Back to something very human

I am grateful for life bringing me into something very human and out of spiritual ideals and fantasies and what I can do when I feel better 

This was the last item I wrote for my all-inclusive gratitude list today.

I am not feeling very well these days, likely due to a CFS-related crash about three weeks ago. I haven’t been able to recover, and I keep having mini-crashes. My body feels uncomfortable. My energy system disorganized. It’s bringing up underlying anxiety, emotional issues, and traumas. I don’t always deal with it gracefully. I don’t sleep very well. I am unable to function very well in daily life. I can’t think very clearly. I can’t do most of the things on my (simple) to-do list. I haven’t been following up on conversations. And so on.

Life is bringing me back into something very human. A part of me doesn’t like it at all and would like to just continue as I do when I feel a little better and have more resources. A part of me is genuinely grateful for it.

It’s like a mini version of one type of dark night, the one that brings us back into our human messiness and out of spiritual ideals and personas and how we are when we have more resources. The one I have been living for the good part of the last 10-15 years. A part of me feels I am failing even that: failing to become more thoroughly human with messiness and all which seems it would be the easiest of all but is not when we use personas and ideals to try to find safety.

It also helps me notice something very basic: When I identify with just one part and one perspective within this field of experience, it’s uncomfortable. It’s struggle. It’s discomfort. When I allow it all – when I consciously align with what already allows it all – it’s easier. As Leonard Cohen said, if you don’t become the ocean, you’ll be seasick all the time.

Image by me and Midjourney. I am sleeping in a hammock under a tree and a dark starry sky these days, so that view is with me and connected with shifting into allowing it all, and really just noticing that my nature already allows it all.


INITIAL DRAFT

BACK TO SOMETHING VERY HUMAN

I am grateful for life bringing me into something very human and out of spiritual ideals and fantasies and what I can do when I feel better 

This was one of the items I wrote for my all-inclusive gratitude list today.

It’s true. I am not feeling very well these days, likely due to a CFS-related crash about three weeks ago. I haven’t been able to recover, and I keep having mini-crashes. My body feels uncomfortalbe. My energy system disorganized. It’s bringing up underlying anxiety and other emotions. I don’t always deal with it gracefully. I don’t sleep very well. I am unable to function very well in daily life. I can’t think very clearly. I can’t do most of the things on my (simple) to-do list. And so on.

Life is bringing me back into something very human. A part of me doesn’t like it at all and would like to just continue as I do when I feel a little better and have more resources. A part of me is genuinely grateful for it.

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