Brief notes on healing and awakening and occasional personal things – vol. 47

This is one in a series of posts with brief notes on healing, awakening, and personal things. These are more spontaneous and less comprehensive than the regular articles. Some may be made into a regular article in time.


When we first saw Finca Milagros (then Santa Lucia), we were both stunned by the magic and beauty of the place, and we felt deeply that this land wanted us here to protect and support it. It was as if the divine and the nature spirit(s) of this land clearly communicated with us. I have not had that experience anywhere else before or since.

I felt strongly that we were meant to be here, but it seemed impossible to buy the land for a few different reasons. It seemed too big for us and it had no car access. We were able to find more financial help, and we were able to buy access with the help of a friend. All of it seemed like a miracle.

I have never experienced this particular connection with a land before, and I experience it all the time when I am here.

This morning, I sprinkled water on the land around the house to energetically clear the ground. (We channel into the water, and then sprinkle it.) This too felt like a clear guidance from the divine and the nature spirit(s) here, and when I walked around with the water, I was guided as to where to sprinkle and if some areas needed more. It feels like the divine and the nature spirit(s) here wanted me to do it so they could do their work through the water. My wife senses the same.

I also communicate with the nature spirit(s) here. I tell it our intention and plans. I ask for support and guidance. And there is a clear sense of two-way communication.

I know all of this can seem a bit weird, especially in our culture, and perhaps also for a well-educated science-oriented guy like me. For me, it’s so clear that I cannot ignore it.

Also, it fits with a more general sensing and communication. I can sense, to some extent, what’s going on in the system of others at a distance, and when I check, it’s accurate. I can see energies around people, animals, plants, and inanimate objects. I can see the level of awakening in someone’s system. I can invite in healing at a distance, and it often works well. And so on. Communicating with nature spirits is just a part of this general experience.

Why do I write nature spirit(s)? It’s because I sense the spirit of this land as one and many. It’s both at the same time, and it’s connected to the spirit of the larger region and of this living planet as a whole. It’s also an expression of the divine as anything else.

This is one of the things I don’t talk much about unless I meet someone else who also lives it.


It’s not uncommon for something to start as a mental understanding or a glimpse or taste, and then become more visceral as we get more familiar with it.

So also with our nature recognizing itself. Sometimes, it takes time. It takes time for it to explore itself and especially to explore how to have this human self live from and as it.

For instance, my world is happening within and as what I am. My world is created by my mind. It’s processing and interpreting everything and creating a more-or-less coherent world out of it. That’s a view aligned with mainstream psychology and neuroscience. (And common sense.)

In a more phenomenological sense, I can say that to myself, I am consciousness and the world to me happens within and as consciousness. It’s happening within the consciousness I am. The consciousness I am forms itself into any and all experience, into the world as it appears to me. In a very real way, it is me.

We can get this in different ways. We can get the idea of it, through mental representations. We can notice it when we look and things are not too triggered in us. And we can get it more viscerally and in more areas of life and daily life situations, even when something is triggered in us. There is a deepening here over time and with noticing and experience.

Also, at times, our system can shift into a state where this is strongly in the foreground and everything else is in the background, which helps us recognize it and become familiar with it. When these states fade, we may need to work more intentionally to notice and live from it, and deepen into it.

In this example, the noticing doesn’t necessarily change the experience itself. It changes the context of the experience. That can change how our human self relates to it, and the more viscerally we get it at a human level, the more it influences how our human self responds and relates.

NOVEMBER 17, 2023


I was on a Zoom call with people connected with the old Kanzeon Sangha in Salt Lake City.

One of them said what I have noticed as well. Of course, I learned from the formal teachers, but I learned as much from the regular students. I learned as much if not more from the Sangha.

NOVEMBER 22, 2023


A few days ago, I mentioned to my wife that Luna, my cat in Oregon, used to rub up against me after I gave her food as if to thank me before starting to eat. I also mentioned that Merlina, our cat here, doesn’t do that, and I think I playfully said something to Merlina about that.

This morning, after giving Merlina food, she rubbed up against me before eating, for the first time.

It’s a kind of synchronicity, I guess. A meaningful coincidence. I also suspect that Merlina may have picked up on something and responded. She seems to do that quite a lot.


In Buddhism, they talk about the middle way. What does it point to?

I am not a Buddhist scholar so I can only say what comes up for me.

To me, it’s what happens when I recognize stories as stories. I hold them more lightly. I use them as pointers. I can find the validity in each of them, and the type of limited validity each has.

It doesn’t mean finding something in the middle. It means to embrace it all, including all the polarities and the poles in each polarity.

NOVEMBER 23, 2023


In the mid-2000s, I got into diksha in parallel with a deepening in meditation.

A lot of things happened that were unusual in a conventional sense and perhaps more understandable in an awakening process.

I have seen energies since my mid-teens, in and around living beings and objects. I have especially seen the level or degree of awakening in someone’s system.

Following some diksha transmissions, this got stronger to the point where I could relatively easily see the energy of beings and objects in the dark. I could walk through a forest on a cloudless dark night by seeing the energy of the vegetation on either side of the path. I could navigate in a pitch-dark room in the same way, although not quite as easily since living things light up more.

It was interesting but not that interesting since seeing energies was not new to me, so I didn’t pursue it much beyond this.


How do I visualize awakening?

It’s an absurd question, in a way, since any imagination falls short as it always does for anything.

And yet, we inevitably visualize something and it’s good to notice.

For me, the visualization is an opening up downwards and in all directions. It’s a falling away. It’s an opening up to the awake space that’s here and has no boundary in any direction.

It’s a falling away revealing the ground of awake space that’s always here.

NOVEMBER 26, 2023


People who are on an awakening path seem to be more progressive and liberal.

Why is that?

I imagine there may be many reasons.

One answer is likely selection bias. I tend to know people like me. I know the US West Coast folks into awakening, and they tend to be more progressive and liberal because of their culture. Similarly, I tend to know people who are not so tied to any one spiritual tradition, and I imagine that types of folks may generally be more progressive and liberal. If I lived in another culture, and if I belonged to a spiritual tradition, my impression may be different.

The ones on an awakening path who have a more conservative outlook may feel like outsiders and not speak up so much, at least in the West. There may be more than I imagine.

It may also be something inherent in the awakening path. It tends to open our minds and hearts. We seek to understand others, to put ourselves in their situation, and so on. We tend to include more in the “circle of us”, perhaps all beings and all of existence. And that tends to fit a more progressive and liberal orientation. (Of course, all of those assumptions reflect my own bias.)

I imagine the reality is that throughout history and across cultures, there may be about as many liberals and conservatives on an awakening path. Being on an awakening path doesn’t necessarily change our general orientation to society and politics. Whether we are more one or the other tends to reflect our culture, genetics, and personal experiences, and it’s more likely that our view on society and politics stay generally liberal or conservative, and perhaps change flavor and color a bit.

Another question is: Are more people awakening now than before?

If we have that impression, that may also be because of biases. I imagine that the vast majority of people throughout history who were on an awakening path are unknown to us today. We only know the few who became more public and whose stories were passed on to us.

I assume there are no more on an awakening path now than before. I don’t have any reason to assume there are. It may look that way, but that’s easily explained by survivor bias.


I am doing the daily all-inclusive gratitude practice with a friend these days.

Here is my list for today. It’s always different, of course, usually with a mix of things my personality likes and doesn’t like. This one is more about what my personality doesn’t like.

I am grateful for noticing that my memory was selective last night (I had forgotten several things that were more challenging for me earlier in the day) 

I am grateful for a neighbor playing loud music the whole day 

I am grateful for having distress come up in me because of it

I am grateful for retreating into earbuds and music to block it out 

I am grateful for my browser being slow and not typing out the letters until 10-20 seconds after I write

I am grateful for feeling out of it today and not knowing why

I am grateful for having survival fear come up regularly

I am grateful for remembering the croissants in the freezer and warming and eating them just now 

I am grateful for the mix of things in life my personality likes and doesn’t like

I am grateful for being able to rest most of the day

I am grateful for seeing how my personality sometimes goes into arrogance to feel safe

I am grateful for seeing how that arrogance takes the form of both dismissing and elevating myself

I am grateful for seeing that I likely write on my blog to feel better about myself and my life

I am grateful to see that the writing helps me feel I understand and helps me feel I have some control 

I am grateful to see that it’s not true

NOVEMBER 27, 2023


One of the things I find mostly silly and occasionally slightly interesting is the deserted island question. What would you bring with you to a deserted island?

In terms of music and books, I would definitely bring Arvo Pärt and Adyashanti. That’s where I find the most richness.

As for what to eat and drink, clean water and lots of vegetables and greens.


If we have an issue of feeling less than, our psyche can take something to make itself feel better. It can use something to feel better-than to compensate for feeling less.

That also happens in an awakening process. Our psyche can take aspects of the awakening process and use it to feel better about itself.

That’s normal and understandable, and good to notice.

In the more extreme cases, our psyche can go into ideas of being a kind of world savior, a chosen one, and so on.

Those ideas are accurate, in a certain sense. We save our own world. am the chosen one in my own life. It’s a matter of seeing how they are accurate.


In my teens, I remember hearing an interview with a psychologist who talked about superstitious compulsions and how most of us experience them now and then.

I decided to go against them if I ever noticed any impulse in me for superstitious compulsions. It seems better to take the bull by the horns. In the following years, I did notice some impulses now and then, especially in situations that seemed important and uncertain to me. (These superstitions are a way to feel we have control when we don’t really.) And I did act contrary to what the thought in me says I should do. (I decided that if I was going to have a superstitious compulsion, it would be to do the opposite of what any thought in me said I should do!) For me, this seems to have been a relatively effective way to not fuel them.

This reminds me of something else I have done a few times. If I notice an addictive tendency for certain foods, and it’s an addictive tendency I would rather not have, I have intentionally indulged in that food until I felt sick and didn’t want it anymore. Once is enough. I did that with some delicious giant chocolate plates in Norway, and it’s been freeing to not be attracted to that food very much anymore.

Of course, this has likely worked because the compulsions and impulses were not terribly strong.

NOVEMBER 30, 2023


Since my teens, one of my explorations and practices has been to give it all over to the divine.

This whole system, anything to do with this human self, anything to do with this life, any emotional issues and hangups, any sense of being an I or observer or doer. I give it all over to the divine.

And really, it’s just noticing that it’s all already the divine. It’s all the local expressions of the divine. This world is the divine. What I give up is anything in my system that’s not aligned with that.

DECEMBER 2, 2023


Someone in an energy healing (Vortex Healing) group on social media asked a question about distance healing.

One of the replies said (paraphrased): “It’s all about coregulation. It’s about how you are when you do the healing. You do the healing with your system, so you need to be healed, grounded, and so on.”

For me, it’s quite different. It’s the divine doing the healing. The divine is, at most, using my system as a channel. The divine is doing the healing over there, invited by my intention.

It’s not uncommon – for me and others – to feel off and maybe sick, and the healing still seems to be powerful and the recipient has a very different experience. How I personally feel when I do healing seems to have little to no effect on the healing or how the recipient experiences it.


I am in a situation with my birth family now where I get to see some old patterns playing themselves out.

The main one is around the house of my parents. The municipality made a huge mistake some years ago that significantly diminished the value of the property. (They put large sewage lines – 10 meters across – through the garden when they should have been at the edge of the property. This was in breach of a written contract, and it means it’s impossible to build anything there.)

When this happened, I presented the case to a lawyer who said we have a strong case and can expect solid compensation. My father denied that anything had happened to reduce the value of the property, and was not willing to have a conversation about it, so I couldn’t take it further.

(We had financing and architectural drawings made up for an additional house on the property, and that was no longer possible. My father admitted it was no longer possible, but also kept insisting that the value of the property was not reduced.)

Now that the house is in the process of being sold, this is coming up again. The value of the property is significantly diminished. It’s not possible to build additional houses there. And developers don’t seem interested for that reason. That’s exactly what I said and predicted those years ago, and why I wanted to have a lawyer look at it to get compensation.

I am again in conversation with a lawyer about this. We still have a strong case, although there is a chance the case may be too old. (Although also possibly not since my father clearly didn’t understand the situation back then.)

Just like the first time, there is no risk or cost to my parents. I am happy to pay the lawyer. I will do whatever is necessary with the lawyer. (Mostly just give him the documents and the OK to go ahead.) This process will not interfere with the sale of the house. There is everything to win and very little to lose. Again, my father is rejecting the possibility, and my brother is strongly supporting him.

They keep repeating a series of arguments that are factually wrong1. They seem more invested in their fantasies than in reality and refuse to accept what the law and lawyers clearly state.

This is a repetition of two family patterns I have experienced my whole life.

They automatically reject what I propose. (I feel not seen, not understood, rejected.) And they seem more invested in fantasies than reality – a reality that easily can be checked.

This brings up wounds in me around this. I feel hurt. Not seen or understood. (I am doing it to correct a wrong.) Hopeless since they refuse to have any dialog about it. I feel like an outsider since they take a strong stance against me.

Update: My partner says my brother told her they don’t believe or trust me because I got into psychology and spirituality, and people who get into those things are weird and unreliable. Behind that is likely that I several times, since my early childhood, have spoken up about family dynamics that any outsider can see, and they strongly deny. It’s easier for them to think that they cannot trust what I say. I find it ironic since there is no lack of examples of what I have said through the years and decades that have turned out to be accurate, and they were wrong. In the ’80s, I talked about the necessity of taking climate change seriously. (My brother is still denying that it exists, he thinks it’s natural variations.) When they proposed a national park where our family cabin is, my brother was convinced it would mean that the roads would no longer be maintained, that we couldn’t use the cabin as in the past, wouldn’t be able to sell the cabin, and so on. I saw that as close to paranoid delusion (didn’t say that) since no national park in Norway ever has had those consequences. Again, my view turned out to be accurate. When the municipality made the big mistake, I said it would seriously diminish the value of the property and make it more difficult to sell. My father and brother denied it and still deny it, even if we now have evidence that it is so.

(1) (a) They say it will take too long. I don’t understand what that has to do with anything. It won’t interfere with any other process. (b) They say that “it’s completely obvious that we can’t sell the house if we are in such a process”, while the law and lawyer – and frankly common sense – says that it won’t interfere at all. This is about something that happened when my parents owned the property. They were the ones experiencing the loss and they are the ones who deserve compensation. Whether it’s sold or not has no significance one way or another. (c) They say it will go to a court with a judge and having to stand witness. That’s also not true. The first several steps are all about paperwork back and forth between the lawyer and the lawyer for the municipality, which will go over a few months and possibly years. If the municipality sees that they have a weak case, they will seek settlement long before it gets to that. It’s not in their interest to let it go to court. Even if it did, nobody would need to stand witness, it’s all done through paperwork. Very likely, it would not go that far for several reasons, and we can stop it any time before if we want.

DECEMBER 5, 2023


I love The Work of Byron Katie and did it daily for many years. I also love her business model.

She gives everything away for free. She makes it all available for free to anyone, in many languages. Nothing is hidden. Nothing is held back, apart from what has to be learned through experience and a more focused training.

At the same time, people do her workshops and retreats, they do her training, they buy her books. She is making a good deal of money that way.

For me, that’s a perfect business model. All the essential information and guidance is available for free. And she is making a good deal of money from people who want to go deeper and learn what can only be learned through experience and gritty work under guidance.

[Made into a regular article]


From as far back as I can remember, I have disliked noise and loud sounds and music.

I thought there was something wrong with me, that I somehow “should” enjoy it.

Then I realized that this is something I have in common with just about all living beings, except some humans. I suspect humans use noise and loud sounds and music to drown out the inner noise, and maybe that’s not the whole picture, I am not sure.

At the very least, I am happy to be the same as most living beings. We don’t like noise.


I sometimes use the word “awakening” in a title and then don’t mention it in the body of the text.

Why? It’s because I prefer to use a more simple and hopefully universal language.

I use these kinds of words sometimes in the title, in case a search engine will decide to present the article to someone searching for the word. And then I often don’t mention it again.

DECEMBER 8, 2023


Here at Finca Milagros, we have a lot of ants.

It’s wonderful. There are many different species of different sizes, from big to tiny, and they are a very important part of this ecosystem. They clean up dead and dying insects and other animals, and they clean up dead and dying plant parts. They bring nutrients into the soil. They are essential both for clean-up and for soil health, which is vital for the whole ecosystem.

When we first moved in here, we had ants in the house. They loved to clean up every little crumb or tiny piece of food they could find. We aimed to keep everything clean and put all food away in sealed containers, but they still found enough to stay interested. (To take a couple of recent exaples, a bar of lotion wrapped in paper, or a caramel in the wallet in my mochilla I forgot was there.)

This lasted until I communicated with them. I tuned into them. I told them they had plenty of food outside the house, and that whole area is completely available to them. Our area is inside the house, and they need to stay out. If not, it would not be good for them. We can easily and happily co-exist if we only have that agreement.

Almost immediately, they vanished from inside the house and they stayed outside.

We were away for several months and someone else stayed in the house. When we came back the house was overrun with ants, far worse than it had ever been. Again, we did the common-sense things. We kept everything clean. We sprayed with citronella. And it didn’t work that well.

Yesterday, I sat down to communicate with them again. I proposed the same deal as before, and I could sense it was sinking in. Today, we have hardly seen any ants inside the house. We’ll see how it goes.

I should mention that we had some problems in the beginning with ants eating what we planted outside. Apparently, they like new and weak plants. As soon as these plants got stronger, we didn’t have any problems anymore.

[Made into a regular article]


Why do I love science fiction?

There are several answers.

I love stories in general – whether written, movies, or told in person. If it’s a good story, the genre and label doesn’t matter.

I loved sci-fi as a kid. I loved reading Jules Verne, Ray Bradbury, and a range of other authors.

I love visions of the future. I love exploring possible futures.

I love space. I love the cosmic. I love the feeling of being at home in the cosmos.

I love how science fiction is used to explore humanity and our own society. How it is used to switch up contexts and perspectives, to reverse roles and positions, to highlight dynamics in our history and society, to explore alternatives. At its best, it helps us se ourselves in new and different ways.


“The art of meditation is a way of getting into touch with reality, and the reason for it is that most civilized people are out of touch with reality because they confuse the world as it with the world as they think about it and talk about it and describe it. For on the one hand there is the real world and on the other there is a whole system of symbols about that world which we have in our minds. These are very very useful symbols, all civilization depends on them, but like all good things they have their disadvantages, and the principle disadvantage of symbols is that we confuse them with reality, just as we confuse money with actual wealth.” – Alan Watts


A pattern in my life is to feel that others don’t lisen to me, at least in some situations.

Right now, it’s coming up in relation to my birth family in Norway. (The municipality breached a contract and made a mistake with my parents house which significantly reduced its value. I want to hire a lawyer to take the first step to see if they can get the compensation they clearly should have. My family dismiss my suggestion even if it has no risk and a small cost. I don’t feel heard or understood since they use arguments that are not anchored in reality, and ignore what I tell them about the process which is directly from lawyers specializing in these cases.)

That others don’t listen to me leads to a more fundamental question.

How do I not listen to myself? How would it be for me to listen to myself? To take myself seriously?

I can see many situations in my life where I didn’t take myself seriously and didn’t listen to myself. I ignored what was important to me. I sacrificed myself so someone else could get what they wanted. I haven’t followed up on what’s important to me. (I abandoned a long list of what was deeply important to me when I got married the first time and moved so she could do a graduate degree, and I am still lving with the consequences. My life got profoundly off track in a conventional sense. I have also repeatedly abandoned my talents, opportunities, and even successful careers.)

DECEMBER 9, 2023


I used to watch Mr. Monk when it was on, and just watched the first ten minutes of the new Mr. Monk movie (Mr. Monk’s last case).

So far, I feel they missed an opportunity.

They portray Monk as they did fifteen years back, and as somene whose issues (OCD, germophobia etc.) got worse during the pandemic. It seems predictable and familiar. (Which is probably why they did it, they didn’t want to mix things up too much.)

To me, it would have been more interesting to show the reverse. To show how Mr. Monk finally came into his element with the pandemic. Others became like him. He was not the odd one anymore, he was not the outsider. He knew that world. He was like a fish in water with the pandemic. He gained confidence.

It would still play into the familiar OCD theme but do so in a new and different way.

Why do I see it this way? Probably because something similar happened with me. Others became more like me during the pandemic. They stayed more at home. They spent more time outside. They walked in the forest. Just like me, with CFS.

DECEMBER 16, 2023


Everything I do is selfish.

Even if it looks altruistic, it’s selfish. I do it for myself. I do it because it feels right and satisfying to me.

And that’s beautiful.

When I see this, there is nothing to protect, no identity to uphold when it comes to being selfless or selfish. (Unless I make this into an identity or use it to justify unkind behavior.)

I want to make this land into a nature preserve because I love nature and it feels deeply right. It feels good to me to imagine all the creatures that will live out their lives on this land. It feels good to protect this land for them.

I am giving presents to families that don’t have much this Christmas. That too makes me feel happy. It feels right. I would much rather do that than buy presents for people in my life who already have enough.

When I do tonglen or ho’oponopono, I do it for myself. I do it for the effects it has on me. I do it because it feels more comfortable than the alternative, which is to hold onto resentments and a sense of separation.

Here, I see that the divisions of selfless or selfish don’t make so much sense anymore. In this case, by seeing how what looks altruistic is (also) selfish, there is a release of holding onto one or the other.


In the US, I see some people talking about being “strong”. I understand it’s meant to compliment or encourage, and it’s also a bit old-fashioned. (Or, at least, from a certain sub-culture.)

For me, it makes more sense to talk about resilience. Or maybe just inner and outer support. And sometimes, it’s just surviving.

Also for me, the word “strong” in this context feels like it belongs to a power-over mindset. My associations go to pretending or pushing things aside.

It makes more sense to allow it all, any and all experiences and emotions. To find inner and outer support.

Of course, I am sure many who use the word “strong” also have that approach, so it’s not black or white.


The main tabloid newspaper in Norway is like most tabloids.

They use war headlines for actual wars and dramatic collective events, and they use war headlines for an influencer who talked about a pimple on her nose. In terms of how they present the news, they equate serious events and issues with peripheral and irrelevant ones.

Someone in my life does something similar. If something serious is happening, or if an ant is crawling up the leg, the response is about the same.

To me, this is a reminder of the importance of putting things in perspective.

How important is this really? How much of my life will it impact and for how long? How easy its it to fix or work around it? How important will it seem in one day, or one year, or ten years?

DECEMBER 29, 2023


With most in life, how well we do is a combination of hunger (interest, passion, willingness) on one side and experience and skills on the other.

I am watching some of the world championships in rapid and blitz chess, and it’s clear that it’s the younger players who do best – the ones in their twenties and thirties. They may not have the most experience, but they do have hunger, and that makes up for it.

When I did art in my teens and twenties, I had a lot of hunger and I did very well. (At least in drawing.) I didn’t have as much experience as many, but I did have the passion and hunger. I worked on it diligently, systematically, and with passion for many hours each day.

The same goes for just about anything in life, from professions to relationships, awakening, resolving addictions and trauma, and much more.


I saw a video on what may be the first known sculpture portrait of a specific person, likely a female shaman with a disability. The commentator mentioned that it’s not uncommon for shamans to have a disability.

I don’t know about that, but I do know about the wounded healer archetype. We learn to be a better healer through exploring our own wounds. We use our own healing and life as a laboratory. We share our findings with others. We get familiar with landscapes and can guide others through their own similar landscapes.

In my case, my disability has invited me to go a bit deeper. It has invited me to examine and question common assumptions in my culture and find what’s more genuinely true for me. It has invited me to go beyond norms and expectations and find what’s more true and works better for me.

JANUARY 6, 2024


I am grateful for life bringing me into something very human and out of spiritual ideals and fantasies and what I can do when I feel better 

This was one of the items I wrote for my all-inclusive gratitude list today.

It’s true. I am not feeling very well these days, likely due to a CFS-related crash about three weeks ago. I haven’t been able to recover, and I keep having mini-crashes. My body feels uncomfortalbe. My energy system disorganized. It’s bringing up underlying anxiety and other emotions. I don’t always deal with it gracefully. I don’t sleep very well. I am unable to function very well in daily life. I can’t think very clearly. I can’t do most of the things on my (simple) to-do list. And so on.

Life is bringing me back into something very human. A part of me doesn’t like it at all and would like to just continue as I do when I feel a little better and have more resources. A part of me is genuinely grateful for it.

JANUARY 8, 2024


I had a CFS crash three weeks ago, and I am still recovering from it.

It seems clear that less energy, and a more disorganized system, open the door for all sorts of things, especially anxiety.

That’s how CFS is for me in general. The less energy, the more of what’s otherwise set aside comes to the surface. There is a blessing there since it’s good to bring it all into the light. And it’s also challenging.

JANUARY 13, 2024


I notice a part of me feels ashamed of it, but I have asked psychics for input at a crossroads in my life.

I have also noticed a pattern. They seem to pick up on my dreams and wishes rather than reality. They typically give me a rosy picture and say it looks very good, and the reality becomes something different.

Often, it does start very well and looks like a dream come through for me, and then it quickly falls apart. Or it falls apart before it even starts. It looks like everything should work out, and it doesn’t.

That’s a pattern in my life in general. It’s what has happened over and over in the different areas of my life. It’s happening again now with the land in the Andes mountains. It looks like a dream come through in an amazing way, and several things are now happening so it looks like it will fall apart.

To be fair, this seems to be more about me than psychics. It’s not only psychics who thought something very good was starting for me and it looked promising, solid, and stable, and then it fell apart in some amazing way.

JANUARY 15, 2024


I have a training (University of Oregon) and background in architecture, although I don’t write about it much here.

I didn’t design the first building at Finca Milagros, unfortunately, since it turned out to be a bit of a disaster. But I did come up with general idea of building that’s being built now, and I am designing two or three smaller buildings that may or may not be built. (A small house for my spouse, a storage building, another small building connected to the first one, and possibly an open building – just roof and floor, and a simple outdoor shower and a covered toilet building next to it.)

My father was an architect so I grew up learning about buildings and how to think about them. One of the things he said, which still is with me, is that the main question about a building is how it feels. Does it feel good to be in the space? For him, that was the main criterion – along with functionality – and it’s the same for me. That’s why I generally prefer tall and spacious spaces and natural materials.

JANUARY 17, 2024


We can have a map of Paris, and there is a difference between first visiting and having lived there for some decades. The map is the same, but our experience of the place is different. We know how it feels to be there. We know a lot of things that are not on the map. We have a lived experience with the place.

That’s also how it is when we explore our nature.

I have mostly the same map as I had in my teens and early twenties. I still understand things in much the same way – all is consciousness, projections, how we relate to mental representations, and so on.

In my case, I developed the essentials of the map from my own noticing after the oneness shift in my mid-teens. There was also several years of what a thought may call an immense “download” of information and insights, often more than I could process. And I did find some books after a while – especially from Jes Bertelsen, Ken Wilber, Taoism, and Tibetan Buddhism – that helped me with the map making.

In terms of maps, there hasn’t been much evolution apart from some refinement in some areas.

And it’s different to have lived there for some decades. Going there first, all was amazing and overwhelming for my human self. Now, it’s more familiar and – in a sense – ordinary. (And still amazing.) I am less the excited first visitor (although even then, it seemed profoundly familiar and known), and more a relatively old resident.

Another question that comes up here is: Why did it seem so profoundly familiar and known, even then? Likely because it is. It’s my nature. It’s all I have ever known. I have never known anything else. It’s the water I always have been swimming in, and I am that water.

(maps, experience, different types of familiarity – it’s my nature, and having consciously explored it)

JANUARY 18, 2024


Exploring our nature is sometimes presented as very different from any other exploration.

That’s true in some ways. It’s more intimate than any other kind of exploration. It’s about what we are. It’s really about all we have ever known. It’s the context for everything. And when our nature recognizes itself, it tends to turn everything upside down and inside out, at least for a while until we mature a bit more within it. It also removes the one who is exploring, or at least identification with and as that one. (If the one is something within the content of experience, something with an other.)

It’s also not true in just about every other way.

It is an exploration. It’s something we can explore with the right guidance, interest, and dedication. It’s something we can get familiar with and deepen into.

We don’t need to be special to explore it. Just about anyone can if the interest and guidance is there. (Some will have more facility with it, some will take to it easier than others, like with everything else.)

It can help to have some maps, some theory and images that can help guide us with some things and in some situations. It’s also helpful to recognize that these are all maps and that being there will always be different.

It can help to have a community of fellow explorers. We can share our experiences, give support and encouragement, make it a bit more enjoyable (and sometimes challenging!), and so on.

It can help to have guides. They can help us get oriented and they can show us more places and features.

It can help to have coaches. They can help us with our approach, orientation, motivation, practices, and so on. They can help us clarify our motivation. They can point out blind spots. They can give warnings and advice. (We’ll take all of that onboard to the extent we are able, like with anything else.)

We’ll go through many different phases in our exploration. There may be an initial fascination phase. A honeymoon phase. Plateauing. Challenging periods. We may be in love with it. We may get tired of it. We may wonder why we ever got into it. We may feel we are going backward. We may have all sorts of states, emotions, and thoughts come up at different times. We mature into it over time. We may specialize in some aspects of it.

It becomes ordinary at some point. We get used to it. It’s the water we swim in. (And it may still be extraordinary, fascinating, and so on.) We can also get overly complacent about it, and life then has a way of shaking us out of the complacency.

It’s something that words can describe but not really touch. That’s the same with everything. Eating ice cream can only be hinted at with words. It has to be lived for it to really mean something to us. The reason it cannot be properly put into words is not that awakening is so special. It’s because it’s so similar to everything else. It’s about the limits of thoughts.


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