There is an apparent gap between my nature – as consciousness – and the trauma that’s in my very human system.
ONENESS AND TRAUMA
As what I am, as consciousness, I am oneness. And that oneness takes the form of a kind of love that’s independent of states and feelings.
As who I am, I am this very flawed human being. I have hangups, issues, and traumas. I have unloved parts of me. Unexamined beliefs. And so on. Here, I sometimes act from reactivity and it looks like (unloved) fear and reactivity and not love or oneness.
There seems to be a big gap there. And that’s true and not true in different ways.
THE GAP IS REAL
It’s true in that these parts of me – the wounded and traumatized parts – were formed within separation consciousness and they perceive and operate from separation consciousness. They are not aware of the oneness they exist within and are part of. They behave as if separation is most fundamental, and for them it is.
These parts of me color my perception and life even if they are not obviously triggered.
When they are more obviously triggered, a couple of things can happen.
The consciousness I am can get caught up in this part of me and join in with its outlook and the scary stories it operates from. I – as a whole – become this part of me for a while, until the storm passes. (Sometimes, it means getting caught up in a part reacting to a reacting part!)
The consciousness I am can notice what’s happening without getting caught up in it. I notice what’s happening. I notice reactivity. I notice the pattern. I notice it’s happening within and as what I am. My human self can relate to it more intentionally and deal with it without getting caught up in it or reacting to it.
Or there is a mix of the two, which also happens.
THE GAP IS APPARENT
At the same time, the gap is only apparent.
My human self and all its hangups happen within and as the consciousness and oneness I am.
Even getting caught up in it or not happens within and as the consciousness and oneness I am.
Noticing that is helpful. It’s helpful in the moment something is triggered. It helps me find what’s not caught up in it. And it’s helpful when I take time to rest with and explore these wounded parts of me. It gives a different context to the exploration. It helps me see that these parts of me have my nature. What I am forms itself into it and takes that form.
EXPLORING THE GAP
How can I explore the gap? How can I invite more of me to align with oneness? (With the oneness I am noticing itself?)
A big part of it may be regular trauma work and different forms of trauma-informed therapies.
Another is to train myself to notice when “I” as a whole gets caught up in it and help myself to shift out of it again. Seeing that it’s natural and, in many ways, innocent, helps here. The more peace with it, the easier to notice and shift back into what I am.
WHAT MAKES IT EASIER
In general, it seems easier…
The more I can embrace all of it and the messiness of it and find some peace with it.
The more I understand what’s happening. These are scared and sometimes terrified parts of me. They were formed within separation consciousness and still live that way. They are here to try to protect me. They come fundamentally from love. They have the same nature as I do as a whole.
The more I am with others who understand and have some love and humor about it all.
The more experience I have in seeing the patterns and dealing with them. That includes the times I – as a whole – get caught up in it and act as if I am that scared part of me. And the times when I notice what’s happening and can relate to it more consciously and intentionally.
The more I can admit to it to myself and others (when it feels appropriate). Admitting it is very human and creates more understanding and connections.
The more I can find the humor in it. It is all more than a little absurd.
The more I know that there is no finishing line. It’s all about the process. I cannot know what will happen and it doesn’t matter. It’s easier and more comfortable to rest in (and as) not knowing.
The more I see that this is all the play of… the consciousness I am, life, existence, the divine, Spirit. It’s existence expressing, exploring, and experiencing itself in this way here and now. It has a beauty.
The more I see that this is universal. We are all fundamentally consciousness to ourselves. And we all have this self in the world with all sorts of hangups, wounds, and traumas. We are all in it together. We are all in the same boat. (And it’s all also unique. It all takes unique forms for each of us and in each moment.)
The more I see it’s not easy. It’s often *&%$# hard. It’s painful. Confusing. Sometimes overwhelming. It brings up fear, frustration, and anger. It sometimes brings up shame and regret. That too is universal, natural, and ultimately innocent. It’s OK.
Image by me and Midjourney
- the gap between consciousness and trauma
- oneness, a kind of love that comes from recognizing oneness, and so on
- and my human self which has lots of hangups and ways it twisted itself to survive in difficult situations
- appears to be a gap
- can switch from one to the other
- get caught up in, temporarily identified with and as, the trauma
- and also not
- all happening within and as what I am
- all what the consciousness I am forms itself into,
WHAT I AM / MY NATURE / CONSCIOUSNESS
I find I fundamentally am what any and all experiences happen within and as. The world, to me, is like a dream in that it’s happening within and as what I am. It’s happening within and as what a thought can call consciousness. To me, this human self, the wider world, states, and so on all happen within and as what I am.
It’s not wrong that I am a human self in the world, but that’s more a role I am playing. It’s what works in the realm. More fundamentally, and to myself, I am consciousness, and this consciousness I am forms itself into this field of experience.
Here, I also find I am oneness. I don’t have any outer limit. To me, space happens within and as what I am. Time happens within and as what I am. All beings happen within and as what I am. This gives rise to a kind of love that’s independent on states or feelings. It’s a love that comes out of recognizing the oneness I am and the oneness the world, to me, happens within and as.
WHO I AM / A HUMAN BEING WITH LOTS OF HANGUPS
At my human level, I obviously have a lot of biases, hangups, emotional issues, traumas, and so on.
They created separation consciousness in order to protect me.
The more honest I can be about all of this, with myself and others (if that feels safe). Honesty opens for humility, groundedness, and receptivity.