfortable. It means there is always something we run from. And it means there is something in us – the part that uses perfectionism to try to feel safe – that’s not yet healed and hasn’t yet joined in with the awakening.

So at some point, why not look at this? Why not look at the perfectionism. What’s inside of it? Fear? Stories that I will be loved and accepted and perhaps safe if I do my best to be perfect? That my parents will love me? That life and God will love me if I do my best to be perfect?

How would it be without this story? How is it to take in that I am lovable and loved anyway? How is it to love myself as I am, in all the perfect imperfection?


I rarely write “follow your body” or “follow your intuition”.

Why? Is it because I don’t find it useful?

Not at all. I find it very useful for myself.

But I also know that for many of us, at least in some situations, it may be difficult to differentiate between conditioning, habits, trauma, and beliefs on the one hand and genuine intuition or inner knowing on the other.

It typically takes time to learn to differentiate the two, and in some situations I imagine it can be difficult for all of us.

And when I connect with my inner knowing or intuition for guidance, I hold it lightly. I know how one or the other typically feels. And yet, I am open for mistaken one for the other, or that I misinterpret the intuition or inner knowing.


I saw a behind-the-scenes documentary on YouTube about the Queen’s Gambit. In it, one of the creators said the series is about “the cost of genius”.

In some ways, genius can have a cost. If you chose to develop it, you will have to choose away other things, and so on. There is a cost, but in most cases, it’s more than worth it.

If he referred to the personal troubles of the main character in Queen’s Gambit, then it doesn’t make so much sense. In real life, many people have great skill and talent in certain areas and live normally balanced and content lives. In Queen’s Gambit, she is likely troubled from being orphaned and being raised in an orphanage.

In general, the “troubled genius” is one of those unfortunate myths that probably comes from the Romantic era of European history and most know is not true.


A friend posted in social media: What’s the purpose of being human?

I didn’t bother to answer since I know that he has a particular answer in mind. (To grow, evolve, etc.)

For me, this has many facets.

The idea of purpose is a human idea. As far as we can tell, it only exists in the human mind. It’s a mental overlay on my experience of the world. It’s a fantasy.

To the extent I have examined this, the idea of purpose is something I can hold lightly.

I don’t need to try to find “the” purpose or any purpose inherent in reality because there is likely none. Even if there were, I likely can’t know what it is. It’s likely something I, with this human mind, can’t grasp. And even if I could, I can’t know anything about it for certain.

So I can examine the idea of purpose. What in me feels a need for purpose –to know what it is or have a sense of it in my own life? What’s the worst that can happen if I don’t have it? What happens when I inquire into how my mind creates its experience of purpose or lack of purpose and what will happen if I don’t have it? (Living Inquiries.) What do I find if I inquire into stressful beliefs around this? (The Work.) What does this part of me tell me? What does it want from me? (Dialog.) What happens if I meet this part of me with kindness and love?

Another angle to this, which is perhaps slightly more superficial, is that the “purpose” of a rock is to be a rock. The “purpose” of anything is to be what it is. The purpose of a human is to be a human. The purpose of anything is what is.

And yet another angle is lila. The purpose of existence is to express, explore, and experience itself in always new ways – as what’s here now.

Finally, even in the context of all of this, I can find my own purpose. It can be one or many. It’s always temporary and up for revision.


Someone asked how to work with strong emotions using Vortex Healing.

Short term, there are a few different strategies. In Vortex Healing, we have MHG, Angelic Heart, Vortex Therapy, and similar tools.

Longer-term, it’s important to work on the emotional issue(s) behind the strong emotions, which may go back to trauma and possibly developmental trauma.

It’s also important to work on how the person relates to the strong emotions – what orientations, beliefs, identities, and emotional issues are there? Are they scared by certain sensations and emotions? What scary beliefs do they have about it? What identities do the strong emotions rub up against?

The short term approaches can help the person in the moment. Looking at the issue(s) behind the emotions can take some of the charge out of it longer term. And looking at how the person relates to the strong emotions – and working on any issues behind it – can help the person reorient and befriend these strong emotions and possibly uncomfortable experiences in general.

If I worked with a client on this topic, and they were committed to working on it, I would use a combination of Vortex Healing, conversation, and some other approaches to help them shift how they relate to the strong emotions – like ho’o, tonglen, and metta.


I wouldn’t be surprised if there is a connection between conspiracy theories, compulsions, and trauma. Conspiracy theories often take the form of a compulsion, and compulsions and addictions are often a response to trauma.

We experience the discomfort of trauma, whether it’s a nagging lower grade discomfort or a more full blown discomfort (anxiety, anger, distress etc.).

We seek strategies to deal with this discomfort, and these often become compulsive. Sometimes, the strategies involve denial or frozenness. Sometimes, blame, bigotry, and anger. Sometimes, food, sex, or drugs. Sometimes, ideas like conspiracy theories. And sometimes, the strategy is admitting to the trauma and seeking healing.

Conspiracy theories like QAnon can be an apparently good distraction from our discomfort. We can spend hours reading about it, and there is always more to find. We can create a lot of drama around it – being upset, getting into arguments, and so on. It can be exciting to find more clues and information and see what will happen. And so on.

JANUARY 17, 2020


If we are exploring our own emotional issues – with whatever tools we have available and are drawn to – how do we chose which issues to work on?

I have two general guidelines for myself.

One is to work on whatever is up in my life now. I am bothered by something? Annoyed? Sad? Angry? Anxious? Then work on that. Often, these daily life surface issues lead back to more central and old issues.

Another is my relationship with my parents, now and at any time in my life. I can work on any issues coming up now, and I can also go back the timeline and work on whatever issues were there in the past (chances are, there is still something there to work on).

When we are little, our parents is – more or less – our whole world, and we are formed within that environment. So it makes sense to work on any issues we have with our parents. Chances are, most or all of the issues we have go back to those older and more central issues.


I sometimes use the pendulum to rate the fit or how helpful something will be. (It’s a way to connect with my inner knowing, And I just use my fingers, not an actual pendulum anymore.)

If I get an unclear or neutral answer – or a five out of ten if I use a scale – it often means my question is not clear enough. For instance, I just now asked about a therapist/healer that was recommended to me, and when I initially asked in general how good a fit he is for me, I got a neutral five. When I then specified my question and asked how much he could help my physical health, I got an eight.

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