Yesterday and today, my system has felt quite off and disorganized.
I suspect it’s a kind of CFS mini-crash. I don’t know exactly what it comes from, possibly from lifting a few heavy boxes yesterday, or doing some “healing from emptiness” for my system over the last two or three days.
It’s not just feeling unwell somewhere localized, it’s my whole world – the whole field – that feels out of balance. In addition, there is strong fatigue, headache, sometimes nausea, strong brain fog, and so on.
So why not explore it?
FOLLOWING IT
I follow the movement in what’s here, in where it’s inviting and guiding me. It goes down, down. I find myself as soil, as ground. I find myself settling as all that is here, without needing it to be different.
There is a deep relaxation here, in finding myself as it all and joining in with and as what allows it all. There is no effort to make it different. No image – of how the experience or this human self should be – to follow. I find myself like soil, what just is, allowing it all. It’s effortless, real, earthy.
CONSCIOUSNESS
Consciousness notices it all as itself.
The sensations, the discomfort, the tension, the contracted areas, the fingers, the screen, the sun, the wind, the sounds of traffic in the distance, a fly buzzing in the window, thoughts, any sense of a me or I, any sense of a center or periphery.
It’s all awake space taking these temporary forms.
It’s all sliding on the smooth surface of the awakeness that takes all these forms.
AWAKENESS IN THE FOGGINESS
I notice the brain fog – the sense of cotton in and around the head, the sense of lack of clarity, the sensations of the headache. It’s lack of clarity, lack of organization. It’s this clear awakeness taking these forms, here and now. It’s the clear awakeness that’s always here, taking these forms, getting to know itself as that too.
This awakeness seems inherent in consciousness. It’s not a special awakeness. It’s the awakeness that I assume is there in any consciousness – whether it operates through humans or any other kind of being. The only difference is that sometimes, it recognizes itself as taking the form of its whole world.
FLOATING ISLAND
All of this is a kind of floating island in space.
This world – this room, the outside, and this human self – happens within and as awakeness.
What I am is also space for all of it. It’s as if these phenomena are an island floating in space.
NOTICES THAT IT NOTICES
Awakeness takes the form of it all and notices it and notices that it notices.
LIVING ITS OWN LIFE
There is a noticing of it all living its own life – these fingers, these thoughts, the sound of the traffic, the sunshine outside, the shapes on the screen, this human self, decisions, movements.
It’s all happening on its own, it’s all living its own life.
EARLIER IN THE MORNING
There is a memory of earlier this morning when this human self was more beaten down by how he felt. He slept. There was no effort to notice any of these things. And that’s OK too. That’s what happens sometimes. Sleep was likely more important then.
Now, after extra sleep and some food, there is this noticing. Clear awakeness takes the form of noticing. It’s noticing itself taking the forms here, taking the form of these experiences, of what’s here in this world, in this field.
A QUIET JOY
There is also a noticing of a quiet joy in all of this, likely from all this noticing.
What I am notices itself as this whole field of experience, and there is a quiet joy in that noticing.
WORDS
These words are extra. They make it sound more than and different from how it is.
It’s far less effortful. Far less having to do with the mental field.
ORGANIZING THE WRITING
When I initially wrote this, the mental field didn’t have much energy so it came out more as a flow and with less organization. A couple of hours later, as I had more energy, I went back, created headlines, moved a couple of sections, and edited the words slightly for clarity.
INITIAL DRAFT
Yesterday and today, my system has felt quite off and disorganized. I suspect it’s a kind of CFS mini-crash. It’s not just feeling unwell somewhere localized, it’s my whole world – the whole field – that feels out of balance. In addition, there is strong fatigue, headache, sometimes nausea, strong brain fog, and so on.
So why not explore it?
I follow the movement in what’s here… down, down, settling as it all is without joining any efforts to make it different. There is a deep relaxation here, in finding myself as it all and joining in with and as what allows it all. There is no pretense. No effort to make it different. No image to live up to. It’s like soil, what just is, allowing it all. It’s earthy, real, effortless.
All of these words are extra. They make it sound more than and different from how it is. It’s far less effortful. Far less having to do with the mental field.
There is a noticing of all of it as consciousness. The sensations, the discomfort, the tension, the contracted areas, the fingers, the screen, the sun, the wind, the sounds of traffic in the distance, a fly buzzing in the window, thoughts, any sense of a me or I, any sense of a center or periphery. It’s all awake space taking these temporary forms. It’s all sliding on the smooth surface of the awakeness that takes all these forms.
I notice the brain fog – the sense of cotton in and around the head, the sense of lack of clarity, the sensations of the headache. It’s lack of clarity, lack of organization. It’s this clear awakeness taking these forms, here and now. It’s the clear awakeness that’s always here, taking these forms, exploring itself as that too, getting to know itself as that too.
Awakeness takes all these forms – what a thought may call fingers, sensations, headache, brain fog, tension, sounds of children outside, sun, room, wind, and so on – and creates a kind of floating island in space. It takes the form of it all and notices it and notices that it notices.
There is a noticing of it all living its own life – these fingers, these thoughts, the sound of the traffic, the sunshine outside, the shapes on the screen, this human self, decisions, movements. It’s all happening on its own, it’s all living its own life.
There is a memory of earlier this morning when this human self was more beaten down by how he felt. He slept. There was no effort to notice any of these things. And that’s OK too. That’s what happens sometimes. Sleep was likely more important then.
Now, after extra sleep and some food, there is this noticing. Clear awakeness takes the form of noticing. It’s noticing itself taking the forms here, taking the form of these experiences, of what’s here in this world, in this field.
Other times, when the mental field has more energy, this writing often gets organized more. That’s what the mental field likes to do. Now, it’s more just what comes out, and that’s fine too. It’s more of a flow, less of the extra effort of organizing it.
There is also a noticing of a quiet joy in all of this, likely from all this noticing.