Why things have been going wrong

For the last 10-15 years, there has been a pattern of something amazing coming into my life – a fulfillment of a dream – and then falling apart relatively quickly. In reality, that’s been a pattern my whole adult life, it’s just that it seems to have intensified for the last decade or so.

THE UNIVERSALITY OF CHANGE

Of course, all is change. This is something everyone experiences. What comes together falls apart.

I am aware of that and it gives me a more universal context for what’s happening in my own life, which is freeing.

At the same time, it does seem to happen a lot here. Especially over the last decade, it seems to have happened more consistently, frequently, and dramatically than what’s usual.

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?

When I asked the main Vortex Healing teacher about it, he said he couldn’t find specific emotional issues and that it looked more karmic.

That is likely generally true. It’s possible that through grace, Amma helped me with this. (We’ll see how it unfolds.)

AND SOME PAINFUL ISSUES & BELIEFS

When I look at each specific situation, I also see things I could have done differently and some issues that prevented me from acting more decisively and being a good steward of my life.

What are some of these issues? The ones I am aware of seem to fit into a general theme.

Not wanting to be seen/wanting to be seen. A strategy of wanting to hide and be invisible fueled by a fear of being visible and what others may say or do. I dropped out of one or two careers I loved, was passionate about, and was good at, because of this (art and sustainability/community organizing). When I write here, I do it anonymously so nobody needs to know who is writing it. Few people in my life know about these articles.

Not being able to stand up for myself/imposing my wishes too strongly. The first is a strategy of not wanting to upset or hurt others, which comes from a fear of their reaction and anger. The second is a compensation by sometimes imposing my wants on others, which comes out of a fear of my wishes being ignored. If I suggest something, and it’s rejected, I often quickly give up. Often, I don’t even speak up. Sometimes, I put more energy than I need behind something as a compensation.

Seeing myself as less than/more than. The low self-esteem may be a strategy to stay invisible and out of harm’s way, and it’s compensated for by seeing myself as better than others. I tell myself that what I can contribute is worthless and banal, and also secretly judge others for not being as good as me at something or not seeing something I see. When I write here, a voice in me tells me it’s banal and obvious, while I sometimes indirectly criticize others for not getting it.

There are many others, but these seem quite central. When I write them out like this, it seems pretty terrible but it’s good to be open about it.

I likely internalized these from my birth family out of innocence, in order to do as others do, and in order to stay safe in that environment. I also see how they were formed (or reinforced) to help me deal with specific and repeated types of situations in my family and with peers while growing up.


INITIAL DRAFT

For the last 10-15 years, there has been a pattern of something amazing coming into my life – a fulfillment of a dream – and then falling apart relatively quickly. In reality, that’s been a pattern my whole adult life, it’s just that it seems to have intensified for the last decade or so.

Why is this happening?

When I asked the main Vortex Healing teacher, he said he couldn’t find specific emotional issues and that it looked more karmic.

That is likely generally true. It’s possible that through grace, Amma helped me with this. (We’ll see how it unfolds.)

When I look at each specific situation, I also see things I could have done differently and some issues that prevented me from acting more decisively and being a good steward of my life.

What are some of these issues? Not wanting to be seen/wanting to be seen. (Wanting to hide, fear of being visible, fear of what others may say or do.) Not being able to always stand up for myself. (Not wanting to hurt others, fear of their reaction, fear of their anger.) And a few related ones.

Seeing myself as less than/more than. (Low self-esteem compensated by seeing myself as better, which is all fueled by a fear of being seen and acknowledged and what people may say and do. The low self-esteem may be a strategy to stay invisible and out of harm’s way, and it’s compensated for by seeing myself as better than others.)

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